No contact over the Holidays


This will be short…

Over the holidays, it is generally, socially acceptable and accepted to show good will toward others, including enemies. There’s really no social distinction separating anyone from that cordiality. We were raised to be polite and caring over the holidays, especially. Does that include our Narcissistic ex’s? Psychopaths? Any kind of abuser? NOOOO!!

Since Narcissists are so good at projecting a caring, warm, sincere persona to everyone, the choice not to return the well-wishes, or initiate them, will seem as though you are over-reacting or being rude, to others who are watching. You might feel pressured to return the wishes, just because of the guilt associated with NOT returning them. For your sake, do NOT initiate or return ANY thoughtful gesture or well-wishes over the holidays. They are counting on your polite and caring nature to guilt you into responding (reacting). If you do break ‘no-contact’ to be polite, what will happen? Chances are, you’ve already been there and know the abuse that follows, even months down the road. You will become ensnared again, and the abuse always, ALWAYS comes.

The monsters will try to use the Holidays to bait you into reacting. It’s THAT action, and the impending mental/emotional barrage that will follow as a result, which is the whole reason that you should NEVER EVER break no-contact, even over the holidays!!

If you are being successful in staying ‘no-contact’, congratulations!!! If it’s only been 3 days… CONGRATULATIONS!! Give yourselves a pat on the back, and a favorite chocolate bar!! You’re doing well 😀 Don’t break ‘no-contact’ for any reason. Ever.

I’ll delve into this subject a little deeper, later.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

 

Peace after going ”no contact”


I’ve been thinking about the “no-contact RULE” lately. The reason being is, that I don’t believe there is an actual defined and definite rule that fits for everyone. I have read blogs that were for meant for talking about “hard” subjects, in accordance with the journey we all go through in the aftermath of a psychologically abusive relationship. These blogs are wonderful to help survivors to be able to expedite their own recovery. However, as to the subject of “no contact”, these same blogs were condemnatory toward survivors who were still struggling with that very subject.

In the process of ending contact with my last fiasco, as I have always done, I analyzed every response and attempt I tried. I “watched” as an outsider, taking notes on my own struggles, what finally worked for me to go no contact, and what happened as a result. I must tell you, though, this time around, for whatever reason, was more freeing for me, in the end!

One would think that I would have to completely rebuild, start over, etc. after a second go-round. At first, I was truly in a horrible place, again, fighting to make sense of things. Why someone who claimed to love me so much, could go through such extremes to hurt and bait me into a reaction, for no other reason but his personal “need” to be satisfied, much like a vampire. I felt like the entire “coming out” of my heart, was a complete waste. I was robbed and cheated. As if I would never get another chance to be whole again. That I would be bitter forever. Jaded. Cynical.

After each time of manipulation, gas-lighting and baiting for a reaction, I attempted to go “no-contact”. But I loved this man, as he SHOWED ME a man I longed for my entire life. I missed “that” person. That person disappeared as quickly as I fell for him. It was as though the initial love I developed for this person, was exactly what he wanted to see. You see, even THAT was something he used to get a reaction. The mirroring, tailoring everything he said and did, after my deepest desires, really was a baiting session. His desired reaction from me, WAS to have me fall deeply for him. Once he got that reaction, it was time to move on to harder, more hurtful ones. Since he already got me to fall for him, he could stop all the mirroring and caring gestures, and replace it with malicious mental and emotional games, hurting me for a reaction. Repetitively.

He played me like a deck of cards. He didn’t win, though for a time, he had the upper hand. I would go silent after each session (I don’t know what else to call it). I stayed silent, at times for as long as a week. Even though he blame-shifted directly following my over-the-top reaction, when I went silent and stopped talking to him, he would counter with texts and phone calls full of self-loathing and begging. Empty promises were his next playing field. He played into my natural empathy and sympathetic heart, still believing that this person was “normal”. He would beg for second, third, and forth chances to prove his love for me. To “earn” my trust. The thing is, each time I fell for those stupid lines, never once did he actually work to win my trust. He still had me where he wanted me, and it was back to business as usual.

Again and again, I tried to initiate ‘no-contact’. Again and again, I fell for his seemingly sincere remorse for hurting me.

