Acceptance and Rejection


I’ve been thinking about several things (as always), over the last few months. The most prevalent of those has been, “validation” and “trauma bonding”. I could go into what causes the trauma bonding, but what I really want to touch on, is the other side of it. What else keeps us stuck in abusive relationships? The trauma bond is a huge factor in that, but before the bond takes hold, I believe a fear of rejection is the initial culprit.

A fear of rejection, I believe, is the cornerstone to trauma-bonding. in abusive relationships, whether that be in a family – between child and parent, or a pseudo-romantic relationship, is something we are conditioned to, as children. Emotional abuse, or being repetitively unaccepted by our peers, can create a fear of rejection. Sometimes, it’s so deep-rooted, it’s hard to combat later in life. When we are repetitively told that we aren’t “good” enough, in whatever way our families or peers choose, we become hurt. We feel that rejection, deep down. It translates in our psyches and hearts as, “I’m so stupid…”, “I’m unlovable…”, “I’m always unwanted…”, “…unappreciated…”, ugly, stupid, bad, not valid, “I don’t belong…”, etc… The list goes on. After time, we become a victim of self-rejection. We are always waiting, and preparing ourselves for what we are used to. It’s hard to accept that someone might actually care about us. So hard in fact, that we create scenarios which would produce the same effect. We worry. We second-guess another person’s intentions, or expect them to change from “good” to “bad”. It’s what we are used to. It’s what we expect. Sometimes we respond incorrectly to something another says or does, because we are so sure we will be rejected or treated poorly. But, that’s another story which I’ll touch on, later.

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Those of us who are conditioned into a fear of rejection, HATE rejection! It’s horribly hurtful, from any source. When we are in love with someone who is continuously rejecting us, it’s unacceptable to us. We cannot accept what is happening because it’s directly opposed to what we are craving… ACCEPTANCE… When we are the child of a parent who is rejecting us, or who is abusing us emotionally, it creates the same feelings and responses as those who are being rejected within a relationship. It creates in us, every single time, the feeling that the world is falling out from under our feet. We panic, trying to hang onto whatever sliver of hope that “maybe, this time, they will finally love and accept me…”. It’s that hope that keeps us hanging on. We need to be accepted by those who are supposed to love us. When we are forced to go without that feeling of closeness throughout life, we crave it MORE, as adults. It’s almost an addiction. It’s a base-human need, in order to fully thrive in life. Our psyches know we need it. Our hearts know, as well.

I want to post this as it stands, but will continue in another post, later. There is so much to this, that I believe we all need to consider. Feel free to add your thoughts as we go along.

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Vulnerability and the potential target..


You hear the word “vulnerability” in various contexts. The word, however, always means the same thing. To be “Vulnerable” means there is a notable weakness. A crack in your armor, which can be exploited; being prone to attack. Children, aging adults, and even shoddily protected computer systems, are vulnerable. Computer hackers are guilty for the recent security breaches in many of our major shopping chains, across America. Millions of people’s’ identities are at risk, due to the exploitation of those vulnerabilities found by these perpetrators. Pedophilia is rampant across the globe. Elder abuse, whether in a private home, or state-run facility, often times goes without notice.

The exploitation or abuse isn’t just limited to those who are obviously (to the normal human) vulnerable or weak, or unable to protect themselves. Those who have been previously abused, neglected, attacked or have low self-esteem or lack of confidence, are seen as vulnerable and “weak” by the same depraved individuals, who are looking for someone to use for their self-gratification. It doesn’t just stop there. Are you a giver? A peacemaker? Do you have a selfless nature? Humanitarian? Are you naturally, highly empathetic? These wonderful qualities are seen as weaknesses by the social/human predator, as well. They aren’t seen as “wonderful qualities” by the Sociopath/Psychopath. In fact, the human predator is an astute student in human nature. They interpret these qualities, very analytically. They see “behind” the exterior, into the deepest recesses of our behaviors, exposing our actual needs behind the selfless acts. This is how they are able to mirror us so well. Creepy, huh?

For instance; Are you a selfless giver? A psychopath or Narcissist could interpret that as, “She needs approval and acceptance”. Empathetic? “She needs to feel understood, loved and cared about”. Those of us with less than ideal self-confidence, are especially subjective to becoming targeted and victimized. We are easy to see and weed out from the rest of the herd.

In the past 3 years, I have come to realize that no 2 psychopaths’ personalities are exactly the same. Their M.O. is ALWAYS the same, as in; Love-bombing, manipulation, mirroring, tailoring responses to mesh with our deepest desires, scheming and lying. Some Narcissists and Psychopaths (though very few) aren’t cheaters. However, they ALWAYS gas-light their targets. Some choose those whose vulnerabilities echo their inert weaknesses. Others want to go after the more self-assertive variety. The thrill is in the conquest, after all. The fact remains in that we all, as humans, have some sort of vulnerability. Some of us make the search very easy, while others take more time to ascertain.

Remember…even the Titanic, which at the time was considered “unsinkable”, met with a rogue iceberg which was able to find the slightest weakness in the hull of the ship. The rivets used were iron which degraded in the sea water, weakening the hull enough to be ripped apart by a huge block of ice. Even those of us who are coined with the phrase “unsinkable” and “unmovable”, have a vulnerable area.

Now, the conundrum… We are encouraged to be more vulnerable, by “relationship experts” and the likes of them. I can understand why this is. If we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable at all, we won’t be able to find true human connection. When two people are vulnerable and in turn, protected by each other, then we are able to allow and accept emotional intimacy.

Normal people shudder at the thought of exploiting any of these areas or people, for personal gain. But those people ARE out there. Sociopaths/psychopaths and narcissists, never show vulnerabilities. At least, ones that are obvious to normal people. Predators are secretive. They cover their tracks. They are exemplary schemers and liars. They manipulate you and others around them, so they don’t appear to be anything but how they want others to see them. Lets think about them, for a second. Do the Narc, Soc, or Psychopath truly have “no” vulnerabilities? Or are they just skilled at covering them up? They have skills, that’s for sure. Silence, whether from their chosen victim, or themselves, is absolutely necessary to insure their success. The pro-social Psychopath knows that if they talk too much, for instance, they take the chance of unveiling their true nature and in turn lose their cover. They will be seen for who they truly are, and what their desired end is. They would be unmasked. Was your ex-psychopath or Narcissist very open about their past, or what they do with their time? If they were, how easy was it for you to pick out the lies? The vast majority of them, are NOT open with you about ANY area of their lives…except for those tidbits that would be useful to further gain your trust. Even those things are carefully placed, without revealing too much information to you, and are still dusted ever so slightly in lies.

The #1 vulnerability that the Narcissist/Psychopath has is INSECURITY!!! They are afraid of exposure. They are afraid that the rest of the world will think them less than exemplary human beings (barf). We all know they are incapable of true decency, without the need for schemes. However, they still need constant ego buffing and adulation. They are afraid that someone will know the truth about them. Everything they do stems from this insecurity. I don’t feel the least bit sorry for them, or any inkling of pity. They choose to do what they do, and they know EXACTLY what they are doing. It’s planned, and malicious.

