Over the past few days or even months (shame on me) someone has used various search terms which has lead them to my blog. Though there are several different ones, these catch my eye every time. Of course, it’s my story too. I know this one!!
This next paragraph is going to be nothing but the searches people have done.
“when a narcissist won’t leave you alone”, “how to get narcissist ex to leave you alone”, ” my psychopath boyfriend won’t leave”, “why dont abusive men leave u alone”, and finally “abusive men vindictive after leaving”. The last one might as well be labeled, “AKA: vindictive x won’t leave me alone”. I could have been the one googleing just those search terms.
Each of these statements lead me to believe the person wants OUT and FAR away from the abusive individual.
You are fighting a war inside. The weapons against you have been skillfully and methodically placed, at just the right time to be the most effective against the victim. Recognize them for what they are…
The Narcissist, Psychopath, or Sociopath knows how to pick just the right subject. They do it purposefully, cruelly and without conscience. You were the chosen subject. They were cruel, and you were just being the sweet, kind HUMAN that you’ve always been! It’s those base human characteristics that the predator sees as a challenge. It’s the ultimate power game. They see it as a weakness that would be fun to conquer…nothing more. The more they tear you apart, the more powerful they feel and they believe they are winning their role in the game. It’s a game to them. But at the same time, it’s their life. They can’t live any other way. It’s their food and life’s blood. You are their prey.
Please understand, YOU ARE NOT IN ANY WAY AT FAULT! Please don’t feel like you need to change that which makes you so uniquely YOU. When you are finally away from that relationship, the things that make you YOU, are exactly what you will need to reaffirm in order to begin to heal. There are areas that we need to strengthen, however, to keep this from happening again in the future. I’ll touch on those, later. Now is not the time.
Life has a way of teaching us the hard things. Unfortunately it’s usually in the realm of ‘hind-sight’ that we learn…after the abuse…after the damage has been done. I don’t happen to be one who followed through with my gut instincts, in order to avoid the abuse. For me, there’s damage that I’m working through as a result. It’s a daily fight. For many the damage is done, and it’ll be a long road of getting ‘past’ it to be able to function normally again. That’s where I am. My year was spent wasted, with a whole lot of ‘shoulda-coulda-wouldas’. Not a nice realization, once you get there.
I hope this post finds you in the early days of the abusive relationship, before the brainwashing. Before the physical abuse starts. Before second guessing yourself sets in and you feel you need to hide from everyone around you. I pray it hasn’t gotten to that point. If you ARE there, or you can sense it looming, it’s NOT TOO LATE! The fact remains, in order to move on and to heal, you have to know you are out of everything and are safe. Don’t be afraid. They are weaker than you (and they) think. The slugs wither when you pour a little salt on their slimy back-sides.
A little of my own story: My best advocate was the ability to look outside the situation, and see what was really going on. Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to my gut. I didn’t take my own suspicions seriously or act on it, accordingly. I should have.
There’s always the proverbial straw. The one that snaps when you have finally been through enough. You’ve finally HAD enough! By this time though, you are probably dealing with a lot of anxiety and fear about leaving. You might even be thinking that cordiality is the best option. “break it to him gently, with respect…” , or “try to help him realize…” Realize what? That he’s succeeding in the game? That every step he’s taken to belittle you, isolate you and control you is WORKING?? Believe me, all that ‘cordiality’ will do is feed him more. He’ll decide to step up the abuse even MORE!
I tried to piss my X off to the point that he’d WANT to break up with me. I tried the ‘crazy’ approach and the cordiality. I tried it all. Each time, he pushed even harder. He actually made another copy of my house key, thinking I wouldn’t know. Learning more about the monster alerted me to that one. I changed the locks and mentioned it to the landlord.
As I was looking at the situation, I realized just how emotionally tied I was. Emotionally, I was a mess. Entirely confused and outrageously frightened. I decided the first step for me, would be to break the emotions that bound me to the situation. I started spending less time with him, less time talking to him, shorter statements, and started calling him on his abuse. Unfortunately, this route also kept things going even longer. For me, it had to be done so I could build enough strength to make a break for it. I wasn’t emotionally tied through sex, or even affection. it was entirely anxiety and fear that kept me stuck. I was able to see things even clearer as a result of taking a few steps back. It was a good thing for me to do things that way first.
