Survivors and supporters

I start this entry with a little uncertainty. I follow an amazing survivor’s blog, who is very instrumental in my own process, as well as many others. She is heart-felt, understanding and says the hard things about ourselves. Things that we need to know in order to move on and to heal.(http://theabilitytolove.wordpress.com/) . She gently admonishes other survivors, because she has BEEN THERE TOO! She understands the gravity of the situation and necessity to move PAST the victim mind-set, and into the new realm of SURVIVOR! Some things are hard to deal with, but are necessary to deal with them and understand the importance of MOVING.

I have been seeing some turmoil around her of late, and to say it is disturbing to me would be an understatement. Her advise to survivors is being picked apart and ridiculed. SHE is being ridiculed and picked apart. I believe whole-heartedly that this is due to mis-understanding to some degree. Also, trolls will always be trolls. They are disordered minds in cyber-bodies. They rip apart and trip the bigger picture…HEALING! That is their intent, using it to sway others and get our focus away from where it needs to be. Not only do they try to sway opinions of the survivors, but they also try to hurt and discourage the ones doing the work. It makes them feel powerful. They are happy with the outcome, if it is one that directs others away from where they need to be. To know they can sway the thoughts and opinions of the “masses” makes them feel special, entitled and powerful.

They suck eggs.

The trolls are the easy ones to understand and pick apart. Like my Psychopathic X, I wish they would crawl back into the sulfuric chasm they crawled up from, and burn. But, as difficult as it is to accept, they have a role in this life, too. They test our weaknesses and strength, just like the full-blown Narcissist and Psychopath. They gain power from our weaknesses, yes, but at the same time they EXPOSE those areas to us! We can’t fix or change those areas that are still unknown to us. This is something good that comes from ones like this. Experiencing those like the troll, if we deal with things correctly, will allow us to become STRONGER in the end, not weaker. Trolls test our progress.

She is in the position of a type of healer. Not exactly a ‘healer’, but helper, encourager, director, counselor and a friend. These people have always and WILL ALWAYS fall under some sort of scrutiny. I really don’t understand why that is. The righteous have ALWAYS been examined with a tooth-pick, to expose something that would discredit them and the work they do. People just can NOT let things be, without destroying the helper and those that have been helped, all under the guise of “truth”. Look at Jesus, or the prophets who became martyrs. How about the apostles being exiled and imprisoned for their work and beliefs. It’s never been any different. I don’t compare any of us who are helping and encouraging others, to the holiest of holy people to have ever walked our planet. In fact, I shun such comparisons. If you are consistently doing good for others, it makes those who are NOT feel exposed.

If you are being targeted by trolls or critics, take heart…

You are doing SOMETHING RIGHT!! Feel better? I sure hope so.

Now, for the survivors who are “critiquing” where it’s not warranted. Those who are criticizing…

I believe there are a few reasons behind this… Some survivors are bitter and happy (at least for the time being) to wallow in self-pity and pain. They are stuck in the place they were left after being discarded or running from the disordered individual. Please understand… I am NOT talking about survivors who are fresh out of the relationship!!! This does not apply to YOU at all! I’m talking about the habitual attention-seekers, who are constantly and consistently looking for SOMEONE to pity them or make them “feel” better. I’m talking about those survivors who have been out of the relationship for YEARS, and are still stuck. You don’t like the exposition of someone’s advise which suggests that you are habitually ruminating, and need to STOP in order to heal and become whole. For those, a chord has been struck because you feel EXPOSED. You don’t like to be told that you are making any mistakes. A bit of advise to those survivors. You hold the cards to your OWN healing. It’s something that we can’t glean from others. We can gain advise from others, but please understand that each person’s process is their OWN. All we can do is use their experience and advise as a guide to walk our own journey. Instead of bitching and complaining, take some time to open your minds, ears and hearts, and REALLY WORK on your own healing journey. You stopped moving forward at some point. Start moving your feet again. You’ve lost sight of the prize that is pure FREEDOM. You blame others for that. Please stop. Your life is your own. You make it what YOU want it to be. It’s not the fault of the counselors (in any form) that you won’t recognize the hard things. That you won’t accept responsibility for your own healing.

Again, I re-emphasize this fact: The above is meant for those individuals who have been AWAY from the relationship for YEARS, and NOT new survivors who are currently in the beginning stages of healing. 

For those who are fresh out of the abusive relationship, my next post is for you. Books are meant to be paperback, or hard-covered, sold in book stores 😀

I’ll spare you for now.

Accept your own responsibility for your OWN path, as a survivor.

For those who support survivors… You are experiencing growing pains! You are being a great help and support to survivors who WANT to heal, or are READY to move on through their healing process. I appreciate you and the work you do. Thank you for helping ME!

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11 thoughts on “Survivors and supporters

  1. People who lash out with the intention of hurting others are coming from the position of hurting within themselves and usually in denial of it because they either can’t or won’t face it. People who feel compelled to “troll” online do so because of their own insecurities. I have one repeat-troller on my blog because my point of view threatens his. We disagree. And that’s perfectly fine. No two people will ever see the same thing in the same way. But he seems to be rattled in his own “certainties” about his own beliefs, therefore he feels compelled to “save me” and “correct” my views. Unfortunately, these folks are destructive and self-destructive. The hardest thing we face is not letting them get under our skin or set us back.

    1. You have such a sweet heart, Jean. You see the pain behind many troll’s intentions. Unfortunately, there are trolls out there who’s sole purpose is to create discord and discontent for everyone. The difference is in the heart behind their postings. That’s something that becomes clear. If it’s just a disagreement, and many people like to debate facts, then we can use it to expand our own views and thought processes. He’s lucky to find you, because you are also expanding HIS horizons. The other trolls, just want to create havoc and nothing more.

