The Internal Dialogue

From day one of our relationship with the Psychopath, we have been paying homage to one internal dialog or another.

I remember one central thing during my entire relationship with my monster; Every time I tried to give him a human face, he proved me wrong. From stalking my friends and family online, to stalking my home, daughter, etc. I found out a number of months into my relationship by happenstance that he was actually driving by my home at odd hours. I happened to have a problem sleeping one night, and witnessed his slow progressive drive through the series of duplexes I lived in. He was checking the perimeter. I knew he was incessantly stalking me online, but I minimized it, thinking he wouldn’t do “THAT”…after all, no-one did. I didn’t believe he’d set up a profile just to see mine, and what I was up to. I didn’t think he would set up a mylife profile just to stalk me even further. I especially didn’t believe he would stalk my mother, daughter, and people he didn’t even know, just to get more dirt on me to use. That was the jest of my inner dialogue from the beginning. “Yeah, he did that…but I know he wouldn’t do THAT!” . Wrong again. Each and every time I said that to myself, he proved me wrong in spades.

I found out later that he was walking over to the duplex when no one was home, checking EVERYTHING, WHILE HE WAS ON THE CLOCK AT WORK! He questioned me about beer bottles that the neighbors were throwing into my recycling bin. He’d dig for information which, regardless of truthfulness, was always something he’d use for ammo. He questioned me about footprints outside my car at night. It never stopped. He would watch each and every car, truck or what-have-you and question me about who they were and why they were at “my” house. Very seldom was anyone at “my house”. I hermitized my daughter for his sake. The rest of the time it was neighbors having friends stop by, or a babysitter that my daughter had arranged to watch my granddaughter. Of course he had a problem with that one too, since the sitter’s boyfriend dropped her off at the house. That was “one more male that knew where we lived.” Of course, he was only concerned for our well-being and safety…he had witnessed such atrocities in the past with previous girlfriends…yadda yadda…bull-sh**. Yes, this was during the “I love you” jargon. It was during the gift-giving, and sweet talk. That is, when he wasn’t twisting something to form into an impromptu attack on me.

His questioning was never just “questioning”..it was always me being under the microscope/chopping block, with the monster being the judge jury and executioner, all within a matter of a few minutes or hours. This was pretty much daily, throughout the entire year. No wonder I was buried under a pile of anxiety! It got so bad that I began leafing through my OWN garbage, and did a quick check inside and out, just to make sure there was nothing that he could see and twist, in order to attack me with it. There was never anything that any  normal person would view as abnormal, but I was dealing with an abnormally paranoid freak. I was dealing with someone that could argue me into a corner, where my only defense was to become quiet. I couldn’t argue with the man, as he would twist things to the point that I would become confused WITHIN the argument ..even if it was a discussion I started to begin with.

I started thinking like him, trying to cut him off at the pass so-to-speak. Closer to the end, I started believing that maybe he was right about me and that I really was having mental problems and needed to enlist the help of a doctor (like he suggested). My inner dialogue still told me of the inconsistencies and the blatant manipulations, at the same time.

The inner dialog. I talked myself out of believing that what I had was a very sick, twisted individual, and fought to believe he was fully human. I believed that I was wrong about him, and kept being “patient”. Oh how wrong I was!

The inner dialog continued on, throughout the gaslighting and brainwashing attempts. It continued goading me into action and giving me the proverbial slap in the face, later on, that i wouldn’t be able to ignore or discount. My inner dialog in the beginning, was my greatest downfall. Later, it became my greatest ally, which also helped bring me strength to get out of that situation.

You are probably reading this, thinking, “That’s OBVIOUS STUFF!” and “I don’t understand how she could ignore it!” Well, you’re right. I ignored everything, to spite my intuition and red-flags (flags? More like BOMBS!) I ignored everything for a long time. After we got back together (wow, I got away, once…), He poured on the “sweet” stuff, yet he was probing for information from me as well as co-workers and family (my daughter). The thing is, I saw it and heard it. I heard my own “still small voice” which was screaming by now, telling me to get away from him. By April 2011, I was entirely stuck with fear. My internal dialogue sounded something like this: As i was mulling over all evidence in my head, I would say to myself, “That’s abusive!”. My reasoning side, which was always against me, told me, “You’re probably wrong, he would NEVER do that!”

