When will things get back to “normal”?


Do you ever wonder when, or even IF life will get back to normal? I spent a few years wondering that same thing. Then I realized, “normal” is such a relative term. Emotional chaos and psychological upheaval, are both very real, when you get out of an abusive relationship. Just because he or she is out of your life, doesn’t mean it’s “over” completely. You’ll go through good days, when you are surprised how little you thought of the relationship. Other days you’ll fee like its only been hours since your world fell out from under you. The only advise I have for you on those days is, BREATHE! Take a deep breath…then another… get up and walk or call a friend. Get busy doing something. Be determined not to just breathe, but to live!!

Normal… Here’s my version of normal: Both of my kids are struggling and barely off the streets. I found a wonderful man over a year ago, who I married this past summer. His kids are only slightly more stable than my own kids. Both of our previous lives have been compiled into one major fucked up scenario. We, as well as our children, take turns with our fucked-up-ness and are no where near what the status quot would view as “normal”. All of our children feel safe with the two of us, and know they can turn to us when they need us. Financially, we’re like babies, trying to get things under control, though I can now say, “It’s a wonderful life.”

After my exodus, I day dreamed about what life would be like when I was my normal self, again. The thing is, I was forever changed because of what I lived through. I would never see that part of myself again. The part that I was comfortable with and who I thought I loved, I would never get back. It was that part of me, that I grieved for a very long time. It was also those parts I lost, that were also the reason(s) I was such an easy target. I don’t mourn those parts of me, anymore. I needed to change.

Normal for me, used to be emotional chaos even before the monster came into my life. I was always panicking when I thought someone was angry with me. I back-tracked over my words, relentlessly, to avoid any negativity from any person. I over-explained myself to the point that I looked like a child. A vulnerable child. I had no self-confidence, though I believed I had plenty. I trusted everyone, and put my own heart on the line, without a second thought. Normal… I was FAR from normal. But, that life was normal for me, regardless of how horrible it was. It was normal because it was what I was used to.

“Normal” has changed, so very much! Once upon a time, my counselor asked me what my personal morals were. I tried to answer her questions, but I was repeating my parent’s morals…I was repeating what society had taught me, throughout my life. She kept saying, “That’s THEIR morals, but what are YOUR’S?”. It took me this long to finally be able to answer the question. I feel like I’ve finally arrived! Ha! The thing is, once I was able to answer that question, I also realized that my personal morals would be what would also create my “normal” life. What I’m used to and am happy with, now.

Morals are not only what is acceptable in society. They are also what your own code of ethics, are. Normal to me, as well as what are my personal morals, is… Never lie to myself. Always be real and true to myself. (This sounds so self-centered). If I’m going to say or do it, I might as well stand behind it. That means; if it comes out of my mouth verbally or in action, I have to have the confidence to stand behind it. Don’t cower or backtrack. No excuses or lies, especially to myself.  This line of thinking and living, demands self-confidence, in order to follow through. If I have planned to accomplish something during my day off, but chose to procrastinate instead, I cannot make excuses. Making an excuse to someone else for my inaction, means I am lying to myself as well. If I procrastinated, I am honest about it, come-what-may, even if that means someone becomes angry at me, for it. I own it and most definitely earned it. That’s just an example. Society’s morals are in the mix, too. I still cling to and claim them.

The result of all of that is, I don’t live in fear of the unknown, anymore. I walk with it, now. I’m not afraid of anger so much, anymore. I’m still learning and growing, but I’m very satisfied with who I am as a person, now. I am finally living my “normal”, in all it’s failings and frailties. I can breathe deep, knowing that, though the life I’m in isn’t real stable, the life I AM, is…

What a wonderful awakening 🙂

 

 

Acceptance and Rejection


I’ve been thinking about several things (as always), over the last few months. The most prevalent of those has been, “validation” and “trauma bonding”. I could go into what causes the trauma bonding, but what I really want to touch on, is the other side of it. What else keeps us stuck in abusive relationships? The trauma bond is a huge factor in that, but before the bond takes hold, I believe a fear of rejection is the initial culprit.

A fear of rejection, I believe, is the cornerstone to trauma-bonding. in abusive relationships, whether that be in a family – between child and parent, or a pseudo-romantic relationship, is something we are conditioned to, as children. Emotional abuse, or being repetitively unaccepted by our peers, can create a fear of rejection. Sometimes, it’s so deep-rooted, it’s hard to combat later in life. When we are repetitively told that we aren’t “good” enough, in whatever way our families or peers choose, we become hurt. We feel that rejection, deep down. It translates in our psyches and hearts as, “I’m so stupid…”, “I’m unlovable…”, “I’m always unwanted…”, “…unappreciated…”, ugly, stupid, bad, not valid, “I don’t belong…”, etc… The list goes on. After time, we become a victim of self-rejection. We are always waiting, and preparing ourselves for what we are used to. It’s hard to accept that someone might actually care about us. So hard in fact, that we create scenarios which would produce the same effect. We worry. We second-guess another person’s intentions, or expect them to change from “good” to “bad”. It’s what we are used to. It’s what we expect. Sometimes we respond incorrectly to something another says or does, because we are so sure we will be rejected or treated poorly. But, that’s another story which I’ll touch on, later.

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Those of us who are conditioned into a fear of rejection, HATE rejection! It’s horribly hurtful, from any source. When we are in love with someone who is continuously rejecting us, it’s unacceptable to us. We cannot accept what is happening because it’s directly opposed to what we are craving… ACCEPTANCE… When we are the child of a parent who is rejecting us, or who is abusing us emotionally, it creates the same feelings and responses as those who are being rejected within a relationship. It creates in us, every single time, the feeling that the world is falling out from under our feet. We panic, trying to hang onto whatever sliver of hope that “maybe, this time, they will finally love and accept me…”. It’s that hope that keeps us hanging on. We need to be accepted by those who are supposed to love us. When we are forced to go without that feeling of closeness throughout life, we crave it MORE, as adults. It’s almost an addiction. It’s a base-human need, in order to fully thrive in life. Our psyches know we need it. Our hearts know, as well.

