From day one of our relationship with the Psychopath, we have been paying homage to one internal dialog or another.
I remember one central thing during my entire relationship with my monster; Every time I tried to give him a human face, he proved me wrong. From stalking my friends and family online, to stalking my home, daughter, etc. I found out a number of months into my relationship by happenstance that he was actually driving by my home at odd hours. I happened to have a problem sleeping one night, and witnessed his slow progressive drive through the series of duplexes I lived in. He was checking the perimeter. I knew he was incessantly stalking me online, but I minimized it, thinking he wouldn’t do “THAT”…after all, no-one did. I didn’t believe he’d set up a profile just to see mine, and what I was up to. I didn’t think he would set up a mylife profile just to stalk me even further. I especially didn’t believe he would stalk my mother, daughter, and people he didn’t even know, just to get more dirt on me to use. That was the jest of my inner dialogue from the beginning. “Yeah, he did that…but I know he wouldn’t do THAT!” . Wrong again. Each and every time I said that to myself, he proved me wrong in spades.
I found out later that he was walking over to the duplex when no one was home, checking EVERYTHING, WHILE HE WAS ON THE CLOCK AT WORK! He questioned me about beer bottles that the neighbors were throwing into my recycling bin. He’d dig for information which, regardless of truthfulness, was always something he’d use for ammo. He questioned me about footprints outside my car at night. It never stopped. He would watch each and every car, truck or what-have-you and question me about who they were and why they were at “my” house. Very seldom was anyone at “my house”. I hermitized my daughter for his sake. The rest of the time it was neighbors having friends stop by, or a babysitter that my daughter had arranged to watch my granddaughter. Of course he had a problem with that one too, since the sitter’s boyfriend dropped her off at the house. That was “one more male that knew where we lived.” Of course, he was only concerned for our well-being and safety…he had witnessed such atrocities in the past with previous girlfriends…yadda yadda…bull-sh**. Yes, this was during the “I love you” jargon. It was during the gift-giving, and sweet talk. That is, when he wasn’t twisting something to form into an impromptu attack on me.
His questioning was never just “questioning”..it was always me being under the microscope/chopping block, with the monster being the judge jury and executioner, all within a matter of a few minutes or hours. This was pretty much daily, throughout the entire year. No wonder I was buried under a pile of anxiety! It got so bad that I began leafing through my OWN garbage, and did a quick check inside and out, just to make sure there was nothing that he could see and twist, in order to attack me with it. There was never anything that any normal person would view as abnormal, but I was dealing with an abnormally paranoid freak. I was dealing with someone that could argue me into a corner, where my only defense was to become quiet. I couldn’t argue with the man, as he would twist things to the point that I would become confused WITHIN the argument ..even if it was a discussion I started to begin with.
I started thinking like him, trying to cut him off at the pass so-to-speak. Closer to the end, I started believing that maybe he was right about me and that I really was having mental problems and needed to enlist the help of a doctor (like he suggested). My inner dialogue still told me of the inconsistencies and the blatant manipulations, at the same time.
The inner dialog. I talked myself out of believing that what I had was a very sick, twisted individual, and fought to believe he was fully human. I believed that I was wrong about him, and kept being “patient”. Oh how wrong I was!
The inner dialog continued on, throughout the gaslighting and brainwashing attempts. It continued goading me into action and giving me the proverbial slap in the face, later on, that i wouldn’t be able to ignore or discount. My inner dialog in the beginning, was my greatest downfall. Later, it became my greatest ally, which also helped bring me strength to get out of that situation.
You are probably reading this, thinking, “That’s OBVIOUS STUFF!” and “I don’t understand how she could ignore it!” Well, you’re right. I ignored everything, to spite my intuition and red-flags (flags? More like BOMBS!) I ignored everything for a long time. After we got back together (wow, I got away, once…), He poured on the “sweet” stuff, yet he was probing for information from me as well as co-workers and family (my daughter). The thing is, I saw it and heard it. I heard my own “still small voice” which was screaming by now, telling me to get away from him. By April 2011, I was entirely stuck with fear. My internal dialogue sounded something like this: As i was mulling over all evidence in my head, I would say to myself, “That’s abusive!”. My reasoning side, which was always against me, told me, “You’re probably wrong, he would NEVER do that!”
Later it turned to, “He’s psychologically abusive! He’s a narcissist!” “I’m afraid of him, but I’m stuck.” “Why am I stuck…” I decided that I was too confused by his twisting and goading. I was confused by my fear and anxiety. In order to get away, I would have to break the emotional side of things. In this case, that was the best thing I could do. It would have been better to just get away ASAP, but I knew that if I did, I’d just be easily pushed into going back. I had no self-confidence left. I wasn’t myself anymore and even more controllable than I had been before. There was only a hint of me, left. Once I pulled away, I started seeing things more clearly. I started really recognizing each abusive line and twist. I started really recognizing his attempts to slaughter me, in order to become my savior in the end. I recognized his tone and my body’s reaction with each ‘out of the blue’ conversation. He always had a scheme going. sometimes he was putting things into place to be acted out months later.
In the end, my internal dialogue was my best friend! It’s what enabled me to see that which I was hoping away.
It’s important, ladies, to listen to your gut! The first pang I got with him was a sensation that my skin was crawling, based on a story he told me about a key. There was no reason that I could see for the sensation. I just knew it was there but only for a second. it was my body’s only way to warn me that something wasn’t right. You don’t have to understand WHY your intuition is screaming, just the fact that it IS! IF YOUR GUT, INTUITION, etc. is screaming at you, your best option is to pay attention. If it’s screaming over a seemingly small reason, know there’s more to the picture that your body is picking up on, though you haven’t seen it yet. It’s a warning! Get away from that person!!
I ignored mine. Though there are some positive things that have come out of my relationship, it would have been better to not have gone through it at all. It’s my own fault that I didn’t listen. It’s my own fault that I stayed in that situation. My intuition is NEVER wrong, though I’m ALWAYS wrong when I think it is.