I was in a mental and emotional war at this point. I KNEW and RECOGNIZED that what he was doing was, at least, manipulative. I mistakenly thought the problems lied in the subjects, or his chosen responses. Lying, stupidly, about gawking at another woman’s ass, as she walked past us. He made both disgustingly obvious. It wasn’t that he wasn’t able to control himself in either the gawking, or the lies immediately following. Both scenarios were put in place by him, to see how I would react, and nothing more. The reason he made both so unmistakably obvious, is so I wouldn’t mistake them as innocent. So I would KNOW he lied and KNOW he gawked. I didn’t see that right away. It was actually after his last stunt, that he himself gave me the answer to every other time, and finally my eyes were opened to the “real” story. It wasn’t in the act. It was his intentions BEHIND the act. He just skillfully and methodically put those actions into play, as a chess player would do, to get his opponent to counter with  a move he could use. It’s strategic, methodical and malicious. I was a toy and a tool. Nothing more than that. 

Still, even with all of this knowledge and epiphanies, I was still struggling with no-contact. I analyzed this, too, while I was in the middle of it. Why did I still feel the need to contact him? I was angry. I was hurt and I had insatiable questions that longed for answers. I needed to know what I was looking for from him, when I would, again, text, call or email him. I couldn’t completely define what I was looking for, but I knew the direction. I wanted to see remorse, that so far he was so devoid of showing, except for those times I would go silent. Silence from me, initiated the fake remorse response from him. Every time. I wanted him to admit to what he had been doing and understand how he was hurting me. I already knew by his habitual actions, hurting me was just a consequence to his game. His intention wasn’t necessarily to hurt me, though he knew he would.. it was all for the reaction. He knew it would hurt me, and didn’t care. It was the “all’s fair in love and war”. I had given up on getting the man I fell for, back, as he never existed in the first place.

My last attempt to contact him was with a defined purpose. I emailed him with a proposed excuse he could use. It was designed to bait HIM into answering MY questions. I suggested that he had emotional issues left over from abuse he endured at the hands of his mother. Psychological and emotional abuse. I was partially serious, in that I truly believe that it is at the root of all his compulsions to manipulate and control a woman’s emotions, just for kicks. I knew how he would respond. He didn’t address my proposed excuse. He immediately took the subject to blaming me, because “some people might take certain things wrong”. He recognized that words “mean things” and he needed to be more careful of MY feelings… as if everything hurt me, still, only because I was over-sensitive. AKA: blame shifting. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is in his mid-50’s. If he didn’t get the understanding that ‘words hurt’ by now, he would never get it. He was feigning innocence. I kept directing the conversation to his repeated actions, actually telling him about baiting me for a reaction. In his frustration, he counted each time, himself, and named each instance for me, while still claiming innocence and remorse (covered by sugar-coated blame-shifting and subtle accusations).

He knew. He knew all along, what he was doing. But I already knew that. In that texting conversation of ours, I got the validation I needed from him. #1, that he knew what he was doing and could recount each time without provocation from me. #2, Even though he claimed the desire to change, the fact that he was still shifting blame, told me he still had absolutely no desire to change. He would continue in his sadistic game, with me as his subject… as long as I allowed him to.

This was what I needed to finalize everything in my heart and mind. I found disdain and disgust for a man, where “love” used to be. My final text to him was two words, “Go away”. I meant it, and have had no desire to talk to him ever again. He actually turns my stomach.

I DO NOT recommend doing this, in order to help your situations at all!! I was lucky and understand that completely. It is exponentially better to TRUST WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW without needing any validation from any source. Your gut will tell you whether the person you are with is “bad” or “good” for you. Whether or not you are in extreme anxiety when you are with this person, or if you feel safe and content, should tell you when to walk away or stay. In taking the route that I did, that final day, I placed myself at risk.

The validation we crave, is found in the CYCLE OF ABUSE! His repeated offences without verifiable remorse or any inkling of a conscience, should be all the validation we need, in order to cut ties completely. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, many times we are still not satisfied with the obvious. We have to beat it to a pulp before we exhaust ourselves into having no other choices. Then, in our exhausted state, we are able to go no contact for a short time. We are weary, then. We are heart-sick. I understand this cycle of abuse/survivor. It’s all in the trauma bond that we inherited.

