Taking a break is the next best step…

I believe that taking a break from blogging right now, is a good idea. I won’t be deleting my blog or anything of the sort. It’s time to start living again. I won’t be dating or toying with the idea for quite some time, but I have realized that I need to LIVE now. I’ve spent countless hours writing down every step that I’ve gone through..every phase that has hit me along the way. I have written these down for any other new survivor that finds themselves in the same place I was, in the beginning.

I’ve hashed and rehashed every possible thing about my Psychopathic X. While still in the relationship I understood that he was psychologically abusive, and decided to try to understand just what I was in. What type of man is he? Why was I so buried with anxiety and confusion? I spent many hours, days and months trying to understand. When I finally understood what he is, (that was pretty close to the end) I got away. I was finally allowed to see just how dangerous he is, and was finally able to see the monster without the veil of pseudo-humanity.

I got away, and with time I came to grips with what I had been through, which included the abuse. I learned to differentiate between every type of psychological abuse the monster used against me, in order to keep me silent, shaken and very very unsure of everything around me…that included myself. I was able to be “ok” with everything, and accept that there are evil people out there that prey on women like me. I was too visible to a predator.  There are no neat little boxes to put the experience in, as it will never make total and complete sense. But, I’m ok with that, now. The box is called “disorder”, and rightfully so. The entire relationship, every day of it, can be categorized as “disordered”. The monster himself, is also “disordered”. That’s the best understanding I have and am able to give you, the new survivor.

Every step from that point on, was with the need and decision to get my life back. To get MYSELF back. I needed him COMPLETELY out of my life. If I was remaining centered on HIM, I would never move forward. I would have lost…He would win. I couldn’t allow that.

I learned to silence his voice in my head for the most part. There are still some very triggering things, that I haven’t learned how to grow past yet, but as it has been in every other step and area, that will come.

The place I am in, now, is going to be a long road. I think I will be stuck talking about the same stuff that I’ve learned up to this point. I’ve been able to find the keys to complete recovery, and the rest..the ease of which will come with more practice.

Today marks no mile stone, other than the fact that I have come “this” far. I’m not giving up in the least! I’m so elated to finally be almost completely free of his effects, I can hardly stand it! I’ve begun the process of recognizing those difficult things about me that made me such an easy target to catch, and worse…to hold onto. It’s these things that will take time to perfect.

The boundaries aspect will take as much time as the redefining of myself, to see to fruition. Though, I highly doubt if I will ever completely ‘arrive” to total completion. That would mean I’ve reached perfection. I am, and will always be, human. I will make mistakes in my life. I will probably meet another like the monster. There in lies the entire reason for reaffirming and building boundaries. It’s the reason for recognizing and changing the difficult things about myself, so when that day comes, I won’t allow myself to be food for another SPATH. I will recognize and trust my instincts without fail. But, even more than that, I am changing and respecting every new and old boundary I have, from this day forward. Not just so I won’t have a repeat of hell in my life, but so I will finally be WHOLE! Holistically whole. Healthy boundaries, healthy views of myself and others, and complete. It’s the person I had never met, that is the reason for all the changes and affirmations, now.

That person is myself!

My instincts have NEVER ONCE failed me! I will repeat that, because I have said that to friends and gotten some flack over it. MY INSTINCTS HAVE NEVER, EVER, FAILED ME. They have always been true and faithful. It’s my distrust of myself and of those instincts, that allowed the abuse to continue as long as it did. My X started showing me his true nature, early on. I was so caught up with who I thought I met, I just wouldn’t allow myself to believe anything less. It was when I was hit with TOTAL reality that I couldn’t ignore the abuse anymore, or excuse it, or find more “patience” with that “poor man”. I have gone through several abusive relationships in my life. I have never had the wherewithal to change, nor did I ever see the need to recognize the unhealthy characteristics about myself that wound up hurting me every time. I thought I was fine and it was all the asshole’s fault. It wasn’t until I was psychologically raped and almost destroyed as a result, that I was finally able to recognize that there was SOMETHING about me that I needed to learn and ultimately, change. I place no blame anywhere. The psychopath is being true to his disorder and can’t be expected to be anything else. He thinks its amusing to play the game. That’s what his disorder creates. I feel no sympathy or pity for the monster. He knew what he did in placing every pawn and scenario, calculatedly and without remorse, and  tried to destroy me a little more with each passing day. It was fun for him to do this. I was a game to him.

