I’m grateful

I’ve been going through old blog posts of mine, this morning, and I noticed a few things. In the beginning of this blog, I was only free (in a way) of the abuser for a couple of days or weeks. I was in such a horrible place, feeling very much alone, unbelieved, shunned, afraid, paranoid etc. Later, I was still dealing with paranoia and fear. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin, and was still in a terrible place, even two years later. I was fighting to get “Me” back, and gaining wonderful ground…though, occasionally I was put in another bad place, to deal with old wounds, old damage to my boundaries, etc. Things I needed to work on showed their ugly heads. Revelations and plateaus were my hell, again and again, creating the whirlwind effect, as I called it.

Today…it’s almost 4 years away from my hell. The first, most awful one has been done and gone for almost 4 years. Yes, I have dealt with the same patterns a couple more times, but I believe it was to strengthen my resolve, and emotional health. It was still very painful to deal with the Narcissist, first, and then the Pro-social Sociopath, later. I still had to learn to trust my gut. I still had to trust my own perceptions. I came out rather well, if I say so myself. Now, I don’t have the need to look over my shoulder, everywhere I go. I don’t see things through a cloud, in my daily events and decisions. My recollections of the Psychopath and the abuse, are still seen through a cloud. Today, I am grateful for that. Before, the fact that everything was still hazy about that time, created such a horrible anxiety for me. I remembered everything, but it was like seeing it through clouded eyes. That hasn’t changed, for me, as far as remembering the abuse. I believe, now, that it’s my psyche’s way of protecting me from those memories. It’s covering the negative emotions that go along with the memories of that time. Instead of feeling anxiety because of it, today I am grateful for it.

My thought patterns are still changed from how they were, before the psychopath in my life. I still have a hard time thinking clearly in some areas, but it’s better than it has been.

My personality has changed. The way I look at the world around me has changed. How I deal with other people, has changed. So many changes!! But are they bad? Is it a bad thing that I have changed so much? No!

Pre-Psychopath, I was WAY TOO TRUSTING! I was ok with being alone, but craved the closeness of another person. I believed in and trusted others, without them ever earning my trust. I believed that a person deserved my trust, until they proved they were not trust-worthy. That opened myself up for every manner of abuse. When a person did show they weren’t trustworthy, I didn’t trust my gut or instincts. I didn’t trust my own perceptions, and made excuse after excuse for their behavior, whether that was in a relationship, or a friendship. I allowed others to walk all over me, because I reasoned that they were having a bad day, or what-have-you.. This is where the change is a good one. I am nice and cordial to another person, who I meet for the first time…or even a few weeks or months down the road. Now, I also wait to see how they act or react in certain situations and scenarios, before I ever give them my full trust. I don’t divulge any personal information, or any other information that can be twisted and used against me or my family, until I can see what that person is really made of. There are superficial acts of kindness, and there are genuine ones. There are superficial shows of empathy and compassion, and there are genuine expressions of those things. It’s taken me this long to separate the two, and to learn to discern the difference.

I look back at the hell I was in, and see things as they are, now. Mostly my emotional and psychological make-up. Such a huge difference! Gaining ground and becoming more and more healthy. I am happier and more confident than ever before. I don’t worry about another’s perception of me, good or bad. I’m just me, doing my best in this life. I am happy with who I am, now, and no longer grieve the person I was before.

I have said this before, but it hasn’t rang so true…I will never be grateful for the abuse, but I will FOREVER BE GRATEFUL for the changes the abuse forced in me. The outcome is a better place, than before the bastard ever came into my life.

Thank you all, for walking with me, encouraging me and helping me through the most difficult times in my life!! You have all been angels. You are precious and priceless to me.

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12 thoughts on “I’m grateful

    1. Thank you Judy! You have been with me since the beginning. I thank God for you, every day and for your genuine caring and compassion. You are a wonderfully amazing woman 🙂

    1. Thank you, Army! Also, thank you so much for also carrying me through much of it, with your insight and kindness. You have been a blessing. No, this isn’t over, as there is still so much to learn, and in turn put on paper (so to speak). This is just the ending of the biggest part of the healing I have been going through. We never stop learning, and bettering ourselves. You are a wonderful person. Thank you!!