For me, the aftermath of this last fiasco has brought me PEACE! I don’t understand exactly what enabled that, or why. Once I was able to view him as pond-scum, I stopped caring about any potential smear campaigns. I stopped caring about being shunned at work. I am still ever vigilant in keeping a watchful eye, but not so much with fear. Its maintaining control. Not over everyone else, but in being aware of who is around me. Even those areas that were still being affected by the psychopath of my past, have changed into something else. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of others, what they might say or do.

I’m finally, truly free. I don’t care about how my most recent ex-boyfriend is feeling, or whether or not he truly loves me. i don’t care anymore, that he’s still scheming for something or someone to continue to feed him his meal of emotional reactions. He’s sent me 3 texts in the last 2 weeks. The latest one(s) are exclaiming his undying love for me, begging me to talk to him again. I see him as pathetic, now, with absolute disgust for his attempts. He has to know he failed in the game.

I will give him time to walk away, and honor my request that he leave me alone. If he continues to call or text after a certain amount of time, he will be met with a letter, certified return receipt requested, demanding that he honor my wishes. It will be notarized. From there, I will take whatever steps that are necessary. It still is painful to some degree, when he tries to contact me. It keeps those painful spots inside of me, still raw. I don’t want or need that in my life. It’s unfair of him to continue to try to bait me for any reason. But, he was never “fair” or “just” in his actions to begin with, was he?

Struggling with going “No Contact”


I understand that going “no-contact” is the desired response when ending a toxic relationship, whether it was you or they who were “ousted”. It’s the healthiest thing to avoid talking to that person, spending time with that person and so-on. It’s also the most recommended avenue in healing yourself.

I understand the guilt associated, when going “no-contact” is difficult. You may go back to that relationship several times, before being able to walk away entirely. There is such a thing as ‘trauma bonding‘. Folks, this is a REAL PROBLEM, though it exists for so many survivors, in the aftermath of an abusive relationship! It’s what creates the overwhelming “need” to get back in touch with the Psychopath or Narcissist. It’s what is left when you are devalued and discarded, after you have tried SO HARD TO END THE ABUSE, by coddling him, loving or being understanding about the abuse. “He has been through a lot. He’s just having a hard time trusting due to the pain he still has”.. or what-have you. You continue to call, email, show up at work, etc. hoping to MAKE HIM SEE HOW HE’S HURTING YOU, as if you will create an “ah-HAH!” moment for him, and he’ll find that ever illusive conscience and beg for your forgiveness. This is the struggle we face during the initial break up. After you have fed your heart to him on a silver platter, only to get that platter back, in the end, with nothing but grains.. It’s what comes from being unable to settle your spirit, or to be ok with knowing you were hurt and abused, by a man who showed so much “love” and understanding in the beginning. The confusion is also the battle between heart and mind. You know what you know, but your heart cannot fathom it, nor understand.

When you are in the initial stages of “no contact”, you are still in a whirlwind from the traumatic relationship. When you call, email, text or directly contact the abuser, it doesn’t help at ALL!! On a side note though, doing so can also give you the emotional tools to be able to hold the scum-bag in complete and utter disdain and in turn, be able to go ‘no-contact’. If this is the case, be sure you are asking very pointed questions of the abuser. YOU control the conversation. Look for things in his response that show acceptance of responsibility (you will never see him accept real responsibility) and/or awareness of the instances of baiting for a reaction. His responses will be subtle, but if you know what you are looking for, you will see a total dis-regard for you! He will continue to blame-shift and throw fake apologies. When you finally get the admission, and can see a total dis-regard for you or your well-being, then walk away and enjoy your FREEDOM! I wanted an admission, so I baited HIM into reacting in such a way that I GOT one. I actually got it, disguised as a fake apology and blame-shifting. He admitted to how many instances of baiting, and still suggested that I took a joke wrong (Since when is baiting for a reaction a joke? Especially when the abuser keeps up the badgering for days or even months, before they are satisfied that they got the desired reaction?) Definitely do this through text so you can review what was said, and avoid the direct emotional attacks, which are designed to confuse you or get you to..again..REACT. Do NOT talk with the individual in any other way! With that being said, if you are a strong, determined individual, you could struggle but still be able to maintain the desired “no-contact” just out of sheer determination. If this is YOU, then congratulations! You are already leaps and bounds beyond the majority of survivors. For the rest of those who are still in an emotional, psychological tailspin, It’s a daily fight. Many will continue to email the perpetrator, trying to get him to see the error of his ways, or find some reason to see for ourselves that we are over-reacting. What happens next? He has the where-with-all to continue to abuse us! Not only that, but he is also still getting the desired reactions from us without having to do a THING! We are willing participants in his disordered game, when we habitually contact the abuser. It’s what the entire purpose for his abuse was, throughout the entire time we were in the relationship. 

