Vulnerability and the potential target..


You hear the word “vulnerability” in various contexts. The word, however, always means the same thing. To be “Vulnerable” means there is a notable weakness. A crack in your armor, which can be exploited; being prone to attack. Children, aging adults, and even shoddily protected computer systems, are vulnerable. Computer hackers are guilty for the recent security breaches in many of our major shopping chains, across America. Millions of people’s’ identities are at risk, due to the exploitation of those vulnerabilities found by these perpetrators. Pedophilia is rampant across the globe. Elder abuse, whether in a private home, or state-run facility, often times goes without notice.

The exploitation or abuse isn’t just limited to those who are obviously (to the normal human) vulnerable or weak, or unable to protect themselves. Those who have been previously abused, neglected, attacked or have low self-esteem or lack of confidence, are seen as vulnerable and “weak” by the same depraved individuals, who are looking for someone to use for their self-gratification. It doesn’t just stop there. Are you a giver? A peacemaker? Do you have a selfless nature? Humanitarian? Are you naturally, highly empathetic? These wonderful qualities are seen as weaknesses by the social/human predator, as well. They aren’t seen as “wonderful qualities” by the Sociopath/Psychopath. In fact, the human predator is an astute student in human nature. They interpret these qualities, very analytically. They see “behind” the exterior, into the deepest recesses of our behaviors, exposing our actual needs behind the selfless acts. This is how they are able to mirror us so well. Creepy, huh?

For instance; Are you a selfless giver? A psychopath or Narcissist could interpret that as, “She needs approval and acceptance”. Empathetic? “She needs to feel understood, loved and cared about”. Those of us with less than ideal self-confidence, are especially subjective to becoming targeted and victimized. We are easy to see and weed out from the rest of the herd.

In the past 3 years, I have come to realize that no 2 psychopaths’ personalities are exactly the same. Their M.O. is ALWAYS the same, as in; Love-bombing, manipulation, mirroring, tailoring responses to mesh with our deepest desires, scheming and lying. Some Narcissists and Psychopaths (though very few) aren’t cheaters. However, they ALWAYS gas-light their targets. Some choose those whose vulnerabilities echo their inert weaknesses. Others want to go after the more self-assertive variety. The thrill is in the conquest, after all. The fact remains in that we all, as humans, have some sort of vulnerability. Some of us make the search very easy, while others take more time to ascertain.

Remember…even the Titanic, which at the time was considered “unsinkable”, met with a rogue iceberg which was able to find the slightest weakness in the hull of the ship. The rivets used were iron which degraded in the sea water, weakening the hull enough to be ripped apart by a huge block of ice. Even those of us who are coined with the phrase “unsinkable” and “unmovable”, have a vulnerable area.

Now, the conundrum… We are encouraged to be more vulnerable, by “relationship experts” and the likes of them. I can understand why this is. If we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable at all, we won’t be able to find true human connection. When two people are vulnerable and in turn, protected by each other, then we are able to allow and accept emotional intimacy.

Normal people shudder at the thought of exploiting any of these areas or people, for personal gain. But those people ARE out there. Sociopaths/psychopaths and narcissists, never show vulnerabilities. At least, ones that are obvious to normal people. Predators are secretive. They cover their tracks. They are exemplary schemers and liars. They manipulate you and others around them, so they don’t appear to be anything but how they want others to see them. Lets think about them, for a second. Do the Narc, Soc, or Psychopath truly have “no” vulnerabilities? Or are they just skilled at covering them up? They have skills, that’s for sure. Silence, whether from their chosen victim, or themselves, is absolutely necessary to insure their success. The pro-social Psychopath knows that if they talk too much, for instance, they take the chance of unveiling their true nature and in turn lose their cover. They will be seen for who they truly are, and what their desired end is. They would be unmasked. Was your ex-psychopath or Narcissist very open about their past, or what they do with their time? If they were, how easy was it for you to pick out the lies? The vast majority of them, are NOT open with you about ANY area of their lives…except for those tidbits that would be useful to further gain your trust. Even those things are carefully placed, without revealing too much information to you, and are still dusted ever so slightly in lies.

The #1 vulnerability that the Narcissist/Psychopath has is INSECURITY!!! They are afraid of exposure. They are afraid that the rest of the world will think them less than exemplary human beings (barf). We all know they are incapable of true decency, without the need for schemes. However, they still need constant ego buffing and adulation. They are afraid that someone will know the truth about them. Everything they do stems from this insecurity. I don’t feel the least bit sorry for them, or any inkling of pity. They choose to do what they do, and they know EXACTLY what they are doing. It’s planned, and malicious.

That leaves us with the daunting question of, What can we do to protect ourselves? Especially when different vulnerabilities are seen as exploitable, depending on the personality of the individual predator. I mean, one predator might want an easy-to-find catch. He/she’ll go after the one whose self-confidence is shaken. They want the conquest without the battle. How about the type who only wants the “hard-to-get” prey? They go after those who are self-assured, successful and strong (as they would appear to normal individuals). The same is true, however. Both types of predators find and exploit vulnerabilities. Given the time (and some are quite patient), they will expose your vulnerabilities, no matter how hard or easy they are to see. Again, what can we do to protect ourselves?

First, know their tactics. They always come on strong, giving us the person we’ve always longed to meet. The one we thought didn’t exist. The empathetic, caring, self-effacing gentleman. Gifts will abound. Favors. Etc. They will be loving and attentive. It’s easy…WAY too easy to get caught up in the fairy tale. I think it’s important to take strategic steps back, during the initial days. Revisit what has been said or done, away from them. Learn the phrases they say, or the responses they have to what YOU have said. The twists will be so subtle, it’ll be hard to distinguish at first. Believe me, even in the beginning, they will slip a little bit. How do they make you feel? Do you feel elation, only to be met with a sudden bout of shock? What shocked you? What was your response..even silently? I can’t express this enough… LOVE BOMBING SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE CODDLED!!! You should NEVER allow for it. If they are trying to push too much, too soon, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE walk away from them!

This is such a wide-open topic. I would love to hear your ideas… What are some ideas you might have, to protect ourselves from being targeted? Remember, we will ALL be targets. Not all will become victims…

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/extreme-fear/201010/how-psychopaths-choose-their-victims

http://www.heal-post-traumatic-stress.com/post_traumatic_stress_vulnerable.html

http://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself

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Will Dr. Love save your marriage?


I can’t tell you how tired I am, of the MANY comments I’ve had to trash (gleefully), about Dr. Love, shaheed ramadan (forgive me if I sound horrible) “the ‘spell-caster'”, and the likes of them. I woke up irritable this morning, and after winning the battle against my stupid, annoying alarm clock, opened my comments and here was, yet, another lengthy comment about another spell-caster.

i’m sure that many of you have seen these too, especially if you comment on or follow my blog. It’s slightly amusing to me that they choose to post these advertisements/testimonials directly in the comment section of my entry, “When a psychopath, narcissist, cluster-b, ASPD won’t leave…”. I don’t want to set any comments to be moderated before posting, because others might need to read what you write, even if I can’t respond right away. Nine times out of ten, it’s on this particular entry.

This is BEYOND IRRITATING! If you haven’t already noticed, I do NOT BELIEVE THE TESTIMONIALS OR THE HYPE!

