Back to square one


The cool thing about that is that I don’t think it will be as long or as grueling a process. Its all a matter of knowing what needs to be done and then applying it. The difficulty is in the application.

It’s easy to go No Contact , when you already dislike (understatement from hell) the person. How about when you actually adore that person? When you know what you are seeing and have experienced directly, yet it still goes against what you believed about that person all along, it’s hard to see them in a negative light, really. I mean to actually feel disdain over hurt, is something that doesn’t exist, doesn’t exist in this particular case. You hurt, yet you don’t hold them in disdain. You lash out when you see the true level of their “love” for you is nothing but superficial. It’s frustrating beyond belief, when you still want to believe everything will be and is ok, yet that same person is using reflection against you, when you try to talk to them about their behavior and treatment of you. Analytical people are prone to going into mental and emotional tail-spins because of this type of thing.

For me, falling for a man at all, was a miracle. I didn’t want to have to see that fact as nothing more than being placed into a type of testing scenario. But I have been tested.

I’m still grasping at straws, even though I’m the one who called things off. I wasn’t nice about it at all. Actually almost sounded out of control. I know I have to stay “no contact”, even though I still want things back to the way we were, before everything changed. I have caught him a couple of attempts of a ‘set-up’ against me. He’s tried to tell me that I took things wrong, when he would interrupt me when someone asked me a question, and answered for me, telling the other person what I would do. He decided for me, when I was sitting right there. Didn’t let me speak at all. “I didn’t realize that was so important to you”, referring lying or subtle attempts to control me. He also said, when I tried to talk to him about it, “You took that wrong. That’s not how I meant it. It was meant as a suggestion.” Really? Since when is “Go wash your hands”, or, “Stand up straight” A suggestion? An opinion (as he also said)? He told me that I never said anything about it, and he didn’t know it was important. As if I was over the top, being unreasonable. Nope. The fact remains that I’m 46…FORTY SIX YEARS OLD! This was never a relationship comparable to father and daughter interaction. It’s natural to expect and anticipate a certain level of decency in a relationship. I shouldn’t have had to say, “Don’t boss me around or treat me like I’m 10 years old. Don’t control my thoughts, speech, stance or decisions.” It should just be understood. Its the same with blatant lying and sneaking around. If the guy is making ridiculous excuses for his behavior, and trying to convince you that he’s naive about that, it’s BULL-SHIT! When he tries to convince you that it didn’t really happen “that way”, blaming your supposed misconceptions, for the pain you feel due to his mistreatment of you, and not owning it for himself… That’s also bull-shit. Blame shifting. Gas-lighting. Controlling behavior, no matter how subtle. Lying and sneaking, obviously and blatantly, or covert and subtle. It’s still wrong. It’s still psychologically abusive and very damaging.

Sorry. I got off track a bit.

No contact. It has to be done. I know the this side of the variable script.

The person I fell for, doesn’t exist. It was an act. It was a game where my heart was the hockey-puck.

No contact. Who do I talk to, now, to keep from texting him or calling? That’s another problem I have. It’s important to have someone to fall back on, in order to keep from talking to the person.

The fact remains; I wasn’t destroyed. Just shaken. I hurt but I don’t have to reaffirm who I am to myself this time. Even though I got off track in my recovery process, I’m still ok. Just dented and dinged.

Life…


Sucks if you let it.

I’m thankful for my Mom. I’ve been in quite the tale-spin lately, followed by a shitty day yesterday. All day at work, I was choking back tears. People either thought my blood-shot eyes were from too much partying the night before, allergies or no sleep. Well, the ‘no sleep’ scenario isn’t too far off base. Such is the case, obviously, tonight. I slept for about 3 hours, woke up because of the rain and realized my windows were down in my car. Since I have a long trip ahead tomorrow with my granddaughter, I didn’t want to spend it with a wet butt. I got up and am still awake. I talked to my Mom last night, who’s pearls of wisdom consisted of, “I know it hurts. I’m happy you didn’t move in with him! Oh my god, could you imagine what life would be like for you? Now, be strong. You walked away from him, because you saw everything that was going on. Stop crying.” Lots of wisdom, there.

Stop crying.

He’s not worth my tears, as he so painstakingly proved.

I understand now, why people have a hard time letting go of a Narcissist. I went from escaping a Psychopath about 2 years ago, to dating a full-blown Narcissist. It’s amazing how many tactics are used, similarly, by both personalities. He’ll smear me to his closest friends. I have no doubt. The fact that I’m not close to anyone at work, will enable him to say what he wants without one person standing by my side.