There is no shame associated with trauma-bonding. There is no shame to feel the need to contact the abuser. Please recognize, however, that in doing so, you are just acting as a momentary meal. It doesn’t change the status of your relationship, nor will he have some life-altering epiphany. The only one who will continue to be hurt, abused or have those deepest emotions picked at, is YOU!! You are still giving him his “fix”. You and your reactions! It’s hard NOT to react. I get that. In the case of dealing with a Psychopath/Sociopath or Narcissist, its IMPERATIVE that you understand this!

Going “no contact” can be compared to a drug addict, trying to kick the habit. Or a smoker. You will most likely fail in several attempts, before finally being able to stick to it. No shame, no guilt. But be prepared to cut ties completely, when you finally see him as scum. Remind yourself about why it’s best to stay away from him. If you have been able to be free of him for a few days, only to go back to “talk” to him, be aware of your emotions. How did you feel when you weren’t talking to him? How did you feel, after you talked again? Does he guilt you into talking again, only to have it work and “voila! You’re calling, texting, reassuring the asswipe that you don’t “hate” him? You are still reacting, and he’s STILL baiting you, even under the “niceties”.

Sweet heart, for your own sakes…

Don’t play the game!

http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/

Never judge a book by it’s cover


The saying, “Never judge a book by it’s cover”, has been around longer than I know. When phrases become “cliche'” and “an old saying”, folks tend to put them on the back burner, viewing them as old, worn out ideals, that don’t apply to ‘modern’ times. We ignore them, much of the time. This particular one has become another one of the ‘cliche’s’ but is, non-the-less, very true. In the realm of a new relationship, or potential there-of, it’s  imperative to listen.

Unfortunately, there are some of us who put too much stock in “first impressions”. We do it when meeting someone new. We do it when someone is ‘handsome’ or ‘pretty’. “Awww… he seems nice.” or “Man, what an ASS!”. When we get an impression of someone’s character or whether that person is nice or not, we cling to that ideal. We think it, therefore we are right. Right? Many times, we find out we couldn’t have been more WRONG! As it pertains to a new romance or friendship, giving things time to pan out is very important.

When we first meet ANYONE, that person is usually on their best behavior, especially when its a cordial meeting. Not so much with a chance meeting of your husband’s mistress. When it’s a cordial ‘meet and greet’ session, we smile, shake hands, exchange pleasant banter and move on. If there is some sort of ‘connection’, we may even exchange phone numbers. Unfortunately, some place a measure of trust in that person, right then and THERE. I can’t begin to tell you just how DANGEROUS THIS IS!

I used to trust everyone, until they proved they couldn’t or shouldn’t be trusted. Even then, I still explained and ‘poo-poo’d’ away certain unpleasantries, like; if someone was angry or spiteful toward me, with no perceivable reason, I attributed it to, “he/she is just having a bad day.”. Most times I was right, but there were times I was wrong. I always, ALWAYS believed the best about others. The last 2 years, looking back, I can clearly see subtleties that should have alerted me to a looming threat or even danger, when dealing with some of  those people I trusted. I was too busy ‘trusting‘ and ‘believing’ to see it.