If you are being emotionally, psychologically or physically abused.. If you have been devalued and discarded… If you have been physically or psychologically abused by a Psychopath, Narcissist or just a flat out ASS-HOLE, why would you WANT to keep that relationship? No spell-caster, or person into demonology is going to be able to change the NATURE OF THE ABUSER!

Unfortunately, in the beginning of healing, when you are contemplating leaving the abuser and the horrible situation you are in, you might be fighting the urge to go back to him or stay. “Maybe I am just being unreasonable..” or, “It really isn’t that bad…is it?”. You are in the middle of second guessing yourself, your emotions, your anxiety and fear. This is due to the abuser’s ability and necessity to control you, your emotions, your thoughts and make you BELIEVE YOU ARE ACTUALLY CRAZY!! To some of you, just to read someone else’s words, just might vindicate you. You are probably shocked that some one else said exactly the same thing YOU ARE THINKING, RIGHT NOW! Why? Because I have been through it. Many others, who’s blogs I follow (or follow my own) have been in EXACTLY the same place, with the same thoughts that you are having. It’s an excruciatingly emotional whirlwind you are in, isn’t it? I remember being in exactly the same place, myself, all too well.

You might, in your desperation to cling to your “lost love”, try to enlist the assistance of a supposed “spell-caster”, to try to save your relationship. There are several women (especially) who, regardless of the abuse they are suffering at the hands of the perpetrator, want to have the same cloud-9 feeling that they got in the beginning of the relationship, before the abuse started.  That’s what they see when they look at the one who is, now, belittling them, hitting them, causing such anxiety and fear, and are walking on egg-shells around them, and so-forth. These “spell-casters” prey on people in these situations. They are scam artists and liars. They intend to keep you stuck in your situation so the “spell-casters” can manipulate YOU into falling for the hype. “I’ll give you what you want…for a price”. Hmmm…that is the same M.O. the psychopath uses to get you HOOKED, to begin with! Amazing, isn’t it?? Think about this.

This is the abuse cycle.. it applies in abuse of all types. If you are experiencing this, it’s a clue that you need to get AWAY FROM THE ABUSE AND ABUSER!! The cycle won’t change. The abuser won’t change, and neither will your circumstances, regardless of how much you “believe” in or “love” them.

PhyVio

What it fails to mention are the “Honeymoon phase” and sweet gestures that come in the middle of the cycle, which is used by the abuser to keep the ABUSED, STUCK!!

They don’t want anyone knowing what he is doing. In order to keep the secret alive, you are made to stay SILENT out of fear.

Why would you want this for yourselves? The only way to break the cycle is, to remove YOURSELF from it!

Period.

Now, to the idiots who are leaving there unwanted “testimonials” on my page: YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!!! Stop helping the abuser and the scam artist, by keeping women stuck! What would happen if someone read, and believed your stupid testimonials, and wound up being killed by the abuser as a result? How would you feel, to know you HELPED KILL ANOTHER WOMAN??

Spell-caster testimonials do not belong on an abuse-help BLOG!

If you, who are professing the hype (I assume you are being told to do this, to aid the spell-caster, at his/her request. You are probably being told that it will give the “spell”, power.) This is utter BULL-SHIT!! You might actually be abused, yourself. If this is the case, talk to me. Talk to someone for help, but PLEASE stop pushing this unwanted crap in sites meant to help women OVERCOME ABUSE!!

For the rest of you, I do hope you have a blessed weekend.

Stay strong and keep MOVING!!!

The Machiavellian Personality


I had never heard of this. Yes, I’ve lived under a stump most of my life. I was actually introduced to this term by a link on another person’s blog. I’d never heard the word before, and it had me curious. I clicked on the link and there, in print, was my X-monster! The best article I’ve found on this disorder is; http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic11253.html.  I’ve learned a lot over the last year and a half, but this one is the most validating for me. Please read this article, so you are up to speed on what I’m talking about as well as the traits associated with a Machiavellian. This is my life for over a year. This is what I endured from a Psychopath. As I have said before, my X was good at his game.

Machiavellianism is considered one part of the “dark Triad“, which includes Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machivellianism. These are all considered to fall into the realm of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Personally, I believe if one is considered a “high mach”, they are all of the above, in spades. I don’t think it’s possible for a Machiavellian personality to be anything but Psychopathic. In order to manipulate others in that grand of a scale, it’s proof positive that there is no empathy, conscience or remorse. None. Zilch. Nadda.

I’ve spent this last year and a half trying to make sense of things. Don’t get me wrong, I have been at peace regarding the abuse and abuser, but I still had questions. I still remember each thing he did, each gas lighting endeavor and extreme manipulation, yet something was still missing in finding the name of the monster. I was and am 100% positive I was dealing with a Psychopath. Even with everyone’s stories that I could relate to, my experience still seemed unreal and over-the-top, in comparison. I still felt crazy because I knew everything that happened, caught him in several cons and setting up schemes months in advance, yet even the Psychopaths I had learned about from other women didn’t match completely with my experience. I knew what I knew. I lived it. I was there. There were many “spot on” similarities, where our experiences as survivors have mirrored each other’s, yet when I would describe the patient schemes and con-games my X would set up, how he baited others (including most of all, myself) into acting a particular way in order to see a scheme through to fruition, it felt exaggerated. There is no exaggeration.

They seem innocent and confident. They are always charming and precise in everything. They will drop surprise gifts with a smile on their face, without any notable reason. They will talk to you about subjects that are only important to them. At times, they will ask you why something is important to you, then use your answer in order to destroy it. Know that, even though they seem nice and friendly, Trustworthy and ethical, understand that they are FAR from it. If your skin crawls for no reason while talking to someone, it’s best to get away from them and avoid that person in the future.

The Machiavellian is extremely dangerous. Not only are they skilled in destroying you from the inside, out, they are also very adept at ruining other’s lives, while using the “subject” as their own pawn. There are no limits to what the Machiavellian is capable of. They will blind-side you, even when you feel you have done well to cut him/her off at the pass. When you have trained yourself to think like them, in order to protect yourself. You will never be fully aware of what this individual is doing, until it’s already happened. I caught mine in a final scheme against me, using my friend to set me up. He was care-less in his set-up. He didn’t think I would be able to see it. I did and the rest is history.

I have to re-emphasize the fact that I am NOT a Psychological professional of any sort. I talk like I know my shit, but the fact remains that I am still learning. I’m sharing what I’m learning with the rest of you. I may not have all my facts perfectly straight, and I might be misguided in my thinking at times. Please let me know if that is the case, now. With that being said…

Thank you to all of you fellow bloggers. Without you, I would be lost.

Change of course…How do you win?


In the title, “change of course” was actually meant to say that I’m changing direction in my posts, for a minute. However, it fits this entry, too. I meant it as a change of direction, initially. If you write it as “Change, of course” with a comma inserted, thusly, it changes the entire meaning of that little itty-bitty 3 word phrase.

Ok, the next half…”How do you win?” Change, of course and in a change of course. Have I confused you, yet? I’m good at that. Bear with  me, please. Early new-by’s and semi-seasoned vets (in the wake of Psychological, Narcissistic, Psychopath and Pathological abuse) still battle some things from time to time. This is the only war we will fight that isn’t face to face or hand to hand (I mean after the ending of the relationship). When we leave the toxic relationship, it doesn’t mean the battle is over. Yes, the Narc or Psych will continue his side of the fight through smear campaigns and outright lies. He or she might be vindictive and continue the stalking, in order to stay one step ahead of you. But even this, isn’t what I’m talking about, though in a way it’s included.

