The art of second guessing

As has been proven before, in my on-going healing process; I have NOT arrived… yet.

I have been seeing a man for the last month. I’m confident in saying he’s a wonderful man, even though it’s only been a month. He’s apparently NORMAL!! lol! It’s been so long since I’ve met a normal, caring man, that I don’t know how to act. Seriously.

Life for me, isn’t all rosy nor peaceful at the moment. It’s tormentuous as hell. So many things have been going on in my home and around me, that I’m a bit overwhelmed. I tend to lean on my new ‘hopeful’ for support. He’s been wonderful, supportive, caring and steadfast, even though I know it’s stressful for him, too. Most people in general, I would say, would run for the hills. He doesn’t run and stands with me, supporting me in every way. We’ve also been having long talks, either in person or on the phone. He’ll ask questions of me which cause me to think about the answers. I’m honest with him about everything. I answer in the best way that I can, but I find myself second-guessing, not only my answers, but how he may be HEARING the answers. The introspection/extrospection trap that I have been in throughout my life, has become entirely intrusive. It’s continuous in my thoughts, as I try to talk to him. I sound confused and crazy as a result. Yeah, I’m aware of this, too. If the chaos in my life hasn’t been enough to rattle him, our talks just might be, and could cause him to run.

He isn’t trying to rattle me, nor cause me to second guess myself. He’s only trying to know and understand me better. I know this.

What I have stumbled upon, is a newly discovered trigger for PTSD. I didn’t realize this until just this second. Welcome to my thought process, and how intrusive my tendency for self-analysis is. I think while thinking. I mean, I think about my answers about a particular subject, while my introspection and extrospection tendency is spiraling wildly in the background, causing me to second-guess myself, and become anxious about how he might be viewing me.

For the first time in my life, I wish it would stop. Completely.

I am filled with nervousness and anxiety, while in the midst of answering the simplest of questions. He’s asking simple questions which should not cause anything of the sort. Yet, it does.

I don’t know what more to say about it.

I wish it would stop!

I believe this is residual from my jaunt with the Psychopath in my past. As many of you are aware, due to your own experience with the same disordered, evil type of person, they are kings of making you second-guess yourself. It’s the direct result of gas-lighting and crazy-making. Its at the forefront of the abuse they subject you to. It’s insidious.

Even now, the tendency to second-guess myself and my own thoughts, has become paralyzing, while writing this entry.

Enter spiral # umpteen thousand, and one… It’s been a while. Wondered when the spiral would show its ugly head again…

Damn…

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5 thoughts on “The art of second guessing

  1. Part of the reason you’re having such a hard time with this right now is likely you’re remembering the first stages of your relationship with the psycho – they ask these seemingly innocuous questions and really absorb your answers so they can use it against you in future. In my case, I was so thrilled that a man wanted to hear what I had to say that I told him everything he wanted to know, giving him ample ammunition to cut me down later. I expressed my opinions honestly and found myself having to recant everything later just to preserve my sanity. Does this sound familiar? Could fear of future reprisals be holding you back and causing you to second guess yourself?

  2. I find it utterly astounding how the depths of anguish differ within us as targets and now, survivors. These “creatures” of humanity’s offshoot have harvested diferent types of “us” as it appears to me. Some of us were used and abused, but others of us had our very souls attacked. The brainwashing gained such power most especially from those of us who had belief systems in our own “abilities and responsibilities” in creating our lives.

    I am in awe of your ability to express your heartache EVEN as you logically analyze the ordeal. Although I am deeply sorry that you experienced this traumatic trek “through the bowels of the Twilight Zone,” I am grateful for your lucid sharing. I find such agreement with your statements about “nausea.” For me as a quite-old-gal, I don’t really want to find the romantic love I thought I had with the psychopath in my not so distant path. I am three years out of being used, worked like a hired hand, manipulated by the man and his entire clan, and then discarded with all agreeing to “change history” to make it all “ok.”

    I feel that this PTSD or CPTSD is not a disorder at all, but an injury to the very psyche of decency. Like you, I was totally blindsided and allowed myself to be manipulated into accepting “reasons” for horrific behavior. In trying so diligently to “make the marriage work,” I even allowed his female therapist to push me by telling me how much I was aiding him with is invalid mother and other family members’ demands.

    I like your descriptions that are analogous to stepping into another dimension, to me. All my trainings in communication, Christian ethic, and belief in choices and consequences seemed to cave in – as if the laws of this universe faltered with this being’s predatory needs.

    My personal realities and belief system took an unfathomable “hit” and as I want to feel close to my idea of God again, I am struggling with this.

    Wonderful post. I doubt many can comprehend the almost terror at wishing not again to slide like a greased seal down this rabbit hole. Your candor gives me surprising and uplifting hope in expectation of tomorrow. Thank you.

  3. HI,
    I’m just coming across your blog now, and I’m finding this fascinating in the sense that I can totally relate. I have been married to my non-abusive husband for two years and yet still I find myself second-guessing myself and walking on eggshells to avoid doing the wrong things or saying the wrong things. I have asked another survivor/writer this question but I sure wonder if this could happen to survivors of milder, non-psychopathic psychological abuse if they’re children (or disabled or both in my case).

  4. Pingback: Effects of Institutional Abuse | Blogging Astrid

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