When will things get back to “normal”?


Do you ever wonder when, or even IF life will get back to normal? I spent a few years wondering that same thing. Then I realized, “normal” is such a relative term. Emotional chaos and psychological upheaval, are both very real, when you get out of an abusive relationship. Just because he or she is out of your life, doesn’t mean it’s “over” completely. You’ll go through good days, when you are surprised how little you thought of the relationship. Other days you’ll fee like its only been hours since your world fell out from under you. The only advise I have for you on those days is, BREATHE! Take a deep breath…then another… get up and walk or call a friend. Get busy doing something. Be determined not to just breathe, but to live!!

Normal… Here’s my version of normal: Both of my kids are struggling and barely off the streets. I found a wonderful man over a year ago, who I married this past summer. His kids are only slightly more stable than my own kids. Both of our previous lives have been compiled into one major fucked up scenario. We, as well as our children, take turns with our fucked-up-ness and are no where near what the status quot would view as “normal”. All of our children feel safe with the two of us, and know they can turn to us when they need us. Financially, we’re like babies, trying to get things under control, though I can now say, “It’s a wonderful life.”

After my exodus, I day dreamed about what life would be like when I was my normal self, again. The thing is, I was forever changed because of what I lived through. I would never see that part of myself again. The part that I was comfortable with and who I thought I loved, I would never get back. It was that part of me, that I grieved for a very long time. It was also those parts I lost, that were also the reason(s) I was such an easy target. I don’t mourn those parts of me, anymore. I needed to change.

Normal for me, used to be emotional chaos even before the monster came into my life. I was always panicking when I thought someone was angry with me. I back-tracked over my words, relentlessly, to avoid any negativity from any person. I over-explained myself to the point that I looked like a child. A vulnerable child. I had no self-confidence, though I believed I had plenty. I trusted everyone, and put my own heart on the line, without a second thought. Normal… I was FAR from normal. But, that life was normal for me, regardless of how horrible it was. It was normal because it was what I was used to.

“Normal” has changed, so very much! Once upon a time, my counselor asked me what my personal morals were. I tried to answer her questions, but I was repeating my parent’s morals…I was repeating what society had taught me, throughout my life. She kept saying, “That’s THEIR morals, but what are YOUR’S?”. It took me this long to finally be able to answer the question. I feel like I’ve finally arrived! Ha! The thing is, once I was able to answer that question, I also realized that my personal morals would be what would also create my “normal” life. What I’m used to and am happy with, now.

Morals are not only what is acceptable in society. They are also what your own code of ethics, are. Normal to me, as well as what are my personal morals, is… Never lie to myself. Always be real and true to myself. (This sounds so self-centered). If I’m going to say or do it, I might as well stand behind it. That means; if it comes out of my mouth verbally or in action, I have to have the confidence to stand behind it. Don’t cower or backtrack. No excuses or lies, especially to myself.  This line of thinking and living, demands self-confidence, in order to follow through. If I have planned to accomplish something during my day off, but chose to procrastinate instead, I cannot make excuses. Making an excuse to someone else for my inaction, means I am lying to myself as well. If I procrastinated, I am honest about it, come-what-may, even if that means someone becomes angry at me, for it. I own it and most definitely earned it. That’s just an example. Society’s morals are in the mix, too. I still cling to and claim them.

The result of all of that is, I don’t live in fear of the unknown, anymore. I walk with it, now. I’m not afraid of anger so much, anymore. I’m still learning and growing, but I’m very satisfied with who I am as a person, now. I am finally living my “normal”, in all it’s failings and frailties. I can breathe deep, knowing that, though the life I’m in isn’t real stable, the life I AM, is…

What a wonderful awakening 🙂

 

 

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Vulnerability and the potential target..


You hear the word “vulnerability” in various contexts. The word, however, always means the same thing. To be “Vulnerable” means there is a notable weakness. A crack in your armor, which can be exploited; being prone to attack. Children, aging adults, and even shoddily protected computer systems, are vulnerable. Computer hackers are guilty for the recent security breaches in many of our major shopping chains, across America. Millions of people’s’ identities are at risk, due to the exploitation of those vulnerabilities found by these perpetrators. Pedophilia is rampant across the globe. Elder abuse, whether in a private home, or state-run facility, often times goes without notice.

