coming up on 2 years…Lessons learned and trusting my gut

I remember the day when I looked at my X-monster square in his eyes and said, “I’ll fight tooth and nail to keep from becoming YOU!’ He was constantly and consistently trying to create a very paranoid me. Trying, unwaveringly, to change, dissuade and negate everything I believed in. Every thought and view I ever had. He always had some reason to test my “knowledge” about a certain subject. I would be quizzed to test my current views, only for him to tell me how wrong I was and why his views or opinions were better. If a conversation ensued, he would change the subject in a completely off-the-wall way, donning an angry tone and/or demeanor..”I don’t want to hear shit about your x’s!” Yep, just that way. No reason for the flare-up, nor were any of my x’s being mentioned in any conversation. Or it became something that he would use later, as ammo. He was and is a very astute student of the human condition. Human behavior. Manipulation, using these natural behaviors of Humans. Those whom he can only imitate, and never fully understand.

“I’ll fight tooth and nail…” The thing is, in order to protect myself, I HAD to learn to think like him. I had to do that, in order to be able to see his schemes being implemented or planned. In order to predict what information or situation he could use to discredit me to others…again, for no discernible reason. I can say that 85% of the time, I was able to prepare myself for the proverbial bomb, or cut him off mid-stride, all together. 85% to 90% I was RIGHT! In learning to think like him, I was also conditioned into a paranoid thought-process. I actually was right about his schemes, or at least knowing that he was up to “something’. The ability to keep from being blind-sided from him was minimal at best. I was able to stop myself from being blind-sided quite often, but he was still able to catch me off guard. By the time I realized what he did or what he created, it was too late.

In some regards, I became like him. I now listen to what is said to me, and am able to discern lies much easier. I catch on to the red-flag moments without fail. In a way, learning to think like him has been a god-send. The difference between him and I… He is disordered (a very clinical variant of a calculated, evil individual). He uses these “skills” to dupe, destroy, condemn, and manipulate others into becoming their own downfall, for his benefit. For me, I use these same skills to protect myself. Period.

I second-guess others’ intentions, now. That, is something i most definitely HATE! At the same time, however, it’s just this type of thought pattern which allows me to see other disordered individuals in their true light. I don’t mistake the subtle manipulations. I don’t miss, really, anything. I don’t just dive into the thought that EVERYONE I meet is disordered, Narcissistic or Psychopathic. I let time be the judge. I watch, listen, take mental note and come to conclusions. In some instances, I don’t want to believe the obvious.

Here’s an example… I have been seeing someone for a few months. I was guarded when he and I started talking. So much so, that I believed I would be stuck like that for the rest of my life. This individual had been asking me out for coffee for quite some time. Each time he offered, I refused. A little later, I agreed. We spent time together as friends, without the ability to let my heart go. Unable to take that chance. I still agreed to breakfast, coffee, walk in the park, and the occasional phone calls. Then one day, he said something that worked for him. My heart dropped the protective barriers. I thought I found my long-lost soul mate. I will say that there were several things that were said that were, “Wow! How was he able to find THAT?!” Songs that spoke to my heart, long ago. Certain phrases from movies that tugged at my heart, years before..even into my childhood. Even so far as singing the same exact song to his children when they were born, that I instinctively sang to my grand-daughter as a newborn. He touched on dreams that I silently wished for, for years. You get the picture. I dropped my guard. It was if my very heart left me, and went to him. I felt it go.

This gentleman is a Salesman. More specifically, he is the District manager of sales. He’s skilled at manipulating for a sale. He’s skilled at patience and persistence. He’s charming, funny, caring and successful. He wants to succeed and usually does in any chosen direction. It shows. He’s also very cunning and highly intelligent. When pursuing me, he was kind, patient and a complete gentleman. When I said, “No, thank you” he replied, “It’s ok. I’m still here.” then he would walk away, giving me time and space. He would approach me again later, with the same request. Very sweet.

 

He’s also a terrible liar.

Once at a particular restaurant a few weeks ago, I was really depressed and down on myself. He looked into my eyes, saying, “I love looking into your eyes.”. He no more than got that out of his mouth, then dropped his gaze to a pretty waitress’ rear-end, watching her walk past us and across the room. It was ridiculously obvious. I went silent, which bothered him. He asked what was wrong. I finally told him, “It was just the timing”. I explained what hurt my feelings, but didn’t accuse really. I wasn’t angry, he just hurt my feelings. He instantly lied, 4 times to my face, “I was hungry and wanted to see if she had our food”. I told him The male waiter had already brought our food. “I didn’t see her.”…REALLY?? “I don’t even know what color pants the waitresses wear”… he has been to that same restaurant 100 times before. Then there was the final lie, which is the same one that people stuck in a corner resort to, “I don’t recall…”. What would have been a momentary bump, in which I needed his understanding, turned into so much more. After all, he asked. The fact that he lied (and still does) made that time that much worse. It turned it into a trust issue. With his job, I have to trust him. In order to be able to do that, he has GOT to be honest with me. I let this one go. To a point, though not forgetting how he made me feel and his chosen action.