Been there. Done that.

When I refer to Narcs and Psych’s as different personalities, I am looking at it from that standpoint that; not all Narcissists are Psychopaths, but ALL psychopaths are Narcissists. One shows some empathy (from what I see). The other would rather nail Bambi to a wall, with a smirk.

The fact that I’ve already lived through each tactic, previously, has allowed me to catch each attempt this time. I didn’t miss a beat, when I shut down his attempts. Some, however, were pretty subtle and hard to define as what they really were. It was a mistake for me to allow for the love-bombing in the first place. I didn’t call things “done” the first time he tried to set me up for a fall. (ie: badgering me into drinking that second drink because it was bought FOR me, then turning it around as though it was my fault and I should be grateful that he wasn’t mad at me. Then, “You know, you were really stupid to let yourself get that drunk”: That ladies and gentlemen, is a set up for a future smear campaign). I should have been strong enough in my own boundaries to end it, then and there. I KNEW it was a set up, but still fell into the trap of second guessing…”HE wouldn’t do THAT! He loves me!” If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck…

I couldn’t stand the thought that I just might have walked into another one of those situations. But, in reality, I DID! I should have nipped it in the bud, immediately. Instead, I fell into the same old pattern of “give it time”. He begged for me to give him another chance, to earn my trust. In reality, he was just wanting more time to look good, so he could turn things around on me.

His first wife became an alcoholic while with him. Yes, she was predisposed to having the addiction eventually, because of family history, but she WASN’T, then. He claims that was the reason he divorced her. But there’s the other woman, who was waiting and had already been chosen and groomed, waiting to move in. I can compare my experience to what I know of his first ex-wife… He PUSHED ME TO DRINK! Then, when I complied to allow HIM to save face, he turned it around on me. What do you think happened with his first ex-wife? She didn’t just magically become an alcoholic. I believe he created that. She was just too weak in that area, while wanting to make him happy, and allowed him to dictate who she was to become. She’s still stuck in “jilted wife” mode. Drinking heavily. It’s been five years since their divorce. I don’t hold her current condition against her. I have seen first hand, what he does. My heart goes out to her.

Where to go from here? Eh, hem…”Day one, step one” Process. Heal. Take care of me.

Gawd! Can I call for a “do-over”?

One day at a time, one step at a time. Breathe in, Breathe out.

Repeat

repeat

repeat…

 

Out of the frying pan, yadda friggen yadda…


Just over 2 years ago, I finally got rid of an evil sub-human, also known as a ‘high mach’ or Psychopath. I thought I learned everything there was to learn. Ok, I knew better, but I thought I knew enough.

Just a side-stepping moment, here: I didn’t realize just how easy I had it, when I left my X-psychopath. It was easy to pull away from the inhumane treatment and obvious set ups against me. It was easy to run away, once I fully understood what I was actually dealing with. In the beginning of my exodus, all I knew was he was extremely dangerous, since he had no real discernible, natural boundaries or limits as to what he was capable. Getting away was the easy part, for me. Especially when I finally understood my detrimental position in that relationship. The hard part of it all, began once I finally got rid of him, directly. Since that point, nothing has been easy. It’s gotten easier per-say, but not easy in the least. The first one was mean and all sorts of cruel.

I left, exposing him as I ran. I filed for a restraining order. I alerted my management team as to the abuse and stalking behavior. That changling has left me alone, except for the smear campaigns I recognized were being formed early on in our relationship (I hate that term as a descriptive for that period of hell). The remainder of the time afterward was spent reaffirming who I am as a person. A living, breathing, empathetic creature. I was learning to become comfortable in my own skin, again. Later I was able to learn just what it was about me that made me so tempting to a Psychopath to begin with, as well as what perpetuated all abuses in my life, and what enabled all of it to continue.

Yeah, it was easy to get away. I learned to fear the beast and quite literally ran for my life. Once the red flags became beacons, the rest was history, as they say.

That was the frying pan. I was emotionally and psychologically fried beyond belief. Yet, I wasn’t dead yet. I still had a glimmer of life left.

Two years went by. I was unable to open up to even the slightest caring gestures by a man. I was unable to feel the least bit close to another man, much less be able to open up to the potential of romance. I was seemingly forever unable to let go enough to believe or trust another human being, aside from my closest long-time friends. Those friends were my life-line.  He was nice enough on occasion to keep me second guessing myself, and ultimately staying in that relationship. The new love, is everything BUT mean.

Just when you think your radar is strong enough to keep from ever being targeted again…when you think you are fortified enough to withstand any attack, here comes another one.