Later it turned to, “He’s psychologically abusive! He’s a narcissist!” “I’m afraid of him, but I’m stuck.” “Why am I stuck…” I decided that I was too confused by his twisting and goading. I was confused by my fear and anxiety. In order to get away, I would have to break the emotional side of things. In this case, that was the best thing I could do. It would have been better to just get away ASAP, but I knew that if I did, I’d just be easily pushed into going back. I had no self-confidence left. I wasn’t myself anymore and even more controllable than I had been before. There was only a hint of me, left. Once I pulled away, I started seeing things more clearly. I started really recognizing each abusive line and twist. I started really recognizing his attempts to slaughter me, in order to become my savior in the end. I recognized his tone and my body’s reaction with each ‘out of the blue’ conversation. He always had a scheme going. sometimes he was putting things into place to be acted out months later.

In the end, my internal dialogue was my best friend! It’s what enabled me to see that which I was hoping away.

It’s important, ladies, to listen to your gut! The first pang I got with him was a sensation that my skin was crawling, based on a story he told me about a key. There was no reason that I could see for the sensation. I just knew it was there but only for a second. it was my body’s only way to warn me that something wasn’t right. You don’t have to understand WHY your intuition is screaming, just the fact that it IS! IF YOUR GUT, INTUITION, etc. is screaming at you, your best option is to pay attention. If it’s screaming over a seemingly small reason, know there’s more to the picture that your body is picking up on, though you haven’t seen it yet. It’s a warning! Get away from that person!!

I ignored mine. Though there are some positive things that have come out of my relationship, it would have been better to not have gone through it at all. It’s my own fault that I didn’t listen. It’s my own fault that I stayed in that situation. My intuition is NEVER wrong, though I’m ALWAYS wrong when I think it is.

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8 thoughts on “The Internal Dialogue

    1. Lilly thank you. I hope that this blog does help someone. It’s my own step by step process being written out. If I think about something one day, I’m writing about it. There might be someone that it’s meant for. As far as what I’ve endured, It is what it is. I’m the only one that could have and should have stopped it. I didn’t because I was too afraid of being wrong or making an accusation about a person, then hurting that same person. It was always easier to be quiet and thoughtful. I was more quiet than I should have been. I always recognized when my intuition was making an appearance. I poo-poo’d it away, thinking I was mistaken, wrong, etc. I’ve learned BECAUSE of this experience, to trust my gut. The good thing? I will NEVER ignore my instincts, gut, intuition, crawling skin ever again 🙂

      Good to see you, Lilly

  1. Gavin de Becker wrote “The Gift of Fear.” He talks about how we ignore all those red flags. We don’t want to believe what our senses are telling us. In my case, there was the additional reinforcement from all quarters about how loving a mother is and how a mother would do anything for her children and would rather be hurt herself than hurt her children. Oh… I just realized that mothers are set up as gods. I’m appalled every time there’s a tragedy and people exclaim it’s unbelievable. Apparently not. I have to wonder where they were on 9/11 and what they learned about the holocaust in school, not to mention all the other bits of man’s inhumanity to man. It is not unbelievable. Reprehensible, yes, but not unbelievable. Keep speaking out, Lifebegins45. Someone will hear and maybe save a life.

    1. You know, i think throughout history, mothers have been stereo-typed. They were type-cast into the roll of “loving, self-sacrificing, better cook than ANYONE, always smiling, etc. etc. etc.” People spout that as a mantra about mothers. I love my mom, but anyone who has seen Mommy Dearest, knows that stereotype is a farce in a lot of cases. We want to believe that all moms are just like “Caroline” from “Little House on the Prairie”. We hear occasionally about the ones that, well, aren’t, but we still hold onto the stereotype like a sinking ship. There are wonderful mothers out there. I think we hold onto that ideal because we need to feel comforted from SOMEWHERE. We WANT to believe in that, whether or not it’s a completely valid belief.

      I think that’s part of the reason i used to put myself into such a subservient roll. I wanted to be what I fell in love with…the IDEA and STEREOTYPE of a real woman, wonderful mother and self-sacrificing wife. Women are naturally strong. We can do many things, carry a baby AND a vacuum cleaner (or house). I had a man tell me this, once, “Beware ANYTHING that can bleed for 10 days and survive..” LOL! Yep, we’re super-human, too.

      1. LOL! It was truly eyeopening when I realized I had this image I was trying to live up to and I didn’t even like her. I was with my third counselor when I figured that one out. I’ve been trying to change ever since, and making a little progress.

        By the way, I loved Caroline! 🙂

        1. I did too! It was that entire show that I tried to mimic in my own life. I identified everything that I was missing, and wanted in my own life, with that show…

          Half-pint…My new name is “hobbit” lol!

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