Another time, now about a week and a half ago, we went out to sing Karaoke. While we were out, we ran into a man who is in charge of a business in town. We both knew him and invited this guy to sit with us. The conversation turned to particular alcoholic beverages. A trashcan was mentioned. This is a tasty cousin to a long island iced tea. LOTS of alcohol, and one lonely red bull. My boyfriend bought me one.

I’m a lightweight. A serious lightweight. I don’t drink very often, and never very much. (Almost never). I was drinking the trashcan very slowly, since I knew what it would do to me. I would become one very drunk woman. The other man chose to be nice and bought me a second one. I told my boyfriend that I really didn’t want it, as I was already buzzed from the 1/2 that I already drank of the first one. He acted like he understood. Pretty soon he noticed  the second one was still sitting on the table. “You’re gonna drink that, aren’t you?” I told him I would, but would be really taking my time. He said “Ok.” I don’t know how much time went by, and he chose to talk to me about it again, “Are you going to drink that?” and “After all, he DID buy that for you.” It bothered me, but I drank it anyway. I didn’t want to make my boyfriend look bad (that’s what he made me think would happen), and as I already knew it would to do me…I was 3-sheets. The next morning my boyfriend and I were talking about that night. He reminded me that I played air-drums and kept a good beat while drunk. I was embarrassed. He said, “don’t worry, I’m not mad at you.” I INSTANTLY told him, “You have no reason to be mad at me. You pressured me into drinking it, even though I didn’t want to”. He recanted and said, “I know. It was partially my fault, too…” A couple of nights later he let me know how stupid I was to get that drunk. I know enough to call this one… RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG!!! I let him know that I would never allow anyone to buy drinks for me again. Not even him. I would buy my own drinks from now on. End of that problem.

A few days ago, I got temporary custody of my granddaughter. It’s been very stressful, moving my daughter and her boyfriends’ things into my basement for safe keeping. They are living in a truck, now. I had my own mini breakdown. I quit smoking back in January, and my man-friend knows it. He also knows of my health issues and that smoking is a death sentence for me. He started bringing up cigarettes. He’s been out of town a lot lately, and sometimes in areas that cigs are much cheaper. He has been telling me how tempted he’s been to buy me a pack, trying to pressure me into “smoking just one, to take the edge of the stress off”. I have consistently told him, “No, please don’t do that.” The conversation turned into why I haven’t smoked, still. I told him my #1 reason is that it would break my mom’s heart if I started up again. He asked, “What about after she dies?” I told him that it’s open season, then, and if I chose to I might. He said, “no matter what I think about it?”…as if I hurt him by considering smoking again at a later date. He’s been trying to pressure me into smoking!!!!! I let him know that, too! Again, RED-FLAG, RED-FLAG, RED-FLAG!!!

I’m thinking I have a full-blown Narc on my hands! Last night he was over, and we were playing with my Granddaughter, outside. Her disease is flaring up again, and breathing is difficult for her again. She was getting real winded, so I told her we needed to go inside. He piped up, “Grandma, let her play outside more. Let her be a kid.” a minute later he says to her, “It’s time to go inside to rest up!” Nothing had changed with her. She hadn’t gotten any worse. He undermined my authority, and chose to make it his. I told him, “You change your mind more often than you change underpants!” This is a little too de-ja-vue-ish to me to ignore.

Part of getting to know someone is in the conversations you will have. It’s important to remember the facts that are told to you. The ability to put things together chronologically from their past, will alert you to potential cheating in your own relationship with that person. I have reason to beware, in this area. He met wife #2 while he was married to wife #1. He divorced wife #1, and immediately married wife #2. I found out that he was still seeing wife #2 while he was asking me out for coffee, and then seeing me. According to him, both women were outrageous cheaters. i don’t know either one, so I can’t prove or disprove this one. It’s obvious that he has never lived alone. He works on the new one while still “working” on things with the previous. When the new woman is ready to move in, he gets rid of the old one…

He’s been trying to push me into moving in with him immediately. I refuse.

His first x-wife is an alcoholic. I asked him if she had the problem early in their marriage. He said, “No, she really didn’t drink that much. It became a problem later”. I believe, now, after the times that he has pushed me to drink to excess, by himself, that he pressured her into doing the same. I believe he’s the reason that she now has a raging problem. Of course, it’s all her fault, just as the other night was my fault, while he refuses to see his part in it, in pressuring me and guilting me into drinking more. I see where I was wrong. I should have stood up for myself, and refused to drink it anyway. I didn’t, to allow him to save face with a customer and keep from making a scene, which now I know would never have happened. It’s a little of the old me coming out. I think he did the same thing, countless times, to her.

My point in all of this is, that without my experience with the Psychopath, I would NEVER be able to discern these red flags, this easily. I wouldn’t be able to spot the insincerity and lying in my new guy, toward me. I see it very VERY clearly! I haven’t broken up with him yet. I have to put some things into place before I do. Until then, my heart has pulled away from him. He can tell. From the first series of lies, my heart caved up again, just as easily as it ran to him. He’s already looking over my shoulder for another. I see that too. The man who has his phone glued to his hip, normally, is now leaving it in his car when we are together in my home. I’ve noticed that, too.

Dear man…I’m not stupid.

 

 

 

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