Yeah, you read that right. “spontaneous healing”. Contrary to popular opinion from others who haven’t lived through it… SPONTANEOUS HEALING DOES NOT EXIST!
Our closest friends, who have never been where we have been, will say something like, “How long has it been since you have been away from him?” and “Don’t you think you should be getting past this by now?” It’s the same old proverbial sideways look and statement, “Why don’t you just get OVER IT?” They might say it with love for you, their friend. They want to see you happy. That’s nothing to be upset about. Those people have your best interests at heart, and always will. The fact remains that, since they have never lived through what you have, (during the hell with a psychological abuser) they can’t understand why you are still guarded. They can’t understand the person you describe, or the manner of abuse that you were subjected to. “At least ‘he’ didn’t hit you.” Honestly, I would have rather he hit me, instead of the chosen method of abuse.
Those wonderful friends try to see “both sides” of the situation you were in, and incorrectly think, “You could have hurt him without knowing.” or, “It sounds like ‘he’ has been hurt in the past.” It’s the same old shit I used to feed myself when I dealt with ANY OTHER abusive relationship in my past. It’s this line of thinking that always kept me trapped. Your friend, being unable to see past the humanity that they believe is in everyone, (as I once did as well) thinks that you have all but lost your mind as you talk to them about the individual who has no conscience, no empathy or remorse, and a complete inability to feel emotion or understand anyone who does. As a survivor, I can’t begin to tell you how painful this is to hear from your closest friends. They truly don’t mean to hurt or upset you. They are only trying to help you the best way they know how.
You can’t compare a person who has poor self-control, someone who lashes out at you or hits out of anger and yet is STILL HUMAN, to the Psychopath. There is no comparison. One is human, with human traits but has a lack of self-control, or is just a plain old ass-hole. The other is a psychopath and fits none of these things. The psychopath does what he/she does, just because it’s fun for them. They enjoy seeing their victim writhing in pain (whether physical, emotional or psychological), and soak up the knowedge that they alone, caused it. They caused lasting damage.
The battle, once we are free from the abuser, is to heal from the abuse. There’s a lot to heal from. The hardest of all is “unlearning” the new conditioning that the psychopath has laid out to perfectly, in your psyche. At least, that’s the thing I see as the hardest to get past. Though, I am only just grazing the surface of the effects for myself, right now. We also MUST fight to learn the hard things about ourselves and the way we dealt with every relationship, and how we actually enabled the abuser to abuse us. We didn’t love or trust ourselves enough to LISTEN to the internal warnings we were given. We must learn about the hard things, then work HARD to change those things about ourselves. It isn’t just because we have to, in order to live free and whole from now on, but because we are WORTH IT! We deserve all things GOOD in our lives. We deserve to be treated like we matter, and deserve to stop mistreatment towards us, from others. It’s because we DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!
My job has changed at work. I’m no longer where I am surrounded by people, or able to interact with them. I’m back in a delivery vehicle. I’m not doing very well as a result. Just doing deliveries again, is a trigger for me. As long as I am able to drive one with a radio, it can be tolerable. Without a radio, I am left to my own thoughts, and being hyper-aware of every trigger I have.
I didn’t know there were so many. Several are new and just showing themselves.
I wanted to tell my friend about this, but chose not to. It just doesn’t matter.
The illusion of “spontaneous healing” is a wonderful fairy tale. I wish it was something I could just accept and move on. As things stand, I have to fight and keep on fighting.
Now the new triggers, which bring out more fear in me than I knew I had. I feel like I’m losing complete control, and don’t know how to stop it. No place is safe, right now.
Spontaneous healing. I wish it existed. Believe me!