Healing. There are so many people out there who are telling you that if you don’t work at it “this” way, then you aren’t doing it right. There are no rule-books, “how-to” or self-help anything out there, to guide our healing process. We are thrust into this unwanted realm, alone and purely baby-like. We are given other’s experiences as a guide for our own process, which we need to pay attention to. Absolutely. However, when it comes to our own personal journeys, we are individuals. Very purely unique in all aspects. That is, except for our experiences with psychological abusers of every facet. Our experiences are so very similar, it’s absolutely amazing. However, how we deal with the aftermath, is purely our own process. Things that worked for one, will not work for all. That said, the one thing that MUST be a constant for every single survivor, regardless of where you are in the stages, is you must walk forward. You must move your feet. You have GOT to strive toward healthy life and refuse to be complacent in your own healing process. The process of getting to this place, is different for everyone.
It’s the process of this that takes different shapes, emotions and directions for every single survivor. For me, it’s looked like a spiral with some plateaus along the way.
It took me quite some time to be at peace with everything about the abuse and abuser. I didn’t have all the answers (in fact I had very few), and it seemed that I would never have every answer known. I had to force myself to find the only answer available at the time, and let it be “enough” for me to be able to move on; “It just ‘is'” and “It happened”. I had to make peace with the abuser in my own mind. In order to do this, I first had to understand him, to the best of my ability, then accept it.
Relatively recently, I was able to find information about Machiavellinism. Here was part of the answer I have needed, though I didn’t really need it anymore. I consider it a gift that would help me be able to completely close the mystery behind the monster himself, and my own experience. The only part that will never be answered fully is, “why?”. I don’t care why he chose to do what he did to me. I don’t care anymore about why he chose me or why he decided i was so important at the time, to try and destroy for no real reason.
The only part of the picture that is worth-while now, is the part that I played. I didn’t do anything with real knowledge that I was a part of the problem. Later, I learned that particular fact, while doing some soul searching on my own. I could see where my own inability to trust myself, enabled the abuse in the beginning, and continued it for the duration. At the same time, it was my own instincts that finally got me to pay attention to the truth, and allowed me to run.
Our instincts are so very important to listen to! I can’t express this enough. It’s a hard lesson when you are faced with psychological abuse. Our instincts give enough of a warning that they should save us from ever becoming victims. The fact is, that many of us don’t trust ourselves, our perceptions or even our own needs, to stay out of that type of situation. When we are finally thrust out of it, we are forced to remember our internal warnings in the beginning. “Why didn’t I listen to my gut?” The fact is, this wasn’t the first time I was faced with this question. I just never had the where-with-all to figure it out. I didn’t see the need to, at the time. Until my jaunt with a predator.
For me, I finally started trying to learn why I didn’t listen to my gut this last time, or any other time that I was faced with an abusive situation. Enter time-consuming soul searching. I learned the whys behind my inability to trust myself as well as the fact that I needed to learn how to do just that.
I’ll be building boundaries for quiet some time. I have some that were solid boundaries that I need to reaffirm. For whatever reason, it’s some old established ones that are shaky. I don’t understand why they were affected, though I know it’s a direct result of severe psychological abuse, that definitely broke down my core. Never-the-less, these particular boundaries are more important to rebuild and strengthen than any new ones I will establish along the way. Ones that surround old basic common sense. I have discovered that I’m more prone to drink alcohol to excess than I ever was. I will not allow this at all! Until I’m stronger, I will not be indulging in that area. It’s never ever been a problem before, but I see the potential of it, now. Won’t allow it.
With each spiral we go through, we are met with peace in our hearts for a while, at the end. It’s a process. We question, study, learn and rebuild. With each trial conquered, we can find peace. It’s an oasis for weary travelers.