I began this blog in the hopes that I could, #1, find some “kindred spirits” SOME where… also, I wanted to document my journey, so others who might be going through the beginning of their own, might find some validation for their own situations… Unfortunately, not every day is going to be full of smiles, rainbows and abounding strength.
Since breaking up with my last man-friend, I have been entirely depressed. I have had good days… but only when I don’t think about him. Unfortunately, those days don’t come very often. The rest of the time, I have been beside myself with crying, and endless ruminating… I am still in “recovery” from the Psychopath of 2 years ago. Now, enter the effects of an unadulterated Narcissist, and I am in a world of hurt. Today, this entry finds me in the midst of a road-block. Be that as it may, I know I did the right thing. That doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt like hell… Yeah, I broke up with him. So, why am I crying?
I remember the day…pretty early on… when I felt my heart run to him. Up until that point, I was entirely closed off, but hoping that there was still some life left in the remnants of my psyche and heart. I wouldn’t be disappointed… yet… I adored this man. I felt safe with him and around him, prior to ever going out with him. I trusted someone who hadn’t proven to be trustworthy. I gave him blind trust . This was after the text-book “love bombing” and mirroring. I saw the love-bombing and attempts to move the relationship way too fast; ie: getting me to move in/marry him immediately (within the first couple of months). At the very least, I’m glad I stood my ground, there. I knew time hadn’t proven things between us, and I hadn’t seen his “other” side. Unfortunately, I still fell head-over-heels for this man. I fell HARD!
The end came just as quickly as everything else, though I gave him endless chances to “earn my trust” again. regardless of his apologies, begging and tears, as well as my bending to try to save our once wonderful “God ordained” relationship, it was over once his lying problem became apparent. Once I fell hard and was in his trance (forgive the analogy, please… that’s just how it feels, now), the lying started. Actually, I found out he lied to me from the beginning, but by the time I realized, I was already too far “gone”. With every plea he had, as to his supposed “remorse” for hurting me; each time I gave him a chance to “earn my trust”, he countered with another scheme… another stunt to embarrass me, set me up for a fall, or used me to gain approval with the masses. He loves his audience most of all.
When I finally got away from the Psychopath, I wasn’t left with any sort of mourning for a lost love. I mourned the ME that I lost, during that time. It was relatively easy to put each foot in step, in the process of healing. Now, it’s not so easy. Even though I broke up with my latest boyfriend, I AM mourning… entirely.
I found love when I didn’t believe it was possible. My heart ran to a man who I believed in. I fell for a Narcissist. After a few months, this fact rang loud and clear… but I was and am still full of “love” with no-where for it to rest or go. I can’t say I still love this man, though he is the subject. I fell for a lie, pure and simple. Everything he said to me was an attempt to gain favor with me. It worked. Since everything was a lie, I can’t say I loved him…even though for all intents and purposes, I did and still do. In the middle of the best part of our relationship, when I believed whole-heartedly that I FINALLY found my soul-mate, the world fell out from under me. It was just that fast. I am stuck grasping at straws, now. I mourn the relationship we had. I miss the man I thought I knew. But most of all, the “coming out” of my heart was wasted, entirely, on another man who has/had no respect for women…much less, me.
My best friend (only friend in this town) is getting ready to move 2 states away, in 4 more days. I have no one, now, to lean on. It’s just me, and I’m a mess. I’ve tried to talk to her, only to hear in response about her “happy’s”. She can’t hear me. I’m in a job that was all but destroyed because of my x-psychopath. I can’t talk to anyone at work. No one likes me at work, and I’m not being overly dramatic, here. It’s a fact. The only appease I have is, when I spend time with my Mom, or when poking fun with customers. When I come home, I am hit with every memory of a time that was heavenly, only to have to give up on it for “my own benefit”. It was what had to be done in spite of the pain I’m in.
The other side of recovery that I speak of, is when you are at your wits end, when everything seems to fall apart around you, and again… suicide seems like a plausible way out. Somewhere deep inside of me, still, is the fight to make it. I’m clinging onto that small spark, now. It’s very difficult. I’m trying to find a way to get some help. There’s no shame in that, I know. I just didn’t want to have to resort to this.
Please, if you don’t hear anything else from this post, understand that our hearts CAN deceive us..especially when they are fragile from endless abuses. I was fragile, but I didn’t want to admit it.