Today, I’m left feeling distrusting of everything and everyone around me. I’m ashamed to say I’ve become a snappy little bitch.
The one thing that was a constant when I got out of a relationship with a horrible human being (purely chromosomal, I assure you), was the drive, knowledge and determination that, I would never go through “that” again. I won’t. EVER. That has given me the ability to speak up for myself when someone offends me or treats me badly. I have never been that way, other than by being absolutely fed-up, which sometimes took years to reach. It’s as if my emotions are on my sleeve, now. I cry easily, now. I feel offense easily, now. The problem is that, there is no balance. I’m not happy. I’m overtly aware of my surroundings and everyone in it. Trust? I trust no-one.
Instead of trusting people until they proved they couldn’t be trusted, now I don’t trust anyone UNLESS they prove they can be trusted. Those people have to jump through burning hoops, before I can trust them…and even then, I question their intentions in jumping through that hoop. I expect to be hurt, now.
I remember the day I was finally free. I was so detached from myself, going to work, shopping, or just “being”. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, like I couldn’t see the old me, anymore. I had to forceably remind myself of who I was/am. I had to force myself to act like I remembered myself being. Nothing was easy, except that drive and determination.
After all this time, I’m still not myself. I’m someone completely foreign to me. When I hear what others have said about me, at work, it still disturbs me. When I started this job, I was fun-loving, poking at others in an impromptu verbal-jousting session. I had fun with other people. I enjoyed my job. I felt a little out-of-place (wasn’t unusual), but enjoyed my job. Now, people describe me as “she’s so quiet” and “kept to herself”. Just hearing that, is a painful reminder that I’m not myself.
I don’t know if I will ever be completely myself, again. I have changed. In some ways, I have changed for the better. In other ways, definitely have changed for the worse. I will never be the same, that’s for sure.
I wonder if I should just find a balance to the new “me” and be at peace with that? I don’t like myself, as I am.
I’m sorry for the “down-trodden” feel of this post. I hope you are all doing well.