Never again.

I have been able to be ok with everything, or as much as I am humanly able. I have made peace with the abuse, in as much as I am able to right now. I have made MORE peace than was there a year ago. I will NEVER make peace with the Monster. No contact means absolutely NO CONTACT…EVER! Just because I am more at peace with the abuse, doesn’t mean the predator has had a life changing epiphany, too. He never will. Ever.

So, as each day continues from here, I will continue to reaffirm my validity as a human being. I will AFFIRM the fact that my feelings are worthy of their own grand-stand (in a way). It’s ok for me to request that others respect me, as much as I respect them. It’s ok to walk away from a situation or person who refuses to respect my boundaries. When my age-old intuition starts playing the harp with my nerve endings, it is ok for me to listen and trust it. I have always, deep down, had my own interests at heart. It’s ok for me to validate my OWN life, my OWN NEEDS, and so-on.

From here, I will continue breathing, taking each day…each step…as it comes. Sometimes there isn’t a “right” way or direction to go in our healing process. There are no rules, as we each heal differently. Understand that the sooner you are able to focus on YOURSELF, the better off you will be. Keep in mind that when there is no “right” way, the ONLY right way is to MOVE YOUR FEET! Life and situations will meet you, that will facilitate your own healing, as long as you aren’t allowing yourself to stay TRAPPED in a wounded state of mind.

The you that you will meet along the way, will astound you. You will amaze you, as I have been amazed through every day of my journey.

I will continue to read your posts and comment. I will continue to be there for other survivors, so feel free to talk to me. I’m still here.

Thank you for every one of you!

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15 thoughts on “Taking a break is the next best step…

    1. Thank you, Paula 😀 And, thank you for being a great friend and strength to me during everything! I think when I come back to blogging, there will be some WONDERFUL things to say! I have developed some great tools, and it’s time to put them into practice. Practice makes perfect, eh?? lol! That means to live and take care of responsibilities. I need to take care of my other friends that I have pushed away. I expect great things from here! I would be lying if I said I was full of confidence. I’m not, pure and simple. My gut is telling me that this is the next step. You are a wonderful, beautiful soul and you are very special to me.

  1. This is awesome! You got it down now. It’s all uphill from here.

    The instinct thing, I don’t categorize it that way anymore. PTSD is there for a reason. I have learned to look at it as an appropriate response to FEAR. Those instincts are those of fear, that protect us from harm. I’ve learned that sometimes my instincts are NOT always accurate. You know when people are labeling other people spaths, narcs, etc, (this happened to me last night, if you don’t know this already), they think they are going according to their “instincts” they are absolute ‘right’ about that person. Um, noooooooooooo….this is why I wrote the post about not everyone is disordered. That’s called hyper vigilance, NOT instincts. FEAR, now THAT is a response. When someone makes me afraid, or something makes me afraid, I listen to it immediately without question. People can be mean sometimes or say something insensitive but it doesn’t make them ‘disordered’, however, if some love bombing psychopath approaches me I feel FEAR and my response is to RUN. THAT feels like instinct and THAT is what I listen too now.

    I know…we can each have different perspectives, but I’m learning that I CAN be wrong. This has helped me to think about my boundaries and values more too. It always prompts more deep work.

    I understand completely where you’re at. I think it’s a good thing to stretch your legs, so to speak for awhile. It gets tiring talking about the disorders and when you’re tired of it, you know you’re moving. what’s irritating is seeing others who won’t. You are one of a few, Michelle.

    Count your MANY blessings and have a BLAST getting to know YOU! 🙂

    1. You’re right about fear. One area that is needed for the survivor to learn is to TRUST the FEAR that shows up! Our gut is probably our closest and bestest ally. The only time I can attribute anything to true “instinct” was when things seemed, looked, and sounded “normal”, and yet my nerves shot through the roof for an instant. This happens quite a lot with me. It happened a few months ago when I parked behind a big truck, only later to discover (after I ignored my inner-warning) that the person who owned the truck rammed my car, pushing it back about 20 feet, and utterly destroyed it. They left before I found it. I’ve ignored that instant “pang” every time. Time to stop it! lol!!

      A lot of my thinking and ruminating was because I was worried that I was wrong about my X being a Psychopath. I won’t label someone anything or accuse without being certain. You’ll probably notice that in my earliest posts. I wavered between “Narcissist” and “maybe a psychopath” for a while.

