This journey has turned into a type of adventure for me. I’m no longer (at least for now) trudging along, battling every difficulty and praying I’ll live through it. There have been those times that I have, but looking back I realize all I’ve really gone through have been bumps in the road. I’ve had to go around some big boulders, while others were seemingly completely impassable. In those cases I had to study the barrier in order to find the best way around it or through it. That required going in circles for a moment. If I had just pushed my way along, that boulder as well as any other impassable obstacle, would have just gone with me. If I hadn’t learned about the existing obstacle, it would have only become an added burden to carry with me. With that being the potential, if I had actually made it to the end of the “road”, what would I have? Not freedom or strength. Rather, I would have a pile of crap, boulders, weeds, dirt and death that I’d have carried the entire way. Freedom? No, my muscles would have been tired and sore from the added weight of everything I didn’t conquer, which I would have to continue to carry into my “new” life. It might look like new surroundings, but it’s the same old baggage that should have been left behind.
If you strong-arm your way along, instead of dealing with WHY you were damaged going into the pathological relationship, you are just pushing down the path carrying the same old wounds, scars, and added weight of baggage from childhood on through adulthood. Your new surroundings would be full of the same old same old, and you will still be in bondage. If you push through without dealing with things, nothing changes.
You need to discover why you were willing to stay in an abusive relationship. You need to learn the hard things about yourself in order to understand what made you such a sumptuous meal to a predator. You learn, understand and finally are able to let that “boulder” stay where it lays.
Why take the time to deal with it? So you are free to be nothing but yourself. Free to be you, without the added weight of the effects of abuse, boundary issues, and the like.
I look back now, and I realize the path that I have already traveled and the uncertainty of the remaining path. What I see behind me are parts that I have cleared, making my way along. The spirals were my psyche’s way of dealing with baggage that doesn’t need to go with me on the rest of my adventure. Each spiral has come in its perfect time. It surrounds a boulder or obstacle in my path, such as why I might have a problem being afraid of negative emotions, for instance. That was an obstacle that needed to be cleared before i could continue on. If I had just “pushed through it” without understanding the root of it, I would never have conquered it. I would have continued to carry it with me.