In the wake of the abuse, whether that be a few months or a few (or many) years, we still battle the effects of the abuse. *If you have been out of the relationship for a while and you haven’t noticed the inner turmoil subsiding (I don’t mean gone completely), then you are either spinning in place, or have resigned yourself to it. DON’T DO THIS! This means that you lose in the battle, and the abuser WINS!* You are worth more than the ass-hole (male or female) who scrambled you, your confidence and self-worth. You are, in deed and in actuality, ALL COMPLETE HUMAN! That means you have been better than the abuser, from birth. You have ALWAYS BEEN better. Don’t succumb to his or her torture anymore.

Sooo, here we are walking along, doing and saying things that will strengthen us in our daily walk toward wholeness and then all of a sudden, “BAM!” We have a thought that takes us back to the beginning of our battle. For me, this usually happens when I have too much stillness or quiet around me. (like, today) My thoughts go along, willy-nilly, and cause a moment where I am defeated in it. Our thoughts are our own triggers, sometimes. If this happens, turn it around! Take a step or action which combats it. This entry is my step away, by the way, but only as a stepping stone.

I realize that, though I enjoy my days off, they can be counter-productive. My thoughts never EVER stop! I battle the habitual negative thinking, just like any other survivor, from time to time. I started this in the beginning, before I ever met the monster, during my time with him, and now, after my freedom. I’ve been away from him for a year and a half (except those uncontrollable times at work), and I still battle this. The difference, now, vs. the beginning…I realize it! I realize that I don’t have to lose the battle! I realize that I don’t have to be paralyzed by it or succumb to it. I’ve realized it since I left the monster. I’ve battled it daily, since the end of the pseudo-relationship. I recognize a thought creeping in, and shut it down. That doesn’t mean they are gone for good, or that they won’t sneak in unsuspectingly, it just means that I have the tools to shut them down, and OFF, if only just for the moment.

What’s the difference? I don’t settle. I don’t accept this as “the way it is”. I refuse to. I’m better than what I think. I’m better than my past, and I am most DEFINITELY better than the abusers!!

How do we win? Refuse to stay complacent. Refuse to accept less than wonderful thoughts, feelings and things for yourself. He or she will STILL try to keep the fear and negativity fresh in your mind, through their actions while away from you. They know you will hear about it, and count on it to keep your wounds open and raw. Don’t accept it!! This doesn’t mean to seek them out and hurt them, in retaliation. Remember? You are better than that! They aren’t worth the heart-ache or aggravation. They aren’t worth ONE WASTED MOMENT, ON THEM.

This is my own pep-talk, but I do realize that so many others are in the same battle. If being still is what is allowing the negative thoughts to creep up, then get up! Do something productive. Call a friend and encourage them for their day. Wash your car, your house. Take a long shower, and allow the warm water to consume you, and ENJOY IT! When you get out, dress in something that makes you feel beautiful. Do something that makes you feel good. Go for a walk. Anything!!

If the thoughts are REALLY intrusive, on a regular basis…becoming a volunteer for a group that you believe in, is a good way to stay productive toward your OWN healing. I’m actually thinking about volunteering at a local woman’s shelter. We have one that is a lock-down unit for women and children. After a certain time, the gates are locked for each apartment, keeping all inside, safe from attack from an abuser.

The key is to keep moving! Stay POSITIVE! Don’t allow yourself to lose, and the perp to win!! EVER!!!!

You are beautiful. You are strong. You are resourceful.

Find some peace today, in your hearts and minds. You are worth it.

 

Post traumatic stress and ruminating.


I’m not any kind of any sort of psychological professional. I talk about what I’ve lived through and learned because of it. I am not a full-blown scholar with copious amounts of Masters Degrees or a PHDs. I’m just me, talking to you about myself, hoping my experiences will teach you to avoid certain aspects of life. I’m your proverbial mother hen.

It seems that the published community, whether that be of lay-persons or professionals, have just as much trouble defining Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), as they do Sociopath and Psychopath. In the case of this post, I will center on PTSD, which is the chronic form of Post traumatic stress. It’s what lasts for many months or years, without the help of a professional. I will list the article which defines the difference when find it. Yes, giving credit is due, here, but it’s the definitions I’m interested in sharing with you at this point in time.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Is the Chronic form of Post traumatic stress which does not end relatively quickly and may require more intricate help from a psychologist or psychiatrist to find relief. Anti anxiety medications may be needed.  When the effects of trauma last for many months and even years, without evident lessening of severity, it becomes a full-blown disorder. Ruminating is very present, in both acute and chronic PTSD.

Rumination as with PTSD: This is a paraphrase of what I’ve learned and read.. Rumination is very present in PTSD, though it’s not generally understood if this practice is healthy or contributory to PTSD trauma felt, which only adds to the severity of PTSD. I for one believe it can be healthy if it doesn’t become habitual. If a person habitually ruminates in the acute stage of Post-traumatic Stress, it can develop into full-blown PTSD, if not dropped asap. I will explain more in the comment section if you need some clarification.

I’m a firm believer that there are many things that are beneficial to our health and well-being if done or eaten in moderation. That includes ruminating. The key here is in MODERATION.

Rumination can be beneficial to trauma survivors as a coping mechanism. A few years ago, I didn’t know what this looked like in survivors of acute Post-traumatic Stress. Last year I talked to a young woman who had just returned from fighting in Afghanistan. Since I was currently in the same place, I realized I was watching myself in her. She was wild-eyed, talking in earnest about her experiences and what she learned while there. Her experiences were fresh and raw in her mind. She looked and sounded crazy, though I knew she wasn’t. My boss got mad at me for taking time with her, but I knew she needed to vent and have someone listen to her. I gave her a caring ear. She needed someone to listen, and chose me at that point in time. I don’t even know her name.

Ruminating takes on a couple different forms: Mentally stewing over every fact, tear, action and reaction surrounding the trauma or talking about the experience, repeating every word and sentence many times, and every time the survivor tries to speak. Generally, if you aren’t talking about the abuse or trauma, you are incessantly thinking about it. This was me when I first got out of a very real type of hell, with a psychopath. This was me, especially for the first few months after ending the relationship, though for me it lessened continuously with each passing week. I couldn’t understand what I went through. I couldn’t find a way to believe it in order to settle the experience in my heart and mind. I went through a walking nightmare, and when things came to a head, I was left very very confused, and horribly afraid.

This is where a lot of survivors get stuck. There comes a time when you can’t possibly research the abuser, mental disorders, what could have been wrong with you, etc. any more. You have reached a stale-mate in your own psyche and heart. When the learning has been learned and the talking has been talked out, many times our hearts still aren’t settled. This is normal. The difference is how you choose to respond at that point, to the stale-mate. Many survivors get stuck in the mental spin, refusing to settle the issue to the best of their ability. Sometimes they aren’t able to stop, as it has gone on for so long that their minds have developed the habit of ruminating. It in itself becomes a trauma-bond, and addicting. When this happens, you are faced with a choice. Continue on, being stuck or fight to move on. This is why moderation is the key.

