Remember what the whole point of going through each hard step, is. It’s so there isn’t a repeat of our past. I don’t just mean the past with psychological abuse, but anything that caused us to be less than our full potential.
In the wake of a psychologically abusive relationship, we are left trying to first make sense of what we just walked away from. Once we have made peace with that aspect, the next step is rebuilding ourselves. We are just like that new baby, needing to develop and grow new boundaries, etc. We NEED to learn to walk again. This is why it’s so important to avoid getting into another romantic ANYTHING, until we give OURSELVES the chance to build, rebuild and heal!
If you couldn’t tell, this is another pep-talk. Today has been excruciating for me. I don’t know if I could call it my own personal little pity party, but the fact remains that I haven’t been able to pull myself out of it. For the first time since my exodus, I actually felt very discouraged in my own journey. I’ve been discouraged before, but today it has been felt in my core. This is normal and to be expected from time to time. I know this, even if I don’t like it.
I’m not myself, yet. That’s obvious. I’m gaining in areas that I never thought about…ever…until my experience with the Monster. The fact that I’m making gains is something to be proud of, yet I am not seeing growth as quickly as I would like to. The growth is there. Practice makes pseudo-perfect 😀
As much as I need to be reminded, I want to also remind you all…
My personal mantra, every single day:
Breathe in, breathe out
One foot in front of the other.
Never backwards, never stagnant.
Sometimes it’s hard to forge the path if you can’t see through the tears. Our feet know where we are going, even if we don’t. Our psyches know more than we do, as to what we need. The trick is to listen and to trust OURSELVES!
Today was really the first time I’ve cried. I mean, really cried. There have been bitter tears in the past. Tears because of confusion and disbelief. My heart has never cried since running from my X. Even though it was excruciating for me, I believe today was growth, too.
I remember having a hard time being angry over the abuse. Angry because only I knew the truth and accepted it as such. Angry at the abuser for making the decided CHOICE to exploit ME. Angry at myself for allowing it. I was able to find the anger…in spades! I am still being looked at with a slanted eye from others. I hate that look, by the way. It makes me feel so separate from others. So disjointed from friends and co-workers. Triggers have been overwhelming today. Even though I haven’t decidedly stepped into a new direction, or continued in a course of action, I still think today was natural and needed. I haven’t been able to sleep for the past 2 nights. My body has been very restless, and my thoughts have reacted in kind.
If you find yourself here from time to time, in the same place I’ve been in today, don’t listen to the lies your head is telling you. You are still affected some, by the abuser’s input. Don’t give up! You are worth the fight!
The best line I have ever heard was even before meeting my X-monster. It was from the movie, “A Knight’s Tale”. When Mr. Thatcher sent his young son, William, to be a ward of a REAL knight, William asked his father, “How will I find my way back?” His father said, “Don’t be silly, William. You follow your feet.”
When the path back to wholeness and YOURSELF isn’t clear,
Follow your feet. The rest will take care of itself and meet you on your way through.
I wish you all a wonderful night’s rest.