What defines you?


I wanted to share this with you all. It’s about overcoming obstacles associated with being bullied. As you are aware, the number one driving force behind any narcissist, psychopath or sociopath, IS to manipulate, demean, hurt, destroy, abuse, and yes, BULLY!!

This girl has definitely been an overcomer. She used the negativity around her, to become her driving force to succeed in her own life.

As she says in this video, “What defines you?”

What defines you? What is it that makes you so uniquely, wonderfully you? No one else can decide for you, or define you. You take the steps and you choose to be destroyed by negative influences, or become strong inspite of them. Yes, even those that have all but destroyed you. But, here’s the thing. You are still alive. You are still moving and breathing. Your experiences may have dampened your spirit, but it’s still there.

Find it. It’s possible.

I’m doing some Comparison thinking, today..


In the beginning, this blog was labeled as an online journal by another reader. I suppose that isn’t too far from being the case. It’s my personal journey of healing… good days, bad days, those days in between when I feel so disjointed from the rest of humanity, that I think I’ve actually “lost it”.

This blog, as it also is with my journey, has no defined direction. I don’t plan what to post at any given time. I write about what is most present in my thoughts at the time. My healing journey also has no other direction, but to move forward to a better, stronger and healthier life. What you read in each post, is where I happen to be on any given day.

I do a lot of comparisons in regard to where I am, vs. where I was two years ago (or so). You have walked through the mine-field with me, after initially removing myself from an evil entity’s grip/relationship. I remember the early days very VERY well… I was nothing short of a neurotic, emotional basket-case. My emotions were so disheveled that I couldn’t spend any given day, just being “bored” or “content”.  I would begin any day with a cup of coffee in the beginning, and a mini panic attack. Tears, shaking, ruminating and pure heart-ache were my closest confidant. Today, I find myself so much stronger and confident that I have ever been in my life.

Sure, I still second-guess myself. I still make excuses FIRST, regarding an individual’s moral character or any actions that seem less than caring. That’s just who I am, and have always been. I have come to the conclusion that, that part of my make-up isn’t going to change. It’s my personality. The difference is that I don’t IGNORE anymore. I speak up, when I have been mistreated in any way. I don’t condemn the person, recognizing that humanity needs to be the driving force of any action or reaction from ME, regardless of the person in front of me. Whether or not that person is any form of the dark triad or just a jerk, I still have to maintain my own humanity, and not lower myself to their standards of action. Does this make any sense?

Have I finally arrived to any semblance of a place, where further growth and learning are no longer needed? No WAY!! However, I am healthier than I was in the beginning. My physical health hasn’t changed, but my emotional and psychological self has become healthier. There’s definitely more room for growth, and I’m certain that I will see another tail-spin or 12 along the way.

In the beginning, before my jaunt with the Monster, I was a person who would allow for mistreatment, avoiding any negative influx from anyone just to keep the “peace”. I still struggle with this, by the way, in regards to certain members of my family. I’m hoping to make steps to correct this, very soon. But that’s another story. After my time with my x-psychopath, I met and dated a Narcissist (Though I believe he may either be a Sociopath, or have tendencies linked to that personality). After going through that mine-field, I found myself at peace for the first time, I believe, in many years. I ended things with him with a defined time-frame in mind.

The human part of me thought it would be best to give him a little time to come to grips that he lost his toy. AKA: Me. I knew that it could take some time, but I wasn’t going to let it go on forever, for my job or any other reason. I kept in mind, then and now, the stages a Narcissist will go through after being discarded. (I’ll outline those at a later time, for you all. If I forget, please remind me.) As he had done during our entire “relationship/baiting session”, enter self-loathing texts from the moment I said “Go Away”. Emails to follow. I let it go on for a little while, while still strictly adhering to “No contact”. After the first month and a half of weekly or bi-weekly contact from him, I recognized some options I had to choose from, in order to bring the harassment to an end. I decided to send him a final text, detailing the types of contact which were NOT allowed… which was any contact at all. He knew this already, but he’s a good one to find a loop-hole. I didn’t mention standing behind my work vehicle, watching me and making sure I saw him. He did that too..

