I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been previously victimized. That’s due to my conditioning from childhood, which makes it more difficult to be anything BUT victimized. The aftermath of the psychopath in my life has actually brought about some good things. Other things, not so much.
Without my experience, the obviousness of my need to change the conditioning would have gone unnoticed, or continued to be ignored, such as it has been throughout my adult life. For whatever reason, it took the bombardment from a Psychopath to bring out that difficult fact. Monetary abuse, emotional abuse, even Physical abuse didn’t alert me to the need to make some changes. i always thought the way I handled relationships, as well as the place I put myself while in one, was ‘upright’ and ‘commendable’. I actually placed myself on a pedestal of sorts, because I thought of myself as a “rare” woman who put the man first. I held onto old-fashioned ideals, because I thought that was actually the way things were “supposed to be”. A god-ordained hierarchy. Man as head of household…woman as compliant, home-maker; whether or not she worked an outside job. AKA: Door-mat.
The whirlwind going on inside of me, now, is what I don’t like. It’s necessary, that’s for sure. I have to press on toward the goal, though there is no rule that I have to like it. Part of the whirlwind is dealing with the predisposition that ALL men are heartless and cruel. That they are ALL without conscience. I am a little sheepish when dealing with them.
Today, I went to my long-time friend’s house in a neighboring town. He was helping me fix my car. We have always been able to joke around with each other. The verbal jousting matches have always been part of our friendship, which I LOVED! We went about 10 years without speaking, due to losing contact. My fault, there. At one point, he asked me to put one of the screws into a bucket. He yelled at me (playing with me) to move faster, calling me “woman”. I actually felt myself fall into a psychological hole. It was a triggering thing that had no business being in the middle of our friendship. Yet, it was there. He didn’t know it, though he probably sensed it. This is a man who has always had my best interest at heart. He has always been able to tell me the hard things, without attacking me. My fear was an outside intruder.
In order to get past the fear, I have to learn to balance my views of men in general. There is a place to be on guard, and a place to know when you are safe. Right now, I can’t tell the 2 apart. Vulnerability goes hand in hand with trust. Feeling vulnerable is triggering for me. The fear of making a mistake is triggering.
Every man in my life has presented himself as a nice, caring person. I trusted way too easily, fought the obvious red-flags way too much, and the majority haven’t turned out that way…trustworthy. Rather, they become selfish, self-centered and abusive. I don’t view all men as Psychopaths, but I do view them as someone who won’t ever be able to truly LOVE another. I don’t even mean romantically. I have the thought that they are completely incapable of holding someone high enough, that the man would actually be more concerned for another’s well-being over his own. I’m not thinking of a martyr, here. I just don’t believe that men are really capable of that. Especially in the guise of a relationship. When we are in a relationship, over a friendship, that changes our role from “equal” to “owned”. As I said in the title, I realize this is unbalanced and skewed, entirely. To tell that to my heart would bring such a back-lash! My head is aware of it. My heart will call the healthy view, a liar.
Part of the change, has to include my over-all views of men. I don’t trust them. I don’t trust myself around them. I don’t trust that I’ll be able to stand my ground or stand up for myself when I need to. I am afraid that I’ll allow myself to be way too vulnerable, just because I’m too afraid to get angry at mistreatment or what have you. I don’t trust the shaky ground that I’m standing on. When a guy says “I’m ok with just being friends.” it doesn’t mean that they are being entirely truthful. Most aren’t. All that statement means is, “I’m ok with being friends…FOR NOW… Hey! I got your number!” It’s a foot in. In other words, a complete lack of consideration and respect from the git go. But, where was I? Wanting to trust someone to be a hang out buddy. Instead, I’m getting oogled and viewed as a coveted object, and not as a person. Back to square one…..
The place I’m in has a picture, though I need to change the picture to something like the one above. I’m being surrounded by, “Change this, change that…strengthen this and “Oh HELL NO!” I’m spinning, trying to find a starting point, yet the whirlwind is keeping me from being grounded. I need a solid place to put my feet, which would give me a more strengthening view-point.
Be that as it may, I do know that the ability and strength to make these changes, lies within MYSELF! I think the fact that I am spinning without one solid focal point, is what is hindering my steps. My automatic responses still need to be changed, though I’m working on them. There have been some small victories in this area, however.
One thing that I would like to see changed: When I was freshly out of the relationship, I felt as if I had been psychologically raped. Only a fraction away from completely losing my mind, and officially needing that “hug-me” suit from the mental hospital. Today, I still battle that feeling. Some days it’s completely removed from me. Others, not so much. That mental spin (that’s the best way I can describe it) is strong, right now. It’s these days that I fear the most. I’m not in absolute control and I know it. It’s these days that I make stupid choices or say stupid things. It’s these days that I think I’m safe or that someone else is, and decide to talk to them. It’s these days that are followed by regret. It’s these days that I trust my own life, the least.
It’s these days that I want to give up the fight, feeling that there’s no hope for the rest of the battle. It’s also these days that i recognize the lies that are still welling up inside, and I fight to overcome them. I instinctively move my feet. Eventually the trudging will pay off. I pray for the feeling that I’m making it, to well up a little more often.
The journey includes difficult days, and empowering ones. As it should be. The end of the road, which is the one we are working to get to, will be its own reward. We (I) will be able to stand so much taller, with the knowledge that we made it, and are SOOO much stronger than we ever were!
Now, to find a solid focal point. I’m getting sea-sick from the spinning!