We need to allow ourselves the time to process the trauma and abuse. We do need to take whatever time is necessary to be able to move on. However, when this becomes a habit, it is near impossible to let go. In this case, some survivors continuously allow the abuse to continue, being affected still. The abuser is still in control, even though he or she has been out of your life for some time. No one wants that. No one wants to stay stuck in that place. It’s very hard to live through, and sometimes just as difficult to walk away from.

One day (hopefully sooner rather than later) you will realize that you are researching the same old crap, on a different day. You’ll realize that it’s an echo of the previous researching venture. You find yourself running into the same old wall. It hurts, every time. This is when you need to tell yourself, “it’s over”. You need to find the only bit of understanding there can be or is, “It just happened.” or “It just ‘is'”. Understanding this doesn’t mean that you’ll stop hurting over night, or that the effects of the abuse won’t linger, some. It just means you are ready to take another DECIDED step in the right direction.

Breathe deeply, with each step you take. If this post finds you in exactly this place, find peace in your heart, knowing you are recovering. Fight his voice in the meantime and center on EVERYTHING positive. Don’t let negative thoughts be so intrusive that you are unable to function. Don’t stop moving forward. When the right direction isn’t clear, then be determined to keep MOVING! As long as you continue to move toward healing and a healthier life, you won’t be stuck, and soon will be able to say “I am STRONG!”

 

Why I made it out after a little over one year


Today, while plugging along in my new duties at work, I kept thinking about a couple of things. This has been a topic of discussion, or reasonable mention, for a little while now. I wanted to address it, because I believe it’s important for others to understand, too: It’s the reasons I was able to see the Monster and his evil, slimy hide so early and as a result, was able to find the strength to leave.

The reasons were two-fold (quite possibly 3).

I learned some of the tactics he was using against me (and others) when I was very young, as a curious topic. I had an insatiable drive to learn whatever I could get my hands on, or what I thought sounded interesting. For whatever reason, I noticed several things that were pretty standard behaviors and reactions among people which are natural and universal (in normal humans who have a conscience and are strong empaths). I noticed them, saw what things, words and tones brought about certain reactions, and realized just how easy it would be to get someone to act the way you wanted them to, without the person realizing it. It was a curiosity for me, much like Astrology and personality traits. It was never something that was callous on my part, or something that I would EVER use in an evil or self-serving way. I’ve never used it against anyone. I just learned that type of manipulation was possible. It was the same with Brainwashing tactics. I learned it for no reason but to learn the facts behind it. This was one thing that allowed me to see the abuse and manipulation earlier. Both of these are part of Brainwashing, by the way.

English: A large chess game inside Enoch Pratt...
English: A large chess game inside Enoch Pratt Free Library in Baltimore, MD, USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In a video I saw recently, it compared the methods of this type of psychopath to a game of chess. Each piece on a chess board has a particular move. They never differ in those moves. The player can use each chess piece to manipulate their opponent into moving in a desired direction, setting them up for defeat. The pieces are people who the psychopath chooses to be pawns or blind patseys. These people are set up against the chosen prey, without realizing their role in the game, to guide the victim to act or react in a particular direction, which guides him/her to be defeated. They also use carefully placed lies, told with just the right “tone” to make it more believable. Much like the shepherd and his gentle prodding of his staff guiding sheep to slaughter. How many parallels can I come up with? It’s all gross manipulation at its worst. It’s gas-lighting, crazy making, sly talk with a slithering, forked tongue. It’s evil and dangerous, when you are dealing with a Psychopath who has no natural limits to what he/she is capable of. It’s cruel anyway, but especially in the hands of a Psychopath. This is what got my final attention.

When I met my X, he was only charming until we exchanged phone numbers, basically. He was only a gentleman for a very short time. Looking back, it seems like he was already rushing to get the “job” done with me. He wasted no time.  It was only a few weeks in, that he started dosing me with his crap. At first, it was to see how I would react. What made me tick. What would make me feel guilty and be easily swayed. It’s what made the rest of his tactics work as well as they did. He knew I didn’t trust my instincts, and that an angry tone would get me to cower or second-guess myself. He used this with great cunning and skill.

Most people aren’t placed in the same type of scenario. Their monsters (whether it be male or female psychopaths) were more patient with them and in implementation of the scheme of control and assimilation, I assume. The grooming stage was more slowly played, setting the victim feeling overwhelming euphoria just in his or her presence. It’s this stage that makes us believe everything GOOD about him or her.

For me, the grooming stage was intermittent with quick guided taunts and demeaning statements. It was mixed with quick bursts of anger and accusations, then when I would be upset by the shock, it wasn’t him at all that caused it. It was because of “past relationship issues” or what-not. This was within a matter of a couple of weeks. He would do nice things, and then within a few hours he would say something cruel or twist a scenario, words, or his perceptions in order to get me confused, and shaken. I was already guided into being afraid to contradict or question his actions. Instead, I silently stirred everything around in my mind, as I knew nothing he was trying to get me to believe was at ALL correct. However at the same time, I was battling in the same way, trying to convince myself that I was wrong about him. I wanted so bad to believe he was still the sweet gentleman that I met. He was horribly jealous. But not just jealous…absolutely paranoid to the point that he had to keep my entire household on edge. With each gas-lighting attempt, I would utter some nonsense statement to myself, in order to try to convince myself that the abuse didn’t just happen that way; that he didn’t just try to convince me of an obvious lie. While I had the good vs evil dialogue playing back and forth in my mind, I was gradually but incessantly becoming conditioned to act and react the way he directed. I was still aware of the anxiety, fear and confusion inside of me. I was aware where it was coming from and what caused it. You notice the pin wheel effect, here? That’s what my thought processes were, the entire time during that year. There was a battle going on, between my gut and my reasoning. I couldn’t shut off my intuition or fear. The more I ignored it, the more my body revolted against me.

When you continuously ignore those warnings that your body sends you, it begins to erupt in the form of illness, panic attacks, weight loss, and so many others. It’s better to listen when your body is trying to tell you something with intuition or fear. Me, I was affected by constant anxiety and fear. My weight dropped drastically to below 10o pounds, and never above 102. My normal weight is 120. I had a nervous breakdown right in front of him. Imagine the fun he had with THAT!

It was solely my curse of incessant introspection and extrospection that kept me thinking about what I was seeing, hearing and experiencing from the monster. I was constantly aware of my body’s reactions to what was said or done, including lies and set ups against me. I was completely aware when he would set someone up to believe a lie. I was aware when he did that to me. I was aware when he set up a scheme to be used at a later date. How he set it up, what was told to whom in order to make the job easier, and so on. I was ALWAYS aware. I just ignored, placated, second-guessed myself, and became the fargen jelly-fish for his sake. After I realized how bad he was for me, I was too afraid to walk away. I didn’t know what he would do if I did, so I stayed in that hell, trying to find the best “diplomatic” way to break up with him.

You see, There are 2 or 3 things that enabled me to see him for what he was/is, sooner. 1) The fact that I studied those very tactics so many years prior to my jaunt with the Psychopath, that after some time I recognized them. 2) Though he DID try to groom me to be more receptive to him, he was impatient and pushed the abuse too soon…I mean the more obvious abuse. 3) My curse or blessing of the art of introspection and extrospection. Self analysis.

With these, I was forced to end things as a matter of safety, finally. It was a final scheme he set me up for, that I caught him in and all at once, realized that he HAS NO LIMITS AS TO WHAT HE WAS CAPABLE OF. Just that knowledge made me realize how evil he really is, and how much danger I was in.

