I’ve changed…

My head is literally REELING with things I want to say, here.

A recap… I started my blog 2 weeks after the final court date with my X-monster. I attempted to get a restraining order, and lost. Not because anything I said in my deposition was false, but because I still maintained contact with him on occasion, when he’d call, email, etc. I didn’t want to talk to him, but felt a human and social obligation to keep from being rude. I didn’t want to make waves, so I thought I should stay amicable, protect my job (so I thought)… but then came the final scheme, which alerted me to his REAL nature. He was entirely evil and unpredictable, outside of human standards. It took several tries to finally understand and convince myself of the true level of  his depravity, so I was able to go 100% NO contact. The days that followed were no less than, me, grieving the loss of myself! I walked out and away from that terrible period, being entirely destroyed from the inside, out.

The following days, weeks, months and years, have brought about tremendous learning and healing. It seemed to take forever, and at times didn’t seem to be happening at ALL! But, non-the-less, it was taking place… ever…so…slowly. Definitely NOT fun at all! One thing has remained constant to this day, over 2 years later: I was forever changed. I started out on this journey of mine, being and feeling totally foreign to myself. I didn’t know ME anymore. I was a walking void. A shadow. Thoughts were a haze. My short-term memory in general, has been greatly affected, though I’m happy to say, it’s FINALLY getting better! I thought I was developing a sort of dementia or early onset Alzheimer’s, due to the severity. I’m glad to say I’m a little more like myself. In other ways, I still need work and retraining.

Here are only a few instances I can look back on, in my life, where a finality in one area created a finality in another, totally unrelated, area. The reasons why this is the case, are totally hidden. I can’t understand the how’s or why’s of this phenomenon. It just “is”.

One such time was after divorcing my children’s dad. I had been a horrible nail biter all of my life. It was stress related, I believe. When I divorced him, not only did the marriage end, but so did the nail biting. I didn’t even realize it until a couple of weeks later, when I looked at my nails and found they had been growing and in fact, needed a trim. Strange.

The next instance is my once distorted views of myself and people around me… remnants of a psychopath’s influence and abuse, two years prior. When I was able to end my dealings with the narcissist in my life, I found that I had greater peace regarding the abuse from the former shit-head. I wasn’t worried about the smear campaigns that would inevitably come. I didn’t worry about seeing the latter again, except for the nausea I would inevitably endure as a result.

Remember the ring that I couldn’t face? The one that the psychopath tormented me with? The one I was afraid to dispose of incorrectly, believing that, in doing so would unleash all hell and all manner of evil onto the new owner. Yeah that view was odd and wrong, yet it’s how I felt. Where is that ring now?

On the ring finger of my right hand. It’s pretty and I deserve to enjoy it. He owed me something for the torment, anyway.

My point is, even when your triggers are at their peak or you are missing the abuser, once again falling into the same old trap and cycle… good things are waiting. Wonderful growth and healing. Who knows what will fall away ad you heal? The more you allow yourselves to stay stuck in an endless cycle of abuse, the more you are forcing yourself to endure and cannot receive the abundance of light and peace regarding the abuse at the end.

Here’s the conundrum: you can only do what you are able, at any given time, having to be “ready” to take that mountainous leap, yet to let go is the only way to start YOUR journey. Your life.

You never know what is around the corner, but once you are there, you’ll be glad for it.

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