He was talked to man-to-man, reminding him that I wanted him to leave me alone. That worked for about a week, then my ex enlisted the help of his close friend, who initially set us up to begin with. She contacted me on his behalf. I won’t go into detail (I may have, already, in a previous post), but I decided enough was enough.

I have tried to keep our relationship out of work, including the break-up. With his incessant harassment, I was left with no other options but to talk to my HR manager about it, him, and his pawn. After talking to management, they both have been talked to and have had their jobs threatened. A normal person would bow out at this point, and honor my wishes. A Narcissist, however, will change the playing field. I  know the next step will be my ex and/or his pawn, becoming very vindictive.

I’m ready for it, though I don’t know what they will do from here. I suspect that he will try to get me removed from my job, by incessant calls to my boss (anonymously, of course) complaining about me. Nothing that can be directly linked to him or her, outside of phone records. In a company of this size, no one will check phone records for any reason. They just don’t have time for that. That’s my prediction. Any physical tampering with my car would be unwise, since I have just talked to management regarding the harassment. It would be obvious who tampered with it. He’ll be more underhanded.

There again, he may choose to walk away entirely, finally respecting my wishes. Doubtful, but possible.

Now, I have said all of that to say this… Where does all of that leave me, emotionally? Before, I was afraid of my own shadow. Today, I recognize to potential threat that is looming around me, but I’m not afraid. I’m prepared. The smear-campaign has been going on throughout the relationship, grooming others around him to believe him and his story. Acting emotionally distraught, creates pity from others. It’s the best way to feign innocence. I don’t care about what he says to others. I did for a time, but I really don’t now.

I’m just finally happy living my life, being stronger and more confident than ever before. I don’t hate him, or even the Psychopath of my past, anymore. They are both pond-scum, and should be seen as such.

I hope this entry will help those of you who have not reached this point in your healing process, to have hope. There will be this time for you, too! Not continued abuse, but being able to have peace when you are mistreated from anyone. Being able to be happy, regardless of what others do to you, how they treat you or any harmful gossip they could start regarding you. To be able to go on with your life, in spite of any disordered individual’s (or plain old jerk’s) attacks against you, with peace and serenity in your hearts…

I’m grateful for all the time I’ve spent in hell. Seriously. One becomes stronger, entirely, when you have to fight for your own survival, in any way or form.

Keep breathing and pushing through the hard days. You’ll be happy at the end!

This, I promise!!

 

 

Loose lips sink ships..


I know… this is one of those “old, worn out” cliche’s. It’s an old saying that, for many, is left under the old rug that was thrown in the corner of your great grandfather’s attic, all but completely forgotten.

These past few weeks, I have been re-thinking those old, worn-out cliche’s that were always skillfully written to warn us of behaviors which would harm us or others. I, too, have thrown these cliche’s under the proverbial rug, thinking they didn’t (nor ever could) pertain to me. Many were coined well over 100 years ago, as a tool to teach the children (or adults) important life-lessons. How could they possibly stand in truth of application in today’s society? Unfortunately, people stopped listening and believing them. They are mottos to live by. This particular one is very important to learn and listen to. Only through hind-sight, did I learn the importance of it.

We, who have been targeted to be a meal to a predator, were only targeted because of our sweet, self-less, easily trusting hearts. Someone saw those attributes and decided it would be fun to mess with us and keep doing so. Period. Many of us wanted and needed someone who we could trust to hold us, empathize with us and finally make us feel needed, wanted and safe. There’s nothing wrong with that. We ALL want that, don’t we? Our downfall is in trusting right away. We give too much credit and trust where it hasn’t been earned yet. Too much trust with sensitive information about ourselves, our families, our children, jobs and friends. We believe (and most times, rightly so) that honesty and openness are crucial to any successful relationship. In a normal relationship between 2 NON-disordered individuals, this is the case. However, when one is disordered AND mirroring our deepest desires, we fall for the act, lock, stock and barrel!