  1. Bernadett

    Hi! Appreciate the time ,the chance to be able to read your blog! Thank you! I would like to unsubscribe though this time! Can you please help me with this! Thanks again!

    >

    1. Hi Bernadett 🙂 I’m glad you were able to read this blog, and hopefully the accounts I have written about during my personal journey, have helped you. The journey isn’t over, as I have by no means arrived. There is still much learning and strengthening to be done. I’m just happy where I am, now, compared to 4 years ago. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to look back, and see each step that was taken, to get to this place. I hope you are doing great as well! Please feel free to come back. I’m not sure how to unsubscribe from a blog, but I will research it and get back with you. I am sorry to see you go. Thank you again!

    2. I think I’ve found how to unfollow a person’s blog… If you go into the page that allows you to read previews of each blog you are following, to the left is a bar that says “Blogs I follow”, and you will find an asterisk(?) or a mechanical cog (not sure what it’s called). Click on that little doo-hicky and it will list all of the blogs you follow. next to each title is an “x”, which, when you click it, will allow you to unfollow. Thank you again, for being here and sharing in this journey. I hope this finds you doing wonderfully!

  2. Happy to hear you have recovered and are doing well after your tumultuous experience. Dealing with someone close that is suffering from a severe mental disorder is never easy. If that someone is the one you are in a relationship its even worse.

    I was married to a woman that was diagnosed as a high level Borderline. On top of that she was from another culture where mental illnesses other than Depression are unheard of, in a society where treatment for mental problems are sketchy (Eastern medicine) and not spoken of because they are associated with shame and therefore taboo. Having been in relationships with women who suffered from Depressions in the past, where I was able to help them change, help them become more optimistic and pleasant individuals, once I found out my partner was a Borderline thought to myself: – “Ok. I can handle this. I can help her. This is the same boss as the level before. It has just switched attack pattern. It has just leveled up. Got to grind that health bar down to zero. Rescue that sweet girl that is trapped inside that awful beast.” (I’m a Game Designer hence the game metaphor.) But I was a fool. Her Borderline was some next level shit way out of my league! I tried everything I could to help her and got severely hurt in the process. It got to a very dangerous place for both of us so I had no choice but to walk away. I left her, a great job, a complete home and her country in less than one week. I returned to my country and spent a year mending in the forest. I also made a series of painting reflecting on the experience. http://osstva.tumblr.com/

    I’m fine and a bit wiser now. Won’t enter relationships with women who have issues any longer. Life is just simply too short for that (I endured 12 years. Thats enough.)

    Reading your blog I think my ex-wife might have suffered from Machiavellianism as well. Scary stuff.

    Hugs from Scandinavia!
    Mike

    1. Hi Mike. First, I am grateful for you, that you were able to walk away from your abusive relationship. Kudos to you for trying so hard, and extra big kudos for walking away, when you realized how damaging and abusive she was/is.

      As you are aware, when we are dealing with adults you are also dealing with a lot of their skeletons. It’s a hard thing to find someone with “no” issues. We all come from different lives and experiences. We are all walking in shadows of past wrongs and hurts. It’s when we walk away from them unscathed or not, and function the best we can, that we become who we are today. Every human has one issue or another. Every human has areas of hurt that are still a little tender. We take offence when none was meant, based on those experiences. When the time is right for you to look for another Mrs. Wonderful, remember this: The important thing is how she treats you, in spite of her “issues”.

      From what you have said in your comment, I feel like you haven’t been away from that hell for very long. Maybe within the last couple of years? You are in a self-protective state, right now. That’s actually a good thing. You’ll be able to spot an abuser a mile away, most of the time. The trick is to grow past it, when the time is right, and learn to trust someone a little more each day. However, also learn to trust your perceptions. It’s not easy to heal from psychological abuse. Every day during that time, brings it’s own level of hell.

      I appreciate you and your openness here. I agree, 12 years is WAY TOO LONG to deal with someone’s abuse. The important thing, though, is you found the strength to walk away! Moving to another country (home), in the aftermath, proves how strong and resilient you are!

      I promise, it does get easier 🙂

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