This past week or 3 has been a flood for me! Ground-breaking realizations have abounded and seemingly ‘bounded’ all around me. All of these have been necessary, though I won’t say at all, fun.
One of these is something I realized about 1/2 way through my time with the Monster. Part of what made my skin ‘crawl’, or the sensation of it, was when my X would talk “too much”.
I’ll back up. But, before I do, I do NOT want to keep rehashing everything and in doing so, appear as though I’m not on the right road to recovery by my refusal to move forward. Actually, I’m moving forward, backward, side-ward and loop-de-loopward (spell-check isn’t going to like that one). Sometimes its in the memories that our biggest “ah HAH!” moments come through. As we heal, we also uncover things from our past. It’s like a veil has been lifted and we can finally SEE. This is no different in the aftermath of a Psychopath. It can seem that we are stuck ruminating, being drawn or addicted to the ‘victim’ state for validation or sympathy. Don’t get me wrong. For some, it is EASIER to stay stuck than push through to the “you” that you’ve needed to validate all along. Not the victim, but the person you were supposed to be! Changing, learning and growing in the wake of psychological and emotional rape. Clear? Clear!
Skin crawling. It always happened when he was saying something to me. ALWAYS something out of the blue, with no preliminary phrase or action, it was just “there”. I learned to recognize what happened prior to the sensation. One of which was a change in his normal tone. He was normally abrupt and determined. When he was fishing for information or covering “something” up with a precursor/lie, his voice was sing-songy and unsure. It was obvious that he tried to cover it up with spot jokes, but my intuition was always quite adept at recognizing these things. It was my “introspection/extrospection” talent which allowed me to put the pieces together. Let me tell you, IT SCREAMED AT ME!
*Just a thought…brainwashing, as I learned years ago, can also include certain tones the perpetrator uses, including a “sing-songy” voice, intended to soothe and lure the victim.
Here were some of the instances. I won’t list details as many will recall some of these scenarios, but if you are curious about any of these, let me know and I will give you details… The Key… The “how many men have you been with” lines… The attack early on about my ex-boyfriend trying to get me back when he previously seemed supportive of me and the concern I had… the push to get me to go to management to turn in an old co-worker from the gas station I worked for, for sexual harassment… and finally: Trying to get me to say something negative about a co-worker.
Each and EVERY time, the skin crawling sensation was a reaction to his out of the blue statements or questions, and was in conjunction with some scheme he was setting up to be implemented even MONTHS down the road. Many times I could figure out what he was scheming, which worked in my favor. Other times, I couldn’t figure out his scheme until later..then it was the most earth-shattering “ah hahh” moment, and very very shattering to me.
I was never wrong, by the way, when I finally figured out how to think like him. How to recognize these “set-up” times.
He talked too much. Prior to finishing up the finalities of his schemes, he felt the need to set up a plausible lie or lies. He tried to cover his steps with camouflage…a lie, a suggestion that he counted on to steer me (or others) away from his intent. The “key” was one of these. I will say, he constantly schemed against me primarily, though I’m sure his scheming wasn’t limited to JUST me.
One of the things I’m known for with my friends is, thinking and analyzing upon waking up. This is one realization that hit me first thing this morning.
Why the incessant lies and cover ups? Why would he say SO MUCH in order to mislead me or others? Why did he ALWAYS go too far in the lies, which always exposed his true intent?
HE DIDN’T TRUST HIMSELF! Light bulb goes here! Lightning, fan-fare, the crowd roars…”YEAHHHHH”.
The number one thing I discovered about him in my search for understanding (while still in the relationship) was that he was highly paranoid. Paranoid Personality Disorder and symptoms of it, fit him to a “T”. He trusts NO ONE in his life. I think least of all, himself. He doesn’t trust his ability to keep from exposing his lies and disturbed self to everyone around him. He doesn’t want to get caught. It isn’t because he has a conscience, which would keep him from doing wrong. It’s because he didn’t want to be discovered. Psychopaths have a social understanding of right and wrong. They know what will get them into trouble or have adverse effects that would remove the veil for ALL to see! They know (at least a book-knowledge) right and wrong. They know what they are doing to you, as the victim. It’s intentional and CALCULATED.
I think this is important. It’s important for other survivors to understand a little more about WHY he did what he did. It still makes no sense from a human standpoint, But, we didn’t deal with a HUMAN, now did we?
One more notch for me!! One more thing conquered on this road of healing. I’ll write about all the other ones, later.
Regrowth, reaffirmation, validation, establishing and solidifying old and new boundaries. These are all successes that I look back on as steps ALREADY CONQUERED in this journey.
Once the light goes on, the steps become easier. A huge door has been opened to me and the garbage is spilling out and away from me!
Understanding is such a strength!