There was still a lot of damage done. It didn’t have to be that way, though. I was aware of the warnings my body was giving me, but didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t trust myself and instantly reasoned everything away. It didn’t silence my intuition or awareness of what he was causing to erupt in ME. I allowed for the abuse to continue. I created the perfect scenario for him to really get deep into my psyche and cause damage. Some areas are really bad. I may talk about that in a later post.

The effects he caused in just one year, are the same as those caused in a victim (now survivor) who had been a pathological relationship for many years. I say that because the symptoms I have and the battles, reaffirmation, purging and so on, are the same as other survivors who were in it longer. I am living it. I lived it. I know what is left of me. I am lucky that I was able to see him sooner and begin the healing process. He was good at his game, very thorough and conniving. His tactics and abilities are so fine-tuned, he can cut you apart while making you believe he’s giving you a massage.

I still consider myself lucky, in the grand scale, though not so much because of the damage left. The healing that I have seen so far, is also being brought about by my awareness and self-analysis. The same that was around during that year with the monster. I’m a thinker. I analyze. I come up with ideas of how-to, and attempt to put them into practice. So far, it’s worked for me for the most part. If it doesn’t, I breathe, change directions and try again.

I hope this has answered some questions you might be having.

Taking a break is the next best step…


I believe that taking a break from blogging right now, is a good idea. I won’t be deleting my blog or anything of the sort. It’s time to start living again. I won’t be dating or toying with the idea for quite some time, but I have realized that I need to LIVE now. I’ve spent countless hours writing down every step that I’ve gone through..every phase that has hit me along the way. I have written these down for any other new survivor that finds themselves in the same place I was, in the beginning.

I’ve hashed and rehashed every possible thing about my Psychopathic X. While still in the relationship I understood that he was psychologically abusive, and decided to try to understand just what I was in. What type of man is he? Why was I so buried with anxiety and confusion? I spent many hours, days and months trying to understand. When I finally understood what he is, (that was pretty close to the end) I got away. I was finally allowed to see just how dangerous he is, and was finally able to see the monster without the veil of pseudo-humanity.

I got away, and with time I came to grips with what I had been through, which included the abuse. I learned to differentiate between every type of psychological abuse the monster used against me, in order to keep me silent, shaken and very very unsure of everything around me…that included myself. I was able to be “ok” with everything, and accept that there are evil people out there that prey on women like me. I was too visible to a predator.  There are no neat little boxes to put the experience in, as it will never make total and complete sense. But, I’m ok with that, now. The box is called “disorder”, and rightfully so. The entire relationship, every day of it, can be categorized as “disordered”. The monster himself, is also “disordered”. That’s the best understanding I have and am able to give you, the new survivor.

Every step from that point on, was with the need and decision to get my life back. To get MYSELF back. I needed him COMPLETELY out of my life. If I was remaining centered on HIM, I would never move forward. I would have lost…He would win. I couldn’t allow that.

I learned to silence his voice in my head for the most part. There are still some very triggering things, that I haven’t learned how to grow past yet, but as it has been in every other step and area, that will come.

The place I am in, now, is going to be a long road. I think I will be stuck talking about the same stuff that I’ve learned up to this point. I’ve been able to find the keys to complete recovery, and the rest..the ease of which will come with more practice.

Today marks no mile stone, other than the fact that I have come “this” far. I’m not giving up in the least! I’m so elated to finally be almost completely free of his effects, I can hardly stand it! I’ve begun the process of recognizing those difficult things about me that made me such an easy target to catch, and worse…to hold onto. It’s these things that will take time to perfect.

The boundaries aspect will take as much time as the redefining of myself, to see to fruition. Though, I highly doubt if I will ever completely ‘arrive” to total completion. That would mean I’ve reached perfection. I am, and will always be, human. I will make mistakes in my life. I will probably meet another like the monster. There in lies the entire reason for reaffirming and building boundaries. It’s the reason for recognizing and changing the difficult things about myself, so when that day comes, I won’t allow myself to be food for another SPATH. I will recognize and trust my instincts without fail. But, even more than that, I am changing and respecting every new and old boundary I have, from this day forward. Not just so I won’t have a repeat of hell in my life, but so I will finally be WHOLE! Holistically whole. Healthy boundaries, healthy views of myself and others, and complete. It’s the person I had never met, that is the reason for all the changes and affirmations, now.

That person is myself!

My instincts have NEVER ONCE failed me! I will repeat that, because I have said that to friends and gotten some flack over it. MY INSTINCTS HAVE NEVER, EVER, FAILED ME. They have always been true and faithful. It’s my distrust of myself and of those instincts, that allowed the abuse to continue as long as it did. My X started showing me his true nature, early on. I was so caught up with who I thought I met, I just wouldn’t allow myself to believe anything less. It was when I was hit with TOTAL reality that I couldn’t ignore the abuse anymore, or excuse it, or find more “patience” with that “poor man”. I have gone through several abusive relationships in my life. I have never had the wherewithal to change, nor did I ever see the need to recognize the unhealthy characteristics about myself that wound up hurting me every time. I thought I was fine and it was all the asshole’s fault. It wasn’t until I was psychologically raped and almost destroyed as a result, that I was finally able to recognize that there was SOMETHING about me that I needed to learn and ultimately, change. I place no blame anywhere. The psychopath is being true to his disorder and can’t be expected to be anything else. He thinks its amusing to play the game. That’s what his disorder creates. I feel no sympathy or pity for the monster. He knew what he did in placing every pawn and scenario, calculatedly and without remorse, and  tried to destroy me a little more with each passing day. It was fun for him to do this. I was a game to him.

Never again.

I have been able to be ok with everything, or as much as I am humanly able. I have made peace with the abuse, in as much as I am able to right now. I have made MORE peace than was there a year ago. I will NEVER make peace with the Monster. No contact means absolutely NO CONTACT…EVER! Just because I am more at peace with the abuse, doesn’t mean the predator has had a life changing epiphany, too. He never will. Ever.

So, as each day continues from here, I will continue to reaffirm my validity as a human being. I will AFFIRM the fact that my feelings are worthy of their own grand-stand (in a way). It’s ok for me to request that others respect me, as much as I respect them. It’s ok to walk away from a situation or person who refuses to respect my boundaries. When my age-old intuition starts playing the harp with my nerve endings, it is ok for me to listen and trust it. I have always, deep down, had my own interests at heart. It’s ok for me to validate my OWN life, my OWN NEEDS, and so-on.

From here, I will continue breathing, taking each day…each step…as it comes. Sometimes there isn’t a “right” way or direction to go in our healing process. There are no rules, as we each heal differently. Understand that the sooner you are able to focus on YOURSELF, the better off you will be. Keep in mind that when there is no “right” way, the ONLY right way is to MOVE YOUR FEET! Life and situations will meet you, that will facilitate your own healing, as long as you aren’t allowing yourself to stay TRAPPED in a wounded state of mind.

The you that you will meet along the way, will astound you. You will amaze you, as I have been amazed through every day of my journey.

I will continue to read your posts and comment. I will continue to be there for other survivors, so feel free to talk to me. I’m still here.

Thank you for every one of you!

Most steps are unsure, but it’s necessary to take those steps anyway!