I want to post this as it stands, but will continue in another post, later. There is so much to this, that I believe we all need to consider. Feel free to add your thoughts as we go along.

Here we go again..


No, this isn’t about my new boyfriend. I will say that he’s shown me nothing but high levels of REAL empathy for others, and especially myself and my family. Concern and true caring. This is about the Narcissist, who I am now believing is a Sociopath. Since I am still unclear of the difference between a Psychopath and Sociopath, I am only recognizing the difference as he is showing (and has showed throughout), compared to the Psychopath of my past.

This is an update of that page of my book..

I have to say, however, that I’m not in the tail-spin of the past, regarding the callous nature or “evil” drive that the Soc is showing. I am predicting the probabilities of any future moves on his part, and so far I’m correct.

Bastard.

I went entirely “No Contact” from this individual, on November 10, 2013. I did choose to respond to a text message he sent a month and a half later, only after receiving a series of texts following my initial request that he leave me alone. I was faced with a few choices about how to handle his continued harassment: Go to the Corporate gurus and report it, ignore it, send a certified letter to his home or respond via text one last time. I chose to do the latter. I don’t believe he’s a violent person. He’s just an old school-yard bully that never grew up. I chose to handle it myself. I reminded him that I had already asked him to leave me alone, described in detail the types of contact that was no longer allowed from him, and reminded him that I mean what I say. He went silent for about a week and a half, until the final email.

My current boyfriend is concerned. He asked me if he’d been leaving me alone, a couple of days after receiving the email. I didn’t want to tell him about it, only because the situation is upsetting to him, out of respect for his feelings. I won’t lie to him, either. I told him about it and let him read it upon request. Following this, my current boyfriend respectfully talked to my ex, asking him to leave me alone, reminding him that I had already asked him to. My ex agreed, only after lying to my boyfriend’s face about the contact.

Anyone who has been through this, knows already the events that generally follow. Since someone else “knows” the situation, he won’t contact me directly. But he WILL do things on the side-line to mess with me at work and possibly, my home. These people also enlist the involvement of others, to continue the harassment and bullying. It’s an old script that I am all to familiar with.

This coming Friday is a “business” gathering for local accounts and the company I work for. My boyfriend is one of those account managers. He wanted me to go with him as his date, and signed my name as such. I had planned on going. Keep in mind that I broke up with the Narc/Soc back in July. We did, however, spend quite a bit of time together, as my ex was begging me to allow him a chance to earn my trust back. I wouldn’t romantically date him again, but thought it wouldn’t hurt to give him that chance. All it did was give him more opportunity to bait me again.

I got an email from the woman who initially set us up on the date back in November of 2012, last night. She exclaimed how I “hurt” my ex badly and insinuated that I would be “classless” if I showed up to the function with another man, asking me not to go. Apparently, I stomped his little heart like a “piece of crap”… Poor little victim. You see, I have seen that “face” too many times, from him. The tears, threatening suicide, and expressing self-loathing because he “hurt me that bad”. Never once did he admit to anything he did, as being wrong. ALWAYS blamed ME for his treatment of me. Oh yeah, even though she has formed judgments about me and my relationship with my ex, based on his lies and exclamations, she has never once tried to be diplomatic or listen except as it would benefit my ex.

I talked to my boyfriend about this, as it does affect things regarding the function. I know the “victim” ploy is only play-acting. My ex has no heart regarding me or our relationship. It was just a game to him. A malicious, opportunistic, sadistic game. The cycles that were obvious and apparent, attested to that fact.  However, the best way to look “good” to anyone when you are at fault, is to play the heart-broken, shattered victim. Cue tears, “here“. To his closest “friends”, this is REAL heart-break, which he’s counting on and using to sway the masses.

It works and it really sucks.

The problem… If I don’t go, it won’t be out of any respect for the little “old” weasel/slime ball, or any concern for his widdle feelers but could be viewed by him as still being able to control me and my reactions; AKA: He wins. If I don’t go, it would only be to save problems at work for myself or any potential problems for my boyfriend and nothing more. I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and he, being his sweet self, suggested that we just spend the evening doing something fun amongst ourselves. If he went without me, I wouldn’t be concerned or upset.

I told my current boyfriend that my Soc/Narc ex isn’t done, and he won’t be leaving me alone any time soon.  He probably won’t do anything directly, but will change tactics and continue to mess with me, using his friends or setting up scenarios trying to get me into trouble at work (which has has done already). Since my boyfriend has never dealt with someone of this caliber, it’s hard for him to understand. He is viewing my ex as any normal individual being faced with the heartache of a  break-up. He’s trying to be understanding, but his number one concern is me and how this is affecting me.

I love that about him, by the way.

 

 

Change of course…How do you win?


In the title, “change of course” was actually meant to say that I’m changing direction in my posts, for a minute. However, it fits this entry, too. I meant it as a change of direction, initially. If you write it as “Change, of course” with a comma inserted, thusly, it changes the entire meaning of that little itty-bitty 3 word phrase.

Ok, the next half…”How do you win?” Change, of course and in a change of course. Have I confused you, yet? I’m good at that. Bear with  me, please. Early new-by’s and semi-seasoned vets (in the wake of Psychological, Narcissistic, Psychopath and Pathological abuse) still battle some things from time to time. This is the only war we will fight that isn’t face to face or hand to hand (I mean after the ending of the relationship). When we leave the toxic relationship, it doesn’t mean the battle is over. Yes, the Narc or Psych will continue his side of the fight through smear campaigns and outright lies. He or she might be vindictive and continue the stalking, in order to stay one step ahead of you. But even this, isn’t what I’m talking about, though in a way it’s included.

In the wake of the abuse, whether that be a few months or a few (or many) years, we still battle the effects of the abuse. *If you have been out of the relationship for a while and you haven’t noticed the inner turmoil subsiding (I don’t mean gone completely), then you are either spinning in place, or have resigned yourself to it. DON’T DO THIS! This means that you lose in the battle, and the abuser WINS!* You are worth more than the ass-hole (male or female) who scrambled you, your confidence and self-worth. You are, in deed and in actuality, ALL COMPLETE HUMAN! That means you have been better than the abuser, from birth. You have ALWAYS BEEN better. Don’t succumb to his or her torture anymore.

