Fear of anger, negativity and confrontation.

Just off the cuff, I hate trying to come up with a catchy title for each entry. I suck at it.  Just saying.

Sooo…learning. I hate learning and change. I always have. I’m the one who loves my little comfort zone, good or bad, and have always had the tendency to protect it like my own family. It’s taken me 40+ years to learn that staying in ANY comfort zone is not productive. It’s harmful, destructive and paralyzing. If you are in a seemingly good comfort zone, where everything is done just “so”, you are taken care of and at the very least, content, it’s still harmful to you. It’s harmful to those around you that would benefit from the wisdom you would, otherwise, have. For me, it’s easier to stay in whatever I’m used to. To go beyond that requires taking a step into the unknown. As you probably remember from previous posts…that terrifies me. It’s easier to stay in whatever situation you’re in, right? Even the bad, abusive situations? Lets get into this one a little deeper.

Taking a step back in the past…back to the beginning of your life with your abuser. What was the number one thing he/she did? Tested you for weaknesses. Those that he or she could use to gain an advantage over you. Something to exploit and use to keep you trapped. Can you remember what that one thing was? Hind sight will usually make that one perfectly clear for you. If you are still in the middle of an abusive situation, take a quiet moment and use it to reflect…glean knowledge from that time. Introspect. Can you see it? Can you recall? I sure can. Mine used a situation with an ex boyfriend, to find my Achilles heel. Mine was an excruciating fear of anger, negativity and confrontation. He discovered that if he confronted me, using anger to do it, I would cower. Especially if he changed his tone moments later, to a calmer more understanding one. He discovered my tendency to cave due to guilt. There was no reason for me to feel guilty. He upset me. He changed his tone, then I would cave in and feel guilty for feeling upset by his unreasonable attack. This became a fun game for him. He used it to keep me off-balance. To keep me second guessing myself and my own emotions. He used it to try to drive me, literally,  crazy. Just that phrase is unbelievable to me. Even more unbelievable is how easily done it really was. The most unbelievable? I was completely aware.

As excruciating as my experience was, I was stuck. Not by ignorance of events or even his tactics. I was stuck by my own fear of negative emotion. This was nothing new for me. I’ve always been afraid of just that. Every abusive situation I would ever find myself in was fueled by that particular fear. I would stay in that situation, letting myself be mistreated, exploited, used and abused, because that was my own personal comfort zone. Not to mention, a terrible one. I wasn’t necessarily comfortable in that fear. I was never comfortable in those situations, but it was better to stay stuck than face that looming attack if I were to stand up for myself. It was easier for me, even at the expense of my own shaky version of sanity.

Thinking back, it’s actually hard to see any area of my life that wasn’t dictated by that particular fear… Clothes shopping. Relationships. Daily life at home. Life at school. Friendships. Doing something nice for others. My parents. There isn’t one area that I ever confidently said, “I don’t want to do ‘that'”,  “please don’t talk to me like that” or “no thank you”. How about the one where you should express your own wants and needs? “I would rather…”

I understand how difficult it is to retrain yourself. I understand the amount of conditioning that goes into that paralyzing fear. Conditioning. For some it’s a type of PTSD, that lingers throughout life. You allow horrible things, to avoid being afraid or uncomfortable. I know this. I do understand. For me, this includes clothes shopping. I still have clothes that are 20+ years old, because to go clothes shopping means I will become irritable inside of 5 minutes, and all but run out of the store, not buying a single solitary thing. I would rather not. Ever.

Where are your comfort zones? Why are they there? Where is the negative conditioning, which allows (or forces) you to stay stuck in any situation? I know the mental dialogue associated with that. You know what you need, but you settle to go without.  You know the life you WANT, yet to allow for the good you have to face the bad. To face it brings insurmountable fear. Instead of facing it, standing for what YOU need, you settle. You stay trapped. You remain victimized because of it.

It’s time to grow, dear one. It’s time to step. It’s time to realize and accept that you are better than what you settle for. Even when you choose to stay, to avoid whatever negative would come should you stand up for yourself, you are still afraid. You are still anxious. It isn’t better than the alternative, is it?