In the beginning of the end of my toxic relationship with my X-monster, I can’t say things were pleasant, easy or anything of the sort. There was nothing easy at all. The easy thing, however, would have been to allow myself to be defeated by the emotional/psychological rape and minefield I had been subjected to. I couldn’t stand the idea that, with every painful echo of his voice left in my thoughts and memories, he would be allowed to win this battle. He set out to create a moldable glob. One that he could manipulate into being. One that he could pressure into silence for the duration of whatever life I would have left. I couldn’t stand the thought that in getting into the relationship, I willingly went to war. The war was over my own psychological health and being. I couldn’t stand the idea, after fighting so hard to get away in the end, that he could ultimately win.

I wouldn’t and could most definitely NEVER allow him to win. For the sake of all that is or ever was, good.

I’ve mentioned before, how, after initially getting away from the monster, I was hit with daily anxiety attacks for about 2 weeks after. I want to stop and make known that in the middle of several of these episodes, I DID try to call in to work and try to get the day off. Things were so excruciating for me in the beginning that it was VERY difficult to just leave my own home. I was scared, pure and simple. Even though I didn’t initiate this step myself, it became the first step toward later and greater healing. My boss said simply, “No, we really need you to come in.” This was his common response each time I tried to cry “uncle” in those days that were pure hell for me. I was forced to leave my home and go to work. I didn’t want to go. I got angry at his supposed callousness toward my plight. I was angry at him, but I still went to work. I didn’t want others to suffer for my absence. I couldn’t afford the time off financially, either. I sheepishly opened my door, walked to the carport, checked for any sign of my X lurking around, then RAN to my car! I have recently called my boss to thank him for that. He didn’t know it, but he was instrumental in the beginning stages of my recovery, and may have well saved my life. He didn’t know how to respond, but  said, “thank you..”. He must have thought I was off my rocker. I don’t care. I appreciated that in his refusal to give me the day off, he actually DID help me in the biggest way.

1) in the beginning of healing from a toxic relationship, it is MOST IMPERATTIVE for you to MOVE! I don’t mean to move from your home, but refuse to allow yourself to be a prisoner to the hell that is from mental and emotional purging. That’s what I attributed the anxiety attacks to. I was in an ever-increasing state of severe anxiety, at the hands of my psychopathic X. When I was finally free, that overload had to go SOMEWHERE. It was natural for it to come out in some way. It had to. Pick up your normal, daily routine IMMEDIATELY, regardless how you feel. Move your feet, especially when it seems impossible. It’ll give you strength for the rest of your healing recovery.

I realize that even though things seem as though it has been easy for me to move forward, I can assure you, nothing has been easy or simple. The only thing has been at all easy is, DECIDING NOT TO BE STUCK. All I knew is, I didn’t want to hang onto anything left from that POS. That included lingering lack of confidence, fear, being unsure and scared of my surroundings, etc. I recognized the areas that were important to me, were a favorite choice of attack for him. I refused to let him win. I wanted things back. I wanted ME back…everything that made me, me, that he tried to destroy. I set out to reaffirm who I am, and the areas that meant so much to me as an individual. Keep in mind that this part of the process has taken pretty much the entire past year to get to this point. Everything I would do, was out of necessity for survival and to contradict every area my X tried to infiltrate. If he tried to shock me out of confidence in any particular area (such as singing for instance), I was determined to take it back, in whatever means I could. If he said, “You suck at “—” “, I would purposefully fight against it by acting in direct opposition to that conditioning. That’s pretty much the avenue that’s been taken through out this process. I would see his face and hear his voice in every “I can’t” statement that would hit me, or the, “I’m scared” statements, and decide to do the exact opposite. I was still afraid, but I couldn’t let him win…EVER. I took back as much confidence as I could. There are areas that I haven’t found out how to conquer yet, but as my life over this past year and 1/2 has proved to me… each victory truly HAS showed with each first uncertain step.

There has never been any “self-help” books for me, or “How to” articles. All I had to go on has been the support of other bloggers that I’ve met in this blogosphere, which I don’t mean to negate in the LEAST! Without your support and strength, I wouldn’t be doing near this well. I also had the putrid taste in my mouth left from that puke’s psycho-babble, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I recognized that the entire relationship, including every tiny bit of ammo he tried to use against me from the beginning, was nothing but falsities and absolute LIES. I wanted no part of anything left after I got away from him.

After my thinking shifted from him and the relationship, to me and what about me needed to change so I don’t have any sort of repeat ever again in my life, I started doing some serious soul-searching. I had a few talks with my Mom during this, which helped me to gain a better understanding as to WHO I am, and how I came to have some of the issues I’ve had throughout my life. Each one of these things that have transpired, has worked together to bring me to this place, now.

There isn’t one thing that I’ve tried with confidence, other than the fact that I needed to do “something”. In regards to boundaries, it was sort of by accident that I formed a game plan. I haven’t “arrived” there, of course, in that I am nowhere near completely and 100% confident and comfortable in every situation. Not in the least, really, though this is getting better. With more practice, I know this will continue to grow and thrive. I recognized the fact that the boundaries I had that WERE solid, were shaky in the aftermath of the pathological, toxic relationship. I had to reaffirm those boundaries, first. But everything had been shaken. EVERYTHING! I only recognized the need…not the “how’s”. Step one… learn to recognize and accept when your intuition is trying to get your attention. Learn to act accordingly. Let “no” be the #1 word you say in such an instance. It may be easier to walk away from the situation or person entirely, until you are stronger in that area. I just “started” doing this. It was the direction that seemed the most obvious. It was easy to recognize that it was HIGH time that I believed my own intuition. It’s easy to say that, I believe, after getting out of a relationship with a Narc or Psychopath. Intuition is important, necessary and 100% unequivocally, absolutely CORRECT…absolutely EVERY time! This fact has finally been beaten into my otherwise once senseless head! Ok, I finally get it and accept it. It’s easy to accept when so many areas are still raw and painful.

Start allowing yourself to “see” the difficult facts about yourself, which caught his attention in the first place, and then enabled the abuse to continue. You are NOT a bad person, nor is any of the abuse YOUR FAULT!!! Please believe that. However, that said, there are personality characteristics that are attractive to the psychopath, sociopath and/or narcissist. High levels of empathy and caring, exist in the target. If a person has ever been abused as a child, this is something that is most often visible to the predator. It means that the intended target might have some self-esteem issues (just an example) and are an easy meal. The target doesn’t need to tell the psychopath about her abusive past. He already knows by watching and taking mental note. Again, this is NOT your fault! YOU ARE NOT BAD!! However, it is in the weakened areas within us, that enabled the abuse to start, but most of all to CONTINUE! It’s why we didn’t get out sooner. It’s why he was able to manipulate and redirect our thinking for a time. It’s why we isolated ourselves from friends and family. it’s why we willingly lived in fear. Why would we do that??

This is another step that started with being unsure of which direction and step to take. I recognized my previous inability to believe my own intuition…as if I actually knew better… yeah right! My past can attest to how wrong my thinking has been throughout my life, until now. What makes it so hard to stand up for ourselves? Fear of negative emotion? Do we believe that our existence is actually for the guys in the world? Are we REALLY meant to be and remain as, tools?