      1. Michelle,

        I tend to agree with you here. I won’t engage on the blog with trolls or drama queens because I move into enabling them in their behavior. Not everyone is going to agree with me and I do get a lot of crap for a ‘tough love’ approach. I was one of the WORST enablers on the planet in the past, hence, all the abusive relationships I’ve had, but learning to say “NO” was a huge deal for me. We all have our limits. I can’t change those who do not want change and for those who do that are on my blog, they are the survivors I love to support. They get it then they get CLEAR and they are willing to do the work it takes to heal. THAT is beautiful, even if more rare than not. It’s funny you know…a survivor the other day was all sorts of pissed off at me because I saw through her denial. she wanted to argue with me about it. I didn’t WANT to argue, but it took me a couple of posts to realize that she wasn’t looking to heal, she was looking to be validated for a mistake in being involved with a psychopath. She is two months out of her relationship. She lashed back. I removed the post and wrote an email and let her know it wasn’t acceptable and that my blog was probably not appropriate for her. I tend to stay far away from newbie’s and give other resources for assistance. I don’t have patience with it, even though I understand it. I think my blog is for those who have been out long enough and are ready to look at themselves. 🙂

        1. It’s hard to have the cure to a life-threatening (or something that threatens our well-being) disease, and not shout it from the roof-tops! When you know the key to REAL healthy living, and mental well-being, it’s hard to remember that some are right where we were in the beginning. I always remember where i was. I remember the mind-set I was in, and how I had to take each step in succession, to be ready for the next. Those days were the slowest moving for me. But they were always moving forward. The days after, when I started looking very close at myself, my weaknesses, the hard things about myself that enabled EVERY abuse i ever endured, have been a wonderful tidal wave of strengthening discoveries. I’m stronger today than I ever thought possible, and that includes at any other time in my life. There’s still healing to come, and I have no clue what form it will take.

  2. **HUGS**

    Wow. Just wow.

    I don’t know what to say except I could not have said it better.

    But this is why YOU are healing, sweetheart, because YOU are willing to do the work and examine yourself and THAT is beautiful and so are YOU. So proud of you!

    By the way….the naysayers are naysayers. Many survivors will choose not to heal. Doing this for a long time, I recognize them. They troll my blog and my page…they lash out because they need to blame someone for not taking responsibility for their lives.

    I tell my truth. Sometimes, it resonates well, sometimes, it doesn’t.

    Something I learned a long time ago: If you read something someone wrote and you’re angry, IT”S YOU.

    Much of my healing work has been done this way.

    Thank you so much….

  3. weareonebyruth

    I learned from my counselor that as long as I waited for someone else to solve my problems is how long I will stay in one place. Progress requires me looking at me and making my way into healthy. Thanks for the reminder.

    1. That’s true, Ruth. There’s a tender place here, though. It’s SO hard to want to walk toward being healed from abuse and finally healthy, but not having even a remote clue just HOW to do that. There are no books or self-enrichment tapes to tackle specifically this type of healing. If there really is, then I would like to know about them so I can read them and in turn, recommend them to others to help them, too. If there is an easier way, then I would love to get my hands on it 😀 After all, I am doing things the hard way! The key to becoming healthy is the ability to look inside ourselves and understand what makes us tick, why, and the areas that need to be changed or strengthened. But even more is refusing to become stagnant. We have to keep moving.

  4. I’ve had a few trolls over the past 12 months but stopped engaging them and just delete their comments now. How do you argue with fools who are hell-bent on discrediting you when you haven’t even set out to gain credit for anything in the first place? It’s crazy-making at its finest!

    I’m here to share my story and possibly help guide others in their journey of discovery. Nothing I say is definitive or should be taken as such. I am not qualified to dish out advice to others and generally suggest to many to seek professional help and/or read selected titles. I am weary of bloggers who try to do more and maybe that’s where some of the readers become offended and lash out.

    It’s always good for each of us as bloggers to check ourselves and be aware of our limitations and the limitations of the virtual world. Helping others is an amazing experience, but not everyone is going to appreciate our advice or accept it, regardless of the stage of their healing. Often, those who are years out and still defensive have bigger issues and pathologies to handle. Just send them on their way. Respectfully deny responding to their comments. That’s my little bit of advice. Thanks! 🙂

    1. Thank you, Paula 🙂 I consider the healing process a type of mine-field. We as survivors, take each step with uncertainty, not knowing if the step is in the right direction. Many times it’s not. In the beginning of my journey (that sounds so goofy), my #1 concern was knowing that I wasn’t alone, though I believed I was. I didn’t know where to turn, so I just “did”. that’s how I found your blog. I researched for months, trying to understand everything that I experienced, and what was left of me. It’s taken me well over a year to get to THIS place. I still haven’t arrived yet. There are several blogs that are a wonderful find for those who are freshly out of the relationship. The only definitive thing about healing is the fact that NOTHING is defined for the individual! Just as it was in my beginning, trying to understand the monster I met, and so-on, i found blogs that just didn’t fit. I kept reading and researching until something finally clicked with my own situation. I imagine it’s much the same way with others. No one’s experience on this road is a perfect match for everyone. But, instead of those folks continuing to read and research when they find a blog that doesn’t fit their experience, they get angry and argue. That’s human nature for many of us. That’s where they stop moving. They get so wrapped up in feeling slighted that they lose sight of the bigger picture.

      As it pertains to trolls, I have seen their effects on others. It’s never pretty or self-less. it’s always done with selfish intent. I can get frustrated pretty easily at times. I only hope that when I am targeted by one that I don’t lash out at them. If I lose my temper, they win. Can’t allow that. I’ll remember your advice when the time comes.

      Thank you!!

  5. Pingback: good intentions « Singing over the bones & rising from the ashes

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