It’s a wonderful thing to know you are free, isn’t it? What does that mean to you, to be free? To those who are still living inside the talons of the Psychopath, freedom can mean something completely different. In the beginning of the “relationship”, you might believe you have never felt so free to be yourself. Free to be in love. I have a difficult time with this aspect, since the entire time during my time with the monster, I don’t remember ever feeling or BEING FREE. While in the relationship, I was Free to fear. Free NOT to trust my own instincts or perceptions. Free to lose my identity and confidence. Free to let go of everyone in my life who ever loved me. That means friends, and family. I was free alright…free to be conditioned, controlled, manipulated and made to believe I was, in deed, going crazy. I was free to cry, shake uncontrollably, free to break down. I was also free to be psychologically imprisoned, for a time. I was free to consider suicide; after all, that just reinforced his story that I was mentally disturbed. That’s not freedom, is it? What we don’t allow ourselves to understand or believe, is that we have always been FREE to END the abuse!
Living with the torment caused by a Psychopath or Narcissist is something that, while you are in it, you feel powerless to break away from. You are free to be a lot of things at his disposal, but NEVER free to be YOU! The psychopath works very hard to squash you and mold you into someone who he or she can better use, devalue, build up his own visions of grandeur, allowing him or her to appear to be more powerful and perfect. The evidence of these things is in their ability to control the victim. You, me and every other person to ever be targeted. This is not freedom. This is imprisonment. This is cruel and evil. This is reality, even if someone has never experienced this type of abuse before. It’s not “pretend” or stuff made of Hollywood. You and I met someone who cannot be explained or understood, completely. Even less, it’s almost impossible to understand just what we went through, or who (what) we met.
I refuse to lay blame anywhere, anymore, but I do recognize where responsibility lies. We can’t expect the disordered mind to accept or internalize anything resembling remorse or “taking responsibility” for their actions. Their brains just aren’t wired that way. They understand (as far as society teaches) but have no need or desire to follow through. It (as we) means nothing to them, and they are unable to react humanly or humanely. They COULD make the decision to “act” correctly, but to them it’s unnecessary and a worthless venture. It’s part of their disorder. We can always hope and wish for it to happen, but the fact is, it just WON’T happen! That alone will cause the survivor much inner turmoil.
We can’t stand the knowledge that we have been so damaged, so abused, so emotionally, mentally and psychologically raped, and our X-lover or supposed soul-mate has moved on without caring about what is left of US! We hate. We grieve. We beat at the air, shake our fists at God and scream because there’s no one to say, “I’m sorry…please forgive me”. We carry all of it ourselves. That’s the hardest part to come to grips with. At least, it was the hardest part of understanding, that I had to work through. If someone were to ask the abuser about their role in the abuse, one would hear something from that person, like: “He or she is nothing but a child, and crazy. He or she is juvenile and needs to see a doctor…all I ever tried to do is LOVE him or her back to sanity…back to health…”. At least, that’s what my X-monster would say about me and his role in the abuse. Not worth wasting our breath, trying to get someone to carry the blame, is it? If we can’t lay blame on an evil entity, believing they will take responsibility for…to own up to…the abuse, then who carries it?
In the early days of getting away from the abuser, it’s as if the anger, grief and confusion circles in and around us, searching for some place to land. Some place that it belongs. Since there is no-one to accept it as theirs, all of the turmoil stays inside and around us, festering into a painful boil. Here it stays for a time. We ruminate about the abuse. We analyze all of our experience with the abuser, trying to understand and come to grips with it. I have come to understand that, though all of the rehashing and ruminating about the abuse DID help me at the time, it really wasn’t completely to understand the monster. I was actually looking for someone or something to lay the burden of grief, anger, pain and confusion, on. There was no-one and nothing to take it or take responsibility for it. No one to understand it, and give me some relief. Instead, I was left to carry it, solely. I couldn’t handle the weight, though I HAD to carry it for a while, until I learned how to let it go. Here’s the nutty thing…I didn’t realize I had let it go until one day when I recognized that it just wasn’t “there” anymore. What a wonderful realization!!
The first thing to realize about the abuse, and the abuser is: It just IS. It HAPPENED…end of chapter. Once you come to that realization, and find some peace about it, the rest follows.
One of the most difficult parts of the healing process (and I mean those who WANT to heal!), is recognizing our part in our own hell. Many of us have had abusive backgrounds, prior to the psychopathic influences. We were trained to be victims. To be unsure of ourselves. Many of us have been afraid of negative ANYTHING, including emotion. We learned to second-guess our own perceptions and intuition regarding a man or woman. We only trust our fairy-tale views of that person, and fight to PROVE that we weren’t wrong about them. Unfortunately, that creates the perfect playing field for ANY FUTURE abusers. For me, I didn’t recognize this truth, until my jaunt with my psychopath/monster. It took THAT, to get me to do the deep researching into my OWN damaged psyche. Up till that time, I thought everything I did while in a relationship was righteous and good. I was a good woman and mate. Nope…I was a WONDERFUL door mat! I could never understand just WHY I kept finding abusive men, until the aftermath of my own experience with the personification of pure evil. Eh…until I met the last and final abuser in my life. When I realized this, I wrongfully landed ALL of the blame onto myself! I beat myself up for it, and decided to try to get rid of the “bad” me. That was incorrect thinking. It took a very strong, long time friend to convince me of that fact. Unfortunately, I’m not alone in that line of thinking. MANY survivors do JUST THAT!
When you are able to understand the role you played, however innocently, you will begin to be free. Truly FREE! Recognize the areas that your boundaries were either weak or non-existent and start the process of defining those boundaries, and strengthening them. Understand…AND I REALLY MEAN “UNDERSTAND”… that you are NOT at fault!! Not at all! You learned as any child would learn, by example, training and conditioning, at some time during your life. You acted and reacted in accordance with that teaching. You can only do and be what you know. When you understand that it was THOSE THINGS that made you a sumptuous meal to an abuser, as well as the abuser you dealt with who is nothing but disordered, you can begin the process of REBUILDING. The new cornerstone of YOU needs to be LOVE for yourself. When you learn to say, “No” for the right reasons, you will discover a new strength building inside of you. Say “No” to mistreatment, not because you “should” but because you are WORTH IT!! Your emotions and feelings are valid. They, as are you, are entitled to be free, understood and validated. Understand this, and let it become your core!
Shake off the abuse. You won’t forget it, but you will be able to walk away from it in time. Begin to put your new understanding and knowledge into practice. It will be very difficult at first, because old habits die hard. It’s not something to feel defeated in, as each victory begins with a few trips and bumps. It’s in dusting ourselves off and never stopping, that we will become truly WHOLE!
Free to be… I’m finally free to be me. Free to be who I was meant to be. I’m still a little shaky in my baby-steps, but getting stronger day by day.
I look forward to hearing of survivors who are no longer trapped in the victim mind-set, but shed that for being and LIVING AS A SURVIVOR!
You are free to be YOU. You are free to be whole. You are free to be whatever and whomever you want to be!