What do you have to lose? Your life is what YOU make it! It’s time to make it. Entirely.



It’ll Wash

I remember life as a young wife, with young kids and a husband who really didn’t give a damn. I

Life is a precious gift. Don't waste it being ...
Life is a precious gift. Don’t waste it being unhappy, dissatisfied, or anything else you can be (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

was determined to be the perfect wife, Mommy, cook, hostess, baker and maid that I could possibly be. I was determined to be the personification of the Domesticated Housewife. I said domesticated for a reason… The tamed wild beast called “woman”, after the male’s influence and intervention, is “domesticated” much like any other animal. That’s the way several men view women in general. It still brings me to tears.. It’s what I believed my calling was. After all, wasn’t that every woman’s calling? I know that is so way off base for any normal girl. Most girls set out to see their dreams come true, and to anyone who would stand in her way?? Hell hath no fury as a woman blocked from what she wants! Except me. My dream was to serve. Seriously. My dream was to achieve absolute perfection, from the domestic view-point. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted my husband to be happy and proud of me, too.

Didn’t happen.


“Hell hath no fury as a woman…”

With each day that passed, it became more and more apparent that my husband wasn’t happy with me, other than as a servant. I wanted him to be IN love with me, which he never was. That  was reserved for my best friend, who lived down the road. It was reserved for the younger girls who he worked with in our church’s drama group. It was reserved for every one else but me. This produced a drive in me that wasn’t a good one. I worked harder and more furiously. He would leave his week-old socks (he wore them for a week) in the middle of the living room after I cleaned it, expecting me to pick them up. I asked him to “Please put them in the laundry” and his response was the same as any other chauvinistic jack-ass…”I work all day, while you do nothing. I think it’s only fair…” This included yard work, spending time with us as a family and so on. Ok…I sense a tangent brewing. Moving on…

The harder I worked, perfectly timing everything in the house, the more demanding and gestapo-ish I became, and the more my husband viewed me as a tool. Everything was done in the house by 9am. The shades wouldn’t open until then, because I didn’t want anyone to see my house as a mess. My kids would be kids, leaving toys around. My year-old daughter would tip her bottle, just to see it drip. Cute, right?  I panicked. If I left a butter knife in the sink, unwashed and undone, I would freak. If my ex left anything out of place, I would freak. Get the picture? In my exuberance to be the perfect “whatever”, I was creating an absolute hell for myself, my family and especially my beautiful babies. In feeling like a failure in every area, quickly fighting to become something for others to be proud of, I was becoming a type of monster. I called this phase my “cleaning frenzy”. It wasn’t fun for anyone. The difference is that I recognized it. I’ve always been a prisoner to introspection and extrospection.

020My then 18 month old daughter would spill something, as normal babies and children do. I didn’t want to freak out in any way, so I handed her a towel and showed her how to clean up her own messes. Of course it wasn’t perfect. She missed a little here and there. I learned to breathe deeply, saying to myself, “It’ll wash”. This brought a sense of peace to my heart, strange as it might be. As the years have gone by, I’m not nearly as uptight about my house being spotless. I like it clean, don’t get me wrong, but I recognize that other things in life are more important. I’m ok with that to the point that I can border on being a slob! lol! I’m a housewife by nature. I’m a giver and server by nature. I honestly don’t know where I picked that up, but to serve makes me happy. Like I am making a difference for someone else.

I also recognize that try as I might, I will never be perfect. I have shortcomings. I do stupid things and make stupid decisions without thinking them through.

On the days that i find myself getting down on myself for not doing something “good enough”, my automatic response is, “It’ll wash”.

The peace that the phrase brings, is the good thing about it. There is a bad thing, too. Life is constantly fighting to hold a balance to all things. All life. All of nature. For anything good that happens, there will be something bad. For every action, there must be an equal and opposite reaction. It’s a law of physics and a law of nature. Ok..now that I’ve thoroughly confused you all 🙂 …

“It’ll wash”.. what that does in the negative spectrum, is allows you to push away anything negative. If the normal reaction is to get upset about something, taking a deep breath and allowing yourself to resign to, “It’ll wash” allows you to dissociate from that thing, situation or what-have-you. The bad part is in the dissociation. Left out of balance, that breeds the belief that your feelings are invalid. That situations will go away without any intervention from you. In my case, it reaffirmed what I had always been taught. I further solidified that belief. that type of life. Not good.