That leaves us with the daunting question of, What can we do to protect ourselves? Especially when different vulnerabilities are seen as exploitable, depending on the personality of the individual predator. I mean, one predator might want an easy-to-find catch. He/she’ll go after the one whose self-confidence is shaken. They want the conquest without the battle. How about the type who only wants the “hard-to-get” prey? They go after those who are self-assured, successful and strong (as they would appear to normal individuals). The same is true, however. Both types of predators find and exploit vulnerabilities. Given the time (and some are quite patient), they will expose your vulnerabilities, no matter how hard or easy they are to see. Again, what can we do to protect ourselves?

First, know their tactics. They always come on strong, giving us the person we’ve always longed to meet. The one we thought didn’t exist. The empathetic, caring, self-effacing gentleman. Gifts will abound. Favors. Etc. They will be loving and attentive. It’s easy…WAY too easy to get caught up in the fairy tale. I think it’s important to take strategic steps back, during the initial days. Revisit what has been said or done, away from them. Learn the phrases they say, or the responses they have to what YOU have said. The twists will be so subtle, it’ll be hard to distinguish at first. Believe me, even in the beginning, they will slip a little bit. How do they make you feel? Do you feel elation, only to be met with a sudden bout of shock? What shocked you? What was your response..even silently? I can’t express this enough… LOVE BOMBING SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE CODDLED!!! You should NEVER allow for it. If they are trying to push too much, too soon, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE walk away from them!

This is such a wide-open topic. I would love to hear your ideas… What are some ideas you might have, to protect ourselves from being targeted? Remember, we will ALL be targets. Not all will become victims…

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/extreme-fear/201010/how-psychopaths-choose-their-victims

http://www.heal-post-traumatic-stress.com/post_traumatic_stress_vulnerable.html

http://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself

Here we go again..


No, this isn’t about my new boyfriend. I will say that he’s shown me nothing but high levels of REAL empathy for others, and especially myself and my family. Concern and true caring. This is about the Narcissist, who I am now believing is a Sociopath. Since I am still unclear of the difference between a Psychopath and Sociopath, I am only recognizing the difference as he is showing (and has showed throughout), compared to the Psychopath of my past.

This is an update of that page of my book..

I have to say, however, that I’m not in the tail-spin of the past, regarding the callous nature or “evil” drive that the Soc is showing. I am predicting the probabilities of any future moves on his part, and so far I’m correct.

Bastard.

I went entirely “No Contact” from this individual, on November 10, 2013. I did choose to respond to a text message he sent a month and a half later, only after receiving a series of texts following my initial request that he leave me alone. I was faced with a few choices about how to handle his continued harassment: Go to the Corporate gurus and report it, ignore it, send a certified letter to his home or respond via text one last time. I chose to do the latter. I don’t believe he’s a violent person. He’s just an old school-yard bully that never grew up. I chose to handle it myself. I reminded him that I had already asked him to leave me alone, described in detail the types of contact that was no longer allowed from him, and reminded him that I mean what I say. He went silent for about a week and a half, until the final email.

My current boyfriend is concerned. He asked me if he’d been leaving me alone, a couple of days after receiving the email. I didn’t want to tell him about it, only because the situation is upsetting to him, out of respect for his feelings. I won’t lie to him, either. I told him about it and let him read it upon request. Following this, my current boyfriend respectfully talked to my ex, asking him to leave me alone, reminding him that I had already asked him to. My ex agreed, only after lying to my boyfriend’s face about the contact.

Anyone who has been through this, knows already the events that generally follow. Since someone else “knows” the situation, he won’t contact me directly. But he WILL do things on the side-line to mess with me at work and possibly, my home. These people also enlist the involvement of others, to continue the harassment and bullying. It’s an old script that I am all to familiar with.

This coming Friday is a “business” gathering for local accounts and the company I work for. My boyfriend is one of those account managers. He wanted me to go with him as his date, and signed my name as such. I had planned on going. Keep in mind that I broke up with the Narc/Soc back in July. We did, however, spend quite a bit of time together, as my ex was begging me to allow him a chance to earn my trust back. I wouldn’t romantically date him again, but thought it wouldn’t hurt to give him that chance. All it did was give him more opportunity to bait me again.

I got an email from the woman who initially set us up on the date back in November of 2012, last night. She exclaimed how I “hurt” my ex badly and insinuated that I would be “classless” if I showed up to the function with another man, asking me not to go. Apparently, I stomped his little heart like a “piece of crap”… Poor little victim. You see, I have seen that “face” too many times, from him. The tears, threatening suicide, and expressing self-loathing because he “hurt me that bad”. Never once did he admit to anything he did, as being wrong. ALWAYS blamed ME for his treatment of me. Oh yeah, even though she has formed judgments about me and my relationship with my ex, based on his lies and exclamations, she has never once tried to be diplomatic or listen except as it would benefit my ex.

I talked to my boyfriend about this, as it does affect things regarding the function. I know the “victim” ploy is only play-acting. My ex has no heart regarding me or our relationship. It was just a game to him. A malicious, opportunistic, sadistic game. The cycles that were obvious and apparent, attested to that fact.  However, the best way to look “good” to anyone when you are at fault, is to play the heart-broken, shattered victim. Cue tears, “here“. To his closest “friends”, this is REAL heart-break, which he’s counting on and using to sway the masses.

It works and it really sucks.

The problem… If I don’t go, it won’t be out of any respect for the little “old” weasel/slime ball, or any concern for his widdle feelers but could be viewed by him as still being able to control me and my reactions; AKA: He wins. If I don’t go, it would only be to save problems at work for myself or any potential problems for my boyfriend and nothing more. I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and he, being his sweet self, suggested that we just spend the evening doing something fun amongst ourselves. If he went without me, I wouldn’t be concerned or upset.

I told my current boyfriend that my Soc/Narc ex isn’t done, and he won’t be leaving me alone any time soon.  He probably won’t do anything directly, but will change tactics and continue to mess with me, using his friends or setting up scenarios trying to get me into trouble at work (which has has done already). Since my boyfriend has never dealt with someone of this caliber, it’s hard for him to understand. He is viewing my ex as any normal individual being faced with the heartache of a  break-up. He’s trying to be understanding, but his number one concern is me and how this is affecting me.

I love that about him, by the way.

 

 

How do I know if he isn’t just being a jerk? Red flags that should never be ignored…


So many questions about relationships are out there, but this is one I have personally had over the years, especially after dealing with a Psychopath in my life, and then a Narcissist. Am I being unreasonable? Is my “narc-dar” so fine-tuned that I am actually “labeling” someone, unjustly?

That’s one end of the spectrum…

Lets imagine that my Narcissist radar IS fine tuned, yet (as I have already done) I STILL fall for another one of “them”. Yes, my senses are keen to attributes that people show, which are Narcissistic or Psychopathic… as long as I’m not personally involved with that person in one way or another. That doesn’t mean that I still didn’t see those characteristics. I was battling with the question I posed above. “Maybe I was being unreasonable.” and, “I know the tell-tale red-flags… but I haven’t given things enough time. Maybe I was imagining things…” Maybe I was “un” labeling them, when they SHOULD have been labeled. I was calling them “nice” when I should have called “ass-hole!”.