Time went on, trusting these people with my secrets, dreams and even my family. These people talked with me, asking questions about this or that, or even joining me when I was discontent or angry with someone who had “done me wrong”. They would say, “I would hurt him if he ever came around you again” or “What a bitch”. They ALWAYS agree with you!!!! These same people are ‘johnny on the spot’ if you need or want anything. Even if you don’t want them to drive 2 hours to be by your side during an emotional time, they are there for you. They will sit and have coffee with you, and buy you surprise “thinking of you” gifts. They are ALWAYS, ALWAYS full of complements about how ‘beautiful’ you are, nice you are, and so on. Those of us who enjoy the attention, affection and smiles, are quick to think “best friend” or even, “soul-mate”.

Some people are sincere in SOME of the gestures. Others are trying to woo you into believing they are “wonderful”, “friend” and even, “soul-mate” on the outside, while inside they are plotting…something. Thieves will do this, to gain access into your home, or to gain information about whatever they want to defile. Narcissists and Psychopaths do this, to insure their newly found meal will stick around a while… It’s easier to conquer a kingdom from the inside. After all, the guards are watching outside the perimeter. Most wouldn’t think to watch those “friends” on the inside, with our families.

This is a rule I used to follow, and for whatever reason, it got put on the back-burner. If someone is OVERLY COMPLEMENTARY, IT IS BEST TO AVOID THAT PERSON… Nine times out of 10, that person is someone you shouldn’t trust. They are trying to woo you into trusting them, for another reason. The same applies, if someone agrees with you about EVERYTHING, be cautious or even just walk away entirely. NO 2 PEOPLE HAVE THE EXACT SAME VIEWS ON EVERYTHING!

I knew a man, once, who was exactly like this. He was constantly telling me just how wonderful I was to help by watching his daughter, and so on. He would complement my looks, my home, everything. It wasn’t the nice, heartfelt, occasional complement. It was to the point that I thought within myself, “God, would you STOP already?!”. It made me uncomfortable, and not because I was embarrassed. My skin literally crawled. One day, after 2 weeks of watching his daughter and not hearing from him at all, he finally showed up at my apartment to pick her up. I was cleaning my bathroom when he showed up and, as usual, I had taken my wedding ring off and placed it on the cabinet. He rang the doorbell, and I answered. He asked to use my bathroom and, without waiting for the ‘ok’, he dove in. After a considerable amount of time, he finally came out and left in a hurry… never to be seen again. It didn’t take me long to realize, “I didn’t hear anything… NOTHING”. I didn’t hear the usual sounds that came from a bathroom, when you are only 10-15 feet away. No ‘tinkle’, no flush, no running water. I felt very uneasy about my ring, but he didn’t give me any time to retrieve it before he dove in. Sure enough, my ring was gone… 

You can meet people dressed in designer clothes, complete with perfectly pasted smiles. He could  be a banker or a sales professional, full of smiles, and charismatic charm. He could also be the poor single dad who is fighting to stay afloat, for his childrens’ sake, doing what it takes to get by. He’s dirty and doesn’t smell very good, due to working in the heat. Lets pretend that you don’t know any details about either…

Enter the charismatic well dressed person. He might be a business professional. You have never met this person, but you like their suit very much. This person greets you with sincerity, shaking your hand and smiling a smile that would melt polar ice-caps. Directly behind the first, comes a very dirty man whose eyes never leave the floor’s sight. He is missing an incisor or two, never speaking a word. As he comes into the room, he quietly finds a seat, still never speaking to anyone, and comes to rest sitting away from others…

Here’s your chance to choose who you can trust… You only have a minute or two, to decide. Business-man? Or unkempt man? If you are like most people, you would choose to trust the one who is more visually appealing, or who appeals to your base human need to be addressed and noticed. The business person. Here’s the name of the Business man:

Ted Bundy

English: Ted Bundy in custody, Florida, 1978 o...

