Baiting

The other day I had an incident with my most recent ex, at work. I have to get the key to my vehicle from my manager’s office, every morning. My ex was flippantly standing in the doorway, preventing me from just walking past without needing to be cordial. I said, “excuse me”, as he stepped slightly to the side, letting me pass him. He said, “permission to speak?” I said, without hesitation, “NO!”.

That ended that, or so I thought. I delivered to my boyfriend’s shop, directly after that. I told him what happened. I didn’t see it as that big of a deal until he informed me, “I got a call from your ex a few mins ago.” My ex told him that he wanted to let him know about it, before I had the chance to talk to him about it. He (my ex) told my boyfriend that all he wanted to do is offer condolences because of my dog’s passing away. My boyfriend told me, “I think his intentions were good…” I let him know, “No, they weren’t.”. My boyfriend let me know later that he called my ex back. He told me, “You’re right. His intentions weren’t good, since he already knows you don’t want any contact from him…” He let my ex know that I don’t care about his well-wishes and want no contact from him, whatsoever. He threatened my ex that if he didn’t leave me alone, he would be the one to take it to corporate.

I love this man!

Chum. It’s meant as a lure to bait in fish. The bait is meant to ensnare and capture. Chum causes the consumer to drop their guard, and potentially trust the person again. Chum. I recognized it as soon as my boyfriend let me know what was said over the phone, to him.

My ex didn’t even like my dog..

Chum.. even as a nice caring gesture, it’s still meant to lure you in. If it is to offer condolences, it’s still chum. I mean as it is presented by a Narcissist or Psychopath. They don’t care about your feelings. At ALL! It’s meant to cause you to drop your guard again. Most people mean it as a caring gesture, to be nice and empathetic. We all know that the disordered individuals have no REAL empathy!

Don’t fall for it. Don’t take a bite. Walk away. It’ll seem rude to others around you. Still, don’t fall for it. Stay away, and stay safe from the already WELL known cycle you have personally seen from the individual. Recognize it for what it is.

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14 thoughts on “Baiting

      1. Thank you so much for the timeliness of this post. Only moments ago, bait was thrown out. I recognized it and walked away without feeling guilty.

  1. So true – my last “chum” came in the form of a Xmas card a year and a half ago. I didn’t open it, and sent it back. (Background: the narc ex is hubby’s cousin.) He hasn’t directly tried to bait since, but I’m sure is counting on me not being able to remain NC forever.

    1. It’s unnerving when they try to lure us again, isn’t it? Even when it’s supposedly to “bury the hatchet” or to remain amicable. When that happens, it takes only a secont to remind ourselves they never ever showed true remorse, empathy, or a speck of a conscience. That’s what I thought of immediately when mine tried to show “caring” and empathy. It doesn’t exist within him.

  2. This is the first I have heard this term…like when narc hides behind a door waiting for me, then asks how child is…just a few hours after I texted that child had been to the doctor and was sick-narc hadn’t responded to the text-delayed reaction….or “chum”?

    1. Judy is the one who introduced it to me, originally. I’ve since stewed on it a little bit, and was able to apply it to my own situation. Narcs and Psychopaths aren’t always “mean” or “bad”. At least, as they initially present themselves. They are nice. They are superficially caring and superficially supportive. We view everyone around us, naturally, with a ‘human’ view-point. Unfortunately, these tendencies of the disordered, only become visible to us after we start to recognize a malicious cycle. The cycle ends with the abuse. It ALWAYS begins with CHUM!

      At first, when I read your comment I thought, “it could have been a delayed reaction” or “sometimes texts don’t go through for a while after sending”.. but I realized I was still viewing with a human eye. Expecting humans to react as humans, with a human situation or scenario, such as the one you presented. But, then I realized this. These individuals act and react outside of “human” norms. They scheme and do things in order to enlist a particular reaction from us.. even if that “reaction” is only to drop our guard. It’s best to recognize him for what he IS, and not what is humanly accepted. He’s proven his maliciousness to you, time and again. Trust your gut.. You know what you know. There is no room for cordiality from you to him. Good for you that you recognized it as ‘Chum’! 😀

  3. Just a thought: In as much as the Narc uses chum to cause us to drop our guard, he/she is more than likely to use that, to lure in onlookers, too. Be prepared to deal with the Narc coming to your current boyfriend or best friend, to cause them to second-guess YOU, by using ‘chum’. Why would my ex choose to contact my boyfriend, with the intention to talk to him ‘first’? To sway his opinion, and to create the illusion that I’m being unreasonable or what-have-you. It’s funny… it was such a short conversation/interaction, I didn’t think much of it, until I found out he called my boyfriend, trying to cut me off at the pass, so-to-speak. Nervous much?

    Hmmm… good 😀

  4. this made my day – having recently filed for divorce (3 days ago) I noticed where she posted one of my favorite quotes on her facebook page….baiting me – and it worked I actually liked it. but, I went ahead and deleted her as a friend so I would not find myself in a similar situation going forward….baiting….love that term. we learn something new everyday as we continue our struggle, there is no such thing as too much help 🙂

    1. Hi Rob. I am still finding phrases and terms, even now, that seem to “fit” more perfectly than anything else I come up with on my own. Those always bring a stronger sense of peace with them, and a better understanding. It’s a long road, getting over a jaunt with a psychopath or sociopath, or any other ‘path’.. The most important thing IS to stay and adhere to no-contact. Its imperative to begin to heal from a toxic relationship of any type. It definitely sounds like you are fast on your way! Go YOU!

      Thank you for your comment! 😀

      1. The “no contact” is the hardest part. I have heard that said over and over, but working through the details of the divorce still require some level of contact as we are trying to file uncontested to save money, and while I am stepping away more each day (and she has moved out of our house into an apartment) and less involved with her I am just not sure if I can completely go no contact until after the divorce. I am open to any advice on this as she is tremendously toxic and yet very convincing using her sweet, good girl persona in front of me and our friends. I am clearly getting to that “no contact” point, but still have to deal with her on a few levels right now – just hate that!!!

        1. Unfortunately going no-contact in the middle of a divorce, is challenging. The only advice I have for you in this case, is to avoid any “discussions”. As much as you are able, reply “yes” or “no”, in order to avoid any twisting or baiting from her to you. I would also recommend recording any interaction between you, no matter how trivial the subject may seem. It’s amazing how these individuals can twist “something” out of ‘nothing” in order to use it against you, later, or to paint a false picture for others to see. Hang in there, Rob!

  5. Pingback: A good reminder… | The Project: Me by Judy

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