Do you see the confusion? The unwavering question/answer sessions? I’m going to try to clear this up for all of us. Of course as new survivors, you need to go through purging and processing periods. You NEED to learn to see characteristics in people that DO make your intuition yell. You will become a bit paranoid for a while, just for the sole purpose of never allowing yourself to go through that experience again. After all of the purging and processing, you’ll find yourselves being tested on your “skills” and newly placed (or reaffirmed) boundaries. Ready or not. Much of the time, your first testing will come only when you THINK you are ready and can face any demons that come your way, only to find out that you weren’t as strong as you thought. Trust me, been there, done that, myself.

Lets talk about the “jerks” out there.

When I think of a jerk, I think of a man whose view of women, in general, is skewed by upbringing or personal experiences. To some of them, women are only there to cook, clean, do yard work and bear children. Seen and not heard. Some think they are god’s gift to women, and set out to prove it… in spades. The jerks are out to get as many notches on their belts as humanly possible. To sleep with many women, then brag to their friends, is a glorious, pride-filled accomplishment. The jerks have no self-control, nor do they want any. They cannot control their tempers or their boyish drive. They are out for themselves, without regard for the women (or people in general) who will be hurt by them along the way. Does this make them Narcissistic? Psychopathic? Sometimes, yes, but not always. It ALWAYS, ALWAYS makes them jerks. Will they change in time? Probably, but not always. I personally know of a few “jerks” that became wonderful people as they got a little older. This is NOT the case with Narcissists or Psychopaths.

How can you tell them apart, in the beginning stages of a relationship?

You really can’t tell the nice guys from the jerks or Psychopaths, initially. They always put their best foot forward and their sweetest face on, when pursuing you. They are always nice, considerate, there for you and attentive. Always. The ones with the dark side, don’t want you to see that side of themselves. If they did, then they wouldn’t get the notch on their belt (for the jerks), or solidify their current choice of Narcissistic supply (for the Narc or Psych). The nice guys are in there, too… showing you their nice face, smile, empathy and compassion for others. These good attributes can be mimicked skillfully by the other types. The difference in seeing them for who they are, is in the time you spend getting to KNOW THEM! The ones who are putting on a false front, cannot hold onto that for long. In time, they will become comfortable or haughty. They will become confident that they’ve ensnared their chosen “beloved”, and will let their masks slip. It’s arrogance that will be their down fall, as well as pride and feeling comfortable enough to be themselves.

There are no grand epiphanies or treatments out there that will change the personalities or characteristics of the disordered. Psychopaths will remain psychopaths. Narcissists will always be Narcissists. There’s no “waiting” it out or fixing them. There’s no “loving” them or being “patient” enough, to show them the errors of their ways. What they are, will always be what they are. The only thing you can do to protect yourselves in the long run is by being aware of the base red-flags, which should NEVER be ignored.

The first and biggest red-flag you should be aware of, has nothing really to do with them. It has to do with US! How fast are you falling for the niceties, and allowing your hearts to swoon? Are your boundaries slipping rather quickly, when you KNOW BETTER? Are you falling for someone who hasn’t proven they are who they portray themselves to be? Has it only been a week? A month?

STOP!!!

You are in danger, when you let your heart “go” too early. It’s difficult at times, to keep your head on straight and your heart in check. If you do “fall”, all too often you will find yourself in an abusive situation. In the very least, you will be used as another “notch” or momentary gratification for the jerks. There is a lot to be said for allowing things to be “tried by fire”. We want to believe the best in others. Once our hearts have won the argument, if it happens too early, we have to be right about them at any cost. If abuse starts to show, the internal dialogue shows up, “He’s just had a bad day..”, “I KNOW he’s not like that! He did [this and that] for me..”. Too many times there will be damage done, if you haven’t paid attention early on. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but rarely.

Is he telling you, “you are the one!” and Soul mate“, within just a couple of weeks or a month of dating? How about “I love you!”

Mirroring comes into play, here, when you are dealing with narcissists or Psychopaths. Is he everything you have ever wanted or needed? Is he saying “just the right thing” at “just the right time”? Is he saying or doing those things that no one could possibly know about? Do they instantaneously tug at your heart-strings? This is planned. He’s watched and took note of areas that you need. He’s an ACTOR filling a ROLE for one purpose only. He wants YOU as his personal TOY! NO ONE is that perfect!! Listen to him, when he talks about himself. Do you EVER hear about HIS mistakes in relationships? Or is his ex-wife, girlfriend, etc. “crazy”? They are ALWAYS superficial, when showing you they “care”. It’s always to “do” and “be” what you need at any given time. “Johnny-on-the-spot”. Have they showed you anything that says they care about your heart, other than just words? I don’t mean buying you flowers. What has he done to show you he cares for you as a person or cherishes your heart? If all he does is superficial, self-centered, etc. please get away from them. This is the point when they start throwing exclamations of “love” and “soul-mate”, which is after they are certain you have been ‘caught’ and their supply is secured. You are dealing with someone who is needing a source of supply. Get away quick!

At the very least, he’s showing signs of being insecure. If he is insecure, you will see he cares about you…too much. He will show his “love for you” by being self-sacrificial, almost martyr-ish. This still isn’t a good thing. You might be opening yourself up for a whole lot of jealousy and obsessiveness. No fun, and never, ever good.

But I trusted him!” Yeah, welcome to the club. 

The only way you can protect yourself, is, to give things plenty of time. That is, only if they are showing you “good”, and not anything that would alert you to possibly being narcissistic or psychopathic, such as “mirroring” behaviors, superficiality, self-centeredness, and so-on. Not to worry, soon they will show their “true” colors. The disordered can’t hold their facade for much more than a few weeks. You will begin to see behaviors that are intended to bait you into reactions, no matter how small. Once instance should be questioned but allowed only after speaking up about it. Twice, is a character flaw or outright abusive personality, and you need to get away from that relationship.

If they have proven themselves to be decent and normal human beings, still give things more time. That person might not be right for you. Have you seen their temper yet? I suggest waiting until you, at least, see them irritated. You want to know if their temper is one that will still protect YOU!

You are worth the time it takes to get to know someone. You are important, too. We have only one life. One heart. One psyche. Please pay attention…

Peace after going ”no contact”


I’ve been thinking about the “no-contact RULE” lately. The reason being is, that I don’t believe there is an actual defined and definite rule that fits for everyone. I have read blogs that were for meant for talking about “hard” subjects, in accordance with the journey we all go through in the aftermath of a psychologically abusive relationship. These blogs are wonderful to help survivors to be able to expedite their own recovery. However, as to the subject of “no contact”, these same blogs were condemnatory toward survivors who were still struggling with that very subject.

