Some new survivors are searching for information about the hell they just got out of. They are grasping at straws to find some solid ground, in order to try to understand literally EVERYTHING they witnessed, experienced and suffered in the abuse. This is a natural and very much needed thing for them to go through and very VERY necessary. I went through that phase for literally months after ending my own relationship with a Psychopath. It took me a solid year to finally feel like my own skin wasn’t a foreign entity, and was able to be more like myself in the face of co-workers, who I feared for a while. As new survivors, we need to know we aren’t alone. After all, when we were in and then freshly out of the relationship, being alone is all we knew. Everyone around us, including ourselves, felt as though we lost our minds as a result of the toxicity of that relationship. Of the perpetrator. We needed to feel and know some vindication for our trauma. We need to be understood and believed by SOMEBODY! We needed to find some understanding for something so incomprehensible that we were in a tail-spin. Trying to make complete sense of what you just got out of, is pretty much impossible. But that doesn’t mean it’s worthless to try. It’s worth it for the new survivor to spend some time ruminating over the relationship, the abuse, the one who caused it, as well as our own actions and reactions inside the relationship.
I understand this need, as I still have that time fresh in my own mind. It wasn’t too long ago that I was in that place, too. It was the beginning of growth. At the time, I didn’t see it as anything but excruciating. During that time, I experienced anxiety attacks, miniature breakdowns, outrageous anxiety and fear of everyone and everything around me. There was nothing solid that i could stand on, by myself, at first. I felt like a cliff had broken under my feet, and I was in a free-fall. Very scary place to be, isn’t it? Now I see that time as growing pangs. It was my psyche, relearning how to balance. This is the beginning of relearning how to walk.
We need to think, learn, read, hash and re-hash everything until we have exhausted this phase. Once it has become exhausted, with nothing else we can do or learn, we then are free to resign ourselves to the facts…”it isn’t anything worth crying over anymore.” and, “it just WAS.” There really isn’t any better understanding for us to grasp. Once we can accept that as the best option, we are free to take another step. If you aren’t “there” yet, I encourage you to continue trying to understand. You will come to that understanding, or something that makes a difference to you, in time. When you are at relative peace, then you are ready to learn to stand up.
I remember each step I have taken since the beginning of my exodus from the monster, and the toxic spasmodic relationship that I clung to for a time. Looking back, I realize that I would never have been able to understand or accept anything else in future months, until I learned to walk again. First I had to find balance…
We don’t remember when we were babies, though many of us had children of our own. You knew instinctively, that you couldn’t expect your new baby to recite the alphabet or run a marathon. In order to run, that baby must first learn how to balance and sit up without assistance. We had to sit, to be able to crawl or stand. We had to learn how to stand before we could run.
The beginning of our healing from psychopathic or narcissistic abuse, is nothing short of re-learning how to balance ourselves. It’s hard at first, but it becomes easier. We have a ton of ruminating over the turmoil inside ourselves to do, before we can find balance in-spite of the pain left. This phase really can take months to find the way out of it. It’s necessary to grow.
Before I continue, I need to tell you that everything I write is what I know, based on my own experiences in the healing process. I can only share what I know and understand, myself. That doesn’t mean that you will heal in the same way. Some things you will find the ability to move past, faster than I ever did. Other things I suggest, might not work for you or your situation. I mention those things only because it worked for me and it just MIGHT work for you, too.
If you are still learning to balance yourself, with walking upright as your goal, you aren’t ready for the next phases. It will be frustrating to understand something you just aren’t ready for, yet. In order to get to the point of understanding the deeper issues, you must first conquer the smaller issues.
It’s ok. Give yourself that time, but refuse to become complacent, stagnant or frozen in step. Always keep moving in the direction of wholeness and healing. Learn the art of self-analyzing. It will help you to know when you are ready to take the next step.