Left unchecked, you will find yourself further pushing anything negative away. “It’ll wash” will cause you to keep from dealing with what needs to be dealt with. Devalue. Discard. Dissociate. You put yourself in a realm of resignation. Something that becomes habitual over time, which keeps you from living. From experiencing life. From allowing yourself to grow.

There’s a place for that phrase to become a part of your thinking process. There are also places that it should be the LAST thing you resort to.

“It’ll wash”. When the house is a mess, with your kids’ toys all over the place. Lawn needs mowing, dishes need to be done, etc. etc. etc. and your toddler comes to you with a picture he/she drew. When your best friend is having a bad day. When life over-rides the mess. “It’ll wash” will allow you to keep everything in a healthy perspective for the moment. It’s in the moment that we produce lasting memories. Never something planned, and always something spontaneous.

Keep that from permeating every area of your life. Life still needs to be dealt with. However, when it’s something that you can’t change. Something that you are unable to handle for the moment, “It’ll wash” will give you that peace you need in the moment.

Take the time that your family needs to know you love and care about them…more than the house…more than work (when you are able to). Take that moment. It could mean their life, later on. It could be the deciding factor that tells your kids that they are precious to you.

It’s all in the perspective.

For the moment.

Being tested…

This is to assure you that in all of your successes to change and affirm boundaries, you will be tested for your response to challenge. I can’t promise the outcome won’t be painful, but in choosing the correct direction and step, you will find strength and pride in yourself.

Don’t quit. Don’t lose heart. Keep going.

One day at a time, one step at a time…

Breathe in, breathe out…





It’s important to clear the path on your way…

This journey has turned into a type of adventure for me. I’m no longer (at least for now) trudging along, battling every difficulty and praying I’ll live through it. There have been those times that I have, but looking back I realize all I’ve really gone through have been bumps in the road. I’ve had to go around some big boulders, while others were seemingly completely impassable. In those cases I had to study the barrier in order to find the best way around it or through it. That required going in circles for a moment. If I had just pushed my way along, that boulder as well as any other impassable obstacle, would have just gone with me.  If I hadn’t learned about the existing obstacle, it would have only become an added burden to carry with me. With that being the potential, if I had actually made it to the end of the “road”, what would I have? Not freedom or strength. Rather, I would have a pile of crap, boulders, weeds, dirt and death that I’d have carried the entire way. Freedom? No, my muscles would have been tired and sore from the added weight of everything I didn’t conquer, which I would have to continue to carry into my “new” life. It might look like new surroundings, but it’s the same old baggage that should have been left behind.

If you strong-arm your way along, instead of dealing with WHY you were damaged going into the pathological relationship, you are just pushing down the path carrying the same old wounds, scars, and added weight of baggage from childhood on through adulthood. Your new surroundings would be full of the same old same old, and you will still be in bondage. If you push through without dealing with things, nothing changes.

You need to discover why you were willing to stay in an abusive relationship. You need to learn the hard things about yourself in order to understand what made you such a sumptuous meal to a predator. You learn, understand and finally are able to let that “boulder” stay where it lays.

Why take the time to deal with it? So you are free to be nothing but yourself. Free to be you, without the added weight of the effects of abuse, boundary issues, and the like.

I look back now, and I realize the path that I have already traveled and the uncertainty of the remaining path. What I see behind me are parts that I have cleared, making my way along. The spirals were my psyche’s way of dealing with baggage that doesn’t need to go with me on the rest of my adventure. Each spiral has come in its perfect time. It surrounds a boulder or obstacle in my path, such as why I might have a problem being afraid of negative emotions, for instance. That was an obstacle that needed to be cleared before i could continue on. If I had just “pushed through it” without understanding the root of it, I would never have conquered it. I would have continued to carry it with me.