Sooo, here we are walking along, doing and saying things that will strengthen us in our daily walk toward wholeness and then all of a sudden, “BAM!” We have a thought that takes us back to the beginning of our battle. For me, this usually happens when I have too much stillness or quiet around me. (like, today) My thoughts go along, willy-nilly, and cause a moment where I am defeated in it. Our thoughts are our own triggers, sometimes. If this happens, turn it around! Take a step or action which combats it. This entry is my step away, by the way, but only as a stepping stone.

I realize that, though I enjoy my days off, they can be counter-productive. My thoughts never EVER stop! I battle the habitual negative thinking, just like any other survivor, from time to time. I started this in the beginning, before I ever met the monster, during my time with him, and now, after my freedom. I’ve been away from him for a year and a half (except those uncontrollable times at work), and I still battle this. The difference, now, vs. the beginning…I realize it! I realize that I don’t have to lose the battle! I realize that I don’t have to be paralyzed by it or succumb to it. I’ve realized it since I left the monster. I’ve battled it daily, since the end of the pseudo-relationship. I recognize a thought creeping in, and shut it down. That doesn’t mean they are gone for good, or that they won’t sneak in unsuspectingly, it just means that I have the tools to shut them down, and OFF, if only just for the moment.

What’s the difference? I don’t settle. I don’t accept this as “the way it is”. I refuse to. I’m better than what I think. I’m better than my past, and I am most DEFINITELY better than the abusers!!

How do we win? Refuse to stay complacent. Refuse to accept less than wonderful thoughts, feelings and things for yourself. He or she will STILL try to keep the fear and negativity fresh in your mind, through their actions while away from you. They know you will hear about it, and count on it to keep your wounds open and raw. Don’t accept it!! This doesn’t mean to seek them out and hurt them, in retaliation. Remember? You are better than that! They aren’t worth the heart-ache or aggravation. They aren’t worth ONE WASTED MOMENT, ON THEM.

This is my own pep-talk, but I do realize that so many others are in the same battle. If being still is what is allowing the negative thoughts to creep up, then get up! Do something productive. Call a friend and encourage them for their day. Wash your car, your house. Take a long shower, and allow the warm water to consume you, and ENJOY IT! When you get out, dress in something that makes you feel beautiful. Do something that makes you feel good. Go for a walk. Anything!!

If the thoughts are REALLY intrusive, on a regular basis…becoming a volunteer for a group that you believe in, is a good way to stay productive toward your OWN healing. I’m actually thinking about volunteering at a local woman’s shelter. We have one that is a lock-down unit for women and children. After a certain time, the gates are locked for each apartment, keeping all inside, safe from attack from an abuser.

The key is to keep moving! Stay POSITIVE! Don’t allow yourself to lose, and the perp to win!! EVER!!!!

You are beautiful. You are strong. You are resourceful.

Find some peace today, in your hearts and minds. You are worth it.

 

When a psychopath, narcissist, cluster-b, ASPD won’t leave..


Over the past few days or even months (shame on me) someone has used various search terms which has lead them to my blog. Though there are several different ones, these catch my eye every time. Of course, it’s my story too. I know this one!!

This next paragraph is going to be nothing but the searches people have done.

“when a narcissist won’t leave you alone”, “how to get narcissist ex to leave you alone”, ” my psychopath boyfriend won’t leave”, “why dont abusive men leave u alone”,  and finally “abusive men vindictive after leaving”. The last one might as well be labeled, “AKA: vindictive x won’t leave me alone”. I could have been the one googleing just those search terms.

Each of these statements lead me to believe the person wants OUT and FAR away from the abusive individual.

You are fighting a war inside. The weapons against you have been skillfully and methodically placed, at just the right time to be the most effective against the victim. Recognize them for what they are…

LIES!!!!!

The Narcissist, Psychopath, or Sociopath knows how to pick just the right subject. They do it purposefully, cruelly and without conscience. You were the chosen subject. They were cruel, and you were just being the sweet, kind HUMAN that you’ve always been! It’s those base human characteristics that the predator sees as a challenge. It’s the ultimate power game. They see it as a weakness that would be fun to conquer…nothing more. The more they tear you apart, the more powerful they feel and they believe they are winning their role in the game. It’s a game to them. But at the same time, it’s their life. They can’t live any other way. It’s their food and life’s blood. You are their prey.

Please understand, YOU ARE NOT IN ANY WAY AT FAULT! Please don’t feel like you need to change that which makes you so uniquely YOU. When you are finally away from that relationship, the things that make you YOU, are exactly what you will need to reaffirm in order to begin to heal. There are areas that we need to strengthen, however, to keep this from happening again in the future. I’ll touch on those, later. Now is not the time.

Life has a way of teaching us the hard things. Unfortunately it’s usually in the realm of ‘hind-sight’ that we learn…after the abuse…after the damage has been done. I don’t happen to be one who followed through with my gut instincts, in order to avoid the abuse. For me, there’s damage that I’m working through as a result. It’s a daily fight. For many the damage is done, and it’ll be a long road of getting ‘past’ it to be able to function normally again. That’s where I am. My year was spent wasted, with a whole lot of ‘shoulda-coulda-wouldas’. Not a nice realization, once you get there.

I hope this post finds you in the early days of the abusive relationship, before the brainwashing. Before the physical abuse starts. Before second guessing yourself sets in and you feel you need to hide from everyone around you. I pray it hasn’t gotten to that point. If you ARE there, or you can sense it looming, it’s NOT TOO LATE! The fact remains, in order to move on and to heal, you have to know you are out of everything and are safe. Don’t be afraid. They are weaker than you (and they) think. The slugs wither when you pour a little salt on their slimy back-sides.

A little of my own story: My best advocate was the ability to look outside the situation, and see what was really going on. Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to my gut. I didn’t take my own suspicions seriously or act on it, accordingly. I should have.