In the process of ending contact with my last fiasco, as I have always done, I analyzed every response and attempt I tried. I “watched” as an outsider, taking notes on my own struggles, what finally worked for me to go no contact, and what happened as a result. I must tell you, though, this time around, for whatever reason, was more freeing for me, in the end!

One would think that I would have to completely rebuild, start over, etc. after a second go-round. At first, I was truly in a horrible place, again, fighting to make sense of things. Why someone who claimed to love me so much, could go through such extremes to hurt and bait me into a reaction, for no other reason but his personal “need” to be satisfied, much like a vampire. I felt like the entire “coming out” of my heart, was a complete waste. I was robbed and cheated. As if I would never get another chance to be whole again. That I would be bitter forever. Jaded. Cynical.

After each time of manipulation, gas-lighting and baiting for a reaction, I attempted to go “no-contact”. But I loved this man, as he SHOWED ME a man I longed for my entire life. I missed “that” person. That person disappeared as quickly as I fell for him. It was as though the initial love I developed for this person, was exactly what he wanted to see. You see, even THAT was something he used to get a reaction. The mirroring, tailoring everything he said and did, after my deepest desires, really was a baiting session. His desired reaction from me, WAS to have me fall deeply for him. Once he got that reaction, it was time to move on to harder, more hurtful ones. Since he already got me to fall for him, he could stop all the mirroring and caring gestures, and replace it with malicious mental and emotional games, hurting me for a reaction. Repetitively.

He played me like a deck of cards. He didn’t win, though for a time, he had the upper hand. I would go silent after each session (I don’t know what else to call it). I stayed silent, at times for as long as a week. Even though he blame-shifted directly following my over-the-top reaction, when I went silent and stopped talking to him, he would counter with texts and phone calls full of self-loathing and begging. Empty promises were his next playing field. He played into my natural empathy and sympathetic heart, still believing that this person was “normal”. He would beg for second, third, and forth chances to prove his love for me. To “earn” my trust. The thing is, each time I fell for those stupid lines, never once did he actually work to win my trust. He still had me where he wanted me, and it was back to business as usual.

Again and again, I tried to initiate ‘no-contact’. Again and again, I fell for his seemingly sincere remorse for hurting me.

I was in a mental and emotional war at this point. I KNEW and RECOGNIZED that what he was doing was, at least, manipulative. I mistakenly thought the problems lied in the subjects, or his chosen responses. Lying, stupidly, about gawking at another woman’s ass, as she walked past us. He made both disgustingly obvious. It wasn’t that he wasn’t able to control himself in either the gawking, or the lies immediately following. Both scenarios were put in place by him, to see how I would react, and nothing more. The reason he made both so unmistakably obvious, is so I wouldn’t mistake them as innocent. So I would KNOW he lied and KNOW he gawked. I didn’t see that right away. It was actually after his last stunt, that he himself gave me the answer to every other time, and finally my eyes were opened to the “real” story. It wasn’t in the act. It was his intentions BEHIND the act. He just skillfully and methodically put those actions into play, as a chess player would do, to get his opponent to counter with  a move he could use. It’s strategic, methodical and malicious. I was a toy and a tool. Nothing more than that. 

Still, even with all of this knowledge and epiphanies, I was still struggling with no-contact. I analyzed this, too, while I was in the middle of it. Why did I still feel the need to contact him? I was angry. I was hurt and I had insatiable questions that longed for answers. I needed to know what I was looking for from him, when I would, again, text, call or email him. I couldn’t completely define what I was looking for, but I knew the direction. I wanted to see remorse, that so far he was so devoid of showing, except for those times I would go silent. Silence from me, initiated the fake remorse response from him. Every time. I wanted him to admit to what he had been doing and understand how he was hurting me. I already knew by his habitual actions, hurting me was just a consequence to his game. His intention wasn’t necessarily to hurt me, though he knew he would.. it was all for the reaction. He knew it would hurt me, and didn’t care. It was the “all’s fair in love and war”. I had given up on getting the man I fell for, back, as he never existed in the first place.

My last attempt to contact him was with a defined purpose. I emailed him with a proposed excuse he could use. It was designed to bait HIM into answering MY questions. I suggested that he had emotional issues left over from abuse he endured at the hands of his mother. Psychological and emotional abuse. I was partially serious, in that I truly believe that it is at the root of all his compulsions to manipulate and control a woman’s emotions, just for kicks. I knew how he would respond. He didn’t address my proposed excuse. He immediately took the subject to blaming me, because “some people might take certain things wrong”. He recognized that words “mean things” and he needed to be more careful of MY feelings… as if everything hurt me, still, only because I was over-sensitive. AKA: blame shifting. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is in his mid-50’s. If he didn’t get the understanding that ‘words hurt’ by now, he would never get it. He was feigning innocence. I kept directing the conversation to his repeated actions, actually telling him about baiting me for a reaction. In his frustration, he counted each time, himself, and named each instance for me, while still claiming innocence and remorse (covered by sugar-coated blame-shifting and subtle accusations).

He knew. He knew all along, what he was doing. But I already knew that. In that texting conversation of ours, I got the validation I needed from him. #1, that he knew what he was doing and could recount each time without provocation from me. #2, Even though he claimed the desire to change, the fact that he was still shifting blame, told me he still had absolutely no desire to change. He would continue in his sadistic game, with me as his subject… as long as I allowed him to.

This was what I needed to finalize everything in my heart and mind. I found disdain and disgust for a man, where “love” used to be. My final text to him was two words, “Go away”. I meant it, and have had no desire to talk to him ever again. He actually turns my stomach.

I DO NOT recommend doing this, in order to help your situations at all!! I was lucky and understand that completely. It is exponentially better to TRUST WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW without needing any validation from any source. Your gut will tell you whether the person you are with is “bad” or “good” for you. Whether or not you are in extreme anxiety when you are with this person, or if you feel safe and content, should tell you when to walk away or stay. In taking the route that I did, that final day, I placed myself at risk.

The validation we crave, is found in the CYCLE OF ABUSE! His repeated offences without verifiable remorse or any inkling of a conscience, should be all the validation we need, in order to cut ties completely. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, many times we are still not satisfied with the obvious. We have to beat it to a pulp before we exhaust ourselves into having no other choices. Then, in our exhausted state, we are able to go no contact for a short time. We are weary, then. We are heart-sick. I understand this cycle of abuse/survivor. It’s all in the trauma bond that we inherited.

For me, the aftermath of this last fiasco has brought me PEACE! I don’t understand exactly what enabled that, or why. Once I was able to view him as pond-scum, I stopped caring about any potential smear campaigns. I stopped caring about being shunned at work. I am still ever vigilant in keeping a watchful eye, but not so much with fear. Its maintaining control. Not over everyone else, but in being aware of who is around me. Even those areas that were still being affected by the psychopath of my past, have changed into something else. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of others, what they might say or do.

I’m finally, truly free. I don’t care about how my most recent ex-boyfriend is feeling, or whether or not he truly loves me. i don’t care anymore, that he’s still scheming for something or someone to continue to feed him his meal of emotional reactions. He’s sent me 3 texts in the last 2 weeks. The latest one(s) are exclaiming his undying love for me, begging me to talk to him again. I see him as pathetic, now, with absolute disgust for his attempts. He has to know he failed in the game.

