In the beginning, this blog was labeled as an online journal by another reader. I suppose that isn’t too far from being the case. It’s my personal journey of healing… good days, bad days, those days in between when I feel so disjointed from the rest of humanity, that I think I’ve actually “lost it”.
This blog, as it also is with my journey, has no defined direction. I don’t plan what to post at any given time. I write about what is most present in my thoughts at the time. My healing journey also has no other direction, but to move forward to a better, stronger and healthier life. What you read in each post, is where I happen to be on any given day.
I do a lot of comparisons in regard to where I am, vs. where I was two years ago (or so). You have walked through the mine-field with me, after initially removing myself from an evil entity’s grip/relationship. I remember the early days very VERY well… I was nothing short of a neurotic, emotional basket-case. My emotions were so disheveled that I couldn’t spend any given day, just being “bored” or “content”. I would begin any day with a cup of coffee in the beginning, and a mini panic attack. Tears, shaking, ruminating and pure heart-ache were my closest confidant. Today, I find myself so much stronger and confident that I have ever been in my life.
Sure, I still second-guess myself. I still make excuses FIRST, regarding an individual’s moral character or any actions that seem less than caring. That’s just who I am, and have always been. I have come to the conclusion that, that part of my make-up isn’t going to change. It’s my personality. The difference is that I don’t IGNORE anymore. I speak up, when I have been mistreated in any way. I don’t condemn the person, recognizing that humanity needs to be the driving force of any action or reaction from ME, regardless of the person in front of me. Whether or not that person is any form of the dark triad or just a jerk, I still have to maintain my own humanity, and not lower myself to their standards of action. Does this make any sense?
Have I finally arrived to any semblance of a place, where further growth and learning are no longer needed? No WAY!! However, I am healthier than I was in the beginning. My physical health hasn’t changed, but my emotional and psychological self has become healthier. There’s definitely more room for growth, and I’m certain that I will see another tail-spin or 12 along the way.
In the beginning, before my jaunt with the Monster, I was a person who would allow for mistreatment, avoiding any negative influx from anyone just to keep the “peace”. I still struggle with this, by the way, in regards to certain members of my family. I’m hoping to make steps to correct this, very soon. But that’s another story. After my time with my x-psychopath, I met and dated a Narcissist (Though I believe he may either be a Sociopath, or have tendencies linked to that personality). After going through that mine-field, I found myself at peace for the first time, I believe, in many years. I ended things with him with a defined time-frame in mind.
The human part of me thought it would be best to give him a little time to come to grips that he lost his toy. AKA: Me. I knew that it could take some time, but I wasn’t going to let it go on forever, for my job or any other reason. I kept in mind, then and now, the stages a Narcissist will go through after being discarded. (I’ll outline those at a later time, for you all. If I forget, please remind me.) As he had done during our entire “relationship/baiting session”, enter self-loathing texts from the moment I said “Go Away”. Emails to follow. I let it go on for a little while, while still strictly adhering to “No contact”. After the first month and a half of weekly or bi-weekly contact from him, I recognized some options I had to choose from, in order to bring the harassment to an end. I decided to send him a final text, detailing the types of contact which were NOT allowed… which was any contact at all. He knew this already, but he’s a good one to find a loop-hole. I didn’t mention standing behind my work vehicle, watching me and making sure I saw him. He did that too..
He was talked to man-to-man, reminding him that I wanted him to leave me alone. That worked for about a week, then my ex enlisted the help of his close friend, who initially set us up to begin with. She contacted me on his behalf. I won’t go into detail (I may have, already, in a previous post), but I decided enough was enough.
I have tried to keep our relationship out of work, including the break-up. With his incessant harassment, I was left with no other options but to talk to my HR manager about it, him, and his pawn. After talking to management, they both have been talked to and have had their jobs threatened. A normal person would bow out at this point, and honor my wishes. A Narcissist, however, will change the playing field. I know the next step will be my ex and/or his pawn, becoming very vindictive.
I’m ready for it, though I don’t know what they will do from here. I suspect that he will try to get me removed from my job, by incessant calls to my boss (anonymously, of course) complaining about me. Nothing that can be directly linked to him or her, outside of phone records. In a company of this size, no one will check phone records for any reason. They just don’t have time for that. That’s my prediction. Any physical tampering with my car would be unwise, since I have just talked to management regarding the harassment. It would be obvious who tampered with it. He’ll be more underhanded.
There again, he may choose to walk away entirely, finally respecting my wishes. Doubtful, but possible.
Now, I have said all of that to say this… Where does all of that leave me, emotionally? Before, I was afraid of my own shadow. Today, I recognize to potential threat that is looming around me, but I’m not afraid. I’m prepared. The smear-campaign has been going on throughout the relationship, grooming others around him to believe him and his story. Acting emotionally distraught, creates pity from others. It’s the best way to feign innocence. I don’t care about what he says to others. I did for a time, but I really don’t now.
I’m just finally happy living my life, being stronger and more confident than ever before. I don’t hate him, or even the Psychopath of my past, anymore. They are both pond-scum, and should be seen as such.
I hope this entry will help those of you who have not reached this point in your healing process, to have hope. There will be this time for you, too! Not continued abuse, but being able to have peace when you are mistreated from anyone. Being able to be happy, regardless of what others do to you, how they treat you or any harmful gossip they could start regarding you. To be able to go on with your life, in spite of any disordered individual’s (or plain old jerk’s) attacks against you, with peace and serenity in your hearts…
I’m grateful for all the time I’ve spent in hell. Seriously. One becomes stronger, entirely, when you have to fight for your own survival, in any way or form.
Keep breathing and pushing through the hard days. You’ll be happy at the end!
This, I promise!!