Each one of us has a different story to tell, as to why we would allow for such atrocities in our lives. There are many reasons. Repeated invalidation while growing up. Previous physical, mental, emotional or even sexual abuse by others..maybe by family member, preacher, childcare provider…what was your Achilles heel? I believe I can safely say, NONE OF US…NOT ONE…HAS EVER WANTED TO ENDURE ANY ABUSE FROM ANYONE! None of us wanted the abuse. We didn’t go into the relationship, thinking, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he manipulated me into relaxing my boundaries enough that he could keep me silent around others?” Of course we didn’t. However, in our actions and refusal to stand up for ourselves, the Psychopath actually treats us as if we “asked” for him to be abusive. In our inaction, we invalidated our need to be treated as wonderful loving people, and instead we validated HIS need to CONTROL AND ABUSE US! How do we break this?

Quietly, at first, if it’s necessary to teach ourselves. The important things is in the action. it’s in recognizing our own need for boundaries, holding fast to them..and expecting others to respect them as well. If someone is being disrespectful of our boundaries, it’ll spark some “red-flag” moments. Learn to recognize these times, and DON’T HESITATE to react. It doesn’t mean to be mean to someone. It does mean, however, that you express in some way, your displeasure. You re-emphasize that particular boundary and demand that it be honored. If that person refuses, then walk away from them. They aren’t worth your time. You don’t have to appologize or leave an explaination for your departure. It’s in your departure that they will understand. They already know they were being an ass. You don’t have to tell them. Each time, you will become stronger and more self-assured.

This is the place I’m in now, but with some wonderful twists showing along the way.

Succeeding in the recovery/healing process is, quite litterally, a step away. With each action there is an equal and opposite REACTION. If you start moving forward (whatever direction that might be for you), recovery will meet you in the middle. Every step, every motion, every necessary progression. Recovery and healing will come…and keep coming…even if you don’t know “how” to accomplish “something”. All you need to do is do “something” that is moving progressively forward. You will find your way through.

This is a long process, but as long as we NEVER stop, or call defeat, we will make it.

I’m stronger than I was yesterday. I’m most definitely stronger than I was a year ago! I’m glad for guiding hands…where ever they are. I see the evidence…

The skin crawling sensation


This past week or 3 has been a flood for me! Ground-breaking realizations have abounded and seemingly ‘bounded’ all around me. All of these have been necessary, though I won’t say at all, fun.

One of these is something I realized about 1/2 way through my time with the Monster. Part of what made my skin ‘crawl’, or the sensation of it, was when my X would talk “too much”.

I’ll back up. But, before I do, I do NOT want to keep rehashing everything and in doing so, appear as though I’m not on the right road to recovery by my refusal to move forward. Actually, I’m moving forward, backward, side-ward and loop-de-loopward (spell-check isn’t going to like that one). Sometimes its in the memories that our biggest “ah HAH!” moments come through. As we heal, we also uncover things from our past. It’s like a veil has been lifted and we can finally SEE. This is no different in the aftermath of a Psychopath. It can seem that we are stuck ruminating, being drawn or addicted to the ‘victim’ state for validation or sympathy. Don’t get me wrong. For some, it is EASIER to stay stuck than push through to the “you” that you’ve needed to validate all along. Not the victim, but the person you were supposed to be! Changing, learning and growing in the wake of psychological and emotional rape. Clear? Clear!

Skin crawling. It always happened when he was saying something to me. ALWAYS something out of the blue, with no preliminary phrase or action, it was just “there”. I learned to recognize what happened prior to the sensation. One of which was a change in his normal tone. He was normally abrupt and determined. When he was fishing for information or covering “something” up with a precursor/lie, his voice was sing-songy and unsure. It was obvious that he tried to cover it up with spot jokes, but my intuition was always quite adept at recognizing these things. It was my “introspection/extrospection” talent which allowed me to put the pieces together. Let me tell you, IT SCREAMED AT ME!

*Just a thought…brainwashing, as I learned years ago, can also include certain tones the perpetrator uses, including a “sing-songy” voice, intended to soothe and lure the victim.

Here were some of the instances. I won’t list details as many will recall some of these scenarios, but if you are curious about any of these, let me know and I will give you details… The Key… The “how many men have you been with” lines… The attack early on about my ex-boyfriend trying to get me back when he previously seemed supportive of me and the concern I had… the push to get me to go to management to turn in an old co-worker from the gas station I worked for, for sexual harassment… and finally: Trying to get me to say something negative about a co-worker.

Each and EVERY time, the skin crawling sensation was a reaction to his out of the blue statements or questions, and was in conjunction with some scheme he was setting up to be implemented even MONTHS down the road. Many times I could figure out what he was scheming, which worked in my favor. Other times, I couldn’t figure out his scheme until later..then it was the most earth-shattering “ah hahh” moment, and very very shattering to me.

I was never wrong, by the way, when I finally figured out how to think like him. How to recognize these “set-up” times.

He talked too much. Prior to finishing up the finalities of his schemes, he felt the need to set up a plausible lie or lies. He tried to cover his steps with camouflage…a lie, a suggestion that he counted on to steer me (or others) away from his intent. The “key” was one of these. I will say, he constantly schemed against me primarily, though I’m sure his scheming wasn’t limited to JUST me.

One of the things I’m known for with my friends is, thinking and analyzing upon waking up. This is one realization that hit me first thing this morning.

Why the incessant lies and cover ups? Why would he say SO MUCH in order to mislead me or others? Why did he ALWAYS go too far in the lies, which always exposed his true intent?

HE DIDN’T TRUST HIMSELF! Light bulb goes here! Lightning, fan-fare, the crowd roars…”YEAHHHHH”.

The number one thing I discovered about him in my search for understanding (while still in the relationship) was that he was highly paranoid. Paranoid Personality Disorder and symptoms of it, fit him to a “T”. He trusts NO ONE in his life. I think least of all, himself. He doesn’t trust his ability to keep from exposing his lies and disturbed self to everyone around him. He doesn’t want to get caught. It isn’t because he has a conscience, which would keep him from doing wrong. It’s because he didn’t want to be discovered. Psychopaths have a social understanding of right and wrong. They know what will get them into trouble or have adverse effects that would remove the veil for ALL to see! They know (at least a book-knowledge) right and wrong. They know what they are doing to you, as the victim. It’s intentional and CALCULATED.

I think this is important. It’s important for other survivors to understand a little more about WHY he did what he did. It still makes no sense from a human standpoint, But, we didn’t deal with a HUMAN, now did we?

One more notch for me!! One more thing conquered on this road of healing. I’ll write about all the other ones, later.

Regrowth, reaffirmation, validation, establishing and solidifying old and new boundaries. These are all successes that I look back on as steps ALREADY CONQUERED in this journey.

Once the light goes on, the steps become easier. A huge door has been opened to me and the garbage is spilling out and away from me!

Understanding is such a strength!

 

Manipulation by using human characteristics against the targets


This is part of the “shift” I was mentioning in a previous post (The shift: Recognizing brainwashing…). The first part, recognizing brainwashing, was an easy one to describe. This one won’t be so easy. I’ll do my best, though.

This probably has an “official” title or description, somewhere. Unfortunately, since I really don’t know what to look for, I can’t find documentation about it. All I know is it’s very common for Psychopath‘s to do this.