      While you are learning you CAN be wrong, I’m learning I CAN be right sometimes :D. It’s nice to admit that to myself, now.

      I had to get to the point that I was ready to work on me. Even in those days that I was taking my confidence back, though it was primarily to regain areas he tried to destroy, it was ultimately about him all along. That is, in the beginning. Now, it’s all about me 🙂 He’s not worth wasting any more of my life or any more time on. I don’t care about the “why’s” or “what’s” anymore. All I care about, now, is becoming the ME I’ve missed my whole life! It’ll be great finding out my natural strengths, what I’m capable of, and even those areas that I’m still weak in. Life is about forever growing, learning and touching other’s lives, even in a small way. That could mean in a short smile at a stranger. We never know where they are, or how much that smile could mean in their life, at that point in time.

      by the way, you aren’t getting rid of me 😀

  2. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. I was just surfing the net and came across your blog. Good job! I too am a survivor of a psychotic ex and stalker. And…you are so right…you cannot have any contact with the monster WHATSOEVER!! At first, I tried to be nice and get out, but he would not allow it. He CONFUSED pity for love. I moved to a different city and stayed “anonymous” to hide out from the psycho! I had horrible nightmares for years. I found out it was probably PTSD. Therapy helped. I recommend it to everyone. I have been saying for years that I was going to write a book about the stalker, because there are not many out there that tell the victim how to handle the stalker and abuser. It has twelve years now, and I still bear the scars from the monster. I am happily married to the love of my life for seven years now. God answered my prayers after years of recoverying and working on me. God bless you, Sally

  3. Reblogged this on Sally's Serenity Spot and commented:
    I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. I was just surfing the net and came across your blog. Good job! I too am a survivor of a psychotic ex and stalker. And…you are so right…you cannot have any contact with the monster WHATSOEVER!! At first, I tried to be nice and get out, but he would not allow it. He CONFUSED pity for love. I moved to a different city and stayed “anonymous” to hide out from the psycho! I had horrible nightmares for years. I found out it was probably PTSD. Therapy helped. I recommend it to everyone. I have been saying for years that I was going to write a book about the stalker, because there are not many out there that tell the victim how to handle the stalker and abuser. It has twelve years now, and I still bear the scars from the monster. I am happily married to the love of my life for seven years now. God answered my prayers after years of recovering and working on me. God bless you, Sally

    1. That’s wonderful, Sally! Thank you for following, reblogging and commenting. I am very glad you were able to move past the abuse and abuser in order to start a new life and be happy! Very happy for you 😀

      My funds are quite limited so therapy is no longer an option for me. I did try for a few months but just couldn’t afford it. I am carefully doing a great deal of introspection and extrospection, in order to weed out the right steps to take. It’s proven to be a bit difficult at times, but as long as I continue moving, the rest is seeming to take care of itself (in a manner of speaking).

      It’s been a year and 5 months since I’ve been completely free from mine. A year and 7 since I broke up with him for the last time. It’s been rough and tough, but the good that the experience brought about, is wonderful.

      Great to meet you, Sally

  4. The idea of them being DISORDER rings so true. It also adds an astonishing comprehension of what I’m doing in creating a haven in my life. I’m creating order.

    I’m so happy for you!

  5. Pingback: Creating a haven… « The Project: Me by Judy

  6. weareonebyruth

    I want to have you hear me jumping up and down cheering. Computers are so limiting. I like the idea of just keep moving. My counselor cautions me against getting stuck. Your description makes more sense. Congratulations on getting ‘this far.’

  7. What a great post! It is so true, and I keep relearning that just because I am healing, growing, and changing, that the abusers in my life have not. As I heal, it just becomes easier to see the ‘disorder’ and pain that they have caused.

    1. something I’ve found, too, is that the farther I am in my healing, the more balanced (there’s some definite room for improvement, here) I see things, the easier it is to recognize even the smallest attack. It happened today. I shut him down in an instant. I refrained from strangling the guy (yay me), but I did NOT just sit back and take it. Small victories, eh? It’s easier to call a spade a spade than it ever was before meeting my X-monster. Before, I was full of excuses for the wrongful party. i was quick to claim blame and beat myself up for it. I’m growing some real balls finally (:D). Though they are still quite tiny, they’re definitely firmly planted! haha!

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