Change of course…How do you win?

In the title, “change of course” was actually meant to say that I’m changing direction in my posts, for a minute. However, it fits this entry, too. I meant it as a change of direction, initially. If you write it as “Change, of course” with a comma inserted, thusly, it changes the entire meaning of that little itty-bitty 3 word phrase.

Ok, the next half…”How do you win?” Change, of course and in a change of course. Have I confused you, yet? I’m good at that. Bear with  me, please. Early new-by’s and semi-seasoned vets (in the wake of Psychological, Narcissistic, Psychopath and Pathological abuse) still battle some things from time to time. This is the only war we will fight that isn’t face to face or hand to hand (I mean after the ending of the relationship). When we leave the toxic relationship, it doesn’t mean the battle is over. Yes, the Narc or Psych will continue his side of the fight through smear campaigns and outright lies. He or she might be vindictive and continue the stalking, in order to stay one step ahead of you. But even this, isn’t what I’m talking about, though in a way it’s included.

In the wake of the abuse, whether that be a few months or a few (or many) years, we still battle the effects of the abuse. *If you have been out of the relationship for a while and you haven’t noticed the inner turmoil subsiding (I don’t mean gone completely), then you are either spinning in place, or have resigned yourself to it. DON’T DO THIS! This means that you lose in the battle, and the abuser WINS!* You are worth more than the ass-hole (male or female) who scrambled you, your confidence and self-worth. You are, in deed and in actuality, ALL COMPLETE HUMAN! That means you have been better than the abuser, from birth. You have ALWAYS BEEN better. Don’t succumb to his or her torture anymore.

Sooo, here we are walking along, doing and saying things that will strengthen us in our daily walk toward wholeness and then all of a sudden, “BAM!” We have a thought that takes us back to the beginning of our battle. For me, this usually happens when I have too much stillness or quiet around me. (like, today) My thoughts go along, willy-nilly, and cause a moment where I am defeated in it. Our thoughts are our own triggers, sometimes. If this happens, turn it around! Take a step or action which combats it. This entry is my step away, by the way, but only as a stepping stone.

I realize that, though I enjoy my days off, they can be counter-productive. My thoughts never EVER stop! I battle the habitual negative thinking, just like any other survivor, from time to time. I started this in the beginning, before I ever met the monster, during my time with him, and now, after my freedom. I’ve been away from him for a year and a half (except those uncontrollable times at work), and I still battle this. The difference, now, vs. the beginning…I realize it! I realize that I don’t have to lose the battle! I realize that I don’t have to be paralyzed by it or succumb to it. I’ve realized it since I left the monster. I’ve battled it daily, since the end of the pseudo-relationship. I recognize a thought creeping in, and shut it down. That doesn’t mean they are gone for good, or that they won’t sneak in unsuspectingly, it just means that I have the tools to shut them down, and OFF, if only just for the moment.

What’s the difference? I don’t settle. I don’t accept this as “the way it is”. I refuse to. I’m better than what I think. I’m better than my past, and I am most DEFINITELY better than the abusers!!

How do we win? Refuse to stay complacent. Refuse to accept less than wonderful thoughts, feelings and things for yourself. He or she will STILL try to keep the fear and negativity fresh in your mind, through their actions while away from you. They know you will hear about it, and count on it to keep your wounds open and raw. Don’t accept it!! This doesn’t mean to seek them out and hurt them, in retaliation. Remember? You are better than that! They aren’t worth the heart-ache or aggravation. They aren’t worth ONE WASTED MOMENT, ON THEM.

This is my own pep-talk, but I do realize that so many others are in the same battle. If being still is what is allowing the negative thoughts to creep up, then get up! Do something productive. Call a friend and encourage them for their day. Wash your car, your house. Take a long shower, and allow the warm water to consume you, and ENJOY IT! When you get out, dress in something that makes you feel beautiful. Do something that makes you feel good. Go for a walk. Anything!!

If the thoughts are REALLY intrusive, on a regular basis…becoming a volunteer for a group that you believe in, is a good way to stay productive toward your OWN healing. I’m actually thinking about volunteering at a local woman’s shelter. We have one that is a lock-down unit for women and children. After a certain time, the gates are locked for each apartment, keeping all inside, safe from attack from an abuser.

The key is to keep moving! Stay POSITIVE! Don’t allow yourself to lose, and the perp to win!! EVER!!!!

You are beautiful. You are strong. You are resourceful.

Find some peace today, in your hearts and minds. You are worth it.

 

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8 thoughts on “Change of course…How do you win?

  1. weareonebyruth

    Thanks for the Pep talk. I think all of us can use that from time to time. Hoping you find your peace today. I agree too much quiet time can be quite difficult.

    1. You’re welcome, GayeLynn. most of the time if I post it, I’m struggling at that exact point in time, too. If I need a pep-talk, that means there is someone else somewhere who needs it too. Hope weekend is wonderful!

  2. Great post. I notice that I start having triggers when things are too quiet. I have been doing my best to stay busy. I’m going to become super busy over the next several months with working out, finding a job, and creating a side business for myself.

    1. I’m sorry for not responding sooner.. I struggle with triggers when things are still and quiet, as well. It’s definitely entrapping! I have found when my days are busy, the triggers aren’t as strong. Sometimes a thought will creep in, early in the morning, and it’s most always hard to shake. Though if I find a project, the pride I feel when I’m done and see the accomplishment, the trigger and incessant dread don’t seem so strong or as important. I wish you luck in finding a job, and in your new business! I know you will succeed! 😀

  3. What I have learned when dealing with these manipulative, evil, covert, deceptive, pathological lying personalities. Is you must learn; STOP TAKING THE BAIT. They dangle the bait (whatever it may be) and they are methodical and calculated and they want you to respond and redact in an inappropriate manner, so they can turn it around on you and pretend that they are the victim and you are the victimizer. They will paint you in the worst light possible. They vilify the victim (you). You have to learn to not respond and to not take the bait. No matter how tempting it may be. And these people are master manipulators. Lying to the is second nature and comes as easy as breathing. You can’t really win when you are dealing with someone who has no remorse or conscience. And feels no empathy or pain when they see others suffers. Actually they feel accomplished and empowered by causing pain. They seek power and control. And if they are able to emotionally destroy someone, then they feel they have control and power

    1. Thank you for your comment! I’m sorry it’s taken so long to respond. I did read it, and, believe it or not, your comment actually has stayed with me over the last few months. “Stop taking the bait”… so simple, yet so profound. I thought about that, and tried to fit it into those times that I would do just that, “take the bait”. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize it as “bait” in the moment. It’s actually something you have to learn to recognize. For me, it took recognizing the cycle. But in the middle of the most malicious attacks, meant to cause anger and hurt in the moment, it’s still difficult. Your emotions are on high alert, you’re undoubtedly angry at the time, or anxiety is growing. It’s a learned art to go silent, at those times. But it’s also the best response. Going no-contact, and adhering to it, it still the best option, once you realize what you are dealing with.

      You definitely hit the nail on the head, with your comment! Thank you 😀

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