As I mentioned in that post, i learned this by watching and studying people, what makes them react, how they react in certain situations, and so-on. This is also why I noticed my X using this tactic. He’s got it down to a science. My choice to study, compare notes and pay attention to others was just a personal curiosity. Much like studying people in regards to astrological signs. It’s all factual/circumstantial information that I was mulling around. Comparing notes, so-to-speak. I was pretty young when I first started noticing these things about people. Their reactions were always natural ones. For a psychopath, this is something he can use AGAINST someone, or for his own benefit. He can bend them to cause the victim or pawn to act in a certain way, which would give him the ability to appear as a victim, and not the other way around. In order to do this, you have to cause the person to act in accordance with what you want without realizing that is actually what is happening. It works, I promise you. Even with my knowledge of such things, I still fell for it.

This is why it’s important NOT to react in ANY way to gaslighting, arguing, suspicions that the psychopath causes in you, and so on. It’s a trick! Honest to God! It’s designed to make you act in accordance with HIS will. It’s a means to a desired end of the Psychopath’s.

It’s gross manipulation, at it’s best.

I think the best way to let you in on it, is to describe a couple of scenarios that happened with my relationship (Just an ‘FYI’, I HATE referring to that time as a “relationship”…).

I mentioned this scenario in a previous post of mine. My X was precise in his speech. He didn’t make simple slip-of-the-tongue mistakes, nor did he “accidentally” do anything. Everything he said and did was calculated. The earliest one I can think of was when we exchanged house keys. About a week later, he came to me as if he “accidentally” made an extra key of MINE! I gave him a copy of my house key, previously. “Here, when I made a copy of my key, I got yours mixed up by accident.” He handed me a freshly made key. Just one. I wasn’t aware of the truth until I really got to understand the monster. Everything he did was “in case” I broke up with him. I took him at his word at the time, and poo-poo’d it away as an “oops” of his. I thought he was entirely human. Of COURSE humans do such things. Instantly, my skin crawled when he let me know of the mistake. This was the first time ever that I experienced this sensation. I thought this was odd, so I dismissed it, too. The skin crawling sensation was one that became commonplace, when dealing with things he tried to convince me of or things that he would just “say” out of the blue. I have wonderful intuition. It’s never wrong. I just didn’t trust myself to believe it.

He counted on my normal, human tendency to be understanding to enable the lie. He made a key to hold, in case I took mine back. He would be able to let himself into my house at will, after a breakup. There were 2 keys that he “accidentally” made. Not just one. The one he gave me was a dummy key. When I tried to get my key back, in the end, I remembered the second key. I called our shared landlord and asked permission to change the locks. Problem with key #2, done.

Another scenario…this one he used a couple of times: He did endless searches online, for profiles that I either currently held, or held in the past. He searched through people search engines to find out information about me that he could use. I remember one day, he said something about “Facebook, er I mean MySpace…” Again, my skin crawled. I was still under the impression that he was still human, though very suspicious, jealous and extremely paranoid. Thinking this was another “oops” on his part, I wondered to myself, “Now, what could he have possibly found on Myspace?!” The first step was to enter his email address into the MySpace search box. Voila, he had a profile that was marked ‘single’. I asked him about that, and why. He then let me know that I had a profile marked ‘single’ and had my boyfriend, “Tom” on there. I told him I deleted my profile quite a few years, prior. He entered my name into the search, and amongst ALL of the other profiles with the exact same name, he said, “See? There!” He clicked on it. It was an old profile that I forgot about. It was probably my very first one, that I forgot all log in information about. It didn’t even have my picture, only that of my dog and cat. He did this again about MyLife.com. Of course I checked to see… This time I went onto his profile to see what he searched, to find information about me. He already got onto my ex-husbands’ profiles, my mom’s, both daughters, ex-wives of ex husbands, and so-on. I couldn’t believe he was that obsessed that he would stalk my MOTHER!

Can you see what he did here? I used his computer to look. He originally tried to convince me that he knew nothing about computers. In actuality, he was/is quite astute with them. He had snap-shots soon enough, that he tried to use to “prove” that I was stalking HIM online. He planted a suggestion that he counted on, in order to make me suspicious enough to check. Boom…instant about face, with me appearing to be a stalker. Any human would fall for it, not even thinking that it was a trick.

It was soon after this that I started to recognize when he would manipulate (or try to) by suggestion or introducing a word, to cause me to act accordingly. He counted on my humanity to be able to manipulate me. Humans are humans. We are all known to react the same way, to certain things.

Here’s an example… we all remember the scenario of a person who just randomly stops outside, and stares into the sky. This is also manipulation. What happens? Every other person stops near the original person doing the staring, and begin to stare with him, trying to see what he’s looking at. Here’s another one… A person walking down a sidewalk, veers to one side as if to miss stepping on or tripping over an object. The closest person behind him, reacts in kind, also veering to one direction, only to notice afterwards that there is nothing there. You can do this in a car, too, and the driver behind you will swerve to miss “nothing”. If you walk by a friend and sniff the air near him/her as if it smells bad, you can watch from around the corner while that person quickly sniffs their arm pits, checks garbage, etc to try to find the adverse smell. Of course it was the intended outcome of the original sniffer to cause the person a moment of insecurity, questioning their own smell.

The psychopath will do this in order to get pawns to react a certain way, and/or the victim to react in order to harm the intended victim. The scenarios the psychopath will use might be different, but the rules are the same. Introduce a word, phrase, or what-have-you, intended to get a desired reaction. The target reacts accordingly, based on their NATURAL HUMAN CHARACTERISTICS!

It’s viciously calculated, and it WORKS!

I mentioned a time I used this with my daughter. I had a cordless mouse and keyboard, that had their own rechargeable batteries. One day, my keyboard and mouse wouldn’t work so I popped open the battery compartment, and lo-and-behold, they were missing entirely. My daughter went through a time where no batteries in the house were safe. Alarm clocks, clocks on the wall…you name it. I asked her about the rechargeable batteries, and of course she lied to me, “I don’t know where they are, MOM!” and, “Why do you ALWAYS accuse me of taking something you LOST?!”. I knew the truth. The trick was to get her to admit it. This was LONG before the psychopath, but years after studying normal human reaction… I approached my daughter on a nice, calm day, as if it were an old conversation we had and everything was already out in the open. I started talking about the need to buy new batteries as the others were dying on me, “Have you figured out what you did with the batteries you took from me, yet”…and she answered, “No, mom, I haven’t”… then it dawned on her. She was tricked into telling me the truth about taking them. I wish I had taken a picture of her face at that time. She was visibly shocked. She laughed, and I told her “Time to replace them, dear-heart”.

Can you see how this works? Perhaps you can remember a time in your own relationship where this was used against you, to get you to react. To get you to respond in a particular way, only to have it twisted for others to see how “crazy” you were in the relationship, or that you were a “stalker”. They can’t just tell someone about it, they have to create something for another person to see, in order to make the story believable. That’s were they MANIPULATE YOU INTO A REACTION!

Again, when dealing with a narc or psychopath, IT IS IMPORTANT NOT TO RESPOND TO THEM

AT ALL!!

This is one of many things that makes them so horribly dangerous!

I was able to recognize my X using these tactics, which enabled me to end the relationship sooner. I knew the tricks, already. I had just never seen them done intentionally, until within my relationship with the Monster. I recognized the stages of brainwashing, but it was only during the introduction of new beliefs that I was able to connect the dots. He tried that, after I was pulling away QUICKLY from him. He panicked. I saw through him.

The rest is history, complete with growth and new-found confidence!

I hope this helps you to recognize these tactics.