The exploitation or abuse isn’t just limited to those who are obviously (to the normal human) vulnerable or weak, or unable to protect themselves. Those who have been previously abused, neglected, attacked or have low self-esteem or lack of confidence, are seen as vulnerable and “weak” by the same depraved individuals, who are looking for someone to use for their self-gratification. It doesn’t just stop there. Are you a giver? A peacemaker? Do you have a selfless nature? Humanitarian? Are you naturally, highly empathetic? These wonderful qualities are seen as weaknesses by the social/human predator, as well. They aren’t seen as “wonderful qualities” by the Sociopath/Psychopath. In fact, the human predator is an astute student in human nature. They interpret these qualities, very analytically. They see “behind” the exterior, into the deepest recesses of our behaviors, exposing our actual needs behind the selfless acts. This is how they are able to mirror us so well. Creepy, huh?

For instance; Are you a selfless giver? A psychopath or Narcissist could interpret that as, “She needs approval and acceptance”. Empathetic? “She needs to feel understood, loved and cared about”. Those of us with less than ideal self-confidence, are especially subjective to becoming targeted and victimized. We are easy to see and weed out from the rest of the herd.

In the past 3 years, I have come to realize that no 2 psychopaths’ personalities are exactly the same. Their M.O. is ALWAYS the same, as in; Love-bombing, manipulation, mirroring, tailoring responses to mesh with our deepest desires, scheming and lying. Some Narcissists and Psychopaths (though very few) aren’t cheaters. However, they ALWAYS gas-light their targets. Some choose those whose vulnerabilities echo their inert weaknesses. Others want to go after the more self-assertive variety. The thrill is in the conquest, after all. The fact remains in that we all, as humans, have some sort of vulnerability. Some of us make the search very easy, while others take more time to ascertain.

Remember…even the Titanic, which at the time was considered “unsinkable”, met with a rogue iceberg which was able to find the slightest weakness in the hull of the ship. The rivets used were iron which degraded in the sea water, weakening the hull enough to be ripped apart by a huge block of ice. Even those of us who are coined with the phrase “unsinkable” and “unmovable”, have a vulnerable area.

Now, the conundrum… We are encouraged to be more vulnerable, by “relationship experts” and the likes of them. I can understand why this is. If we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable at all, we won’t be able to find true human connection. When two people are vulnerable and in turn, protected by each other, then we are able to allow and accept emotional intimacy.

Normal people shudder at the thought of exploiting any of these areas or people, for personal gain. But those people ARE out there. Sociopaths/psychopaths and narcissists, never show vulnerabilities. At least, ones that are obvious to normal people. Predators are secretive. They cover their tracks. They are exemplary schemers and liars. They manipulate you and others around them, so they don’t appear to be anything but how they want others to see them. Lets think about them, for a second. Do the Narc, Soc, or Psychopath truly have “no” vulnerabilities? Or are they just skilled at covering them up? They have skills, that’s for sure. Silence, whether from their chosen victim, or themselves, is absolutely necessary to insure their success. The pro-social Psychopath knows that if they talk too much, for instance, they take the chance of unveiling their true nature and in turn lose their cover. They will be seen for who they truly are, and what their desired end is. They would be unmasked. Was your ex-psychopath or Narcissist very open about their past, or what they do with their time? If they were, how easy was it for you to pick out the lies? The vast majority of them, are NOT open with you about ANY area of their lives…except for those tidbits that would be useful to further gain your trust. Even those things are carefully placed, without revealing too much information to you, and are still dusted ever so slightly in lies.

The #1 vulnerability that the Narcissist/Psychopath has is INSECURITY!!! They are afraid of exposure. They are afraid that the rest of the world will think them less than exemplary human beings (barf). We all know they are incapable of true decency, without the need for schemes. However, they still need constant ego buffing and adulation. They are afraid that someone will know the truth about them. Everything they do stems from this insecurity. I don’t feel the least bit sorry for them, or any inkling of pity. They choose to do what they do, and they know EXACTLY what they are doing. It’s planned, and malicious.

