Why I made it out after a little over one year

Today, while plugging along in my new duties at work, I kept thinking about a couple of things. This has been a topic of discussion, or reasonable mention, for a little while now. I wanted to address it, because I believe it’s important for others to understand, too: It’s the reasons I was able to see the Monster and his evil, slimy hide so early and as a result, was able to find the strength to leave.

The reasons were two-fold (quite possibly 3).

I learned some of the tactics he was using against me (and others) when I was very young, as a curious topic. I had an insatiable drive to learn whatever I could get my hands on, or what I thought sounded interesting. For whatever reason, I noticed several things that were pretty standard behaviors and reactions among people which are natural and universal (in normal humans who have a conscience and are strong empaths). I noticed them, saw what things, words and tones brought about certain reactions, and realized just how easy it would be to get someone to act the way you wanted them to, without the person realizing it. It was a curiosity for me, much like Astrology and personality traits. It was never something that was callous on my part, or something that I would EVER use in an evil or self-serving way. I’ve never used it against anyone. I just learned that type of manipulation was possible. It was the same with Brainwashing tactics. I learned it for no reason but to learn the facts behind it. This was one thing that allowed me to see the abuse and manipulation earlier. Both of these are part of Brainwashing, by the way.

English: A large chess game inside Enoch Pratt...
English: A large chess game inside Enoch Pratt Free Library in Baltimore, MD, USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In a video I saw recently, it compared the methods of this type of psychopath to a game of chess. Each piece on a chess board has a particular move. They never differ in those moves. The player can use each chess piece to manipulate their opponent into moving in a desired direction, setting them up for defeat. The pieces are people who the psychopath chooses to be pawns or blind patseys. These people are set up against the chosen prey, without realizing their role in the game, to guide the victim to act or react in a particular direction, which guides him/her to be defeated. They also use carefully placed lies, told with just the right “tone” to make it more believable. Much like the shepherd and his gentle prodding of his staff guiding sheep to slaughter. How many parallels can I come up with? It’s all gross manipulation at its worst. It’s gas-lighting, crazy making, sly talk with a slithering, forked tongue. It’s evil and dangerous, when you are dealing with a Psychopath who has no natural limits to what he/she is capable of. It’s cruel anyway, but especially in the hands of a Psychopath. This is what got my final attention.

When I met my X, he was only charming until we exchanged phone numbers, basically. He was only a gentleman for a very short time. Looking back, it seems like he was already rushing to get the “job” done with me. He wasted no time.  It was only a few weeks in, that he started dosing me with his crap. At first, it was to see how I would react. What made me tick. What would make me feel guilty and be easily swayed. It’s what made the rest of his tactics work as well as they did. He knew I didn’t trust my instincts, and that an angry tone would get me to cower or second-guess myself. He used this with great cunning and skill.

Most people aren’t placed in the same type of scenario. Their monsters (whether it be male or female psychopaths) were more patient with them and in implementation of the scheme of control and assimilation, I assume. The grooming stage was more slowly played, setting the victim feeling overwhelming euphoria just in his or her presence. It’s this stage that makes us believe everything GOOD about him or her.

For me, the grooming stage was intermittent with quick guided taunts and demeaning statements. It was mixed with quick bursts of anger and accusations, then when I would be upset by the shock, it wasn’t him at all that caused it. It was because of “past relationship issues” or what-not. This was within a matter of a couple of weeks. He would do nice things, and then within a few hours he would say something cruel or twist a scenario, words, or his perceptions in order to get me confused, and shaken. I was already guided into being afraid to contradict or question his actions. Instead, I silently stirred everything around in my mind, as I knew nothing he was trying to get me to believe was at ALL correct. However at the same time, I was battling in the same way, trying to convince myself that I was wrong about him. I wanted so bad to believe he was still the sweet gentleman that I met. He was horribly jealous. But not just jealous…absolutely paranoid to the point that he had to keep my entire household on edge. With each gas-lighting attempt, I would utter some nonsense statement to myself, in order to try to convince myself that the abuse didn’t just happen that way; that he didn’t just try to convince me of an obvious lie. While I had the good vs evil dialogue playing back and forth in my mind, I was gradually but incessantly becoming conditioned to act and react the way he directed. I was still aware of the anxiety, fear and confusion inside of me. I was aware where it was coming from and what caused it. You notice the pin wheel effect, here? That’s what my thought processes were, the entire time during that year. There was a battle going on, between my gut and my reasoning. I couldn’t shut off my intuition or fear. The more I ignored it, the more my body revolted against me.

When you continuously ignore those warnings that your body sends you, it begins to erupt in the form of illness, panic attacks, weight loss, and so many others. It’s better to listen when your body is trying to tell you something with intuition or fear. Me, I was affected by constant anxiety and fear. My weight dropped drastically to below 10o pounds, and never above 102. My normal weight is 120. I had a nervous breakdown right in front of him. Imagine the fun he had with THAT!

It was solely my curse of incessant introspection and extrospection that kept me thinking about what I was seeing, hearing and experiencing from the monster. I was constantly aware of my body’s reactions to what was said or done, including lies and set ups against me. I was completely aware when he would set someone up to believe a lie. I was aware when he did that to me. I was aware when he set up a scheme to be used at a later date. How he set it up, what was told to whom in order to make the job easier, and so on. I was ALWAYS aware. I just ignored, placated, second-guessed myself, and became the fargen jelly-fish for his sake. After I realized how bad he was for me, I was too afraid to walk away. I didn’t know what he would do if I did, so I stayed in that hell, trying to find the best “diplomatic” way to break up with him.

You see, There are 2 or 3 things that enabled me to see him for what he was/is, sooner. 1) The fact that I studied those very tactics so many years prior to my jaunt with the Psychopath, that after some time I recognized them. 2) Though he DID try to groom me to be more receptive to him, he was impatient and pushed the abuse too soon…I mean the more obvious abuse. 3) My curse or blessing of the art of introspection and extrospection. Self analysis.

With these, I was forced to end things as a matter of safety, finally. It was a final scheme he set me up for, that I caught him in and all at once, realized that he HAS NO LIMITS AS TO WHAT HE WAS CAPABLE OF. Just that knowledge made me realize how evil he really is, and how much danger I was in.

There was still a lot of damage done. It didn’t have to be that way, though. I was aware of the warnings my body was giving me, but didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t trust myself and instantly reasoned everything away. It didn’t silence my intuition or awareness of what he was causing to erupt in ME. I allowed for the abuse to continue. I created the perfect scenario for him to really get deep into my psyche and cause damage. Some areas are really bad. I may talk about that in a later post.

The effects he caused in just one year, are the same as those caused in a victim (now survivor) who had been a pathological relationship for many years. I say that because the symptoms I have and the battles, reaffirmation, purging and so on, are the same as other survivors who were in it longer. I am living it. I lived it. I know what is left of me. I am lucky that I was able to see him sooner and begin the healing process. He was good at his game, very thorough and conniving. His tactics and abilities are so fine-tuned, he can cut you apart while making you believe he’s giving you a massage.

I still consider myself lucky, in the grand scale, though not so much because of the damage left. The healing that I have seen so far, is also being brought about by my awareness and self-analysis. The same that was around during that year with the monster. I’m a thinker. I analyze. I come up with ideas of how-to, and attempt to put them into practice. So far, it’s worked for me for the most part. If it doesn’t, I breathe, change directions and try again.

I hope this has answered some questions you might be having.

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One thought on “Why I made it out after a little over one year

  1. Pingback: Why I made it out after a little over one year | My Blog

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