The cool thing about that is that I don’t think it will be as long or as grueling a process. Its all a matter of knowing what needs to be done and then applying it. The difficulty is in the application.
It’s easy to go No Contact , when you already dislike (understatement from hell) the person. How about when you actually adore that person? When you know what you are seeing and have experienced directly, yet it still goes against what you believed about that person all along, it’s hard to see them in a negative light, really. I mean to actually feel disdain over hurt, is something that doesn’t exist, doesn’t exist in this particular case. You hurt, yet you don’t hold them in disdain. You lash out when you see the true level of their “love” for you is nothing but superficial. It’s frustrating beyond belief, when you still want to believe everything will be and is ok, yet that same person is using reflection against you, when you try to talk to them about their behavior and treatment of you. Analytical people are prone to going into mental and emotional tail-spins because of this type of thing.
For me, falling for a man at all, was a miracle. I didn’t want to have to see that fact as nothing more than being placed into a type of testing scenario. But I have been tested.
I’m still grasping at straws, even though I’m the one who called things off. I wasn’t nice about it at all. Actually almost sounded out of control. I know I have to stay “no contact”, even though I still want things back to the way we were, before everything changed. I have caught him a couple of attempts of a ‘set-up’ against me. He’s tried to tell me that I took things wrong, when he would interrupt me when someone asked me a question, and answered for me, telling the other person what I would do. He decided for me, when I was sitting right there. Didn’t let me speak at all. “I didn’t realize that was so important to you”, referring lying or subtle attempts to control me. He also said, when I tried to talk to him about it, “You took that wrong. That’s not how I meant it. It was meant as a suggestion.” Really? Since when is “Go wash your hands”, or, “Stand up straight” A suggestion? An opinion (as he also said)? He told me that I never said anything about it, and he didn’t know it was important. As if I was over the top, being unreasonable. Nope. The fact remains that I’m 46…FORTY SIX YEARS OLD! This was never a relationship comparable to father and daughter interaction. It’s natural to expect and anticipate a certain level of decency in a relationship. I shouldn’t have had to say, “Don’t boss me around or treat me like I’m 10 years old. Don’t control my thoughts, speech, stance or decisions.” It should just be understood. Its the same with blatant lying and sneaking around. If the guy is making ridiculous excuses for his behavior, and trying to convince you that he’s naive about that, it’s BULL-SHIT! When he tries to convince you that it didn’t really happen “that way”, blaming your supposed misconceptions, for the pain you feel due to his mistreatment of you, and not owning it for himself… That’s also bull-shit. Blame shifting. Gas-lighting. Controlling behavior, no matter how subtle. Lying and sneaking, obviously and blatantly, or covert and subtle. It’s still wrong. It’s still psychologically abusive and very damaging.
Sorry. I got off track a bit.
No contact. It has to be done. I know the this side of the variable script.
The person I fell for, doesn’t exist. It was an act. It was a game where my heart was the hockey-puck.
No contact. Who do I talk to, now, to keep from texting him or calling? That’s another problem I have. It’s important to have someone to fall back on, in order to keep from talking to the person.
The fact remains; I wasn’t destroyed. Just shaken. I hurt but I don’t have to reaffirm who I am to myself this time. Even though I got off track in my recovery process, I’m still ok. Just dented and dinged.