After graduating from UW in 1972[42] Bundy joined Governor Daniel J. Evans‘s reelection campaign.[43] Posing as a college student, he shadowed Evans’s opponent, former governor Albert Rosellini, recording his stump speeches for analysis by Evans’s team.[44][45] After Evans’s reelection he was hired as an assistant to Ross Davis, Chairman of the Washington State Republican Party. Davis thought well of Bundy, describing him as “smart, aggressive … and a believer in the system.”[46] In early 1973, despite mediocre Law School Admission Test scores, Bundy was accepted into the law schools of UPS and the University of Utah on the strength of letters of recommendation from Evans, Davis, and several UW psychology professors.[47][48] 

… Theodore Robert “Ted” Bundy (born Theodore Robert Cowell; November 24, 1946 – January 24, 1989) was an American serial killer, rapist, kidnapper, and necrophile who assaulted and murdered numerous young women and girls during the 1970s and possibly earlier. After more than a decade of denials, he confessed shortly before his execution to 30 homicides committed in seven states between 1974 and 1978; the true total remains unknown, and could be much higher. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Bundy)

You could meet 2 people from 2 very different walks of life. One, dressed in all black, sporting a full head of dread-locks…the other in a suit and tie, who drives a very nice car. One is kept to himself, and won’t look you in the eye… while the other pranced around as though everyone already knows and loves him. Due to appearances, we might gravitate toward the one who is friendly and charismatic, over the one who has dingy black clothes, and dread-locks. Why? One is more socially appealing. The other causes you to question his motives, by his dropped gaze. One of the two is a threat to your well-being. The other is not. Who would you choose to be the one you should trust?

It’s important to give ourselves time to get to know ANYONE we meet, no matter who that person is. A first impression has no business being the final impression. You never know who wrongfully deserves and gains your trust, while the person you were meant to meet is walking out the back door… We are too busy being “coddled” and pleased by what our eyes perceive, to give any thought to what really matters during the coming days and months. Give it time. If the person is sporting a fake facade, they won’t be able to hold the false face for long. Most begin to show true nature within the first 6 months. Some within a matter of a week, others might take longer. Patience…

You deserve to be patient. You’re worth it…

Another update on this journey… the dangers of reacting


I’ve spoken of hind sight in the past. I’ve spoken of being strong and becoming stronger. I talked as if I knew everything there was to know about Psychopaths, according to my own experiences. I also spoke of Narcissists. I never claimed to know much other than what my own experience had taught me. As it stands right now, I still only understand as far as my own experience, though I had read several articles and personal accounts from people who have lived through those things, too.

I was wrong to think that Psychopaths and/or Narcissists acted in the exact same way, though the similarities are uncanny in their methodology. I was wrong to think that they presented themselves as an evil entity, as a rule. Sometimes their ability to present as a caring, loving person is shocking, when compared to the “Mr. Hyde” they bring out, without a care or any forewarning. In my case, Mr. Hyde was and is a compulsive, sadistic opportunist. My only warning that he was about to do ‘something’, was a look that I recognized, but couldn’t translate the meaning behind it until much later. I had to go through his compulsively implemented ‘gauntlet’ for me, first.

This past year has left me with even more unanswered questions than before, though this time around, I have more peace about it. Just for the record, I hate learning and HATE being tested even more.

Hind sight. It’s the world’s best teacher, as well as the most cruel. It’s cruel, in that to actually gain hind sight, one has to go through the gauntlet, first. Hind sight shows you what you had missed in the smallest details. Those things that, had you noticed and recognized them, you wouldn’t have ever gone “there” to begin with. This is my entire last year.

In my case, this year I discovered that my “intuition” was a bit faulty in the beginning. The man I dated was older than me by 8 years. With me, in my later 40’s, and he in his mid 50’s. I look younger than I am, thanks to my mother passing down her “younger” genetics. He looks like he could be my father, or an uncle. When I met him, he presented himself as a caring, fun-loving man, with a heart of gold. He was a gentleman when it came to me. Persistent, but never pushy. Very patient when asking me to go out with him. Unfortunately, it worked like a charm. Eventually, I agreed to a blind date, set up by his friend. The rest is history. Repeated history, unfortunately. Maybe the reason I trusted him so easily, was because he WAS so patient, and just maybe I felt safe with him because he is older. I could beat the reasons why to a nub, without ever getting a plausible answer.