I will give him time to walk away, and honor my request that he leave me alone. If he continues to call or text after a certain amount of time, he will be met with a letter, certified return receipt requested, demanding that he honor my wishes. It will be notarized. From there, I will take whatever steps that are necessary. It still is painful to some degree, when he tries to contact me. It keeps those painful spots inside of me, still raw. I don’t want or need that in my life. It’s unfair of him to continue to try to bait me for any reason. But, he was never “fair” or “just” in his actions to begin with, was he?

Never judge a book by it’s cover


The saying, “Never judge a book by it’s cover”, has been around longer than I know. When phrases become “cliche'” and “an old saying”, folks tend to put them on the back burner, viewing them as old, worn out ideals, that don’t apply to ‘modern’ times. We ignore them, much of the time. This particular one has become another one of the ‘cliche’s’ but is, non-the-less, very true. In the realm of a new relationship, or potential there-of, it’s  imperative to listen.

Unfortunately, there are some of us who put too much stock in “first impressions”. We do it when meeting someone new. We do it when someone is ‘handsome’ or ‘pretty’. “Awww… he seems nice.” or “Man, what an ASS!”. When we get an impression of someone’s character or whether that person is nice or not, we cling to that ideal. We think it, therefore we are right. Right? Many times, we find out we couldn’t have been more WRONG! As it pertains to a new romance or friendship, giving things time to pan out is very important.

When we first meet ANYONE, that person is usually on their best behavior, especially when its a cordial meeting. Not so much with a chance meeting of your husband’s mistress. When it’s a cordial ‘meet and greet’ session, we smile, shake hands, exchange pleasant banter and move on. If there is some sort of ‘connection’, we may even exchange phone numbers. Unfortunately, some place a measure of trust in that person, right then and THERE. I can’t begin to tell you just how DANGEROUS THIS IS!

I used to trust everyone, until they proved they couldn’t or shouldn’t be trusted. Even then, I still explained and ‘poo-poo’d’ away certain unpleasantries, like; if someone was angry or spiteful toward me, with no perceivable reason, I attributed it to, “he/she is just having a bad day.”. Most times I was right, but there were times I was wrong. I always, ALWAYS believed the best about others. The last 2 years, looking back, I can clearly see subtleties that should have alerted me to a looming threat or even danger, when dealing with some of  those people I trusted. I was too busy ‘trusting‘ and ‘believing’ to see it.

Time went on, trusting these people with my secrets, dreams and even my family. These people talked with me, asking questions about this or that, or even joining me when I was discontent or angry with someone who had “done me wrong”. They would say, “I would hurt him if he ever came around you again” or “What a bitch”. They ALWAYS agree with you!!!! These same people are ‘johnny on the spot’ if you need or want anything. Even if you don’t want them to drive 2 hours to be by your side during an emotional time, they are there for you. They will sit and have coffee with you, and buy you surprise “thinking of you” gifts. They are ALWAYS, ALWAYS full of complements about how ‘beautiful’ you are, nice you are, and so on. Those of us who enjoy the attention, affection and smiles, are quick to think “best friend” or even, “soul-mate”.

Some people are sincere in SOME of the gestures. Others are trying to woo you into believing they are “wonderful”, “friend” and even, “soul-mate” on the outside, while inside they are plotting…something. Thieves will do this, to gain access into your home, or to gain information about whatever they want to defile. Narcissists and Psychopaths do this, to insure their newly found meal will stick around a while… It’s easier to conquer a kingdom from the inside. After all, the guards are watching outside the perimeter. Most wouldn’t think to watch those “friends” on the inside, with our families.

This is a rule I used to follow, and for whatever reason, it got put on the back-burner. If someone is OVERLY COMPLEMENTARY, IT IS BEST TO AVOID THAT PERSON… Nine times out of 10, that person is someone you shouldn’t trust. They are trying to woo you into trusting them, for another reason. The same applies, if someone agrees with you about EVERYTHING, be cautious or even just walk away entirely. NO 2 PEOPLE HAVE THE EXACT SAME VIEWS ON EVERYTHING!

I knew a man, once, who was exactly like this. He was constantly telling me just how wonderful I was to help by watching his daughter, and so on. He would complement my looks, my home, everything. It wasn’t the nice, heartfelt, occasional complement. It was to the point that I thought within myself, “God, would you STOP already?!”. It made me uncomfortable, and not because I was embarrassed. My skin literally crawled. One day, after 2 weeks of watching his daughter and not hearing from him at all, he finally showed up at my apartment to pick her up. I was cleaning my bathroom when he showed up and, as usual, I had taken my wedding ring off and placed it on the cabinet. He rang the doorbell, and I answered. He asked to use my bathroom and, without waiting for the ‘ok’, he dove in. After a considerable amount of time, he finally came out and left in a hurry… never to be seen again. It didn’t take me long to realize, “I didn’t hear anything… NOTHING”. I didn’t hear the usual sounds that came from a bathroom, when you are only 10-15 feet away. No ‘tinkle’, no flush, no running water. I felt very uneasy about my ring, but he didn’t give me any time to retrieve it before he dove in. Sure enough, my ring was gone… 

You can meet people dressed in designer clothes, complete with perfectly pasted smiles. He could  be a banker or a sales professional, full of smiles, and charismatic charm. He could also be the poor single dad who is fighting to stay afloat, for his childrens’ sake, doing what it takes to get by. He’s dirty and doesn’t smell very good, due to working in the heat. Lets pretend that you don’t know any details about either…

Enter the charismatic well dressed person. He might be a business professional. You have never met this person, but you like their suit very much. This person greets you with sincerity, shaking your hand and smiling a smile that would melt polar ice-caps. Directly behind the first, comes a very dirty man whose eyes never leave the floor’s sight. He is missing an incisor or two, never speaking a word. As he comes into the room, he quietly finds a seat, still never speaking to anyone, and comes to rest sitting away from others…

Here’s your chance to choose who you can trust… You only have a minute or two, to decide. Business-man? Or unkempt man? If you are like most people, you would choose to trust the one who is more visually appealing, or who appeals to your base human need to be addressed and noticed. The business person. Here’s the name of the Business man:

Ted Bundy

English: Ted Bundy in custody, Florida, 1978 o...