There’s always the proverbial straw. The one that snaps when you have finally been through enough. You’ve finally HAD enough! By this time though, you are probably dealing with a lot of anxiety and fear about leaving. You might even be thinking that cordiality is the best option. “break it to him gently, with respect…” , or “try to help him realize…” Realize what? That he’s succeeding in the game? That every step he’s taken to belittle you, isolate you and control you is WORKING?? Believe me, all that ‘cordiality’ will do is feed him more. He’ll decide to step up the abuse even MORE!

I tried to piss my X off to the point that he’d WANT to break up with me. I tried the ‘crazy’ approach and the cordiality. I tried it all. Each time, he pushed even harder. He actually made another copy of my house key, thinking I wouldn’t know. Learning more about the monster alerted me to that one. I changed the locks and mentioned it to the landlord.

As I was looking at the situation, I realized just how emotionally tied I was. Emotionally, I was a mess. Entirely confused and outrageously frightened. I decided the first step for me, would be to break the emotions that bound me to the situation. I started spending less time with him, less time talking to him, shorter statements, and started calling him on his abuse. Unfortunately, this route also kept things going even longer. For me, it had to be done so I could build enough strength to make a break for it. I wasn’t emotionally tied through sex, or even affection. it was entirely anxiety and fear that kept me stuck. I was able to see things even clearer as a result of taking a few steps back. It was a good thing for me to do things that way first.

He kept sending notes, leaving flowers, emails, phone calls, etc. I would answer his emails on occasion, which only encouraged him.

Then there was finally the court date. I fought for a restraining order against him, but was denied. The judge’s reason? I WAS STILL ALLOWING CONTACT!  I was trying to remain cordial!

Hmmm….

In order to get him to leave you alone, you first MUST recognize him for what he is (or she, if that be the case)…A PREDATOR!! Think of the African lion. If you cut off their food supply, they will leave the area to find more fruitful hunting grounds. They will beat feet on their way, spewing a slew of lies behind them.

don’t react, don’t respond, recognize that these are nothing but LIES, and anyone who knows you will recognize it. Don’t allow him to push you into an argument. Of course you will become angry. That’s what he wants! Don’t glorify his attempts with a response. Remember who you are, you may have to force yourself to do this at first.

The best tool at this point…HANG UP…WALK OUT…STAY SILENT… Any reaction from you is encouragement for him.

End ALL CONTACT!! Boom! Done! No questions! No explanations. He doesn’t deserve any more of YOU. He’s taken so much, already. Make sure you send him one LAST email, or better yet…a mailed letter with only your expectations. You want NO more communication. Mail it to his address, CERTIFIED RETURN RECEIPT. He doesn’t miss any details. Don’t feel like you are going beyond anything in doing this. It’s absolutely necessary, I assure you.

From this point on, each attempt of his to contact you, CALL THE POLICE! I filed for an emergency restraining order, which was placed in effect the first day. This was temporary, but solid enough for him to get the point. Each attempt he made toward contact was met with police officers at his front door. I don’t apologize for the ‘over the top’ responses. If I hadn’t done that, it would have taken even longer to get rid of him. Translation to the Psychopath, narcissist, etc?? HE HAD BEEN EXPOSED! He had to come up with a story to tell everyone. He chose to tell them how crazy I am. whatever. the people who matter already know me, and I don’t have to defend myself to anyone. Don’t worry about anyone but YOU! YOU are who matters!

They are ridiculously PARANOID! They are afraid of one thing most of all…EXPOSURE! Once he begins to see you getting stronger, he will fight for a while to shut you down. Any and all tactics could be used. Playing on your sympathies. Pretending to have some life-threatening illness. Prayer chains (yep, that too)…talking to your deceased loved one… then back to taunting you into an argument, only to twist it so that you are confused further and second guessing yourself WHILE IN THE ARGUMENT. He’ll try to convince you that he will come clean, admitting fault, and that you are correct. He’ll pull out any and all cards against you. It’s all manipulative B.S.!

Get a digital recorder to record any voicemails he leaves for you. If he calls DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE! Let the answering machine do it for you. don’t call back. If he threatens anything, it’s just to get you to react. Don’t play!

Get a notebook and start writing down everything having to do with him. This will be useful, later. Talk to the people around you. Your closest friends, family, co-workers etc. DEFINITELY EXPOSE HIM AND HIS ABUSE. He’ll hear about it, but won’t dare respond. To respond publicly means he takes the chance of showing guilt. He’ll fight against this. No matter what, stand your ground. His temper tantrum will be short-lived.  I assure you. It’ll be loud and foul. Full of pomp and circumstance… Not to worry… he’s losing and you are winning!

A great post by Annie Kazina, “http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/2012/03/top-10-tips-to-guarantee-an-abusive-man-wont-leave-you-alone/”.. it’s a great article. Read it.

I wish you peace in the coming days. Keep your feet moving. Keep breathing and learn to shut out his lies. They will echo for a while. Replace them with whatever is good, noble and beautiful. Replace them with what you KNOW is the truth. Baby steps are still steps moving forward.

Don’t allow any more secrets. Your life is your own.

 

 

 

The dirty little secret


Shhh...Can you keep a secret?
Shhh…Can you keep a secret? (Photo credit: jαγ △)

I was the secret.

The request came as one that was understandable. It seemed reasonable enough at the time to respect. “…because we work for the same company”…”people will talk..”. I didn’t understand it, but I knew it was important to him so I agreed. We went to dinner together at his mom’s house, where he made the same request of her. She felt the same way I did, but I could see the look on her face. She was uneasy about it, or confused about the request. I should have taken her look to heart.

Thinking the request was normal, I went to work honoring the request. I said nothing to anyone about having a new relationship with a co-worker. I believed that as things progressed, the ‘secrecy’ would change. I was proud of our relationship at first. He’s good-looking, I thought he was a gentleman, considerate and kind. I honored the request. I wonder to this day what would have happened if I had just told him I was talking to people about us? I didn’t and I was honest.

At the time, I drove shuttle. I would go to his store, and find little token gifts in the seat of my truck when I was leaving. Notes, candy, and even the occasional flower. Secret enough.