Peace comes with knowledge

Healing. There are so many people out there who are telling you that if you don’t work at it “this” way, then you aren’t doing it right. There are no rule-books, “how-to” or self-help anything out there, to guide our healing process. We are thrust into this unwanted realm, alone and purely baby-like. We are given other’s experiences as a guide for our own process, which we need to pay attention to. Absolutely. However, when it comes to our own personal journeys, we are individuals. Very purely unique in all aspects. That is, except for our experiences with psychological abusers of every facet. Our experiences are so very similar, it’s absolutely amazing. However, how we deal with the aftermath, is purely our own process. Things that worked for one, will not work for all. That said, the one thing that MUST be a constant for every single survivor, regardless of where you are in the stages, is you must walk forward. You must move your feet. You have GOT to strive toward healthy life and refuse to be complacent in your own healing process. The process of getting to this place, is different for everyone.

It’s the process of this that takes different shapes, emotions and directions for every single survivor. For me, it’s looked like a spiral with some plateaus along the way.

It took me quite some time to be at peace with everything about the abuse and abuser. I didn’t have all the answers (in fact I had very few), and it seemed that I would never have every answer known. I had to force myself to find the only answer available at the time, and let it be “enough” for me to be able to move on; “It just ‘is'” and “It happened”. I had to make peace with the abuser in my own mind. In order to do this, I first had to understand him, to the best of my ability, then accept it.

Relatively recently, I was able to find information about Machiavellinism. Here was part of the answer I have needed, though I didn’t really need it anymore. I consider it a gift that would help me be able to completely close the mystery behind the monster himself, and my own experience. The only part that will never be answered fully is, “why?”. I don’t care why he chose to do what he did to me. I don’t care anymore about why he chose me or why he decided i was so important at the time, to try and destroy for no real reason.

The only part of the picture that is worth-while now, is the part that I played. I didn’t do anything with real knowledge that I was a part of the problem. Later, I learned that particular fact, while doing some soul searching on my own. I could see where my own inability to trust myself, enabled the abuse in the beginning, and continued it for the duration. At the same time, it was my own instincts that finally got me to pay attention to the truth, and allowed me to run.

Our instincts are so very important to listen to! I can’t express this enough. It’s a hard lesson when you are faced with psychological abuse. Our instincts give enough of a warning that they should save us from ever becoming victims. The fact is, that many of us don’t trust ourselves, our perceptions or even our own needs, to stay out of that type of situation. When we are finally thrust out of it, we are forced to remember our internal warnings in the beginning. “Why didn’t I listen to my gut?” The fact is, this wasn’t the first time I was faced with this question. I just never had the where-with-all to figure it out. I didn’t see the need to, at the time. Until my jaunt with a predator.

For me, I finally started trying to learn why I didn’t listen to my gut this last time, or any other time that I was faced with an abusive situation. Enter time-consuming soul searching. I learned the whys behind my inability to trust myself as well as the fact that I needed to learn how to do just that.

I’ll be building boundaries for quiet some time. I have some that were solid boundaries that I need to reaffirm. For whatever reason, it’s some old established ones that are shaky. I don’t understand why they were affected, though I know it’s a direct result of severe psychological abuse, that definitely broke down my core. Never-the-less, these particular boundaries are more important to rebuild and strengthen than any new ones I will establish along the way. Ones that surround old basic common sense. I have discovered that I’m more prone to drink alcohol to excess than I ever was. I will not allow this at all! Until I’m stronger, I will not be indulging in that area. It’s never ever been a problem before, but I see the potential of it, now. Won’t allow it.

With each spiral we go through, we are met with peace in our hearts for a while, at the end. It’s a process. We question, study, learn and rebuild. With each trial conquered, we can find peace. It’s an oasis for weary travelers.

The Machiavellian Personality

I had never heard of this. Yes, I’ve lived under a stump most of my life. I was actually introduced to this term by a link on another person’s blog. I’d never heard the word before, and it had me curious. I clicked on the link and there, in print, was my X-monster! The best article I’ve found on this disorder is; http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic11253.html.  I’ve learned a lot over the last year and a half, but this one is the most validating for me. Please read this article, so you are up to speed on what I’m talking about as well as the traits associated with a Machiavellian. This is my life for over a year. This is what I endured from a Psychopath. As I have said before, my X was good at his game.

