Back to square one

The cool thing about that is that I don’t think it will be as long or as grueling a process. Its all a matter of knowing what needs to be done and then applying it. The difficulty is in the application.

It’s easy to go No Contact , when you already dislike (understatement from hell) the person. How about when you actually adore that person? When you know what you are seeing and have experienced directly, yet it still goes against what you believed about that person all along, it’s hard to see them in a negative light, really. I mean to actually feel disdain over hurt, is something that doesn’t exist, doesn’t exist in this particular case. You hurt, yet you don’t hold them in disdain. You lash out when you see the true level of their “love” for you is nothing but superficial. It’s frustrating beyond belief, when you still want to believe everything will be and is ok, yet that same person is using reflection against you, when you try to talk to them about their behavior and treatment of you. Analytical people are prone to going into mental and emotional tail-spins because of this type of thing.

For me, falling for a man at all, was a miracle. I didn’t want to have to see that fact as nothing more than being placed into a type of testing scenario. But I have been tested.

I’m still grasping at straws, even though I’m the one who called things off. I wasn’t nice about it at all. Actually almost sounded out of control. I know I have to stay “no contact”, even though I still want things back to the way we were, before everything changed. I have caught him a couple of attempts of a ‘set-up’ against me. He’s tried to tell me that I took things wrong, when he would interrupt me when someone asked me a question, and answered for me, telling the other person what I would do. He decided for me, when I was sitting right there. Didn’t let me speak at all. “I didn’t realize that was so important to you”, referring lying or subtle attempts to control me. He also said, when I tried to talk to him about it, “You took that wrong. That’s not how I meant it. It was meant as a suggestion.” Really? Since when is “Go wash your hands”, or, “Stand up straight” A suggestion? An opinion (as he also said)? He told me that I never said anything about it, and he didn’t know it was important. As if I was over the top, being unreasonable. Nope. The fact remains that I’m 46…FORTY SIX YEARS OLD! This was never a relationship comparable to father and daughter interaction. It’s natural to expect and anticipate a certain level of decency in a relationship. I shouldn’t have had to say, “Don’t boss me around or treat me like I’m 10 years old. Don’t control my thoughts, speech, stance or decisions.” It should just be understood. Its the same with blatant lying and sneaking around. If the guy is making ridiculous excuses for his behavior, and trying to convince you that he’s naive about that, it’s BULL-SHIT! When he tries to convince you that it didn’t really happen “that way”, blaming your supposed misconceptions, for the pain you feel due to his mistreatment of you, and not owning it for himself… That’s also bull-shit. Blame shifting. Gas-lighting. Controlling behavior, no matter how subtle. Lying and sneaking, obviously and blatantly, or covert and subtle. It’s still wrong. It’s still psychologically abusive and very damaging.

Sorry. I got off track a bit.

No contact. It has to be done. I know the this side of the variable script.

The person I fell for, doesn’t exist. It was an act. It was a game where my heart was the hockey-puck.

No contact. Who do I talk to, now, to keep from texting him or calling? That’s another problem I have. It’s important to have someone to fall back on, in order to keep from talking to the person.

The fact remains; I wasn’t destroyed. Just shaken. I hurt but I don’t have to reaffirm who I am to myself this time. Even though I got off track in my recovery process, I’m still ok. Just dented and dinged.

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4 thoughts on “Back to square one

  1. freedomfly13

    Hi there….lifebegins45. I’m really new to this site (as far as blogging goes). I stumbled upon your blog about a week ago. I’ve spent hours upon hours reading everything I can find. I read the article you recently posted. I’m sorry you are going through this again. You are a talented writer and you are an inspiration. I’ve been involved with my P for over 2 years now. I have tried on numerous occasions to break away. I think the longest I ever succeeded was for about 3 weeks. I could write a small novel to explain everything that has transpired in the time I’ve been involved with him. I guess in a nutshell I’ve read many books on sociopathy/ psychopathy, researched, researched and more researching online for information. At this point in time I truly believe a lot of it is looking for validation. I have no one to talk to about this. The times I’ve tried I’ve been met with “well, just quit seeing him!”, “you’re smarter than this…why do you stay with him?”, “we just need to find you a nice guy to date”, yadda yadda yadda. I DO WANT so bad to get away from him! I thought if I brought a subject up last night that would probably start an argument then I or he would get mad enough to end it. (stupid, I know….immature too..) Well, that didn’t go in my favor as it was the conversation from HELL! By the time it was over he had told me over and over that I’m emotionally unstable, I’m like a dark cloud of negativity, I just love drama, I won’t let anything go…(like him blurting out of the blue one day that he had seen the neighbor lady naked and that she has a “real nice ‘private part’ (don’t know if I should say it on here or not) and a “perfect ass” and his only regret is that he didn’t get a picture of her “real nice” private part. Whenever I have tried to discuss what ever possessed him to tell me those things he tells me that, again, I’m emotionally unstable ’cause all he was doing was sharing with me and no one else would get upset over something like that, etc. I keep waiting for him to bring another woman home (like he’s done before) (he lives directly across from me in a modular home park) to be my out. He’s highly intelligent and has this uncanny ability to just know what’s going on in my head. He knows I’m trying to pull away and he’s making sure he keeps the line taut. He WILL eventually bring someone new in, I know it, I’m constantly waiting for that to happen. He just wants to keep things on an even keel with me as I’m highly convenient being so close to him. As he’s told me before “1” is never enough. Ok, I think I’ve gone completely off track or something. I’m supposed to follow the article, right? Is there a board or something where we can talk with one another? Thanks again for your inspiration and honesty.