Pretty soon, I was at a different store as a delivery driver. The shuttle would come around while I was on deliveries. When I got back, there would be a box waiting for me, with my name marked all over it, in plain view, with vibrantly colored tape sealing the package. Very, VERY visible to everyone around me. I reasoned it away, being warmed by the gestures. I thought it was really sweet of him, but in my mind I was thinking, “I thought our relationship was a secret…” One shuttle driver referred to me as “Mrs. (first initial of last name)” in front of everyone. Everyone could hear. They thought it was sweet, cute, etc. Most would. I was so afraid of my boyfriend at this point, I about jumped out of my skin. I told the guy, “No one is supposed to know”. I wonder what he thought at that point. I never had the chance to ask him, later. Since my boyfriend would ‘know’, I was afraid of the pending onslaught for the remainder of the day.

It always started with the “silent treatment”, or complete ignore. We would talk about me going to his house with anticipation and happiness. Only a couple of hours later, I would be greeted with silence. It was unnerving, to say the least. I would try to get him to talk to me about what ever was bothering him. Most times it was met with quiet. Nothing. Ignore. Other times he would bark at me, “Are you talking about us?” It always floored me. Most times it was out of the blue, with absolutely no reason for the onslaught. I was honest, “No, I’m not. I’m respecting your wishes”. It became more and more apparent how MUCH he was talking, though. I wondered about this, but by the time things had progressed, I was entirely afraid to say anything to anyone, about ANYTHING. I was especially afraid to talk to him.

I was silent. He wasn’t.

One day he showed up at the store on his day off. He brought me lunch and we sat in my car. Visible. I couldn’t express niceties to anyone about that. I remember how I felt with this supposed secret sitting in my car, in plain view of everyone. Exposed and fearful. I believe it was the same day that a management trainee was supposed to go along on deliveries with drivers. I was chosen. He’s a nice man. Just as anyone would do around someone they didn’t know, he started the small talk. We had a good chat going around to area businesses. Nothing was said about my relationship with the monster. I got to my boyfriend’s house that evening, and (stupid me) told him about my day. He barked at me in a way that was becoming all too familiar, “Did he ask about us? Did you tell him anything about us?” I told him no. I steered away from any of ‘those’ topics at all times. My X told me, “He’ll be in management some day. You don’t want him having that kind of information. He’ll use it against you, later.” He made sure I understood that if I DID talk, he would know about it. I stayed silent.

Another girl I worked with was sweetly talking about her husband who surprised her with lunch, a note and a flower. She was happy. I started crying. I couldn’t talk about anything. I felt confused by everything. He was talking, but I wasn’t allowed to. He was telling all the stories, and I couldn’t.

Here’s the big DUH statement…IT WAS TO KEEP ME SILENT! He wanted to have complete control over what was being said to others. He wanted to paint the pretty pictures, keeping everyone unaware about the abuse going on, etc. It worked. Nothing like being the secret, except I was more like the ‘sacrifice’. I wasn’t really the secret. The truth behind our relationship WAS!

Remember, abusers ALWAYS demand silence. There’s not one case where they wanted their actions known. If a man, woman, co-worker, boss, etc.. demands silence, PAY ATTENTION!!! If it’s a significant other, with the same request I received, early on, TAKE NOTICE! If it doesn’t change as soon as possible, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

If you are in a relationship, it should be full of pride. You should WANT to tell others about it! If you have to sneak around, hide or lie about the relationship, YOU SHOULDN’T BE IN IT!

For your sake.

Choose to be a survivor!! (don’t be afraid of some triggers if they pop up while reading this article)


All of us, here, know what it’s like to be a victim. When we were fresh out of the psychological, mental and emotional minefield, the experiences and pain were etched into our memories forever. I wish we all could just move on and completely erase all of the effects, instead of the incessant, grueling, mind-numbing replays that we’re plagued with…sometimes for years after. Many of us will be affected by our hell for a lifetime.

The horrible thing (one of many) is; we are stuck in a sense…we’re stuck with what is left of us. We’re stuck with the memories of “his” or “her” version of gas-lighting. We’re stuck with the pain of realizing that the entire time you were “with” your monster, everything you believed…everything he/she told you about themselves was a lie. Everything that individual (notice I don’t refer to the monster as a person) tried to manipulate you to believe, say, do or question, was a lie. Your relationship was a lie. The love you thought you shared…yep, that was all a lie, too. These are the toughest parts (ok, again..one of many) to accept, let alone understand. Humans just don’t DO THAT to other humans! Especially someone they claim to love. That’s just it…the monster isn’t human. Sure, we share the same chromosomes that they do. We share the fact that we walk upright, have 2 eyes, and speak an audible, viable language. That’s where the similarities stop. I don’t need to remind you where the differences are. Here are just a few:

1) Lack of conscience.

2) Lack of empathy.

3) Callousness or complete lack of emotion…except what they can pull out of their hat for effect.

4) The illusion of being Charming.

5) quick movers in a relationship…using flowers and many gifts to manipulate you into trusting them.

6) We can’t forget the LIES.

There are so many…

Rest assured, though you had to learn some of their traits for survival’s sake, you are not becoming the monster. I, too, had to learn to decipher the way my monster thought, in order to try to cut him off at the “pass”, so-to-speak. I know how he thought/thinks, though he never ceased to amaze me or blind-side me. I learned his level of paranoia, because it was one of the avenues he chose for his manipulations. He didn’t miss a thing, though he mis-read everything! I was the crazy one (according to my monster), though he was creating such internal turmoil for me, that I re-lived (in a sense) early childhood abuse. I just about had a nervous breakdown. I still catch myself finding lies, going on witch-hunts and thinking like him. I’m stuck in survival mode.

I’m going to take a minute to remind all of us… ALWAYS trust your instincts!!! ALWAYS believe your gut!!! We are either our own best defense, or our own worst enemy. There-in lies the secret to breaking the ties of being a “victim”. You already know what a trap it is…especially INSIDE ourselves.