After graduating from UW in 1972[42] Bundy joined Governor Daniel J. Evans‘s reelection campaign.[43] Posing as a college student, he shadowed Evans’s opponent, former governor Albert Rosellini, recording his stump speeches for analysis by Evans’s team.[44][45] After Evans’s reelection he was hired as an assistant to Ross Davis, Chairman of the Washington State Republican Party. Davis thought well of Bundy, describing him as “smart, aggressive … and a believer in the system.”[46] In early 1973, despite mediocre Law School Admission Test scores, Bundy was accepted into the law schools of UPS and the University of Utah on the strength of letters of recommendation from Evans, Davis, and several UW psychology professors.[47][48] 

… Theodore Robert “Ted” Bundy (born Theodore Robert Cowell; November 24, 1946 – January 24, 1989) was an American serial killer, rapist, kidnapper, and necrophile who assaulted and murdered numerous young women and girls during the 1970s and possibly earlier. After more than a decade of denials, he confessed shortly before his execution to 30 homicides committed in seven states between 1974 and 1978; the true total remains unknown, and could be much higher. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Bundy)

You could meet 2 people from 2 very different walks of life. One, dressed in all black, sporting a full head of dread-locks…the other in a suit and tie, who drives a very nice car. One is kept to himself, and won’t look you in the eye… while the other pranced around as though everyone already knows and loves him. Due to appearances, we might gravitate toward the one who is friendly and charismatic, over the one who has dingy black clothes, and dread-locks. Why? One is more socially appealing. The other causes you to question his motives, by his dropped gaze. One of the two is a threat to your well-being. The other is not. Who would you choose to be the one you should trust?

It’s important to give ourselves time to get to know ANYONE we meet, no matter who that person is. A first impression has no business being the final impression. You never know who wrongfully deserves and gains your trust, while the person you were meant to meet is walking out the back door… We are too busy being “coddled” and pleased by what our eyes perceive, to give any thought to what really matters during the coming days and months. Give it time. If the person is sporting a fake facade, they won’t be able to hold the false face for long. Most begin to show true nature within the first 6 months. Some within a matter of a week, others might take longer. Patience…

You deserve to be patient. You’re worth it…

Another update on this journey… the dangers of reacting


I’ve spoken of hind sight in the past. I’ve spoken of being strong and becoming stronger. I talked as if I knew everything there was to know about Psychopaths, according to my own experiences. I also spoke of Narcissists. I never claimed to know much other than what my own experience had taught me. As it stands right now, I still only understand as far as my own experience, though I had read several articles and personal accounts from people who have lived through those things, too.

I was wrong to think that Psychopaths and/or Narcissists acted in the exact same way, though the similarities are uncanny in their methodology. I was wrong to think that they presented themselves as an evil entity, as a rule. Sometimes their ability to present as a caring, loving person is shocking, when compared to the “Mr. Hyde” they bring out, without a care or any forewarning. In my case, Mr. Hyde was and is a compulsive, sadistic opportunist. My only warning that he was about to do ‘something’, was a look that I recognized, but couldn’t translate the meaning behind it until much later. I had to go through his compulsively implemented ‘gauntlet’ for me, first.

This past year has left me with even more unanswered questions than before, though this time around, I have more peace about it. Just for the record, I hate learning and HATE being tested even more.

Hind sight. It’s the world’s best teacher, as well as the most cruel. It’s cruel, in that to actually gain hind sight, one has to go through the gauntlet, first. Hind sight shows you what you had missed in the smallest details. Those things that, had you noticed and recognized them, you wouldn’t have ever gone “there” to begin with. This is my entire last year.

In my case, this year I discovered that my “intuition” was a bit faulty in the beginning. The man I dated was older than me by 8 years. With me, in my later 40’s, and he in his mid 50’s. I look younger than I am, thanks to my mother passing down her “younger” genetics. He looks like he could be my father, or an uncle. When I met him, he presented himself as a caring, fun-loving man, with a heart of gold. He was a gentleman when it came to me. Persistent, but never pushy. Very patient when asking me to go out with him. Unfortunately, it worked like a charm. Eventually, I agreed to a blind date, set up by his friend. The rest is history. Repeated history, unfortunately. Maybe the reason I trusted him so easily, was because he WAS so patient, and just maybe I felt safe with him because he is older. I could beat the reasons why to a nub, without ever getting a plausible answer.

The baiting started early on in our relationship, though I didn’t recognize it as such, then. Looking back, I can see the same familiar look on his face, prior to the things he would do or say to me. Every single time I got upset, was when he used a situation or discussion to his advantage in order to bait me into a reaction. He couldn’t plan for the majority of those times. He only recognized the opportunity and used it against me, to play my emotions at the time. Much like a drug addict needing a “fix”. Some of the time he used subjects that he and I had already discussed, which were important to me. Other times, he just wanted to “hurt” me to see how I would handle it. Of course, it was always a “joke” that I wrongfully misunderstood, according to him. The poor misunderstood man… How could I be so cruel? That is the picture he is painting to others. **sigh** here we go again…

Hind sight also shows you in your weaknesses. Those areas I thought I was strong in. I knew the subtle signs of Narcissists and Psychopaths. Those things never vary, as I understand. Things like; quick whirlwind romances, where the other claims “soul mate” and “love” early on, the “perfect” things that he would say, that no-one else knew about. Those things that pull at your heart-strings. Those things that your heart and mind long for, the most. It’s amazing to look back and think, “How could I be so stupid!” As I look back, I see that those things were put there by him to make me react, so he could successfully groom me into being receptive toward him, in the beginning, and then into giving him multiple chances to continue to bait me into becoming upset, again. I did. I ignored just those very, obvious signs that something was horribly wrong. I ignored them because I trusted him. I was foolish, willfully naive and still distrusting of what I already KNEW to be true!

Soo… it’s been brought to my attention by a few folks that I need to stop “reacting”. Please pardon the snide feel to this response, but “DUH!” haha! When the baiting is such that it is brought out during the normal act of casual conversation, it’s hard NOT to react. It starts as if he misunderstands something, then WHAM! Out comes the hurtful, tormentuous attacks, meant to hurt or anger me. Always compulsive, and opportunistic in nature. In the course of a normal discussion or conversation, it’s hard to recognize until you are already upset. The battle is in knowing whether or not it is an actual attack meant to get a reaction, or if it’s a normal argument or misunderstanding between 2 people. It became obvious to me, finally, when I began to notice a timed cycle. I started paying attention to his response to hurting me or making me mad. After all, it was a “joke”, right? How did he respond? Was he remorseful when he realized you got upset? Or did he keep pushing for a bigger and badder reaction, only to blame you and your lack of a sense of humor? IE: “Can’t you take a f’ing joke?!” Finally offering a fake apology, “I’m sorry you took that wrong”.

NORMAL people, when they are trying to play with you to get a “rise” out of you with no mal-intent, will be horrified when it becomes clear that you have been hurt. They will stop the joking, and apologize immediately, explaining their intent. Those who are Narcissists will NOT! Their level of “joking” is comparable to the schoolyard bully, who tries to hurt someone because its fun. Period. These assholes never grew up. It’s up to us to learn how to keep from being targeted.

We will always be targeted. It’s human frailty at it’s best. However, we don’t have to be victims to their game.

Personally, I need to learn how to trust myself and what I already KNOW! Regardless of how I might FEEL! One thing I am grateful for is that I did stand up for myself, this time. I was still targeted and victimized (in a way), but in time I called a spade a spade. I stopped trusting his “caring” facad, which was only there to keep me “reeled in”. It’s a good thing to give someone the chance to change, but when it becomes just another series or a cycle, spoken from a consistent script (“Please, let me show you. Let me prove it to you. I’m changed. I just want to earn your trust again…”), be kind to yourself and walk away. What do his actions prove, following his exclamations?