Originally, the phrase, “Loose lips sink ships” was coined during WWII in war propaganda posters, reminding all citizens and military personal to stay quiet about any thing which might destroy a current movement of troops or artillery during the war. It is also true when opening yourself up to someone you blindly trust, without actually knowing the person.

In the excitement of meeting this “wonderful and caring” man, who seems to be exactly who and what we’ve needed or wanted, all along, we confide in them. We tell them our deepest desires and/or secrets. They are all too willing to play the part, too. Of course, they are only “acting”, and it works. They feed us what we need most, only to use it against us, later.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we ARE at war, here… I don’t mean that we are being chosen to fight on the front lines of any war-torn area on the planet. Our personal war is for our own psyches, heart, souls, confidence level and so-on. Our battle is to protect those we love. Our families and friends. We are left to fight FOR that which will be ripped apart, carelessly, maliciously and sadistically, otherwise. Without our stead-fast attention to details surrounding the relationship, and then to our own well being vs. detriment, we would become another casualty.

Yes, it’s just that simple.

We are the “ship”. We are that tactical entity, which the enemy wants to ensnare and conquer. When we give too much information without trying the character of the love interest, first, we are divulging information that can be used against us at any time.

It’s important to KNOW the individual first, and the only way to do that is to remain SILENT about anything in or around our lives that can be used negatively, as a way to bait or destroy. Time is the best factor we have in our arsenal, when really getting to know someone. When that  person shows you flaws in their character, believe it. Understand that, especially in the early days, they are on their best behavior. If they show the character flaws early on, it is just a FRACTION of that flaw! As time progresses and you both get more comfortable in the relationship, those flaws will become exponentially worse.

Watch for signs of a TRUE EMPATHETIC nature, vs. a phony one. The phony one will be superficial, with no substance.

Now, I’m not telling you not to ever trust someone with your deepest desires or secrets; only to be cautious and patient when considering whether or not the new love is trust WORTHY! Remember, the Narcissists and Psychopaths of this world, are pros when it comes to mirroring, as a huge manipulation tactic used to woo you into trusting THEM! It works. How about that wonderful person you met? Yep, he’ll disappear as soon as you are hooked. Then, he’ll begin to see you his REAL face. The promises and exclamations will disappear, followed by his once, god-ordained feelings for you. These will be replaced by subtle power plays, and toying with your emotions because he CAN!

Don’t close your eyes to mis-treatment, in order to “excuse” it or “wish” it away. You can’t ignore the obvious, really. Though several VICTIMS have tried. Do you notice the connection?

The ones who try to ignore the abuse, no matter how slight or covert, are the ones who will BECOME VICTIMS! I was, as were several other now, survivors. It all started with a failure to HOLD OUR TONGUES or have control over them, whether in silence, or being far too open with the new love interest.

Is your heart swooning at the very mention of his name? Has he done wonderful things for you, in order to gain your interest? Has it only been a few weeks? Of course he’s treating you wonderfully, sweety. Why would he treat you like crap in the beginning? That would defeat the whole purpose of pursuing you in the first place. He wants you to see him as wonderful. Understand that so many people who appear to be wonderful, are far from it. They just want to gain your trust. To gain a foot-hold, which they will use to abuse, exploit, attack and ultimately, conquer.

There is a place to trust your partner, fully. There is a place to cry on his shoulder when your world falls apart, and confide in him. That time is NOT WITHIN THE FIRST FEW WEEKS!!

Hold your tongue, for your sake and that of your families!

Here we go again..


No, this isn’t about my new boyfriend. I will say that he’s shown me nothing but high levels of REAL empathy for others, and especially myself and my family. Concern and true caring. This is about the Narcissist, who I am now believing is a Sociopath. Since I am still unclear of the difference between a Psychopath and Sociopath, I am only recognizing the difference as he is showing (and has showed throughout), compared to the Psychopath of my past.

This is an update of that page of my book..

I have to say, however, that I’m not in the tail-spin of the past, regarding the callous nature or “evil” drive that the Soc is showing. I am predicting the probabilities of any future moves on his part, and so far I’m correct.

