Learn to let go of what you can’t change…



Something I can count on when I go through very difficult days, is that something big is going to come out of it. I should just learn to expect and accept that fact, by now. Nope. All I can seem to do is go into my tail-spin and pray for it to stop, come-what-may. The best way I can think to describe it is, it’s just like the ‘Wizard of Oz’ movie. The tornado comes along, one peaceful day in Kansas, and takes the house with Dorothy and Toto still inside. There is confusion when they land, and some funny looking scenery, but they land in a magical place, called ‘Oz’. The rest of the movie is full of drama, scary flying monkeys and one wicked witch (since Dorothy killed one with her house). Ok, movie memorial is over. My point is, during the tornado, all Dorothy could do is pray for it to stop, fully expecting to die in the storm. During those horrendous battles for me, I am completely useless. All I can do is hang on for dear life, and hope it ends very soon. Something ALWAYS triggers those days. Most times it’s something that isn’t obvious which starts the trigger and effect.

There were no Earth-shattering epiphanies, today, except the quote and picture I shared above. I take lessons from very small things, like a Facebook quote, or a line from a movie. Sometimes it comes in the form of another person’s blog. Such as the 4 word sentence, “My feelings are valid”. I will never forget THAT one! So, as I am well known for, let the Analysis commence!

“Let go of what you can’t change”. I have always tried to do just that, throughout my life. Somewhere along the line, instead of letting it go, I spun around it, tried to beat it into something more tolerable, while falsely believing I was in complete control. That’s a lie that we tell ourselves, when we worry. Instead of accepting it and then letting it go, I got to where I would NEVER be settled with it! What ever “it” might be. I lost sight of that talent, somewhere. I learned early in my adult life, that if you can’t do anything to change something, or if you don’t know what the outcome of a situation will be, you really don’t have anything to worry about. That is, until the facts become clear. It’s a waste of valuable living, and energy when you stew on “what if’s” and “maybe’s”. There is nothing based in reality in those statements. Absolutely NOTHING! So, when we worry about those exact “imaginary” scenarios, we are expending energy that we need in other REAL areas. We do need to be mindful and prepared for any situation that might come up, but to sit and dwell on it, creating our own hell, means that something ELSE isn’t being taken care of in the mean-time. Something that needs our time and attention. That might mean our kids or our friendships that need to be routinely cultivated, and so-on.

The mental scenario, which includes the dialogue which also played over and over, was about something that I can’t really change right now. I’ll do my best to repeat it for you, here. Yeah, I was having a pity-party, but it really was a good thing. “I absolutely hate it when I run into an old friend, or meet someone new, and I have to tell them that I’m not myself..” another one, “If I’m repeatedly asked out by someone, and I have to be honest with them to keep from making them feel horrible. I have to tell them “I’m not ready to pursue anything. I’m still getting over a bad relationship, then they ask about what happened…”… Actually, it’s very simple and normal, I suppose. Still, for some reason it hit me very hard yesterday. I replayed the events surrounding times that I’ve felt the need to let someone in on the “why’s” of refusing a date with them. Especially if that person asks again, after already telling them, “no thank you” the first time. I don’t want them to think there is something wrong with them. Yeah, I feel bad.

I’m really tired of having to play that out, over and over. I’m tired of the fact that I’m not past everything. I’m tired of being looked at with pity, or like I’m crazy. The slant-eyed look is one I’ve grown to loathe.

I got onto Facebook right after getting home, and found the quote above. Since this particular scenario is one that is at the fore-front, it’s the one I started picking apart. Can I change it? Yes. Can I change it immediately? More than likely. Why don’t I? Fear…SOOO much fear… Here’s that friggen thing that has plagued me since the beginning of this healing process of mine, that has become my nemesis. Everything that directs my steps, begins with fear and then comes out of being tired of it!

I remember who I was before meeting that poopy-cranium. I was NEVER afraid of going out with friends. I was always free to have fun, and be myself. It was never overshadowed by the effects of recent, severe psychological abuse. I embarrassed myself, regularly, just because I’m a natural goof-ball. I’m a fun-loving person, who isn’t afraid to be a dork around friends.

I walked away from a toxic relationship and potentially (more than likely) dangerous situation. The slime pit totally psychologically raped me. It happened. I can’t change that fact. However, I CAN change how I react to it.