    1. Hi Freedomfly13 🙂 Thank you for following, and for your comment…

      I am sorry you are in this place! But the fact that you are researching, and commenting means that you are very close to getting away and STAYING away from this nut-job! I have to say that your guy sounds SOOO much like my X psycho! He was continuously telling me about how “mentally unstable” I was, How I couldn’t just “let things go” and so on. I know the place you are in.

      It sounds like you aren’t living with the guy. WAHOOOO!! Do you realize how much strength you have, just because of that one fact?!!

      The whole reason I started on wordpress was #1 to know I wasn’t alone (at least, at the time I had hoped I would find someone who understood), and #2 to put my experiences from that point on, in a place that others could find easily. I needed the validation, too. I needed to know that I really wasn’t crazy, and I really experienced what happened…

      No, you aren’t crazy, nor are you emotionally or psychologically disturbed…

      I have to apologize for the disjointedness of my comment. I’m commenting on your comment as I re read it… 😀

      Those out of the blue comments he just loves to make about other women, are there just to keep you off-guard. He’s trying to play you and your emotions to keep you pliable. I also tried to argue, in order to break away. I tried several different things during our time together. Go silent. Argue. Reason. Pick fights and so-on. I even tried to sound depressed, which wasn’t too hard. I just played it to a “t”, hoping he would run. Nope. Yes I was depressed and suicidal before I left him. Every time, he either argued me into a corner, backing me down or when I would go quiet, refusing to see him, he would have stupid flowers waiting for me…notes…etc, to try to keep me hanging on. What that did was cause me to second guess what I already knew. I second guessed my perceptions about him, “Maybe he really isn’t as bad as I’m making him out to be…” Then I would give him another chance. You know as well as I do what happens when we do that. You could probably write a book about it, huh? Not to worry, sweety. You aren’t alone!

      In the end…what is really keeping you hanging on? For me, it was fear of the unknown. I didn’t know what he was capable of, and I was afraid of what he might do. The biggest hurdle, however, was my OWN fear of negativity and confrontation. When I finally realized that he had no natural, human boundaries and was capable of absolutely anything, my only option was to run… Sounds like yours isn’t too unlike mine…

      The best advise I can give you from here… Realize that anything he says, does, etc. is only to get a reaction out of you. To play you or manipulate you into acting a certain way, for a desired outcome. Don’t play. Don’t respond. Drop any and all responses to him as “yes” “no”… or don’t say anything at all. Since you don’t live together, you can tell him that you need some time to miss him, in order to be close to him again. Mine fell for that, lock stock and barrel. He did, however, show up at my house during that, but I took control. I made him leave my home when I was done with him. It helped me to emotionally detach from the situation, in order to finally get away.

      I hope this helps you.
      I do have a group I’d like to invite you to, but will need your email address to do it, if possible. You can find the link on my gravitar profile.. “stepping stones 101”, facebook.

      It’s a new group.

      Thank you again! You are getting stronger by the day, whether you realize it or not…

      1. freedomfly13

        Thank you soooo much, lifebegins45! I can’t tell you how much your reply means to me. It feels so comforting and yes validating to hear directly from someone else that has or is experiencing this nightmare. You said:

        ” What that did was cause me to second guess what I already knew. I second guessed my perceptions about him, “Maybe he really isn’t as bad as I’m making him out to be…” Then I would give him another chance. You know as well as I do what happens when we do that.”

        That is EXACTLY what happened last night with our argument. By the time he was done I started to feel exactly like you said and I got so anxious and felt like I was entering into another panic attack. I couldn’t put a sentence together in my head, I was so confused, uncertain about everything. I started to actually think maybe he was right about me. That I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. I tried writing all this down (last night) to try to make some sense but I couldn’t get anything onto paper. He took someone (me) that knows and has known for awhile now about his pathology and had me thinking that possibly “I” was the one who was disordered. He told me that “You’re emotionally unstable but that’s ok ’cause I still like you” Today, I sent him a text (even though the biggest part of me was screaming not to… 😦 and told him that sometimes I think he does these things to upset me so that I will walk away. Looking back now on it I think I did it because, even though in my head I know he simply doesn’t care, my heart wanted him to tell me I was wrong and he doesn’t want to lose me. Now ‘that’ IS crazy talk! To think a psychopath would ever HONESTLY, FROM THE HEART, say something like that! He replied by sending me a pic of a certain part of himself and texted “I just wish you would stop all this silliness and relax” I haven’t heard from him since then. At least I’ve fought any and all desires to contact him. Even though to anyone on the outside that has never experienced this, it wouldn’t seem so I DO WANT THIS TO END WITH HIM! I want myself back! He’s had possession of me far too long. I, too, am afraid of him and what he is capable of doing. He has made several subtle threats over the past year. For example, one time he was explaining his ambidexterity to me and said: “for example, if I’m writing I use my left hand, and if I were to beat you to death I would use my right hand” It was said in such a way that I didn’t really realize what he had actually said until a while after he had left. Ok, I’m rambling again with my thoughts….I’m going to join your group on facebook. I’ll go there now.

        Thanks again for your words of encouragement!

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