Rest assured, the next attack just might not be as blatant as the first. It could be disguised very well, showing itself as a loving and caring person, who says and does all the right things. It might just seem like that person has followed you around for your entire life, taking notes about everything that has ever meant anything to you. Love bombing. Mirroring. Then the lying and ultimate promises to never do “that” again. Tears will follow, when you express your displeasure with the whole thing. If you get down on yourself, be prepared for him to “one-up” you, appearing as the ultimate disheartened victim. “Feel sorry for me, I’m hurting.” Once you pull the plug, be prepared for the endless texts, expressing how he’s suicidal and is such a “piece of shit” for ever hurting you and ultimately losing you.

The hard part? Even though you are and have been completely aware of set ups against you for a future smear campaign; Even though you have endured snide controlling gestures, only to have them turned around against you, “God, can’t you take a fucking JOKE?”, for whatever reason it was THAT person to make you come alive again. To trust again. Everything seems perfect. It’s this aspect, and the thought that it was all a lie to begin with, that will have you teetering and grasping for straws. it’s hard to give up on something and someone you believed so strongly in. You know what you know. You’ve been in that same exact place before. You see all of the beacons flashing around you. You’re gut has been tied up for months, by this time, yet it’s hard to give up, isn’t it? To admit that you were “taken” again.

You know the same old script. It’s been playing in your mind since the first careless cruel series of lies. Each subtle control attempt only adds to your mental, emotional and psychological distress. You know full well, how this would play out. Seriously, do you REALLY want to go through that again? REALLY?? Our memories of previous abuse, aids to alert us of future, potential danger. What happened in the past, when you chose to give copious amounts of “second chances”? When you fell for the empty promises again, followed by tears? Did things ever change? Do you honestly believe his exclamation that you are the magic elixir to finally help him see the error of his ways, like he proclaims? To finally “heal” him, magically, of all of his subtle attempts to control? Or cure him of his lying, (which he really didn’t understand was wrong…really). Refer to that same script.  How does the story end, EACH AND EVERY TIME??!! Let me fill in the blank, here: THINGS ALWAYS GET WORSE! The longer you placate the situation, the better he will become at destroying who you are. your identity.

You choose the ending to THIS story. Just as I am choosing the ending to mine. Do I like the ending? No! Do I wish things were different? Absolutely! A miracle happened in me, as a result of the time I have spent with this person. I discovered that my heart isn’t dead. It’s bruised again, but not dead.

Like a textbook case, the man is trying to get reactions out of me, even now. He’s texting me, saying he’ll be dying soon, followed by silence. My instinct (or normal reaction) is to run to his aid, to make sure he’s not harming himself. My knowledge is telling me that this is all to push for a response from me. It’s hard. It hurts very badly. I know what I know. I trust my gut at this point. Does that mean that I have magically stopped caring for and about this man? I wish I could turn that off. Believe me. The fact is, I still care. To ignore his attempts goes completely against who I have always been. Nevertheless, it has to be this way.

Lesson plan implemented. Test passed with an acceptable grade.

Moving on…

Beware…


Beware of feeling like you have finally “arrived”. Beware of feeling as though you have finally tackled every known obstacle and have grown enough to be able to tackle any unknown one. Beware of becoming haughty or arrogant in any fashion.

The life of recovery from emotional and psychological abuse is far from quick, easy or even the least bit predictable. I began to believe that as long as I had my “bitch face” on, I was nigh untouchable. The truth is, I was and am very penetrable. When you feel as though your boundaries, walls and barriers are so thick that you will always be safe; beware. Even the tallest and thickest of walls are penetrable by something or someone. Any fortress is conquerable. Even those that we build for ourselves.

I find myself falling back into some of the same old patterns. I can see and perceive some if not all manipulation tactics, but my heart got in the way early on. It’s hard to trust what you see. Being in the position of a recovering survivor, places you in a bit of a precarious position.

When you are a new-ish survivor, you have your “narc-dar” on. That is; being on high alert to any antisocial personalities out there. Any potential narcissists or Psychopaths. What I found myself doing was second-guessing my original perceptions about others, based on what I know as Narcissistic and abusive traits. The internal dialogue went something like this, “Not EVERYONE is like ‘that’. Am I making judgments based on my past?” and, “This is unfair of me to label others like this…” So, I walked right back into the trap of second guessing my base intuition about “bad” people. At the very least, others who are not healthy for ME to associate with. Namely my most recent man-friend.

This has been compounded by the fact that this man was able to penetrate my impenetrable shield. My personally built, enhanced fortress. I fell in love with a sales pitch. Nothing more.

