Wow! What a ride!! That’s what I think, when I reflect back to the beginning of hell, itself, and everything I’ve had to endure, to recover from it. No, not the biblical notion of “Hell”, but the life I lived and had been living for the past couple of years. This August will mark the 3 year anniversary of ridding myself of vermin. When I compare “then” to “now”, it’s amazing I’ve lived through it. The relationship itself, lasted only a year. The effects have lasted, and are still present, even today..
I’m resilient. I’m stubborn. I self-analyze, horribly. I do not accept defeat. I hate complacency with a passion.
As early as this past summer, I was still battling the effects of the monster’s abuse, though I was stronger. I was still in a bit of a minefield…or should I call it a “mind-field”… I wasn’t as paranoid as I was the previous 2 years, though I was still horribly distrusting of everyone I met or associated with.
When I moved into my house 2 years ago this summer, I was still fighting the need to look over my shoulder when I left my house. I still had to have every lock, locked, and every window opened only a little bit, so as to allow some protection from outside individuals. However, when I allowed myself some peace and fought to overcome the obvious affects of the abuse, I became stronger and more self-assured. The locks are still locked, but only because it’s safer that way. Not because I’m still ever vigilant to protect myself from pending doom, as it had been before.
I take a decided look around me, today, and think, “What a wonderful place I’m in, today!” It’s a good day.
Changing my conditioning is going to be a long and grueling process. I will make mistakes and trust the wrong people, as I had done before. I will be hurt again. It’s part of the human condition. Today, I accept my own humanity, and human frailty. I include emotional frailty, in that. I accept each day as it presents itself, FINALLY without fear.
I approach people with caution, now. I used to hate that part of the changes in me. Now, I embrace it, because it’s how I should have been from the beginning of my life. As a child who was taught to be wary of strangers. I have a healthy caution of strangers, now. I’m glad for that particular change in me! When fear changes to caution, it’s a good day. When distrust and paranoia changes to healthy boundary implementation, it’s a good day.
I will never be glad for any abuse I have ever suffered. Being victimized and abused, is NEVER EVER something to be glad for. However, I am grateful for the jaunt with the Psychopath of my past. Not for the abuse suffered, but for the drive it created in me to take a needed look inward, to the areas that needed overhauled. This journey began because of fear and a need to change. Period.
Those of you who are new survivors, you must remember that each phase you will go through is like a stepping stone. You have to climb up, step onto each one in turn, and then pass each stone, before you can take on the next. Do NOT attempt to take anything on, before experiencing the grueling parts of each step. Your journey is necessary!!! Every horrible step, muck, and thorn you experience, is NECESSARY TO HEAL!!! And most importantly, to become WHOLE! To grow to a place where you are making needed changes, which will better the rest of your life, the journey (whatever that will become for you) is NECESSARY! Don’t strong arm your way through it. It just doesn’t work. It’s a natural process, and important to live each day as it comes. Experience it. Allow yourself the time you need, to process each phase.
This morning, we are closer to the first day of spring. It’s getting warmer outside, and in some places of the country, the grass is beginning to grow again. I hate mowing, by the way :D..
Spring… life begins again..