In the title, “change of course” was actually meant to say that I’m changing direction in my posts, for a minute. However, it fits this entry, too. I meant it as a change of direction, initially. If you write it as “Change, of course” with a comma inserted, thusly, it changes the entire meaning of that little itty-bitty 3 word phrase.
Ok, the next half…”How do you win?” Change, of course and in a change of course. Have I confused you, yet? I’m good at that. Bear with me, please. Early new-by’s and semi-seasoned vets (in the wake of Psychological, Narcissistic, Psychopath and Pathological abuse) still battle some things from time to time. This is the only war we will fight that isn’t face to face or hand to hand (I mean after the ending of the relationship). When we leave the toxic relationship, it doesn’t mean the battle is over. Yes, the Narc or Psych will continue his side of the fight through smear campaigns and outright lies. He or she might be vindictive and continue the stalking, in order to stay one step ahead of you. But even this, isn’t what I’m talking about, though in a way it’s included.
In the wake of the abuse, whether that be a few months or a few (or many) years, we still battle the effects of the abuse. *If you have been out of the relationship for a while and you haven’t noticed the inner turmoil subsiding (I don’t mean gone completely), then you are either spinning in place, or have resigned yourself to it. DON’T DO THIS! This means that you lose in the battle, and the abuser WINS!* You are worth more than the ass-hole (male or female) who scrambled you, your confidence and self-worth. You are, in deed and in actuality, ALL COMPLETE HUMAN! That means you have been better than the abuser, from birth. You have ALWAYS BEEN better. Don’t succumb to his or her torture anymore.
Sooo, here we are walking along, doing and saying things that will strengthen us in our daily walk toward wholeness and then all of a sudden, “BAM!” We have a thought that takes us back to the beginning of our battle. For me, this usually happens when I have too much stillness or quiet around me. (like, today) My thoughts go along, willy-nilly, and cause a moment where I am defeated in it. Our thoughts are our own triggers, sometimes. If this happens, turn it around! Take a step or action which combats it. This entry is my step away, by the way, but only as a stepping stone.
I realize that, though I enjoy my days off, they can be counter-productive. My thoughts never EVER stop! I battle the habitual negative thinking, just like any other survivor, from time to time. I started this in the beginning, before I ever met the monster, during my time with him, and now, after my freedom. I’ve been away from him for a year and a half (except those uncontrollable times at work), and I still battle this. The difference, now, vs. the beginning…I realize it! I realize that I don’t have to lose the battle! I realize that I don’t have to be paralyzed by it or succumb to it. I’ve realized it since I left the monster. I’ve battled it daily, since the end of the pseudo-relationship. I recognize a thought creeping in, and shut it down. That doesn’t mean they are gone for good, or that they won’t sneak in unsuspectingly, it just means that I have the tools to shut them down, and OFF, if only just for the moment.
What’s the difference? I don’t settle. I don’t accept this as “the way it is”. I refuse to. I’m better than what I think. I’m better than my past, and I am most DEFINITELY better than the abusers!!
How do we win? Refuse to stay complacent. Refuse to accept less than wonderful thoughts, feelings and things for yourself. He or she will STILL try to keep the fear and negativity fresh in your mind, through their actions while away from you. They know you will hear about it, and count on it to keep your wounds open and raw. Don’t accept it!! This doesn’t mean to seek them out and hurt them, in retaliation. Remember? You are better than that! They aren’t worth the heart-ache or aggravation. They aren’t worth ONE WASTED MOMENT, ON THEM.
This is my own pep-talk, but I do realize that so many others are in the same battle. If being still is what is allowing the negative thoughts to creep up, then get up! Do something productive. Call a friend and encourage them for their day. Wash your car, your house. Take a long shower, and allow the warm water to consume you, and ENJOY IT! When you get out, dress in something that makes you feel beautiful. Do something that makes you feel good. Go for a walk. Anything!!
If the thoughts are REALLY intrusive, on a regular basis…becoming a volunteer for a group that you believe in, is a good way to stay productive toward your OWN healing. I’m actually thinking about volunteering at a local woman’s shelter. We have one that is a lock-down unit for women and children. After a certain time, the gates are locked for each apartment, keeping all inside, safe from attack from an abuser.
The key is to keep moving! Stay POSITIVE! Don’t allow yourself to lose, and the perp to win!! EVER!!!!
You are beautiful. You are strong. You are resourceful.
Find some peace today, in your hearts and minds. You are worth it.