We are living in the shadow of the monster’s abuse. We are victims…but only as long as we allow the abuse to continue. Understand, a predator‘s abuse continues long after the relationship. It continues in the damage done to us. It continues in every one of the effects that individual caused. Most of all, it ESPECIALLY continues when we continuously allow ourselves to ruminate over everything we endured with them. Remember, all that does is (guess what?):

FEEDS THE MONSTER, FURTHER!

Be certain that the psychopath still has their eye on you, in one way or another. Seeing or hearing about you fighting for your very sanity on a daily basis, makes them feel omnipotent (All powerful). One thing you have probably come to realize is, that was the main reason for the monster’s abuse of you! They choose someone who is naturally sweet and kind. Full of compassion and empathy…especially if their chosen prey was already abused at some point in their lives, so they could feel like they compared to GOD, himself! Sucks, doesn’t it??

Did he/she actually try to use brainwashing techniques on you? Did he/she shatter your self-esteem? Make you feel like you have to shield yourself from everyone? Stay silent around co-workers, friends and/or family? Are there other things he caused inside you? Name them to yourself. Write them down. Allow yourself to BE angry! YOU my dear, are entitled to wish the monster was dead. You, however, are not entitled to cause their demise. Karma will take care of that, for you.

Every day that we allow ourselves to continue to be tormented by his/her abuse, we are allowing ourselves to remain trapped in their web…while every day we also carry with us the tools we need to be FREE! Here’s that conundrum: HE/SHE GAVE US THE TOOLS!!!! Here are some of their secrets (at least the ones I’ve come to recognize in my own monster/psychopath):

  1. In the very beginning he/she sized you up for worthiness of being prey. Did you have a soft heart? Did you fail to stand up for yourself when other’s wronged you? They watched, painstakingly, for areas that they perceived as “weak”. Everything that makes you beautiful inside, the predator sees as a weakness…and something they can use against you, for their OWN benefit.
    1. When a predator (a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist) exploits someone’s weaknesses, it’s to accentuate your’s so THEIR’S won’t be noticed!! They are actually extremely insecure! Yet, they fight to gain the appearance of having (many in their own delusions) god-like “powers”. Omnipotence (all-powerful) and omnipresence (all-knowing).
    2. WEAR YOUR HUMANITY like a badge of honor…because it IS! Wave your compassion and empathy for others, for him to see. Don’t gossip. Be the best person you can be, and don’t allow him any more fuel! It’ll actually weaken the monster! This will also reaffirm the YOU that you have always been. The person a predator tried to destroy.  
  2. Did you share something you are proud of, with them? A special accomplishment? A talent? Only to have that individual demean you and discount what actually happened? (Mine loved to accuse me of using my talents and accomplishments to gain favor with men). Did he/she turn those proud moments into something hideous or shameful? Did that person cause you to feel demeaned and ashamed where you used to feel pride in yourself? This is another step in their delusions of grandeur. Minimizing YOU to make themselves look better…
    1. This is another tactic of brainwashing…they tear you down, break your heart and spirit, make you feel filthy or worthless, only to turn around at the next breath and do something nice for you, while they are affirming their lies by telling you that you need to see a doctor for your “mental” issues. They will also throw in “I’ll always be here for you, to help you through this..” Trying to give the illusion of being a ‘savior’.
    2. The best thing you can do is SUCCEED! Set goals and achieve them. Let the monster and those around you see the pride you have in yourself, without being arrogant or boastful. You worked hard for your accomplishments. The predator is jealous of you. They don’t believe that anyone else deserves to feel pride in themselves, but THE MONSTER! Seeing you standing tall, will make the monster feel like a failure! This will also help you rekindle the pride you thought you lost. It’s ok to be proud of yourself and have faith in your abilities. 

That’s pretty much it…The monsters are little spiders with little-big-bug syndrome! They try to appear larger than life, so their minuteness is more hidden. They use us as the bait they can use to convince the rest of the world that the monster, in deed, is perfect…which we all know, only exists in their OWN delusional minds.

We can choose to stay victims, or CHOOSE to be survivors. I say it’s a choice, because that is the beginning of the end of our hell. We choose to prove the monster wrong, while at the same time reaffirming who and what we know ourselves to be. We aren’t strangers to ourselves…only disjointed. Afterall, the monster came at us with some pretty powerful blows. Don’t feel ashamed, or ever allow shame to come into your life from this point, on.

We deserve for our hell to be over, and WE CHOOSE to survive as whole women and men. Holistic humans…healthy in body, mind and spirit.

I won’t promise that this is a quick and easy road to freedom. For us, it’ll be a daily struggle, with wonders and beauty every step of the way FROM NOW ON!

You are strong

You are beautiful (yes, even the guys)

You are human, full of compassion and empathy for others. YOU make the difference every day, with just a smile for a passing stranger.

YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!
you will never be a victim, again!

Be proud! Shine! Grow! 

PS: If this entry has caused someone to experience some triggers, especially those with PTSD…the triggers don’t have to be a defeat! Use them to become a counter-trigger, to enable yourselves to become stronger day by day. To find strength and the fight to become a more perfect YOU!

Peace

Peace 😀

Living in the shadow of a lie


As I begin this post, I am made aware (very much so) that my writing skills have dwindled since I was in my 20’s. Even on into my 30’s. We are not scholars, here…at least it’s not our purpose to prove in writing.

I have been doing some limited dwelling on days past. I remember the day that I realized how dangerous my X truly is, and I went to every person I could think of, in order to beg for their help. I remember calling a co-worker who worked at a separate store. Our conversation started much like everyone else…begging and pleading for them to protect me. For them to know and understand everything that had gone on. Everything.

The conversation with this co-worker leaned to him asking ME questions. Now, as I look back, he was guiding the conversation to get his own answers. I never understood his questioning…until now. He asked me about a rumor he had heard about me, that I had “slept” with our District Manager, who was married.

There is another woman who works for the company, who I share the same first name with. The rumor “I” heard was that she had an affair with the DM. I don’t care. It’s her life, and I’m not one who needs to judge her, or anyone else for that matter, as to the goings on of her life. Since hearing this rumor about “me”, things about my relationship with my monster began to form some sort of understandable shape. The first piece of ammunition he would use wasn’t from me at all, nor was it based in reality. It was his driving force, for whatever reason.