Don’t be fooled into thinking being friends is something to strive for, after everything is done. That is just another opportunity given to the Narcissist, to keep playing with his favorite (for now) toy. Walk away and never look back.

This is a lesson to myself, which I embrace. I hope you are able to glean something for yourselves through this entry, too.

P.S. I thought I would let you in on, “the look”… it was the look of a ‘suspicious

This is the closest to the actual look he would give me, directly before baiting me for a reaction.
This is the closest to the actual look he would give me, directly before baiting me for a reaction.

observer’. That’s it in a nutshell. Its one you can pinpoint if you’ve ever seen it from someone. Suspiciously mindful. As if the person was watching for something, like getting caught or a desired reaction. Almost fearful. Strange. I could describe it from the beginning. I recognized it as the look that always proceeded the ‘attack’, for a lack of a better word. It always proceeded the stunt, the baiting or pushing for any reaction from anywhere.

It’ll Wash


I remember life as a young wife, with young kids and a husband who really didn’t give a damn. I

Life is a precious gift. Don't waste it being ...
Life is a precious gift. Don’t waste it being unhappy, dissatisfied, or anything else you can be (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

was determined to be the perfect wife, Mommy, cook, hostess, baker and maid that I could possibly be. I was determined to be the personification of the Domesticated Housewife. I said domesticated for a reason… The tamed wild beast called “woman”, after the male’s influence and intervention, is “domesticated” much like any other animal. That’s the way several men view women in general. It still brings me to tears.. It’s what I believed my calling was. After all, wasn’t that every woman’s calling? I know that is so way off base for any normal girl. Most girls set out to see their dreams come true, and to anyone who would stand in her way?? Hell hath no fury as a woman blocked from what she wants! Except me. My dream was to serve. Seriously. My dream was to achieve absolute perfection, from the domestic view-point. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted my husband to be happy and proud of me, too.

Didn’t happen.

Ever.

“Hell hath no fury as a woman…”

With each day that passed, it became more and more apparent that my husband wasn’t happy with me, other than as a servant. I wanted him to be IN love with me, which he never was. That  was reserved for my best friend, who lived down the road. It was reserved for the younger girls who he worked with in our church’s drama group. It was reserved for every one else but me. This produced a drive in me that wasn’t a good one. I worked harder and more furiously. He would leave his week-old socks (he wore them for a week) in the middle of the living room after I cleaned it, expecting me to pick them up. I asked him to “Please put them in the laundry” and his response was the same as any other chauvinistic jack-ass…”I work all day, while you do nothing. I think it’s only fair…” This included yard work, spending time with us as a family and so on. Ok…I sense a tangent brewing. Moving on…

The harder I worked, perfectly timing everything in the house, the more demanding and gestapo-ish I became, and the more my husband viewed me as a tool. Everything was done in the house by 9am. The shades wouldn’t open until then, because I didn’t want anyone to see my house as a mess. My kids would be kids, leaving toys around. My year-old daughter would tip her bottle, just to see it drip. Cute, right?  I panicked. If I left a butter knife in the sink, unwashed and undone, I would freak. If my ex left anything out of place, I would freak. Get the picture? In my exuberance to be the perfect “whatever”, I was creating an absolute hell for myself, my family and especially my beautiful babies. In feeling like a failure in every area, quickly fighting to become something for others to be proud of, I was becoming a type of monster. I called this phase my “cleaning frenzy”. It wasn’t fun for anyone. The difference is that I recognized it. I’ve always been a prisoner to introspection and extrospection.

020My then 18 month old daughter would spill something, as normal babies and children do. I didn’t want to freak out in any way, so I handed her a towel and showed her how to clean up her own messes. Of course it wasn’t perfect. She missed a little here and there. I learned to breathe deeply, saying to myself, “It’ll wash”. This brought a sense of peace to my heart, strange as it might be. As the years have gone by, I’m not nearly as uptight about my house being spotless. I like it clean, don’t get me wrong, but I recognize that other things in life are more important. I’m ok with that to the point that I can border on being a slob! lol! I’m a housewife by nature. I’m a giver and server by nature. I honestly don’t know where I picked that up, but to serve makes me happy. Like I am making a difference for someone else.

I also recognize that try as I might, I will never be perfect. I have shortcomings. I do stupid things and make stupid decisions without thinking them through.

On the days that i find myself getting down on myself for not doing something “good enough”, my automatic response is, “It’ll wash”.

The peace that the phrase brings, is the good thing about it. There is a bad thing, too. Life is constantly fighting to hold a balance to all things. All life. All of nature. For anything good that happens, there will be something bad. For every action, there must be an equal and opposite reaction. It’s a law of physics and a law of nature. Ok..now that I’ve thoroughly confused you all 🙂 …

“It’ll wash”.. what that does in the negative spectrum, is allows you to push away anything negative. If the normal reaction is to get upset about something, taking a deep breath and allowing yourself to resign to, “It’ll wash” allows you to dissociate from that thing, situation or what-have-you. The bad part is in the dissociation. Left out of balance, that breeds the belief that your feelings are invalid. That situations will go away without any intervention from you. In my case, it reaffirmed what I had always been taught. I further solidified that belief. that type of life. Not good.

Left unchecked, you will find yourself further pushing anything negative away. “It’ll wash” will cause you to keep from dealing with what needs to be dealt with. Devalue. Discard. Dissociate. You put yourself in a realm of resignation. Something that becomes habitual over time, which keeps you from living. From experiencing life. From allowing yourself to grow.

There’s a place for that phrase to become a part of your thinking process. There are also places that it should be the LAST thing you resort to.

“It’ll wash”. When the house is a mess, with your kids’ toys all over the place. Lawn needs mowing, dishes need to be done, etc. etc. etc. and your toddler comes to you with a picture he/she drew. When your best friend is having a bad day. When life over-rides the mess. “It’ll wash” will allow you to keep everything in a healthy perspective for the moment. It’s in the moment that we produce lasting memories. Never something planned, and always something spontaneous.

Keep that from permeating every area of your life. Life still needs to be dealt with. However, when it’s something that you can’t change. Something that you are unable to handle for the moment, “It’ll wash” will give you that peace you need in the moment.

Take the time that your family needs to know you love and care about them…more than the house…more than work (when you are able to). Take that moment. It could mean their life, later on. It could be the deciding factor that tells your kids that they are precious to you.

It’s all in the perspective.

For the moment.

The Machiavellian Personality


I had never heard of this. Yes, I’ve lived under a stump most of my life. I was actually introduced to this term by a link on another person’s blog. I’d never heard the word before, and it had me curious. I clicked on the link and there, in print, was my X-monster! The best article I’ve found on this disorder is; http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic11253.html.  I’ve learned a lot over the last year and a half, but this one is the most validating for me. Please read this article, so you are up to speed on what I’m talking about as well as the traits associated with a Machiavellian. This is my life for over a year. This is what I endured from a Psychopath. As I have said before, my X was good at his game.