I’m about 2 years out from the ending of my relationship with a Machiavellian. A Psychopath. Earlier this year, I was still uneasy in social settings and still battling triggers. I thought I was a walking, impenetrable fortress, who was completely closed off to ANY male’s advances (romantic hopefuls or just chance conversation), outside of “arm’s-length” encounters. I thought I was stuck that way for the rest of my life. I was ok with that. I was safe in my little psychological and emotional fox-hole. I had my defense mechanisms firmly in place. Or so I thought.

That was only when my heart wasn’t involved. It was hidden.

Just because I “felt” safe, doesn’t mean that I no longer had the need to be loved and accepted. To have someone else in my corner, keeping me safe. The person I found, immediately found my inner-most desires, and played them like a harp. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. Only THEN did the little subtleties start showing. The jabs and the ever-so-slight attempts at being controlling. We can’t forget the throngs of lies. The first red-flag showed itself, early on, “Stand up straight”. I nipped THAT one quickly. “I’m 46 years old. I think I’ve LONG since been past the point of having someone tell me to stand up straight.” That sort of thing continued, off and on. I saw some things come up that appeared as a set up, to be used at a future date. I caught onto that one, too, immediately. The subtle gas-lighting attempts. Treating me like a child, telling me to “go wash your hands” when I was already at the door, hand on the knob, to WASH MY HANDS before eating. It’s what I do, and have always done. He had to get the command in, prior to me actually doing it even though I was OBVIOUSLY there. Karaoke, the KJ would come to me and ask which song I wanted to do next. My man-friend would interrupt me, by telling the KJ what song to put up. Or I would tell my man-friend which song I wanted to sing and he would reply, “No”.

I have been aware all along, of the red-flags. I have tried to break it off with my man-friend, but now he’s “promising” to earn my trust again. There have been tears shed by him, and absolute begging. His words are full of love and promises, “You are the only one for me”, accompanied by emotional distance and controlling behavior. “If you love me like you said you did, you’d give me another chance.” To that, I responded, “If you loved me like you said you did, we wouldn’t BE HERE!”…

I have been fighting my internal battles over this. I know what I know and I’ve learned some very valuable lessons. Beware when your heart gets in the way. You want to protect the other’s feelings. You want to be fair and understanding, even to your own detriment. It’s an old hat that I’m wearing, with a dusting of established new boundaries. I’m laying out the boundaries and enforcing them, yet I’ve failed to walk away and stand my ground in doing so.

Be aware of when you feel content in your fox-hole. There are wolves in sheep’s clothing who know the right way to act, to earn your trust. You will be tested by the cosmos when you believe you have “arrived” in your new armor.

 

 

 

Day one, Step one…


These words are from Alanis Morrisette’s song, Not as we. The rest of the song doesn’t fit, however, as it’s about starting over after an abusive relationship. I believe my last relationship could have become abusive, according to some of the things the guy was saying and doing. He is entirely Narcissistic. He tried to set me up on a few occasions, in ways that sparked some triggers. I heard what he said in response to a situation HE created, and recognized it immediately! He set it up. He blamed me. Sounded too de’ja’vue-ish to ignore. I should have ended it, then. That was before I knew ex-wife #2 was still living at his house, and WAY before he told me, “She knows about you…”. I chose to wait it out, to be “sure”. Boy, doesn’t THAT sound all too familiar?!

I’m having a hard time staying on topic. Yes, I’m still mulling everything over in my mind.

Where was I, before the speed bump? I was facing, meeting and exceeding challenges and expectations. I Had a few nerve-racking plateaus, not being able to see the end of the road. Occasionally I stopped moving, while still looking for a new direction. I was pushing positivity and encouragement for myself and others.

Today, I find myself in a bit of a whirlwind. I know I made the right choice. Now, where to go from here? I think the first step is take care of me, my dog and my wonderful little house. My boyfriend has never stopped trying to convince me to move in, which he was doing only a few weeks after starting to see eachother. I’m grateful that I recognized that as the red-flag it was, and didn’t let him win. I still have my house, wonderful landlords and peace.

I’m thankful for opened eyes and being able to trust myself enough to do what I needed to do. I didn’t second-guess myself too much, in this. I don’t like just jumping to conclusions about someone, so I wait it out in order to see the reality of things be proved. Time will tell, as they say. I’m grateful that I still have my house, now, and that I didn’t fall so hard and “blindly” that I failed think about myself or my own well-being.

One step closer to being the person I was meant to be, all along.