That leaves us with the daunting question of, What can we do to protect ourselves? Especially when different vulnerabilities are seen as exploitable, depending on the personality of the individual predator. I mean, one predator might want an easy-to-find catch. He/she’ll go after the one whose self-confidence is shaken. They want the conquest without the battle. How about the type who only wants the “hard-to-get” prey? They go after those who are self-assured, successful and strong (as they would appear to normal individuals). The same is true, however. Both types of predators find and exploit vulnerabilities. Given the time (and some are quite patient), they will expose your vulnerabilities, no matter how hard or easy they are to see. Again, what can we do to protect ourselves?

First, know their tactics. They always come on strong, giving us the person we’ve always longed to meet. The one we thought didn’t exist. The empathetic, caring, self-effacing gentleman. Gifts will abound. Favors. Etc. They will be loving and attentive. It’s easy…WAY too easy to get caught up in the fairy tale. I think it’s important to take strategic steps back, during the initial days. Revisit what has been said or done, away from them. Learn the phrases they say, or the responses they have to what YOU have said. The twists will be so subtle, it’ll be hard to distinguish at first. Believe me, even in the beginning, they will slip a little bit. How do they make you feel? Do you feel elation, only to be met with a sudden bout of shock? What shocked you? What was your response..even silently? I can’t express this enough… LOVE BOMBING SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE CODDLED!!! You should NEVER allow for it. If they are trying to push too much, too soon, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE walk away from them!

This is such a wide-open topic. I would love to hear your ideas… What are some ideas you might have, to protect ourselves from being targeted? Remember, we will ALL be targets. Not all will become victims…

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/extreme-fear/201010/how-psychopaths-choose-their-victims

http://www.heal-post-traumatic-stress.com/post_traumatic_stress_vulnerable.html

http://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself

Will Dr. Love save your marriage?


I can’t tell you how tired I am, of the MANY comments I’ve had to trash (gleefully), about Dr. Love, shaheed ramadan (forgive me if I sound horrible) “the ‘spell-caster'”, and the likes of them. I woke up irritable this morning, and after winning the battle against my stupid, annoying alarm clock, opened my comments and here was, yet, another lengthy comment about another spell-caster.

i’m sure that many of you have seen these too, especially if you comment on or follow my blog. It’s slightly amusing to me that they choose to post these advertisements/testimonials directly in the comment section of my entry, “When a psychopath, narcissist, cluster-b, ASPD won’t leave…”. I don’t want to set any comments to be moderated before posting, because others might need to read what you write, even if I can’t respond right away. Nine times out of ten, it’s on this particular entry.

This is BEYOND IRRITATING! If you haven’t already noticed, I do NOT BELIEVE THE TESTIMONIALS OR THE HYPE!

If you are being emotionally, psychologically or physically abused.. If you have been devalued and discarded… If you have been physically or psychologically abused by a Psychopath, Narcissist or just a flat out ASS-HOLE, why would you WANT to keep that relationship? No spell-caster, or person into demonology is going to be able to change the NATURE OF THE ABUSER!

Unfortunately, in the beginning of healing, when you are contemplating leaving the abuser and the horrible situation you are in, you might be fighting the urge to go back to him or stay. “Maybe I am just being unreasonable..” or, “It really isn’t that bad…is it?”. You are in the middle of second guessing yourself, your emotions, your anxiety and fear. This is due to the abuser’s ability and necessity to control you, your emotions, your thoughts and make you BELIEVE YOU ARE ACTUALLY CRAZY!! To some of you, just to read someone else’s words, just might vindicate you. You are probably shocked that some one else said exactly the same thing YOU ARE THINKING, RIGHT NOW! Why? Because I have been through it. Many others, who’s blogs I follow (or follow my own) have been in EXACTLY the same place, with the same thoughts that you are having. It’s an excruciatingly emotional whirlwind you are in, isn’t it? I remember being in exactly the same place, myself, all too well.

You might, in your desperation to cling to your “lost love”, try to enlist the assistance of a supposed “spell-caster”, to try to save your relationship. There are several women (especially) who, regardless of the abuse they are suffering at the hands of the perpetrator, want to have the same cloud-9 feeling that they got in the beginning of the relationship, before the abuse started.  That’s what they see when they look at the one who is, now, belittling them, hitting them, causing such anxiety and fear, and are walking on egg-shells around them, and so-forth. These “spell-casters” prey on people in these situations. They are scam artists and liars. They intend to keep you stuck in your situation so the “spell-casters” can manipulate YOU into falling for the hype. “I’ll give you what you want…for a price”. Hmmm…that is the same M.O. the psychopath uses to get you HOOKED, to begin with! Amazing, isn’t it?? Think about this.