Machiavellianism is considered one part of the “dark Triad“, which includes Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machivellianism. These are all considered to fall into the realm of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Personally, I believe if one is considered a “high mach”, they are all of the above, in spades. I don’t think it’s possible for a Machiavellian personality to be anything but Psychopathic. In order to manipulate others in that grand of a scale, it’s proof positive that there is no empathy, conscience or remorse. None. Zilch. Nadda.

I’ve spent this last year and a half trying to make sense of things. Don’t get me wrong, I have been at peace regarding the abuse and abuser, but I still had questions. I still remember each thing he did, each gas lighting endeavor and extreme manipulation, yet something was still missing in finding the name of the monster. I was and am 100% positive I was dealing with a Psychopath. Even with everyone’s stories that I could relate to, my experience still seemed unreal and over-the-top, in comparison. I still felt crazy because I knew everything that happened, caught him in several cons and setting up schemes months in advance, yet even the Psychopaths I had learned about from other women didn’t match completely with my experience. I knew what I knew. I lived it. I was there. There were many “spot on” similarities, where our experiences as survivors have mirrored each other’s, yet when I would describe the patient schemes and con-games my X would set up, how he baited others (including most of all, myself) into acting a particular way in order to see a scheme through to fruition, it felt exaggerated. There is no exaggeration.

They seem innocent and confident. They are always charming and precise in everything. They will drop surprise gifts with a smile on their face, without any notable reason. They will talk to you about subjects that are only important to them. At times, they will ask you why something is important to you, then use your answer in order to destroy it. Know that, even though they seem nice and friendly, Trustworthy and ethical, understand that they are FAR from it. If your skin crawls for no reason while talking to someone, it’s best to get away from them and avoid that person in the future.

The Machiavellian is extremely dangerous. Not only are they skilled in destroying you from the inside, out, they are also very adept at ruining other’s lives, while using the “subject” as their own pawn. There are no limits to what the Machiavellian is capable of. They will blind-side you, even when you feel you have done well to cut him/her off at the pass. When you have trained yourself to think like them, in order to protect yourself. You will never be fully aware of what this individual is doing, until it’s already happened. I caught mine in a final scheme against me, using my friend to set me up. He was care-less in his set-up. He didn’t think I would be able to see it. I did and the rest is history.

I have to re-emphasize the fact that I am NOT a Psychological professional of any sort. I talk like I know my shit, but the fact remains that I am still learning. I’m sharing what I’m learning with the rest of you. I may not have all my facts perfectly straight, and I might be misguided in my thinking at times. Please let me know if that is the case, now. With that being said…

Thank you to all of you fellow bloggers. Without you, I would be lost.

Change of course…How do you win?


In the title, “change of course” was actually meant to say that I’m changing direction in my posts, for a minute. However, it fits this entry, too. I meant it as a change of direction, initially. If you write it as “Change, of course” with a comma inserted, thusly, it changes the entire meaning of that little itty-bitty 3 word phrase.

Ok, the next half…”How do you win?” Change, of course and in a change of course. Have I confused you, yet? I’m good at that. Bear with  me, please. Early new-by’s and semi-seasoned vets (in the wake of Psychological, Narcissistic, Psychopath and Pathological abuse) still battle some things from time to time. This is the only war we will fight that isn’t face to face or hand to hand (I mean after the ending of the relationship). When we leave the toxic relationship, it doesn’t mean the battle is over. Yes, the Narc or Psych will continue his side of the fight through smear campaigns and outright lies. He or she might be vindictive and continue the stalking, in order to stay one step ahead of you. But even this, isn’t what I’m talking about, though in a way it’s included.

In the wake of the abuse, whether that be a few months or a few (or many) years, we still battle the effects of the abuse. *If you have been out of the relationship for a while and you haven’t noticed the inner turmoil subsiding (I don’t mean gone completely), then you are either spinning in place, or have resigned yourself to it. DON’T DO THIS! This means that you lose in the battle, and the abuser WINS!* You are worth more than the ass-hole (male or female) who scrambled you, your confidence and self-worth. You are, in deed and in actuality, ALL COMPLETE HUMAN! That means you have been better than the abuser, from birth. You have ALWAYS BEEN better. Don’t succumb to his or her torture anymore.

Sooo, here we are walking along, doing and saying things that will strengthen us in our daily walk toward wholeness and then all of a sudden, “BAM!” We have a thought that takes us back to the beginning of our battle. For me, this usually happens when I have too much stillness or quiet around me. (like, today) My thoughts go along, willy-nilly, and cause a moment where I am defeated in it. Our thoughts are our own triggers, sometimes. If this happens, turn it around! Take a step or action which combats it. This entry is my step away, by the way, but only as a stepping stone.

I realize that, though I enjoy my days off, they can be counter-productive. My thoughts never EVER stop! I battle the habitual negative thinking, just like any other survivor, from time to time. I started this in the beginning, before I ever met the monster, during my time with him, and now, after my freedom. I’ve been away from him for a year and a half (except those uncontrollable times at work), and I still battle this. The difference, now, vs. the beginning…I realize it! I realize that I don’t have to lose the battle! I realize that I don’t have to be paralyzed by it or succumb to it. I’ve realized it since I left the monster. I’ve battled it daily, since the end of the pseudo-relationship. I recognize a thought creeping in, and shut it down. That doesn’t mean they are gone for good, or that they won’t sneak in unsuspectingly, it just means that I have the tools to shut them down, and OFF, if only just for the moment.

What’s the difference? I don’t settle. I don’t accept this as “the way it is”. I refuse to. I’m better than what I think. I’m better than my past, and I am most DEFINITELY better than the abusers!!

How do we win? Refuse to stay complacent. Refuse to accept less than wonderful thoughts, feelings and things for yourself. He or she will STILL try to keep the fear and negativity fresh in your mind, through their actions while away from you. They know you will hear about it, and count on it to keep your wounds open and raw. Don’t accept it!! This doesn’t mean to seek them out and hurt them, in retaliation. Remember? You are better than that! They aren’t worth the heart-ache or aggravation. They aren’t worth ONE WASTED MOMENT, ON THEM.

This is my own pep-talk, but I do realize that so many others are in the same battle. If being still is what is allowing the negative thoughts to creep up, then get up! Do something productive. Call a friend and encourage them for their day. Wash your car, your house. Take a long shower, and allow the warm water to consume you, and ENJOY IT! When you get out, dress in something that makes you feel beautiful. Do something that makes you feel good. Go for a walk. Anything!!

If the thoughts are REALLY intrusive, on a regular basis…becoming a volunteer for a group that you believe in, is a good way to stay productive toward your OWN healing. I’m actually thinking about volunteering at a local woman’s shelter. We have one that is a lock-down unit for women and children. After a certain time, the gates are locked for each apartment, keeping all inside, safe from attack from an abuser.

The key is to keep moving! Stay POSITIVE! Don’t allow yourself to lose, and the perp to win!! EVER!!!!

You are beautiful. You are strong. You are resourceful.

Find some peace today, in your hearts and minds. You are worth it.