As has been proven before, in my on-going healing process; I have NOT arrived… yet.
I have been seeing a man for the last month. I’m confident in saying he’s a wonderful man, even though it’s only been a month. He’s apparently NORMAL!! lol! It’s been so long since I’ve met a normal, caring man, that I don’t know how to act. Seriously.
Life for me, isn’t all rosy nor peaceful at the moment. It’s tormentuous as hell. So many things have been going on in my home and around me, that I’m a bit overwhelmed. I tend to lean on my new ‘hopeful’ for support. He’s been wonderful, supportive, caring and steadfast, even though I know it’s stressful for him, too. Most people in general, I would say, would run for the hills. He doesn’t run and stands with me, supporting me in every way. We’ve also been having long talks, either in person or on the phone. He’ll ask questions of me which cause me to think about the answers. I’m honest with him about everything. I answer in the best way that I can, but I find myself second-guessing, not only my answers, but how he may be HEARING the answers. The introspection/extrospection trap that I have been in throughout my life, has become entirely intrusive. It’s continuous in my thoughts, as I try to talk to him. I sound confused and crazy as a result. Yeah, I’m aware of this, too. If the chaos in my life hasn’t been enough to rattle him, our talks just might be, and could cause him to run.
He isn’t trying to rattle me, nor cause me to second guess myself. He’s only trying to know and understand me better. I know this.
What I have stumbled upon, is a newly discovered trigger for PTSD. I didn’t realize this until just this second. Welcome to my thought process, and how intrusive my tendency for self-analysis is. I think while thinking. I mean, I think about my answers about a particular subject, while my introspection and extrospection tendency is spiraling wildly in the background, causing me to second-guess myself, and become anxious about how he might be viewing me.
For the first time in my life, I wish it would stop. Completely.
I am filled with nervousness and anxiety, while in the midst of answering the simplest of questions. He’s asking simple questions which should not cause anything of the sort. Yet, it does.
I don’t know what more to say about it.
I wish it would stop!
I believe this is residual from my jaunt with the Psychopath in my past. As many of you are aware, due to your own experience with the same disordered, evil type of person, they are kings of making you second-guess yourself. It’s the direct result of gas-lighting and crazy-making. Its at the forefront of the abuse they subject you to. It’s insidious.
Even now, the tendency to second-guess myself and my own thoughts, has become paralyzing, while writing this entry.
Enter spiral # umpteen thousand, and one… It’s been a while. Wondered when the spiral would show its ugly head again…
- The art of looking within thyself (jessenoseworthy.wordpress.com)
- In search of self… Introspection (1) (jaggu.wordpress.com)