This is the abuse cycle.. it applies in abuse of all types. If you are experiencing this, it’s a clue that you need to get AWAY FROM THE ABUSE AND ABUSER!! The cycle won’t change. The abuser won’t change, and neither will your circumstances, regardless of how much you “believe” in or “love” them.

PhyVio

What it fails to mention are the “Honeymoon phase” and sweet gestures that come in the middle of the cycle, which is used by the abuser to keep the ABUSED, STUCK!!

They don’t want anyone knowing what he is doing. In order to keep the secret alive, you are made to stay SILENT out of fear.

Why would you want this for yourselves? The only way to break the cycle is, to remove YOURSELF from it!

Period.

Now, to the idiots who are leaving there unwanted “testimonials” on my page: YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!!! Stop helping the abuser and the scam artist, by keeping women stuck! What would happen if someone read, and believed your stupid testimonials, and wound up being killed by the abuser as a result? How would you feel, to know you HELPED KILL ANOTHER WOMAN??

Spell-caster testimonials do not belong on an abuse-help BLOG!

If you, who are professing the hype (I assume you are being told to do this, to aid the spell-caster, at his/her request. You are probably being told that it will give the “spell”, power.) This is utter BULL-SHIT!! You might actually be abused, yourself. If this is the case, talk to me. Talk to someone for help, but PLEASE stop pushing this unwanted crap in sites meant to help women OVERCOME ABUSE!!

For the rest of you, I do hope you have a blessed weekend.

Stay strong and keep MOVING!!!

How do I know if he isn’t just being a jerk? Red flags that should never be ignored…


So many questions about relationships are out there, but this is one I have personally had over the years, especially after dealing with a Psychopath in my life, and then a Narcissist. Am I being unreasonable? Is my “narc-dar” so fine-tuned that I am actually “labeling” someone, unjustly?

That’s one end of the spectrum…

Lets imagine that my Narcissist radar IS fine tuned, yet (as I have already done) I STILL fall for another one of “them”. Yes, my senses are keen to attributes that people show, which are Narcissistic or Psychopathic… as long as I’m not personally involved with that person in one way or another. That doesn’t mean that I still didn’t see those characteristics. I was battling with the question I posed above. “Maybe I was being unreasonable.” and, “I know the tell-tale red-flags… but I haven’t given things enough time. Maybe I was imagining things…” Maybe I was “un” labeling them, when they SHOULD have been labeled. I was calling them “nice” when I should have called “ass-hole!”.

Do you see the confusion? The unwavering question/answer sessions? I’m going to try to clear this up for all of us. Of course as new survivors, you need to go through purging and processing periods. You NEED to learn to see characteristics in people that DO make your intuition yell. You will become a bit paranoid for a while, just for the sole purpose of never allowing yourself to go through that experience again. After all of the purging and processing, you’ll find yourselves being tested on your “skills” and newly placed (or reaffirmed) boundaries. Ready or not. Much of the time, your first testing will come only when you THINK you are ready and can face any demons that come your way, only to find out that you weren’t as strong as you thought. Trust me, been there, done that, myself.

Lets talk about the “jerks” out there.

When I think of a jerk, I think of a man whose view of women, in general, is skewed by upbringing or personal experiences. To some of them, women are only there to cook, clean, do yard work and bear children. Seen and not heard. Some think they are god’s gift to women, and set out to prove it… in spades. The jerks are out to get as many notches on their belts as humanly possible. To sleep with many women, then brag to their friends, is a glorious, pride-filled accomplishment. The jerks have no self-control, nor do they want any. They cannot control their tempers or their boyish drive. They are out for themselves, without regard for the women (or people in general) who will be hurt by them along the way. Does this make them Narcissistic? Psychopathic? Sometimes, yes, but not always. It ALWAYS, ALWAYS makes them jerks. Will they change in time? Probably, but not always. I personally know of a few “jerks” that became wonderful people as they got a little older. This is NOT the case with Narcissists or Psychopaths.