He kept sending notes, leaving flowers, emails, phone calls, etc. I would answer his emails on occasion, which only encouraged him.
Then there was finally the court date. I fought for a restraining order against him, but was denied. The judge’s reason? I WAS STILL ALLOWING CONTACT! I was trying to remain cordial!
In order to get him to leave you alone, you first MUST recognize him for what he is (or she, if that be the case)…A PREDATOR!! Think of the African lion. If you cut off their food supply, they will leave the area to find more fruitful hunting grounds. They will beat feet on their way, spewing a slew of lies behind them.
don’t react, don’t respond, recognize that these are nothing but LIES, and anyone who knows you will recognize it. Don’t allow him to push you into an argument. Of course you will become angry. That’s what he wants! Don’t glorify his attempts with a response. Remember who you are, you may have to force yourself to do this at first.
The best tool at this point…HANG UP…WALK OUT…STAY SILENT… Any reaction from you is encouragement for him.
End ALL CONTACT!! Boom! Done! No questions! No explanations. He doesn’t deserve any more of YOU. He’s taken so much, already. Make sure you send him one LAST email, or better yet…a mailed letter with only your expectations. You want NO more communication. Mail it to his address, CERTIFIED RETURN RECEIPT. He doesn’t miss any details. Don’t feel like you are going beyond anything in doing this. It’s absolutely necessary, I assure you.
From this point on, each attempt of his to contact you, CALL THE POLICE! I filed for an emergency restraining order, which was placed in effect the first day. This was temporary, but solid enough for him to get the point. Each attempt he made toward contact was met with police officers at his front door. I don’t apologize for the ‘over the top’ responses. If I hadn’t done that, it would have taken even longer to get rid of him. Translation to the Psychopath, narcissist, etc?? HE HAD BEEN EXPOSED! He had to come up with a story to tell everyone. He chose to tell them how crazy I am. whatever. the people who matter already know me, and I don’t have to defend myself to anyone. Don’t worry about anyone but YOU! YOU are who matters!
They are ridiculously PARANOID! They are afraid of one thing most of all…EXPOSURE! Once he begins to see you getting stronger, he will fight for a while to shut you down. Any and all tactics could be used. Playing on your sympathies. Pretending to have some life-threatening illness. Prayer chains (yep, that too)…talking to your deceased loved one… then back to taunting you into an argument, only to twist it so that you are confused further and second guessing yourself WHILE IN THE ARGUMENT. He’ll try to convince you that he will come clean, admitting fault, and that you are correct. He’ll pull out any and all cards against you. It’s all manipulative B.S.!
Get a digital recorder to record any voicemails he leaves for you. If he calls DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE! Let the answering machine do it for you. don’t call back. If he threatens anything, it’s just to get you to react. Don’t play!
Get a notebook and start writing down everything having to do with him. This will be useful, later. Talk to the people around you. Your closest friends, family, co-workers etc. DEFINITELY EXPOSE HIM AND HIS ABUSE. He’ll hear about it, but won’t dare respond. To respond publicly means he takes the chance of showing guilt. He’ll fight against this. No matter what, stand your ground. His temper tantrum will be short-lived. I assure you. It’ll be loud and foul. Full of pomp and circumstance… Not to worry… he’s losing and you are winning!
A great post by Annie Kazina, “http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/2012/03/top-10-tips-to-guarantee-an-abusive-man-wont-leave-you-alone/”.. it’s a great article. Read it.
I wish you peace in the coming days. Keep your feet moving. Keep breathing and learn to shut out his lies. They will echo for a while. Replace them with whatever is good, noble and beautiful. Replace them with what you KNOW is the truth. Baby steps are still steps moving forward.
Don’t allow any more secrets. Your life is your own.