FOR THE SEASONED SURVIVOR: The decision to change needs to be focused on you.

A while ago, projectwhitespace (http://projectwhitespace.com) asked me to list the process of healing, chronologically. I still plan to do that, but it will take a some thought and recollection of events and stages. At this point, I believe I am closer than ever to the end of the process. However, I don’t think the “process” will be completely over, ever. That’s not to say I am defeated in the least.

I have struggled, strong-armed and analyzed my way throughout the process. Some things have worked and others…well…just didn’t! I must say, though, I NEVER want to go through any of that, ever again! Once is enough for me to learn my lessons. Learning is one thing. Putting them into practice is something completely different. It means you have to step out of everything you have ever been and live a new, different life. It means that you have to choose to live differently, with different boundaries and learning how to respect yourself in order to insist those boundaries NEVER be crossed again. The reasons you choose, have to be the right ones in order to succeed.

If you choose to make those necessary changes, due to the hatred you have toward the abuser, then you will find your steps will be that much harder. If you do it because of “hatred” or even because of your desire to never live through the abuse again, the chances of failing are greater. The chances that you will fall into the same old patterns, later, are that much higher.

You see, if you make the changes with hatred being the power behind the decisions, then your whole focus is on the abuser and not yourself. It’s the same with the decision based on the desire to never be abused again. Your focus is on your pain, experiences and yes, the abuser him/herself. The abuser doesn’t deserve any more of YOU! That includes time spent focusing on the abuse and even explaining yourself to others, and why you are so guarded. The explanations and need to express them, will be dealt with in another post, as I think it’s an important topic for survivors.

Your focus in the process of making better, healthier choices, needs to surround YOU, what is best for you and so on, not because of the hatred or fear surrounding potential of another abusive situation, but because you DESERVE TO LIVE healthier! You deserve a better life. After all, the reason you are healing is because you LOVE yourself! You need to change out of love for yourself, and belief that “better” and “healthier” is your calling in life.

Take your mind off the abuse and the abuser. Don’t talk about it anymore, unless there is another survivor you are needing to help. As for the rest of the world, it’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! I mean, explaining the whys and what-fors of everything regarding who you are, and why. Yes, we need to bring awareness. YES we need to be there for others. But as to someone else critiquing who you are or your life, now… They need to find another conversation topic, or you can redirect it. You are so much better and that type of thing just keeps you stuck. This, in itself, needs to become a new boundary for you. You are better than your past, and they need to see it. Really, the only one who matters, is you. You are what is important, now.

When the time comes, you will be able to find the desire to put off the old, and make room for everything NEW and BEAUTIFUL!

I was finding this to be pretty difficult for me. Then came Rudy, the new addition to my home. He’s helping me stay busy, for his own benefit. It’s keeping my mind off the past, and able to move forward. I’m being challenged to help another in need. He’s anxious and fearful regarding car rides. He’s bitten others due to that fear. I need to help him with this, and quell the fear. The best way to do this, is hard to choose.

For you, having a dog may or may not be the right direction to take. A hobby is a good way, but make sure it’s an active one. Start making it a habit to go for long, early morning walks. Anything to be PRODUCTIVE!

I strongly recommend that, when you find yourself deciding to make difficult changes, first make sure your focus behind the change is the right one. Yourself. Period. Next, get busy! Stop talking about the painful things that you have so painstakingly been fighting to get past. Focus on becoming a healthier liver!

Have a wonderful day, today! See how long you can go without talking or thinking about what “is wrong with you” or that “others don’t understand”. No more abuse talk, unless it’s truly necessary! There is much more around you and the world. Beautiful topics. Uplifting to yourself and others.

Strength and peace!!

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5 thoughts on “FOR THE SEASONED SURVIVOR: The decision to change needs to be focused on you.

    1. There is a time, early on, that I think it’s necessary to allow ourselves to be angry, bitter, etc. and if that is the driving force behind our steps to gaining ourselves back, then that is a good tool…at the time. I started that way and stayed that way for months. I hated what was left of me and his voice. It’s a progression. As your healing continues, your focus will too. There will come a day that he’s just not important anymore. I was having a tough time making the transition from focusing on the abuse and abuser, to focusing on myself. It took me over a year to finally get to that point. Actually, I was all but totally confused for almost the entire first year, without hate for him as a “person”. I WAS very bitter, however. I wanted to hate him, and was totally afraid of him. I didn’t see him as human, so I wasn’t able to hate him AS a human. I was able to, later on. Each step is necessary, at it’s time. Don’t flog yourself for hating the guy. You need it to heal, just as much as the transition away from the bitterness later on. I thought I was focusing on me early on. In a way, I was…but later I realized I wasn’t. Not really. I looked into his eyes figuratively, and ran the other way. Without the fear and bitterness at the time, I wouldn’t have moved a step. I’m stronger on my own now, without the fear guiding my steps. I am able to do and be so much more. It’s ok to be angry and bitter. It’s ok to mourn your life, your marriage, etc. It’s ok to cry. it’s ok to cuss him out (figuratively). it’s ok and necessary. It’s ok to question where you stand now. After you get to a place of peace and acceptance, you will find your steps easier. it’s a difficult road, but you are strong! you have proven that.

      One day at a time. One step at a time. Breathe in, breathe out…”

      1. I really do feel hate for him. I haven’t thought of him as a person in so long. I think he’s a pathetic bastard who deserves to spend the rest of his life rotting away alone. I know it’s a process and I’m really only in the beginning stage. I know I need to go through it and really feel each step so I can come through on the other side…it’s just so hard some days.

        1. Oh, I agree wholeheartedly about how hard it is! The process…you have to go through one stage in order to be ready for the next. If you (or I) try to handle a stage too early, I don’t believe it would work. I don’t think we’d be ready to handle each step that it would entail, without going through the purging and hatred, or the mourning, first. I hate how difficult things are. But I’m grateful for what comes out. The thing that helped me finally hate my X, is that I understood each decision he made, each gas-lighting lie and manipulation he did, was calculated. He knew it was wrong, but he CHOSE to hurt me. Now i have a whole new hatred for the changeling. One I never knew existed.

          1. I think I’m done mourning. It’s hard to mourn something that never was. I go back and forth. Nothing can prepare you for this range of emotions. It makes you so angry when you realize they chose to do and say the things they did. They are really sick and twisted people!

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