Bastard.

I went entirely “No Contact” from this individual, on November 10, 2013. I did choose to respond to a text message he sent a month and a half later, only after receiving a series of texts following my initial request that he leave me alone. I was faced with a few choices about how to handle his continued harassment: Go to the Corporate gurus and report it, ignore it, send a certified letter to his home or respond via text one last time. I chose to do the latter. I don’t believe he’s a violent person. He’s just an old school-yard bully that never grew up. I chose to handle it myself. I reminded him that I had already asked him to leave me alone, described in detail the types of contact that was no longer allowed from him, and reminded him that I mean what I say. He went silent for about a week and a half, until the final email.

My current boyfriend is concerned. He asked me if he’d been leaving me alone, a couple of days after receiving the email. I didn’t want to tell him about it, only because the situation is upsetting to him, out of respect for his feelings. I won’t lie to him, either. I told him about it and let him read it upon request. Following this, my current boyfriend respectfully talked to my ex, asking him to leave me alone, reminding him that I had already asked him to. My ex agreed, only after lying to my boyfriend’s face about the contact.

Anyone who has been through this, knows already the events that generally follow. Since someone else “knows” the situation, he won’t contact me directly. But he WILL do things on the side-line to mess with me at work and possibly, my home. These people also enlist the involvement of others, to continue the harassment and bullying. It’s an old script that I am all to familiar with.

This coming Friday is a “business” gathering for local accounts and the company I work for. My boyfriend is one of those account managers. He wanted me to go with him as his date, and signed my name as such. I had planned on going. Keep in mind that I broke up with the Narc/Soc back in July. We did, however, spend quite a bit of time together, as my ex was begging me to allow him a chance to earn my trust back. I wouldn’t romantically date him again, but thought it wouldn’t hurt to give him that chance. All it did was give him more opportunity to bait me again.

I got an email from the woman who initially set us up on the date back in November of 2012, last night. She exclaimed how I “hurt” my ex badly and insinuated that I would be “classless” if I showed up to the function with another man, asking me not to go. Apparently, I stomped his little heart like a “piece of crap”… Poor little victim. You see, I have seen that “face” too many times, from him. The tears, threatening suicide, and expressing self-loathing because he “hurt me that bad”. Never once did he admit to anything he did, as being wrong. ALWAYS blamed ME for his treatment of me. Oh yeah, even though she has formed judgments about me and my relationship with my ex, based on his lies and exclamations, she has never once tried to be diplomatic or listen except as it would benefit my ex.

I talked to my boyfriend about this, as it does affect things regarding the function. I know the “victim” ploy is only play-acting. My ex has no heart regarding me or our relationship. It was just a game to him. A malicious, opportunistic, sadistic game. The cycles that were obvious and apparent, attested to that fact.  However, the best way to look “good” to anyone when you are at fault, is to play the heart-broken, shattered victim. Cue tears, “here“. To his closest “friends”, this is REAL heart-break, which he’s counting on and using to sway the masses.

It works and it really sucks.

The problem… If I don’t go, it won’t be out of any respect for the little “old” weasel/slime ball, or any concern for his widdle feelers but could be viewed by him as still being able to control me and my reactions; AKA: He wins. If I don’t go, it would only be to save problems at work for myself or any potential problems for my boyfriend and nothing more. I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and he, being his sweet self, suggested that we just spend the evening doing something fun amongst ourselves. If he went without me, I wouldn’t be concerned or upset.

I told my current boyfriend that my Soc/Narc ex isn’t done, and he won’t be leaving me alone any time soon.  He probably won’t do anything directly, but will change tactics and continue to mess with me, using his friends or setting up scenarios trying to get me into trouble at work (which has has done already). Since my boyfriend has never dealt with someone of this caliber, it’s hard for him to understand. He is viewing my ex as any normal individual being faced with the heartache of a  break-up. He’s trying to be understanding, but his number one concern is me and how this is affecting me.

I love that about him, by the way.