I’ve been going through old blog posts of mine, this morning, and I noticed a few things. In the beginning of this blog, I was only free (in a way) of the abuser for a couple of days or weeks. I was in such a horrible place, feeling very much alone, unbelieved, shunned, afraid, paranoid etc. Later, I was still dealing with paranoia and fear. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin, and was still in a terrible place, even two years later. I was fighting to get “Me” back, and gaining wonderful ground…though, occasionally I was put in another bad place, to deal with old wounds, old damage to my boundaries, etc. Things I needed to work on showed their ugly heads. Revelations and plateaus were my hell, again and again, creating the whirlwind effect, as I called it.
Today…it’s almost 4 years away from my hell. The first, most awful one has been done and gone for almost 4 years. Yes, I have dealt with the same patterns a couple more times, but I believe it was to strengthen my resolve, and emotional health. It was still very painful to deal with the Narcissist, first, and then the Pro-social Sociopath, later. I still had to learn to trust my gut. I still had to trust my own perceptions. I came out rather well, if I say so myself. Now, I don’t have the need to look over my shoulder, everywhere I go. I don’t see things through a cloud, in my daily events and decisions. My recollections of the Psychopath and the abuse, are still seen through a cloud. Today, I am grateful for that. Before, the fact that everything was still hazy about that time, created such a horrible anxiety for me. I remembered everything, but it was like seeing it through clouded eyes. That hasn’t changed, for me, as far as remembering the abuse. I believe, now, that it’s my psyche’s way of protecting me from those memories. It’s covering the negative emotions that go along with the memories of that time. Instead of feeling anxiety because of it, today I am grateful for it.
My thought patterns are still changed from how they were, before the psychopath in my life. I still have a hard time thinking clearly in some areas, but it’s better than it has been.
My personality has changed. The way I look at the world around me has changed. How I deal with other people, has changed. So many changes!! But are they bad? Is it a bad thing that I have changed so much? No!
Pre-Psychopath, I was WAY TOO TRUSTING! I was ok with being alone, but craved the closeness of another person. I believed in and trusted others, without them ever earning my trust. I believed that a person deserved my trust, until they proved they were not trust-worthy. That opened myself up for every manner of abuse. When a person did show they weren’t trustworthy, I didn’t trust my gut or instincts. I didn’t trust my own perceptions, and made excuse after excuse for their behavior, whether that was in a relationship, or a friendship. I allowed others to walk all over me, because I reasoned that they were having a bad day, or what-have-you.. This is where the change is a good one. I am nice and cordial to another person, who I meet for the first time…or even a few weeks or months down the road. Now, I also wait to see how they act or react in certain situations and scenarios, before I ever give them my full trust. I don’t divulge any personal information, or any other information that can be twisted and used against me or my family, until I can see what that person is really made of. There are superficial acts of kindness, and there are genuine ones. There are superficial shows of empathy and compassion, and there are genuine expressions of those things. It’s taken me this long to separate the two, and to learn to discern the difference.
I look back at the hell I was in, and see things as they are, now. Mostly my emotional and psychological make-up. Such a huge difference! Gaining ground and becoming more and more healthy. I am happier and more confident than ever before. I don’t worry about another’s perception of me, good or bad. I’m just me, doing my best in this life. I am happy with who I am, now, and no longer grieve the person I was before.
I have said this before, but it hasn’t rang so true…I will never be grateful for the abuse, but I will FOREVER BE GRATEFUL for the changes the abuse forced in me. The outcome is a better place, than before the bastard ever came into my life.
Thank you all, for walking with me, encouraging me and helping me through the most difficult times in my life!! You have all been angels. You are precious and priceless to me.