He formed his theory and sought to find (or make up) enough “evidence” to make that theory into a pseudo-proven ‘theorem’. A theory which was later, proved by fact, evidence, and research…according to him. He believed I was a low-life, cheating woman. He did his best to make me believe I was filthy, and “deserved” to have his onslaught on a daily basis. Yet, he was the only one who ever tried to help me through my mental instability, or illness (another one of his brainwashing attempts).

I never understood why he fought so hard to ‘keep’ me, while showing unwaveringly how much he hated me…held me in complete disdain… He would do sweet things on occasion, ie; Making me dinner. One day he even spread flower petals in a path, to form a walk-way when I got off work. Sweet gestures, intended to “prove” his love for me. But his attacks were unwavering. He never faltered in his attempts to let me know how ‘awful’ I really was. How much of a ‘slut’ I was. How every man around me only joked with me because they wanted “in my pants” (his statement, word for word). He never stopped his attacks which were meant to make me believe his lies about me, or question what I KNEW to be the truth. I knew…yet he still affected me.

He never got to know the real me. He was too busy trying to ‘prove’ he was right. He was too busy trying to get me to believe his lies and twisted perceptions. Question…if he thought I was so awful before he ever asked me out, then WHY did he pursue me? Why did he chase me every time I tried to get away from him? If it wasn’t to make me believe, then it was only meant to whittle me down, and into a more controllable mental/emotional state.

The original woman, who was the subject (before i worked for this company) has come forward in expressing her desire to get the truth ‘out there’, about her supposed affair with that manager. She stands adamantly on her innocence. There was a divorce, bot not because of infidelity. she’s lived under the same lie…all because of someone who has nothing better to do than try and destroy another, for their own benefit. Unfortunately, for whatever reason I was carried by others as a ‘guilty’ party, under the exact same lie…all because we share the same name.

Pity, for both of us. Neither have done anything wrong in that regard. I am innocent of everything my X is trying to convince others of. I am innocent of anything my name might seem to point to.

No one has tried to get to know me, other than my immediate work mates. My store manager has tried HARD to help me in the past number of weeks. I still have my job. He (and the rest of the store) believe in me. That’s something to be proud of. A year ago…no one would have lifted an eyebrow.

I still have those days that I battle with the areas that can never be understood.

Still, things are moving along. Mostly in a positive way. Some things, not so much…but I’m still moving my feet and breathing. I won’t quit.

For those of you, fresh out of a psychologically abusive relationship


The beginning stages of healing, after getting out of a relationship with a “cluster-B” (as I have recently learned about..which includes narcissists, psych/sociopaths, etc)…I won’t lie to you and tell you its “easy” or “a short battle” because, frankly, it’s pure hell. In fact, it’s every bit as excruciating, for a time, as the hell you just got out of. The difference is, it’s the pain of processing, moving forward and HEALING. JUST DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF, DURING THIS PROCESS!!!

When I escaped my Monster, I had a few driving facts echoing around me and inside of me, which really HAS helped me to keep the drive to keep fighting through the torment left by my X:

  • Freedom!!! I compared my life that year, to my idea of the proverbial, biblical account of a place called “hell”. A place where the ungodly go. Eternal punishment, damnation, etc. etc. Hell didn’t sound so bad, after I left him. The constant thought (and I was elated!!!) I had was, I lived through REAL hell, REAL torment, REAL EVIL, fought to be free and WON! Every bad experience I could ever go through, or had ever gone through, paled in comparison!! I looked into the eyes of evil, and lived. I walked (ran) away, gaining my freedom, which I lost for a little over a year. The sun never looked so beautiful. The smells and sounds around me became their own music. I couldn’t imagine heaven being much better than this! you are free!!! Accept this for yourself, breath it, live it, love every minute from this point forward!
  • Recognize that the thoughts in your mind, especially in the early days, are not YOUR OWN! Don’t let yourself forget how he tormented you, drilling into your mind EVERY belittling word…calling you ‘delusional’, ‘juvenile’, ‘stupid’, or even trying to convince you that everything was your fault for what ever reason. recognize that these aren’t YOUR thoughts…DON’T CARRY THEM! They are carefully placed, drilled and conditioned to be a PART of his CALCULATED attempts to control everything about you, who you are, your thoughts and actions. It was a sick game of his, wasn’t it? 
  • Once you have recognized what are actually HIS lies, mulling around in your psyche…take steps to silence them…SILENCE HIM…for good. Find something positive…anything…to replace those thoughts with. With practice, it will become easier, I assure you! I found positive affirmations helped with this. With time, you will be surprised at how seldom you are hearing his voice. You’ll notice changes and improvements in days.
  • Read, read, read…learn, learn, learn: Don’t fear your questions of “how”, or “why”…or even “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??” If you get an “I wonder…” research the subject. Understanding what you have been through, and what exactly you had DEALT with…the name of the Monster, etc. to the best of your ability, really IS recommended. You might feel like you’ve become obsessed. In a way, that’s true…so was I. But (through reading) I learned that it’s called the “understanding” phase. You aren’t the only one who has ever been in this spot! Read, and learn…it’ll give you some peace to understand as much as you can. Don’t get discouraged if it isn’t completely settled inside of you. You have been through absolute hell, with someone who’s sick, twistedness is such that you could NEVER have dreamed of or imagined in you worst nightmares. You won’t be able to completely understand everything you have been through, but soon  you will be ok with it. 
  • Seek support: I was still alone in everything when I escaped. I thought and knew I sounded crazy when I went to co-workers for help. All they heard from me was a whole lot of information, mixed with begging. Information that no one can possibly fathom, unless they have been through it themselves. In the attempt to ask for help, I inadvertently affirmed everything my X was telling them… They believe(d) that I really WAS/am crazy! One of the best things I could have done is begin my blog. The fact that you are reading this, means you are on the right road!!!
The final thing you need to accept for yourself, and you WILL realize while researching is…and this truly is the most important part…
you are not alone anymore
you are not alone anymore
Should I repeat that for you??

you are not alone anymore!!!!!

