Life…

Sucks if you let it.

I’m thankful for my Mom. I’ve been in quite the tale-spin lately, followed by a shitty day yesterday. All day at work, I was choking back tears. People either thought my blood-shot eyes were from too much partying the night before, allergies or no sleep. Well, the ‘no sleep’ scenario isn’t too far off base. Such is the case, obviously, tonight. I slept for about 3 hours, woke up because of the rain and realized my windows were down in my car. Since I have a long trip ahead tomorrow with my granddaughter, I didn’t want to spend it with a wet butt. I got up and am still awake. I talked to my Mom last night, who’s pearls of wisdom consisted of, “I know it hurts. I’m happy you didn’t move in with him! Oh my god, could you imagine what life would be like for you? Now, be strong. You walked away from him, because you saw everything that was going on. Stop crying.” Lots of wisdom, there.

Stop crying.

He’s not worth my tears, as he so painstakingly proved.

I understand now, why people have a hard time letting go of a Narcissist. I went from escaping a Psychopath about 2 years ago, to dating a full-blown Narcissist. It’s amazing how many tactics are used, similarly, by both personalities. He’ll smear me to his closest friends. I have no doubt. The fact that I’m not close to anyone at work, will enable him to say what he wants without one person standing by my side.

Been there. Done that.

When I refer to Narcs and Psych’s as different personalities, I am looking at it from that standpoint that; not all Narcissists are Psychopaths, but ALL psychopaths are Narcissists. One shows some empathy (from what I see). The other would rather nail Bambi to a wall, with a smirk.

The fact that I’ve already lived through each tactic, previously, has allowed me to catch each attempt this time. I didn’t miss a beat, when I shut down his attempts. Some, however, were pretty subtle and hard to define as what they really were. It was a mistake for me to allow for the love-bombing in the first place. I didn’t call things “done” the first time he tried to set me up for a fall. (ie: badgering me into drinking that second drink because it was bought FOR me, then turning it around as though it was my fault and I should be grateful that he wasn’t mad at me. Then, “You know, you were really stupid to let yourself get that drunk”: That ladies and gentlemen, is a set up for a future smear campaign). I should have been strong enough in my own boundaries to end it, then and there. I KNEW it was a set up, but still fell into the trap of second guessing…”HE wouldn’t do THAT! He loves me!” If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck…

I couldn’t stand the thought that I just might have walked into another one of those situations. But, in reality, I DID! I should have nipped it in the bud, immediately. Instead, I fell into the same old pattern of “give it time”. He begged for me to give him another chance, to earn my trust. In reality, he was just wanting more time to look good, so he could turn things around on me.

His first wife became an alcoholic while with him. Yes, she was predisposed to having the addiction eventually, because of family history, but she WASN’T, then. He claims that was the reason he divorced her. But there’s the other woman, who was waiting and had already been chosen and groomed, waiting to move in. I can compare my experience to what I know of his first ex-wife… He PUSHED ME TO DRINK! Then, when I complied to allow HIM to save face, he turned it around on me. What do you think happened with his first ex-wife? She didn’t just magically become an alcoholic. I believe he created that. She was just too weak in that area, while wanting to make him happy, and allowed him to dictate who she was to become. She’s still stuck in “jilted wife” mode. Drinking heavily. It’s been five years since their divorce. I don’t hold her current condition against her. I have seen first hand, what he does. My heart goes out to her.

Where to go from here? Eh, hem…”Day one, step one” Process. Heal. Take care of me.

Gawd! Can I call for a “do-over”?

One day at a time, one step at a time. Breathe in, Breathe out.

Repeat

repeat

repeat…

 

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