Struggling with going “No Contact”

I understand that going “no-contact” is the desired response when ending a toxic relationship, whether it was you or they who were “ousted”. It’s the healthiest thing to avoid talking to that person, spending time with that person and so-on. It’s also the most recommended avenue in healing yourself.

I understand the guilt associated, when going “no-contact” is difficult. You may go back to that relationship several times, before being able to walk away entirely. There is such a thing as ‘trauma bonding‘. Folks, this is a REAL PROBLEM, though it exists for so many survivors, in the aftermath of an abusive relationship! It’s what creates the overwhelming “need” to get back in touch with the Psychopath or Narcissist. It’s what is left when you are devalued and discarded, after you have tried SO HARD TO END THE ABUSE, by coddling him, loving or being understanding about the abuse. “He has been through a lot. He’s just having a hard time trusting due to the pain he still has”.. or what-have you. You continue to call, email, show up at work, etc. hoping to MAKE HIM SEE HOW HE’S HURTING YOU, as if you will create an “ah-HAH!” moment for him, and he’ll find that ever illusive conscience and beg for your forgiveness. This is the struggle we face during the initial break up. After you have fed your heart to him on a silver platter, only to get that platter back, in the end, with nothing but grains.. It’s what comes from being unable to settle your spirit, or to be ok with knowing you were hurt and abused, by a man who showed so much “love” and understanding in the beginning. The confusion is also the battle between heart and mind. You know what you know, but your heart cannot fathom it, nor understand.

When you are in the initial stages of “no contact”, you are still in a whirlwind from the traumatic relationship. When you call, email, text or directly contact the abuser, it doesn’t help at ALL!! On a side note though, doing so can also give you the emotional tools to be able to hold the scum-bag in complete and utter disdain and in turn, be able to go ‘no-contact’. If this is the case, be sure you are asking very pointed questions of the abuser. YOU control the conversation. Look for things in his response that show acceptance of responsibility (you will never see him accept real responsibility) and/or awareness of the instances of baiting for a reaction. His responses will be subtle, but if you know what you are looking for, you will see a total dis-regard for you! He will continue to blame-shift and throw fake apologies. When you finally get the admission, and can see a total dis-regard for you or your well-being, then walk away and enjoy your FREEDOM! I wanted an admission, so I baited HIM into reacting in such a way that I GOT one. I actually got it, disguised as a fake apology and blame-shifting. He admitted to how many instances of baiting, and still suggested that I took a joke wrong (Since when is baiting for a reaction a joke? Especially when the abuser keeps up the badgering for days or even months, before they are satisfied that they got the desired reaction?) Definitely do this through text so you can review what was said, and avoid the direct emotional attacks, which are designed to confuse you or get you to..again..REACT. Do NOT talk with the individual in any other way! With that being said, if you are a strong, determined individual, you could struggle but still be able to maintain the desired “no-contact” just out of sheer determination. If this is YOU, then congratulations! You are already leaps and bounds beyond the majority of survivors. For the rest of those who are still in an emotional, psychological tailspin, It’s a daily fight. Many will continue to email the perpetrator, trying to get him to see the error of his ways, or find some reason to see for ourselves that we are over-reacting. What happens next? He has the where-with-all to continue to abuse us! Not only that, but he is also still getting the desired reactions from us without having to do a THING! We are willing participants in his disordered game, when we habitually contact the abuser. It’s what the entire purpose for his abuse was, throughout the entire time we were in the relationship. 

There is no shame associated with trauma-bonding. There is no shame to feel the need to contact the abuser. Please recognize, however, that in doing so, you are just acting as a momentary meal. It doesn’t change the status of your relationship, nor will he have some life-altering epiphany. The only one who will continue to be hurt, abused or have those deepest emotions picked at, is YOU!! You are still giving him his “fix”. You and your reactions! It’s hard NOT to react. I get that. In the case of dealing with a Psychopath/Sociopath or Narcissist, its IMPERATIVE that you understand this!

Going “no contact” can be compared to a drug addict, trying to kick the habit. Or a smoker. You will most likely fail in several attempts, before finally being able to stick to it. No shame, no guilt. But be prepared to cut ties completely, when you finally see him as scum. Remind yourself about why it’s best to stay away from him. If you have been able to be free of him for a few days, only to go back to “talk” to him, be aware of your emotions. How did you feel when you weren’t talking to him? How did you feel, after you talked again? Does he guilt you into talking again, only to have it work and “voila! You’re calling, texting, reassuring the asswipe that you don’t “hate” him? You are still reacting, and he’s STILL baiting you, even under the “niceties”.

Sweet heart, for your own sakes…

Don’t play the game!

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