Guard your heart

Over the past 9 years (hard to believe its been that long), since I got away from my monster, I have had many ups and downs. One thing rings true: I don’t know everything there is to know about anything. I’m still at a loss regarding the manipulative, cruel, taunting jackholes. I thought I “figured” it out, or at least as much as I needed to in order to protect myself in the future. Instead, I have learned the contrary. Narcissists have different personalities and base tactics, though their MO is always the same. I have met the Narcissist, the Machiavellian, and the altruistic passive-aggressive (also known as the Covert Narcissist). Beware the latter. They tear you apart from the inside-out ever * so * nicely *. Beware every one of them, of course. What I’ve found is, the “in your face” variety, though cruel, leaves nothing to the imagination. You get what you experience. They give you one hell of a pile of red flags, to do with what you will. Unfortunately, we choose too often to ignore or explain away those red flags, giving them the ultimate permission to devour us alive. They cause you to doubt your reality and what you are seeing. But they don’t hide very well. The covert narc is cunning and sly. They put on a show for onlookers, and absolutely ignore you, your needs, your polite requests or anything else (after they have won you over, of course) behind closed doors. This person acts sweet and their lies are as smooth as butter. The one thing you will notice…it’s all about them. Everything done or said is viewed as a personal attack. And they retaliate. You won’t be allowed to talk about your day, without the covert narcissist interrupting you to make a joke, incessantly, or interrupt you to talk about themselves constantly. You can’t ask for help with something, without being accused of snapping at them. If you happen to be in a drive thru at a fast food joint, if the person behind the speaker sighs, your newly found covert narcissist will call them “rude”. All I had left was to go quiet. I was silent for quite some time. It didn’t do any good to nicely talk about anything…it was always viewed as some personal attack. When one of my grandkids cried, he (you guessed it) thought it was directed at him. He made himself out to be a victim when my baby grand child cried. No kidding.

Just stupid.

As long as were on the subject…beware ANYONE who has no enemies!!!

Needless to say, the latter has caused a deeper wound than even the monster in the beginning. This is just an update from a woman who has dealt with enough. Had enough. Time to do what needs to be done, without looking or even wanting to find the ever-illusive “good guy”. I’ll be buying a home soon.

I’ve lived my life as I was taught by my beautiful mother. Put all others needs before your own…especially the man. The result of this has been me, paying off “his” bills, paying “his” child support, performing as the proverbial Carolyn Ingalls, for the betterment of her family. I sacrificed everything good I ever was, as well as my potentially successful life, all for nothing. I’m 52 now. I don’t have a career. I don’t own a home. My credit has some dings (otherwise it would be excellent now) due to my “husband” having some surprise garnishments, right after we were married. It seemed he had a tendency of running from bills, calling them “fraudulent” and “invalid”. 6 months of garnishments to a newly married couple, has some detrimental consequences. When we met, my credit was decent. I opened a credit card to pay for his new wedding ring. He bought mine from Pawn 1. For 6 months, I made my own bread, and found recipes for things we buy the packaged mix for. Lawry’s taco mix comes to mind. I wasn’t able to make the payments for his ring, for 6 months!! Anything to help ease the financial burden, expecting it to be over in a couple of months. Once the first one was over, here came garnishment #2. I cashed out my 401k and paid off the bills I had that would go to collection, ignoring the new ones since “it would be over soon”. My credit is regaining strength again.

I taught my daughter the same as my mother taught me. It hasn’t ended well for either of us.

Spare me the critique of my writing skills. Spare me the judgment or ridicule. I am who I am and make no suggestions otherwise. I haven’t “arrived” to some grand epiphany. I am a human who admits mistakes.

Forgive me, readers. Peace to every one of you.



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