This isn’t a “woe as me” post, though it’s going to sound like one.
I’m beginning to believe that our healing comes in cycles (at least mine seems to do that). We begin the process with the realization that “something” isn’t right about our chosen partner, or our relationship with them. We research everything, trying to find a name for the beast. Once we have found some peace, we move forward, becoming stronger day by day. We are able to find some pride in ourselves. All of a sudden, we are thrust back to almost the beginning, where we continue to try to understand WHY we are HERE again. It goes like this, over and over. The cycle, spirals upward, never completely falling to the depths of where we started, though it’s painful to fall, no matter the distance. I believe we fall, not because we are clinging onto the ‘victim’ mindset, but because there are unresolved issues that are screaming to be dealt with. Until we learn what they are or they show themselves, we will continue to fall until we learn to combat them. At least, this is my theory. I don’t know if I’m right. This is another theory: It could also be that I truly am completely losing control, and I don’t want to accept that.
I’m battle-weary. This past week, after my latest tale-spin, I find that I have yet to come completely out of it, as I normally do with a new understanding and epiphany. I came to an understanding which I believe in, 100%.
I’ve been keeping from talking about my experiences with my X, yet it isn’t silent. For instance; I was driving yesterday and passed a gruesome looking man, walking down the street. One of the areas I drive through, regularly, is something I call, “Hooker Haven”. There are always throngs of men standing on empty street corners, waiting for their favorite ‘hooker-de-jour’, to come back from her latest outing. The man I passed was walking to his “hangout”. He looked at me as I passed him, with that same old nasty look, like someone on the prowl. I swear I saw a bit of drool dripping from his chin. Yeah, it was repulsive to me. More than that, though, it made me want to hide. He looked at me like meat to someone who hadn’t eaten in days.
I’ve never been able to stand the repulsiveness of that scenario. Now, however, it’s met with fear. I understand that this is a direct result of my experience with my own predator.
I get done with my run, and then try to appear “normal” to others around me. This is impossible, since I had just experienced something that brought fear to me. I feel off and awkward around co-workers as a result.
Being a delivery person again, is also a trigger. I’m afraid to pick up the radio for anyone other than the dispatcher. My X used this avenue to torment me, too. He did it daily and several times a day. Sometimes all day long. I was afraid to talk to him, and afraid NOT to talk to him, fearing the inevitable onslaught that would surely come. It did anyway.
I’m ready for the upward spiral, now. This shit is bogus!