Pride goeth before the fall…

This isn’t a “woe as me” post, though it’s going to sound like one.

I’m beginning to believe that our healing comes in cycles (at least mine seems to do that). We begin the process with the realization that “something” isn’t right about our chosen partner, or our relationship with them. We research everything, trying to find a name for the beast. Once we have found some peace, we move forward, becoming stronger day by day. We are able to find some pride in ourselves. All of a sudden, we are thrust back to almost the beginning, where we continue to try to understand WHY we are HERE again. It goes like this, over and over. The cycle, spirals upward, never completely falling to the depths of where we started, though it’s painful to fall, no matter the distance. I believe we fall, not because we are clinging onto the ‘victim’ mindset, but because there are unresolved issues that are screaming to be dealt with. Until we learn what they are or they show themselves, we will continue to fall until we learn to combat them. At least, this is my theory. I don’t know if I’m right. This is another theory: It could also be that I truly am completely losing control, and I don’t want to accept that.

I’m battle-weary. This past week, after my latest tale-spin, I find that I have yet to come completely out of it, as I normally do with a new understanding and epiphany. I came to an understanding which I believe in, 100%.

I’ve been keeping from talking about my experiences with my X, yet it isn’t silent. For instance; I was driving yesterday and passed a gruesome looking man, walking down the street. One of the areas I drive through, regularly, is something I call, “Hooker Haven”. There are always throngs of men standing on empty street corners, waiting for their favorite ‘hooker-de-jour’, to come back from her latest outing. The man I passed was walking to his “hangout”. He looked at me as I passed him, with that same old nasty look, like someone on the prowl. I swear I saw a bit of drool dripping from his chin. Yeah, it was repulsive to me. More than that, though, it made me want to hide. He looked at me like meat to someone who hadn’t eaten in days.

I’ve never been able to stand the repulsiveness of that scenario. Now, however, it’s met with fear. I understand that this is a direct result of my experience with my own predator.

I get done with my run, and then try to appear “normal” to others around me. This is impossible, since I had just experienced something that brought fear to me. I feel off and awkward around co-workers as a result.

Being a delivery person again, is also a trigger. I’m afraid to pick up the radio for anyone other than the dispatcher. My X used this avenue to torment me, too. He did it daily and several times a day. Sometimes all day long. I was afraid to talk to him, and afraid NOT to talk to him, fearing the inevitable onslaught that would surely come. It did anyway.

I’m ready for the upward spiral, now. This shit is bogus!


12 thoughts on “Pride goeth before the fall…

  1. Your predator radar has been fine tuned. You not only recognize one, but you know what they are capable of doing. You’ll never go back to how you were. You WILL figure out how to live happily now.

    1. True, Judy. My ‘radar’ has definitely been fine-tuned. Every day is a learning experience, or a learning curve. I’m confident that this too, shall pass. I just want it to pass a lot faster!

  2. Look, healing is a process this wasn’t a ‘normal’ situation, it will take some time. I wouldn’t beat myself up too much over the ‘rumination’ bit it happens and the stressing over it only exacerbates the anxiety, it is what it is. Rumination does serve to keep one stuck but there is a distinction between the early part of healing and people two and three years out still ruminating. I don’t think you’re in that club. Be kind and gentle with yourself…it will pass and you will heal…take it day by day, moment by moment 😉 I found this article in sharing something else with someone else who is new…thought it might help some in terms of validating that no, rumination should not be a ‘lifestyle’ but very much part of the process. Sending good vibes for peace, serenity and contentment…

    1. Thank you for this, Betty. Also, thank you for the link. It is most helpful! I think there is a fine line between ruminating, and self-analysis. A very fine line. I have said in the past that I am a prisoner to introspection and extrospection. The combination of the two can appear to be rumination, and also can show itself to be that, also. The truth behind which one is at the forefront, I believe, is in the growth attained, or at least sought after. Rumination, after some indeterminate amount of time, should start changing from “stuck” to “growth”. There are days that the growth I have seen and attained, seem to falter, until another page has been turned. That’s the best analogy I have. It’s lacking. I trust that this is a passing phase. I may need to get some help to get past this part. It seems that I am still a little weak-kneed.

      1. You write with great insight and clarity…I think know that you can articulate you’d find greater ability to heal if you elected to seek outside professional support. The inability to articulate is what I think works against most in the early stages but now that you have a handle on it you may find you could really dig in and explore with someone competent. The one sound piece of advice I got was “Trust the process” I think you’d find the closure at this point because you will better be able to steer the ship with the knowledge you’ve gained. I wish you well in this…nothing from what you’re sharing seems off course…<3

  3. A Spirit of Healing

    Hi dear thank you so much for sharing this. Besides being abused I also went through a violent relationship so I know a bit where you are coming from. And I have also experienced the spiral thing. Things that are not dealt with come back with vigor I suspect :-).
    But for me it also was like this: When it felt the worse, when I had so much enough of the whole sh… that it hurt and never seemed to end ~ then I was at a breaking point and had learned it or was close to. That thought has helped me along a lot of times. Take care

    1. Thank you for your comment. I agree that many times if not all, the spirals come prior to something breaking in my own healing process. I’m slowly learning that fact. I’m coming to expect it when another spiral hits. We don’t have to like them, but it’s beginning to show signs of further growth. We can’t sow seeds of wellness, without breaking up old, hard ground first.

      1. A Spirit of Healing

        And working on that hard ground hurst so much ~ but when we worked hard what we receive weighs much more. It is worth it no matter what!

  4. woundedphoenix

    I can relate. I have just come out of my downward spirals. Luckily it only lasted a week. I find myself anxious when I spiral because I feel like I am wasting even more of my life on my abusers, but I guess the secret is to just let it be. Every time it happens we learn something new, we grow stronger, more enlightened and with every post we share, we help someone give insight into their struggle.

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