I have been stuck in the “need to protect” myself for the past number of months. Quite possibly for the past 7 months. It started with the knowledge and drive to never go through what I did while with my X-monster, ever again. It’s a no-brainer to protect yourself after going through hell. A real hell.
There are particular phases a person goes through as a natural part of the healing process. If you aren’t already a naturally introspective person, you most likely will become one as a result of being utterly destroyed from the psyche, out. It’s brought out by the need for self preservation. I might be wrong in saying that, but I believe it to be the case more often than not. Even more than becoming introspective, I believe a person might become more retrospective (or extrospective) as well. Combined, these 2 states of mind become a useful and seemingly much needed tool to fully understand anything or any reasons in association with those events, which could have caused or precipitated any abuse you’ve lived through. We learn in order to keep from repeating any painful event. If you are already an analytically paralyzed individual, you will become more so. At least, I did, and am now. My question, which is one for you to consider for your own journeys as well, is, “When is it time to let go?”
I’m so afraid to be “hurt” again. You and I both know that the term, hurt, doesn’t even touch what was done or what was left of you. The pain involved, or an explanation for anyone suffering from PTSD as a result, goes over and above that simplistic term. Be that as it may, I don’t want to walk through that path ever again.
In my drive to keep from being hurt, I have formed my own proverbial witch hunt. My eyes and ears are so WIDE open, I have been forgetting the one thing that is needed… BEING HUMAN, AND ALLOWING OTHERS TO BE, AS WELL… I’m so overtly aware of any slight or red-flags, that I don’t miss a thing. But am I, at times, crying “MONSTER” when I should really be looking for the human in the “monster” suit?
Self-centered. Yep, that’s me. It’s born out of self-preservation. It’s a control issue, through and through. In order to feel “safe”, I absolutely need to be in control of every area of my life. I will never be blind-sided again, or at least I hope to never be again.
I keep being drawn to one issue..the lack of balance in my newly formed protective “bitch” armor.
Lets look at medieval armor. Chainmail, is a full-body heavy metal chain-link covering. Very VERY heavy for the wearer. I can imagine the weight of which, (generally bronze or iron), combined with the heat of the day, became excruciating to wear. It saved many lives during that period, but could you imagine what it caused in the mean time? Heat exhaustion maybe? How about collapse due to prolonged exposure to the horrendous weight? Dear-hearts, that is what we are carrying. In the desire to protect ourselves from the weapons that could hurt us, we become prisoners to our own cause. Cross-bows created the need for even MORE armor. Chest plates, worn either over the chain mail or under it, added to the weight. Another problem I can see, is the inability to breathe or cool down. Our armor, which we have painstakingly created for our own protection, has become our own hell. It’s become my own hell.
In the attempt to painstakingly protect the fragile part of my own emotional and psychological well-being, I am keeping the “daggers” out, but I’m not letting anything else IN! No joy is allowed, because it might cause me to be vulnerable to attack. No forgiveness, for the same reason. I might misconstrue something someone says or does as “innocent”, so I’d be better to call it “narcissistic” behavior or a full-on attack, first. I hold onto my interpretations as if they are a life-line. For me, they really are a life-line.
I have all the makings to become the loner-woman down the block, who is bitter against the world.
People are stupid, by nature. Not everyone thinks or feels the same way that we do. We expect others to have the same views, actions and reactions that we do. In thinking that way, we are setting other potentially, well-meaning individuals, up for a fall. We destroy before anything wonderful can be created. People make mistakes. People sometimes don’t understand their chosen actions could be hurtful. That’s human. Forgiveness and understanding is also human.
When is it time to “let go”? Allow for some trust and belief in a fellow, fallible human being? The fact that we are walking, talking, empathetic creatures, causes us to be potential targets. Donning heavy-weighted armor for protection, doesn’t keep us from being targeted. Yes, it will keep the “bad-guys” at bay (it won’t keep them away, entirely), but we exhaust ourselves in the mean-time, just by wearing it. We can’t breathe. We can’t “live”. We can’t enjoy another’s company due to the stress WE HAVE CREATED in ourselves!
Stay guarded and aware of your (and my) surroundings. But, learn to be discerning as well. 20% of the populace are said to be psychopathic/sociopathic. The remaining 80% are a mixture of varying degrees of the disordered. Still, the majority of what is left, are wonderful, caring people who want to get to know you. It’s time to let some in, but with caution. Trust and respect are earned. Give others the chance to earn your trust.
This is my lesson, too.
Breathe in, breathe out…one step in front of the other. Bumps will come. Yes, we’ll be hurt again. It’s part of the human condition. The difference is, we don’t have to be destroyed. We don’t have to allow for anything less than wonderful to take residency in our psyche’s and hearts. We do, however, deserve to LOVE and be loved. Whether that be with a romantic hopeful, or a new friend. The choice is ours. Allow for that choice.