Machiavellianism is considered one part of the “dark Triad“, which includes Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machivellianism. These are all considered to fall into the realm of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Personally, I believe if one is considered a “high mach”, they are all of the above, in spades. I don’t think it’s possible for a Machiavellian personality to be anything but Psychopathic. In order to manipulate others in that grand of a scale, it’s proof positive that there is no empathy, conscience or remorse. None. Zilch. Nadda.

I’ve spent this last year and a half trying to make sense of things. Don’t get me wrong, I have been at peace regarding the abuse and abuser, but I still had questions. I still remember each thing he did, each gas lighting endeavor and extreme manipulation, yet something was still missing in finding the name of the monster. I was and am 100% positive I was dealing with a Psychopath. Even with everyone’s stories that I could relate to, my experience still seemed unreal and over-the-top, in comparison. I still felt crazy because I knew everything that happened, caught him in several cons and setting up schemes months in advance, yet even the Psychopaths I had learned about from other women didn’t match completely with my experience. I knew what I knew. I lived it. I was there. There were many “spot on” similarities, where our experiences as survivors have mirrored each other’s, yet when I would describe the patient schemes and con-games my X would set up, how he baited others (including most of all, myself) into acting a particular way in order to see a scheme through to fruition, it felt exaggerated. There is no exaggeration.

They seem innocent and confident. They are always charming and precise in everything. They will drop surprise gifts with a smile on their face, without any notable reason. They will talk to you about subjects that are only important to them. At times, they will ask you why something is important to you, then use your answer in order to destroy it. Know that, even though they seem nice and friendly, Trustworthy and ethical, understand that they are FAR from it. If your skin crawls for no reason while talking to someone, it’s best to get away from them and avoid that person in the future.

The Machiavellian is extremely dangerous. Not only are they skilled in destroying you from the inside, out, they are also very adept at ruining other’s lives, while using the “subject” as their own pawn. There are no limits to what the Machiavellian is capable of. They will blind-side you, even when you feel you have done well to cut him/her off at the pass. When you have trained yourself to think like them, in order to protect yourself. You will never be fully aware of what this individual is doing, until it’s already happened. I caught mine in a final scheme against me, using my friend to set me up. He was care-less in his set-up. He didn’t think I would be able to see it. I did and the rest is history.

I have to re-emphasize the fact that I am NOT a Psychological professional of any sort. I talk like I know my shit, but the fact remains that I am still learning. I’m sharing what I’m learning with the rest of you. I may not have all my facts perfectly straight, and I might be misguided in my thinking at times. Please let me know if that is the case, now. With that being said…

Thank you to all of you fellow bloggers. Without you, I would be lost.

What a stupid dream…

Last night I had problems sleeping. It must be because I fell asleep on my couch watching NCIS…but, whatever 😀

I woke up after a dream, somewhere around 2 this morning. Nothing unusual.

On January 15, I put down the narsty coffin nails. I’ve had no desire, really, of picking them up again. I’m happy NOT smelling like an ashtray. By the way, did you know that even passing someone walking on the side of the road who is smoking, will cause the cigarette smell to come billowing into your car? Yeah, me neither..until the other day while I was doing deliveries. Lord, did I REALLY smell like THAT?!

Back to the dream…

I was on a break I think. I bummed a cigarette from someone, as well as a lighter. I couldn’t figure out how to work the lighter, as it had some sort of toggle/flip switch. Nothing I had ever seen before. I lit the cigarette (in my dream) and took a looonnnggg drag. I even tasted it! As soon as I tasted it, it dawned on me what I was doing..

I looked at the person next to me, saying, “What the hell am I DOING?!” and gave the rest of it to that person. I thought to myself, with fear in my heart, “How could I be so stupid! I’ve gone this long…what was I thinking?!”

Then I woke up.

I’m still amazed that dreams can be so realistic! Tasting something in my dream? Bizarre!

Have a wonderful weekend!