Something I can count on when I go through very difficult days, is that something big is going to come out of it. I should just learn to expect and accept that fact, by now. Nope. All I can seem to do is go into my tail-spin and pray for it to stop, come-what-may. The best way I can think to describe it is, it’s just like the ‘Wizard of Oz’ movie. The tornado comes along, one peaceful day in Kansas, and takes the house with Dorothy and Toto still inside. There is confusion when they land, and some funny looking scenery, but they land in a magical place, called ‘Oz’. The rest of the movie is full of drama, scary flying monkeys and one wicked witch (since Dorothy killed one with her house). Ok, movie memorial is over. My point is, during the tornado, all Dorothy could do is pray for it to stop, fully expecting to die in the storm. During those horrendous battles for me, I am completely useless. All I can do is hang on for dear life, and hope it ends very soon. Something ALWAYS triggers those days. Most times it’s something that isn’t obvious which starts the trigger and effect.
There were no Earth-shattering epiphanies, today, except the quote and picture I shared above. I take lessons from very small things, like a Facebook quote, or a line from a movie. Sometimes it comes in the form of another person’s blog. Such as the 4 word sentence, “My feelings are valid”. I will never forget THAT one! So, as I am well known for, let the Analysis commence!
“Let go of what you can’t change”. I have always tried to do just that, throughout my life. Somewhere along the line, instead of letting it go, I spun around it, tried to beat it into something more tolerable, while falsely believing I was in complete control. That’s a lie that we tell ourselves, when we worry. Instead of accepting it and then letting it go, I got to where I would NEVER be settled with it! What ever “it” might be. I lost sight of that talent, somewhere. I learned early in my adult life, that if you can’t do anything to change something, or if you don’t know what the outcome of a situation will be, you really don’t have anything to worry about. That is, until the facts become clear. It’s a waste of valuable living, and energy when you stew on “what if’s” and “maybe’s”. There is nothing based in reality in those statements. Absolutely NOTHING! So, when we worry about those exact “imaginary” scenarios, we are expending energy that we need in other REAL areas. We do need to be mindful and prepared for any situation that might come up, but to sit and dwell on it, creating our own hell, means that something ELSE isn’t being taken care of in the mean-time. Something that needs our time and attention. That might mean our kids or our friendships that need to be routinely cultivated, and so-on.
The mental scenario, which includes the dialogue which also played over and over, was about something that I can’t really change right now. I’ll do my best to repeat it for you, here. Yeah, I was having a pity-party, but it really was a good thing. “I absolutely hate it when I run into an old friend, or meet someone new, and I have to tell them that I’m not myself..” another one, “If I’m repeatedly asked out by someone, and I have to be honest with them to keep from making them feel horrible. I have to tell them “I’m not ready to pursue anything. I’m still getting over a bad relationship, then they ask about what happened…”… Actually, it’s very simple and normal, I suppose. Still, for some reason it hit me very hard yesterday. I replayed the events surrounding times that I’ve felt the need to let someone in on the “why’s” of refusing a date with them. Especially if that person asks again, after already telling them, “no thank you” the first time. I don’t want them to think there is something wrong with them. Yeah, I feel bad.
I’m really tired of having to play that out, over and over. I’m tired of the fact that I’m not past everything. I’m tired of being looked at with pity, or like I’m crazy. The slant-eyed look is one I’ve grown to loathe.
I got onto Facebook right after getting home, and found the quote above. Since this particular scenario is one that is at the fore-front, it’s the one I started picking apart. Can I change it? Yes. Can I change it immediately? More than likely. Why don’t I? Fear…SOOO much fear… Here’s that friggen thing that has plagued me since the beginning of this healing process of mine, that has become my nemesis. Everything that directs my steps, begins with fear and then comes out of being tired of it!
I remember who I was before meeting that poopy-cranium. I was NEVER afraid of going out with friends. I was always free to have fun, and be myself. It was never overshadowed by the effects of recent, severe psychological abuse. I embarrassed myself, regularly, just because I’m a natural goof-ball. I’m a fun-loving person, who isn’t afraid to be a dork around friends.
I walked away from a toxic relationship and potentially (more than likely) dangerous situation. The slime pit totally psychologically raped me. It happened. I can’t change that fact. However, I CAN change how I react to it.
Do I want to be a prisoner to fear? No! Do I want to repeat the abuse to others, so they understand me better? No. All that does is makes me feel more uneasy and afraid to be myself. It makes the triggers that I fight with that much stronger and harder to get away from. Not only do I have the triggers, but after I express it to another, makes me even more aware of how different I appear to others. It makes the effects, WORSE! Does this make any sense at all?
I’m not responsible for how another feels. I don’t need to go into any explanations for a person’s crushed ego. If they have a crushed ego because I said, “no”, then they have a problem with self-esteem and insecurity. I don’t need that person in my life, anyway.
I can’t change what has happened to me, around me, and because of me. I fight the effects daily. I don’t have to tell someone about it, in the hopes that they will feel better about themselves! Really!!
If I want to let it go, then I have GOT to let it go!