Do I want to be a prisoner to fear? No! Do I want to repeat the abuse to others, so they understand me better? No. All that does is makes me feel more uneasy and afraid to be myself. It makes the triggers that I fight with that much stronger and harder to get away from. Not only do I have the triggers, but after I express it to another, makes me even more aware of how different I appear to others. It makes the effects, WORSE! Does this make any sense at all?

I’m not responsible for how another feels. I don’t need to go into any explanations for a person’s crushed ego. If they have a crushed ego because I said, “no”, then they have a problem with self-esteem and insecurity. I don’t need that person in my life, anyway.

I can’t change what has happened to me, around me, and because of me. I fight the effects daily. I don’t have to tell someone about it, in the hopes that they will feel better about themselves! Really!!

If I want to let it go, then I have GOT to let it go!


8 thoughts on “Learn to let go of what you can’t change…

  1. weareonebyruth

    Sounds like a jump from victim to survivor an onward to thriving. I like the quote, “You can’t hold something new when you are still holding on to your past.” It helped me to think about wanting something different so I have to let go of my past to grasp hold of the future.

    1. “You can’t hold something new when you are still holding on to your past.” Wow! That’s something very profound, there! But, so very true. Survivors (I’m talking about myself, mostly, here) are, in deed, survivors but still with a coating of “victim” until they shake off the world, and shake themselves into mobility again. I’ve been working through some difficult areas that I’ve discovered recently. I won’t ever find my way through the briar patch until I shake off that albatross, hanging around my neck. (My dad’s analogy). The albatross doesn’t even have to physically be with you, to still affect you. As long as we cling to the old, regardless of the reason, we won’t be able to move on. Healing is a day to day fight, but we can’t heal the wounds that we are continuously reopening. I HATE LIFE’S LITTLE LESSONS~!! Just sayin 😀

  2. woundedphoenix

    Thanks for this post. We all need reminding to not stay in that place, otherwise we are just abuse ourselves over and over again…

    1. I am a firm believer that each step and phase can’t happen or begin without the previous one, finishing out its course. Once we are sick and tired of being “sick and tired” (as the saying goes), then we are able to take the next step. If we still adhere to the abuse other than just recognizing that it happened (like me, feeling like I needed people to understand the “why’s” behind some of my fears and telling my story again) then we unwittingly reopen partially healed (or fully) wounds. I’ve finally gotten to that point. I thought I was already “there”. Nope, I was only on the tip. I had to get to the point that I’m absolutely sick of feeling the need to tell my “story” again. Sick of being affected by that time, that I would even have to go through any of it. I’m not “finished” yet. Not by a long-shot! I think my phases of fear have been replaced by the emotional “spins”, which include many tears, feeling (or being) isolated, and endless tormentuous internal analysis. I’d rather go play mini golf!

  3. I read a book on surviving abuse (one of many) and remember one lesson vividly: You have to reach the point where you can say, “Yeah, it happened. So what?” In many respects I’ve reached that point. I also had to learn that just because I’d reached that point didn’t mean someone listening could feel the same way. Matter-of-factly sharing bits of my life has caused a few friends to burst into tears. I’ve had to learn to temper what I say, but a lot of stuff has become, “Yeah, so what?” I didn’t stay there. You are doing great.

    1. I’m almost there, I think. In a few ways I’m already there (I think). I think it would be detrimental to newby’s to search for help and find something that says “If you are still feeling the effects of the abuse or living in pain, then you aren’t doing it right”. I worry that my entries will find someone freshly out of a painful, horrifying and toxic relationship, and will hurt them instead of help. What I say, I know will help one person, while another will be hurt by it. I can only do my best in that regard. I’m debating on re vamping my blog into pages, chronologically. Maybe that will help end some confusion for new survivors, who are just out of their abusive relationships, vs the others who have been out for at least a year, and can handle the tougher steps and realizations.

      1. Regarding still feeling the pain: Goodness, no! I think that’s been some of the most damaging advice I’ve ever received: “If you were doing it right, then you’d already be to ‘this’ point.” I almost gave up. I had to accept that my schedule of recovery was not determined by anyone but me and God. If He was willing to take each slow step with me, then no one else had the right to tell me I was doing it wrong. Do I wish I could have done it faster? Definitely, but “if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” I’m not sure putting your posts in chronological order would help. Because sometimes the posts are based in 20/20 hindsight. Maybe a page with a timeline and referencing to dates… Just an idea.

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