an old list I found, that I wrote about 3 years ago…

I was going through a journal of mine and came across this list (one of 2) that I wrote out before ever meeting my X-psychopath. The scenario: I was working at a local gas station and was only just getting acquainted with management of the company I now work for. I was looking forward to interview #3 of  4, and had an argument with a recent X. The things that happened to precipitate the end of that relationship are echoed in this list. However, that isn’t the reason I chose to talk about it. Lets just say I failed in the implementation of this list. My “perfect” man… aka: What I want in a guy…

1)     He needs to be REAL and not pretend to be something he’s not. Not a phony.

2)     Honesty is major for me… he must be HONEST and not just for appearances. First and foremost in this category, he must be honest with me. Being a sneak is not a grown-up trait nor is it conducive to a healthy and good relationship.

3)     He must be man enough to accept his mistakes, hone up to them, and should not try to destroy me to save face or to get away with a lie, or for doing something he doesn’t want anyone to know about.

4)     He must be man enough to forgive me for my mistakes.

5)     The golden rule should be his guide-book. “Do unto others…” Shit, the man must at least have an inkling of a conscience and not just because he could lose something or someone due to his poor judgment or lies.

6)     This list could go on forever, but notice there isn’t anything in there about being a muscle bound stud?

7)     I would like him to be big enough to protect me, yet gentle enough to enjoy holding me in his arms.

8)     Please God, don’t give me someone who is abusive or yells. Please don’t give me someone who is twice my size, but still feels the need to make me afraid of him just so I know who is boss. AKA: Intimidate me by getting in my face…2 inches away…screaming at the top of his lungs. Or rearing back his fist in anger, only a follow-thru away from hitting me.

9)     I want someone who considers ME, and not just what he can gain by having me in his life. Please don’t give me someone who considers me his property…HIS Woman.

10) He MUST have true integrity, and will not think plausible deniability is the same as integrity.

Yep, I failed miserably…

Sometimes it’s good to go back and reread old entries. This one is almost 3 years old now.



2 thoughts on “an old list I found, that I wrote about 3 years ago…

  1. I have “My Very Dark Journal.” I write in it what no one ever sees. The last time was about a year ago. It was devastating to re-read what I’d written about five years before that: It was almost identical. Five years and nothing had changed… Hmmm… I think I’ll take a look at it today and see if that still holds true… I don’t think so. It isn’t because anything around me has changed; it hasn’t. But I have changed this time. The only true fail is if you fail to get back up again. Hang in there.

    1. I looked at the list as a bit of history, sort of. It shocked me how, instead of pushing toward what I really wanted, I feel back into the same old crap…literally just under 2 months later. I thought I finally found a wonderful, sweet guy, but instead I fell back into the same old pattern, with a twist! Not only did I NOT make any changes toward qualities I really crave, but I fell below that list in spades. Where the hell are those fargin boot straps?!

      The particular journal that this list is from is one of those “dark” journals, no one sees it and to keep others out completely, I double password protected it. Briefcase with password, plus word file with separate password. I’m lucky to remember either one of them! lol!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s