The baiting started early on in our relationship, though I didn’t recognize it as such, then. Looking back, I can see the same familiar look on his face, prior to the things he would do or say to me. Every single time I got upset, was when he used a situation or discussion to his advantage in order to bait me into a reaction. He couldn’t plan for the majority of those times. He only recognized the opportunity and used it against me, to play my emotions at the time. Much like a drug addict needing a “fix”. Some of the time he used subjects that he and I had already discussed, which were important to me. Other times, he just wanted to “hurt” me to see how I would handle it. Of course, it was always a “joke” that I wrongfully misunderstood, according to him. The poor misunderstood man… How could I be so cruel? That is the picture he is painting to others. **sigh** here we go again…

Hind sight also shows you in your weaknesses. Those areas I thought I was strong in. I knew the subtle signs of Narcissists and Psychopaths. Those things never vary, as I understand. Things like; quick whirlwind romances, where the other claims “soul mate” and “love” early on, the “perfect” things that he would say, that no-one else knew about. Those things that pull at your heart-strings. Those things that your heart and mind long for, the most. It’s amazing to look back and think, “How could I be so stupid!” As I look back, I see that those things were put there by him to make me react, so he could successfully groom me into being receptive toward him, in the beginning, and then into giving him multiple chances to continue to bait me into becoming upset, again. I did. I ignored just those very, obvious signs that something was horribly wrong. I ignored them because I trusted him. I was foolish, willfully naive and still distrusting of what I already KNEW to be true!

Soo… it’s been brought to my attention by a few folks that I need to stop “reacting”. Please pardon the snide feel to this response, but “DUH!” haha! When the baiting is such that it is brought out during the normal act of casual conversation, it’s hard NOT to react. It starts as if he misunderstands something, then WHAM! Out comes the hurtful, tormentuous attacks, meant to hurt or anger me. Always compulsive, and opportunistic in nature. In the course of a normal discussion or conversation, it’s hard to recognize until you are already upset. The battle is in knowing whether or not it is an actual attack meant to get a reaction, or if it’s a normal argument or misunderstanding between 2 people. It became obvious to me, finally, when I began to notice a timed cycle. I started paying attention to his response to hurting me or making me mad. After all, it was a “joke”, right? How did he respond? Was he remorseful when he realized you got upset? Or did he keep pushing for a bigger and badder reaction, only to blame you and your lack of a sense of humor? IE: “Can’t you take a f’ing joke?!” Finally offering a fake apology, “I’m sorry you took that wrong”.

NORMAL people, when they are trying to play with you to get a “rise” out of you with no mal-intent, will be horrified when it becomes clear that you have been hurt. They will stop the joking, and apologize immediately, explaining their intent. Those who are Narcissists will NOT! Their level of “joking” is comparable to the schoolyard bully, who tries to hurt someone because its fun. Period. These assholes never grew up. It’s up to us to learn how to keep from being targeted.

We will always be targeted. It’s human frailty at it’s best. However, we don’t have to be victims to their game.

Personally, I need to learn how to trust myself and what I already KNOW! Regardless of how I might FEEL! One thing I am grateful for is that I did stand up for myself, this time. I was still targeted and victimized (in a way), but in time I called a spade a spade. I stopped trusting his “caring” facad, which was only there to keep me “reeled in”. It’s a good thing to give someone the chance to change, but when it becomes just another series or a cycle, spoken from a consistent script (“Please, let me show you. Let me prove it to you. I’m changed. I just want to earn your trust again…”), be kind to yourself and walk away. What do his actions prove, following his exclamations?

Don’t be fooled into thinking being friends is something to strive for, after everything is done. That is just another opportunity given to the Narcissist, to keep playing with his favorite (for now) toy. Walk away and never look back.

This is a lesson to myself, which I embrace. I hope you are able to glean something for yourselves through this entry, too.

P.S. I thought I would let you in on, “the look”… it was the look of a ‘suspicious

This is the closest to the actual look he would give me, directly before baiting me for a reaction.
This is the closest to the actual look he would give me, directly before baiting me for a reaction.

observer’. That’s it in a nutshell. Its one you can pinpoint if you’ve ever seen it from someone. Suspiciously mindful. As if the person was watching for something, like getting caught or a desired reaction. Almost fearful. Strange. I could describe it from the beginning. I recognized it as the look that always proceeded the ‘attack’, for a lack of a better word. It always proceeded the stunt, the baiting or pushing for any reaction from anywhere.