I believe that taking a break from blogging right now, is a good idea. I won’t be deleting my blog or anything of the sort. It’s time to start living again. I won’t be dating or toying with the idea for quite some time, but I have realized that I need to LIVE now. I’ve spent countless hours writing down every step that I’ve gone through..every phase that has hit me along the way. I have written these down for any other new survivor that finds themselves in the same place I was, in the beginning.
I’ve hashed and rehashed every possible thing about my Psychopathic X. While still in the relationship I understood that he was psychologically abusive, and decided to try to understand just what I was in. What type of man is he? Why was I so buried with anxiety and confusion? I spent many hours, days and months trying to understand. When I finally understood what he is, (that was pretty close to the end) I got away. I was finally allowed to see just how dangerous he is, and was finally able to see the monster without the veil of pseudo-humanity.
I got away, and with time I came to grips with what I had been through, which included the abuse. I learned to differentiate between every type of psychological abuse the monster used against me, in order to keep me silent, shaken and very very unsure of everything around me…that included myself. I was able to be “ok” with everything, and accept that there are evil people out there that prey on women like me. I was too visible to a predator. There are no neat little boxes to put the experience in, as it will never make total and complete sense. But, I’m ok with that, now. The box is called “disorder”, and rightfully so. The entire relationship, every day of it, can be categorized as “disordered”. The monster himself, is also “disordered”. That’s the best understanding I have and am able to give you, the new survivor.
Every step from that point on, was with the need and decision to get my life back. To get MYSELF back. I needed him COMPLETELY out of my life. If I was remaining centered on HIM, I would never move forward. I would have lost…He would win. I couldn’t allow that.
I learned to silence his voice in my head for the most part. There are still some very triggering things, that I haven’t learned how to grow past yet, but as it has been in every other step and area, that will come.
The place I am in, now, is going to be a long road. I think I will be stuck talking about the same stuff that I’ve learned up to this point. I’ve been able to find the keys to complete recovery, and the rest..the ease of which will come with more practice.
Today marks no mile stone, other than the fact that I have come “this” far. I’m not giving up in the least! I’m so elated to finally be almost completely free of his effects, I can hardly stand it! I’ve begun the process of recognizing those difficult things about me that made me such an easy target to catch, and worse…to hold onto. It’s these things that will take time to perfect.
The boundaries aspect will take as much time as the redefining of myself, to see to fruition. Though, I highly doubt if I will ever completely ‘arrive” to total completion. That would mean I’ve reached perfection. I am, and will always be, human. I will make mistakes in my life. I will probably meet another like the monster. There in lies the entire reason for reaffirming and building boundaries. It’s the reason for recognizing and changing the difficult things about myself, so when that day comes, I won’t allow myself to be food for another SPATH. I will recognize and trust my instincts without fail. But, even more than that, I am changing and respecting every new and old boundary I have, from this day forward. Not just so I won’t have a repeat of hell in my life, but so I will finally be WHOLE! Holistically whole. Healthy boundaries, healthy views of myself and others, and complete. It’s the person I had never met, that is the reason for all the changes and affirmations, now.
That person is myself!
My instincts have NEVER ONCE failed me! I will repeat that, because I have said that to friends and gotten some flack over it. MY INSTINCTS HAVE NEVER, EVER, FAILED ME. They have always been true and faithful. It’s my distrust of myself and of those instincts, that allowed the abuse to continue as long as it did. My X started showing me his true nature, early on. I was so caught up with who I thought I met, I just wouldn’t allow myself to believe anything less. It was when I was hit with TOTAL reality that I couldn’t ignore the abuse anymore, or excuse it, or find more “patience” with that “poor man”. I have gone through several abusive relationships in my life. I have never had the wherewithal to change, nor did I ever see the need to recognize the unhealthy characteristics about myself that wound up hurting me every time. I thought I was fine and it was all the asshole’s fault. It wasn’t until I was psychologically raped and almost destroyed as a result, that I was finally able to recognize that there was SOMETHING about me that I needed to learn and ultimately, change. I place no blame anywhere. The psychopath is being true to his disorder and can’t be expected to be anything else. He thinks its amusing to play the game. That’s what his disorder creates. I feel no sympathy or pity for the monster. He knew what he did in placing every pawn and scenario, calculatedly and without remorse, and tried to destroy me a little more with each passing day. It was fun for him to do this. I was a game to him.
I have been able to be ok with everything, or as much as I am humanly able. I have made peace with the abuse, in as much as I am able to right now. I have made MORE peace than was there a year ago. I will NEVER make peace with the Monster. No contact means absolutely NO CONTACT…EVER! Just because I am more at peace with the abuse, doesn’t mean the predator has had a life changing epiphany, too. He never will. Ever.
So, as each day continues from here, I will continue to reaffirm my validity as a human being. I will AFFIRM the fact that my feelings are worthy of their own grand-stand (in a way). It’s ok for me to request that others respect me, as much as I respect them. It’s ok to walk away from a situation or person who refuses to respect my boundaries. When my age-old intuition starts playing the harp with my nerve endings, it is ok for me to listen and trust it. I have always, deep down, had my own interests at heart. It’s ok for me to validate my OWN life, my OWN NEEDS, and so-on.
From here, I will continue breathing, taking each day…each step…as it comes. Sometimes there isn’t a “right” way or direction to go in our healing process. There are no rules, as we each heal differently. Understand that the sooner you are able to focus on YOURSELF, the better off you will be. Keep in mind that when there is no “right” way, the ONLY right way is to MOVE YOUR FEET! Life and situations will meet you, that will facilitate your own healing, as long as you aren’t allowing yourself to stay TRAPPED in a wounded state of mind.
The you that you will meet along the way, will astound you. You will amaze you, as I have been amazed through every day of my journey.
I will continue to read your posts and comment. I will continue to be there for other survivors, so feel free to talk to me. I’m still here.
Thank you for every one of you!