Just an update to this journey.

Today, I’m left feeling distrusting of everything and everyone around me. I’m ashamed to say I’ve become a snappy little bitch.

The one thing that was a constant when I got out of a relationship with a horrible human being (purely chromosomal, I assure you), was the drive, knowledge and determination that, I would never go through “that” again. I won’t. EVER. That has given me the ability to speak up for myself when someone offends me or treats me badly. I have never been that way, other than by being absolutely fed-up, which sometimes took years to reach. It’s as if my emotions are on my sleeve, now. I cry easily, now. I feel offense easily, now. The problem is that, there is no balance. I’m not happy. I’m overtly aware of my surroundings and everyone in it. Trust? I trust no-one.

Instead of trusting people until they proved they couldn’t be trusted, now I don’t trust anyone UNLESS they prove they can be trusted. Those people have to jump through burning hoops, before I can trust them…and even then, I question their intentions in jumping through that hoop. I expect to be hurt, now.

I remember the day I was finally free. I was so detached from myself, going to work, shopping, or just “being”. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, like I couldn’t see the old me, anymore. I had to forceably remind myself of who I was/am. I had to force myself to act like I remembered myself being. Nothing was easy, except that drive and determination.

After all this time, I’m still not myself. I’m someone completely foreign to me. When I hear what others have said about me, at work, it still disturbs me. When I started this job, I was fun-loving, poking at others in an impromptu verbal-jousting session. I had fun with other people. I enjoyed my job. I felt a little out-of-place (wasn’t unusual), but enjoyed my job. Now, people describe me as “she’s so quiet” and “kept to herself”. Just hearing that, is a painful reminder that I’m not myself.

I don’t know if I will ever be completely myself, again. I have changed. In some ways, I have changed for the better. In other ways, definitely have changed for the worse. I will never be the same, that’s for sure.

I wonder if I should just find a balance to the new “me” and be at peace with that? I don’t like myself, as I am.

I’m sorry for the “down-trodden” feel of this post. I hope you are all doing well.

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8 thoughts on “Just an update to this journey.

  1. You never need to apologize for how you are feeling in life. Not that this lessens your pain- but the course of abuse runs through our lives for a very long time. It takes so much effort to recover, to fee “normal” that is it understandable that we feel down and exhausted at certain points. It is difficult to have to constantly think of how you are, how others are treating you, etc. because your internal compass was destroyed by another. Take heart. The fact you can speak and write with such eloquence about what you are feeling shows that you are very aware and healing.

  2. Completely jaded on my part but my take, I don’t see a damn thing wrong with your not trusting, People are assholes (a majority of them) and I think what you are describing are boundaries and self care, something many of us have been discouraged to do…I could go on but you know moving forward it is what it is, I think the alternative is LaLa Land which leaves YOU at risk to be harmed again. Good people do exist but I think it makes sense to make folks work a lil…trust SHOULD be earned I don’t see a darn thing wrong with your approach the thing is maybe you remember what I like to call the “Pollyanna” days where trust was doled out just because until someone had a reason NOT to be trusted but that is back asswards only because we know there are folks who if given the opportunity will screw you over royally so I presume it’s better to put a lil distance between self and others until they’ve proven WORTHY. I think that for many of us was our downfall, and that is how ‘bad folks’ got in…at least it’s what happened to me…

    1. I completely agree, Betty. Learning to stand up for myself was only possible because of enduring the last phase of abuse. I don’t recommend that avenue of teaching, though! Horrible way to learn, but for me it was very necessary. I do recall the “old, Pollyanna” days with some thought and grief, as if grieving a loved-one. It’s difficult for me to accept that my original views were very damaging and wrong! I guess I’m still bucking at the new direction and life. I am still needing to find balance, though. Not everyone is “out to get me” nor are they intentionally being rude or hurtful. Not everyone deserves the full arsenal of my wrath, from the moment of the first slight. They just deserve to know about it, and I deserve the right to let them know. I don’t have to be upset at them, right away. I just have to say something

      1. It’s a process for sure. I am not sure I have found the ‘balance’ so to speak but it is a hell of a lot more liberating letting my needs and boundaries be known and not ‘second guessing’ or ‘guilting’ about it…Kudos to you too! *Cheers* ❤

  3. You are not your old self. Life happens. If you were in a car accident and shattered your leg, no one would expect you to be exactly the same ever again. The problem with screwed up relationships is people expect you to pick up and act like nothing happened, including ourselves. Allow yourself to discover who you are now. A lot of the distrust is about not trusting yourself. You’ll find your footing again. It will look different. One of life’s guarantees is change. Keep fighting for you.

    1. Thanks, Judy 🙂 Discovering…I think my air-line is blocked! lol!! I’m trying too hard to trust my own perceptions, I think. Time and effort, along with growing pangs, will bring the balance, I think. It’s easy to give up the fight for some. For me, that would be harder than fighting day to day. I don’t allow defeat very easily.

  4. weareonebyruth

    Changing is what we want to do any way. Wouldn’t make sense to act like a 3 year-old, even though some people do. I learned to consider which of my previous behaviors are healthy and I would like to reintroduce with someone I know well. I also decided the other person’s opinion is about them and not me. Your post says how much you are self aware. With that self awareness you can decide what is best for you. Hugs. Cheering you on from my computer.

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