I am absolutely dumbfounded, as I sit here. I hate to call that “relationship” a good lesson. But, it was. I hate to think that some things that have changed in me as a result, are actually GOOD! Should I thank him for changing those areas?? Oh, HELL NO! The fact remains, however, that without that experience, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Someone I should have been, long ago.
My daughter isn’t the nicest person around, on a normal day. Though, sometimes she can be sweet and thoughtful. She has been abusive toward me for many years. She’s always had anger issues, from the time she was a young child. At 3, she slammed the bathroom door so hard, she broke it THROUGH the door jam. Yep, 3 years old. I tried to discipline her, make her work to pay for what she broke, etc, but nothing ever changed her tendencies. She had been tentatively diagnosed as bi-polar when she was 13. It was tentative, because she was still too young for a clinical diagnosis. That age is at 15. The psychologist prescribed lithium to treat her. She refused to take her medicine, and would become verbally and physically abusive toward me, when I would try to force her to take it. When she was in grade school, I asked for help from the school. I wanted her to be evaluated for ADD, or ADHD. She was and still is a very violent young woman. Their findings were that she was (and is) highly intelligent. Higher than average IQ. That’s all they tested her for.
When she was a young girl, she would act out. As a single mom, it was really hard to take. I tried to ask her sperm-donor father to help. His reply? “You wanted this, you deal with it.” She would make me so angry, I was afraid I would hurt her if I resulted to physical restraint or spanking at the time. I would put my hands behind my back and step back away from her about 3-5 feet, each time. What that translated to, to my daughter? I could be bullied into backing down.
She is manipulative, and a compulsive liar. She is one of the “entitlement generation”. Narcissistic at best, bordering (if not absolutely) Sociopathic. She blames me for everything that happens to her, even now. She reminds me that I kicked her out of my home at 14, which caused her to get into meth amphetamines. She uses her daughter (my grand daughter) as a tool to get what she wants from me. She has bullied me into staying quiet in my own home, when she verbally &/0r physically assaults me. I continued allowing her back in to my home, when she showed no sign of ever changing. She has several assaults on her record, starting from when she was a young teenager, and a few in her adult years. Most were charges from assaulting me. Many times, I just holed myself up in my office, messing around on my computer. This didn’t stop her, but it gave me something to focus on until it was over. She is currently in jail for the same thing. I called the police when she started escalating. I don’t want that life anymore. She threatened to take my grand daughter away, and never let me see her again. She has.
A few days ago, I came home from work. She doesn’t live with me, though I allowed her to store her belongings in my basement. I asked her to allow me to use my Granddaughters disability check, so I could send her to daycare while I worked. She told me, “no..I need that to get into another place”. She said she would watch her at the park while I was working. That meant 8-12 hours a day in whatever weather was occurring. Rain, shine, extreme heat… I didn’t like that idea at ALL! I was concerned for my Granddaughter’s welfare. We talked about my daughter watching her at my house. I knew how that would turn out, as I have had her living in my home before. More of the same…verbal assaults, because of the simplest requests from me to her. Like, “I need help finding my towels”. I told her we would try, and if it didn’t work out we would have to find a better alternative. It didn’t work.
She had been doing 6-10 loads of laundry here, daily. I calmly told her that if it was going to be a regular thing, I would need her to pitch in a little, to help with the added expenses. She went off on me, “You’re my MOTHER! How DARE you suggest that?!” and “I’m homeless! I don’t have any money!!!” She always has money for cigarettes. Then the verbal onslaught. “You f’ing *C*! Bitch!….” and it continued. She left in a huff. The next day I informed her that this arrangement wasn’t working and I didn’t want her here.
I have always been calm. I learned early on, how to defuse situations by intentionally keeping my voice level, not raising it. Talking instead of yelling. I instinctively went there that day. She took the verbal barrage outside, making sure the neighbors could hear how she was being “disrespected” by her “abusive” mother.
The next day, she showed up to watch my Granddaughter again, while I went to work. I came home to a total mess. She never picks up after herself, goes through my things to see what she can take, etc. I had been missing my new towels. I had to re arrange the piles in the kitchen and living room so I could walk into my own home. she was asleep on the couch (though she was awake when I walked in). I was irritated. I said, “would you please help me look for my towels, so they don’t get mixed up in your things?” She ignored me. “ would you PLEASE get up and help me look? Then you can go back to sleep.” It started again, the verbal barrage…”I’m HOMELESS. It’s next to impossible for me to sleep in the f’ing truck, you f’ing bitch!!”… I ignored her, cleaning my kitchen. She got in my face, yelling at me…calling me more names…threatening to take my granddaughter away from me. I calmly said, “Ok, you do what you need to do.” It continued. I continued cleaning my kitchen. She escalated even more, and I asked her to get out of my house. “I’ll leave when my laundry is DONE!” I replied, “No, you’ll leave when the door closes behind you.” It continued. I called the police, still ignoring her. She was still cussing when I was on the phone with dispatch. “Where is she now?” me: “Do you hear the yelling in the background?” dispatch: “Yes, is that her?” I said, “Yes”. Dispatch: “Has there been any physical assault?” I said: “No, not yet, but that’s what she normally resorts to.” Dispatch: “I have dispatched the Police who should be there shortly.”. I said, “Ok.”
My daughter was busily hauling her stuff out the back door, still screaming at me, yelling obscenities. I continued cleaning. I asked her if a little notebook was hers, as I was going to wash the table. Next to it was an outlet adapter, which she threw at me, breaking open my hand. I called 911 again, “It’s now gotten physical. I want her out NOW!” She went to jail, once again for assault. There was a ‘no contact’ order placed, during her court appearance the next morning. Since she hadn’t had a new charge against her in 2 years, they let her go on her own recognizance. She left the jail, and proceeded to come to my house. She was seen walking down the hill. In court (as I was told by the advocate), she asked for a civil-standby so she could get her things, without violating the no-contact order. She violated it immediately, without waiting for the civil-standby. I watched her through my window, until she came onto my yard. I called the police again. She’ll be in jail until her next court date, I think. I went to court appearance for the violation, and requested that she be psychologically evaluated and treated. I don’t have legal custody of my Grand daughter. She had a friend come and take her out of my home. I’ll be lucky to see my buttercup again.
Not because I did anything wrong, but because I refused to take “it’ anymore. My plan that night was to stay quiet and see what she would do. I gave her the opportunity to give up the verbal barrage, knowing full-well that she wouldn’t. I decided when it started, if she escalated then I would have the police remove her, or force her to leave. I did. She did. In handcuffs.
Normally, my first reaction would have been to try and talk to her, then going to my “room” for some sense of peace. There has never been any, with my daughter. I knew her threats. I thought to myself, “I’m done being bullied.” “This is not how I want to live the rest of my life.” I couldn’t allow it anymore, come what may.
My daughters mental/emotional state just breaks my heart! I love both of my kids. I would do anything for my children, if they are trying to better their situations. If they would fight for themselves, taking steps to better their situation, I would carry them until things were better for them. My youngest daughter is full of excuses as to why she’s in the boat she’s in. It’s my fault. It’s her x-boyfriend’s fault. It’s the state’s fault. It’s because of her daughter’s health….she takes no responsibility for it. She has no plan to fix it. Only the plan to get hooked up with someone else, to mooch off of. Until they can’t take her anymore, and leave.
I had to make a difficult decision. End the abusive cycle, and lose my granddaughter as a result, or allow the abuse for the rest of my life. Living life that way is no life at all.
I ended our relationship, and lost my Granddaughter. For now.