You have made it this far!! You are STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE…

I am here for you, as is everyone else here.

It gets easier, i PROMISE you 😀

Then vs. Now


Welp, 4 more days until I get the keys to my new home. 4 more days until I can walk to my car without a thought of whether my x-monster is watching me or not. 4 more days…

June 25, 2011…my journal says that is when I “broke up with him”. I broke up with him on Father’s day, that year! I think what I was talking about in my journal entry was, it was the last day I would cater to his f’ed up mental influx. His trash pile. Either way, it was my last day that I listened to him at ALL! The next few weeks would bring a roller-coaster… him panicking because he knew he lost, but he tried to pour it on THICK, anyway…”you need help”, “I’m the only one who has ever tried to help you through this”… As always, my mental retort was, “you caused this, ass-hole!”. He lied, again. My friend (one in particular) has ALWAYS been there for me. She has been a shoulder for me, a drinking and singing friend, and a strong-arm when I needed one. This time…though she offered…this one was MY battle. In order to get away, I had to do my OWN fighting. One of the last things that was said between us: I told him that it would be nice to hear something encouraging. He said, “You don’t need that. I’m giving you what you need…I’m HELPING you!” All I said to him in response, was; “I think I’m going to say good-night now” and turned and walked away, leaving him standing there. I really WAS ‘that’ calm. He yelled at me, all the way to his car. “You’re delusional! Go ahead and live in denial…you need help!” and it continued…I could hear him, still…though I shut the door. Shut him out…for good.

5 days went by, then I received a call from him. He immediately started in on the mental bs. I hung up on him. He’d call back. I hung up again…he called back, saying I was “juvenile”. I threatened a restraining order if he continued to call. He started texting my phone. Yes I saved EVERY text!  He tried one last attempt to cause me to be afraid, still. He said that a little birdy told him that I was already seeing someone, and that I was hanging all over the guys at work. That in itself told me that WHOEVER the little ‘birdy’ was, had no CLUE about me, what was going on, and had a love for gossip. That person built up the fact that I joke with EVERY one at work, and told my X (actually, now that I think about it, HE’S the one that twisted whatever was said, to turn it into ammo he might be able to use). I went to management and told them about EVERYTHING! He wanted me to still stay quiet, by making me believe he had someone “watching” me at work.

I know I sounded crazy to them. It sounded crazy to me. I told them he was attempting to utilize the final steps of brainwashing (yeah, I said it to them). Told them he’d kept me quiet for over a year, and afraid of my own shadow. I even told them about the little “birdy”. Now, I think  I’ve figured out who the little birdy was. My Narcissistic co-worker…the OTHER cashier! There’s another story, that will wait til later.

My neighbors told me that he was STILL driving by my home, through the complex, at all hours of the night. Just a few days before that, I also caught him in an attempt to set up a scheme which included me, and another co-worker. It was centered in jealousy. He didn’t believe that I had never gone out with the other guy, even after my monster and I broke up in January. He was trying to get me to say something negative about that co-worker, so he could go and tell him about it…under the guise of the “hero”, and get the scoop on me, from him. I caught him and called him on what he had originally said vs. the facts. He called me a liar, delusional, etc etc etc…oh yea, “YOU NEED HELP!”. I realized how extremely dangerous my X REALLY was, then…coupled with my neighbor’s accounts…I filed for an emergency restraining order. I took copies to my manager, who sent copies to my X’s manager… Court…I lost. But, it got him to disappear. To leave me alone. I won, really.

A week went by, after I filed the restraining order. I got an email from him. All it said was, “Hi”. I called the police. I knew his boss showed the order to him, when he got it, though he managed to elude being served the papers. The police knocked on his door that night to serve him. He didn’t answer, so they talked to his NEIGHBORS! Yep, every one of them who HATED him already… He complained in court that I made him look bad to his neighbors. Nope, his ass-hole-ism, and controlling crap, caused everyone around him to hate him.  I was DONE with him, his psychological mumbo-jumb0, reprogramming attempts, fear tactics…EVERYTHING! I made it public, and followed through with what I told him I would do.

This entire experience…for that year…left me an absolute psychological, mental and emotional BASKET CASE! Afraid of my own shadow. I didn’t trust anyone, because they thought he was “mr wonderful”, “mr. integrity”… I was aware of how my own skin felt on my body, and I was uncomfortable…for several months following.

Though, it’s lacking in some other details … such as the fourth of July… That was “then”

Today…4 days away from absolute freedom, I find myself confident (actually, MORE confident, as there is definite room for improvement), not so uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel freer to be myself around my co-workers and customers (OOhhh…the CUStomers! lol!).

I, pretty early on, forced myself to remember the person I WAS, before the psychopath…before hell…before he stole me away, for a time. It was hard to force myself to concentrate on positive ANYTHING. My mind wanted to constantly rehash EVERYTHING he said and did. I would think, “I’m crazy”…then realize that wasn’t MY thought…THAT WAS HIS! I’d take immediate steps to shut out that input. I missed “me”. I missed who I used to be. it seemed so long ago. I thought, “what would I normally do in ‘this’ situation?”, then though I felt like i was faking it…I reaffirmed who I KNEW myself to be, with action. That became one of the best things I could do. Muscles remember…so do psyche’s and hearts. They not only remember the bad, but remember the GOOD as well! wonderful!

Today, I’m not afraid of him…not really. I am still uncomfortable, since I don’t want to see him or have to talk to him, but I’m not afraid OF him anymore. He’s trying SOO hard to destroy me at work, but I know that he’s making himself out to be an idiot. A fool. He’s still that irritant… uncomfortable and grueling. My world is soo far removed from him, now.

I’m Gaining faith and confidence, daily. I’ve proven to myself that I really AM capable to see my dreams come true. Fear and uncertainty don’t have to control me, anymore. He tried very hard to make me into a mold able, pliable and controllable lump of spineless goo. He did a great job, but didn’t get to the final steps to solidify his creation.

I’m really proud that I faced pure evil, and I’m thriving inspite of everything. Better and stronger in many ways, than I was before the twit ever came along.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, now, and it’s BEAUTIFUL!