How can you tell them apart, in the beginning stages of a relationship?

You really can’t tell the nice guys from the jerks or Psychopaths, initially. They always put their best foot forward and their sweetest face on, when pursuing you. They are always nice, considerate, there for you and attentive. Always. The ones with the dark side, don’t want you to see that side of themselves. If they did, then they wouldn’t get the notch on their belt (for the jerks), or solidify their current choice of Narcissistic supply (for the Narc or Psych). The nice guys are in there, too… showing you their nice face, smile, empathy and compassion for others. These good attributes can be mimicked skillfully by the other types. The difference in seeing them for who they are, is in the time you spend getting to KNOW THEM! The ones who are putting on a false front, cannot hold onto that for long. In time, they will become comfortable or haughty. They will become confident that they’ve ensnared their chosen “beloved”, and will let their masks slip. It’s arrogance that will be their down fall, as well as pride and feeling comfortable enough to be themselves.

There are no grand epiphanies or treatments out there that will change the personalities or characteristics of the disordered. Psychopaths will remain psychopaths. Narcissists will always be Narcissists. There’s no “waiting” it out or fixing them. There’s no “loving” them or being “patient” enough, to show them the errors of their ways. What they are, will always be what they are. The only thing you can do to protect yourselves in the long run is by being aware of the base red-flags, which should NEVER be ignored.

The first and biggest red-flag you should be aware of, has nothing really to do with them. It has to do with US! How fast are you falling for the niceties, and allowing your hearts to swoon? Are your boundaries slipping rather quickly, when you KNOW BETTER? Are you falling for someone who hasn’t proven they are who they portray themselves to be? Has it only been a week? A month?

STOP!!!

You are in danger, when you let your heart “go” too early. It’s difficult at times, to keep your head on straight and your heart in check. If you do “fall”, all too often you will find yourself in an abusive situation. In the very least, you will be used as another “notch” or momentary gratification for the jerks. There is a lot to be said for allowing things to be “tried by fire”. We want to believe the best in others. Once our hearts have won the argument, if it happens too early, we have to be right about them at any cost. If abuse starts to show, the internal dialogue shows up, “He’s just had a bad day..”, “I KNOW he’s not like that! He did [this and that] for me..”. Too many times there will be damage done, if you haven’t paid attention early on. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but rarely.

Is he telling you, “you are the one!” and Soul mate“, within just a couple of weeks or a month of dating? How about “I love you!”

Mirroring comes into play, here, when you are dealing with narcissists or Psychopaths. Is he everything you have ever wanted or needed? Is he saying “just the right thing” at “just the right time”? Is he saying or doing those things that no one could possibly know about? Do they instantaneously tug at your heart-strings? This is planned. He’s watched and took note of areas that you need. He’s an ACTOR filling a ROLE for one purpose only. He wants YOU as his personal TOY! NO ONE is that perfect!! Listen to him, when he talks about himself. Do you EVER hear about HIS mistakes in relationships? Or is his ex-wife, girlfriend, etc. “crazy”? They are ALWAYS superficial, when showing you they “care”. It’s always to “do” and “be” what you need at any given time. “Johnny-on-the-spot”. Have they showed you anything that says they care about your heart, other than just words? I don’t mean buying you flowers. What has he done to show you he cares for you as a person or cherishes your heart? If all he does is superficial, self-centered, etc. please get away from them. This is the point when they start throwing exclamations of “love” and “soul-mate”, which is after they are certain you have been ‘caught’ and their supply is secured. You are dealing with someone who is needing a source of supply. Get away quick!

At the very least, he’s showing signs of being insecure. If he is insecure, you will see he cares about you…too much. He will show his “love for you” by being self-sacrificial, almost martyr-ish. This still isn’t a good thing. You might be opening yourself up for a whole lot of jealousy and obsessiveness. No fun, and never, ever good.

But I trusted him!” Yeah, welcome to the club. 

The only way you can protect yourself, is, to give things plenty of time. That is, only if they are showing you “good”, and not anything that would alert you to possibly being narcissistic or psychopathic, such as “mirroring” behaviors, superficiality, self-centeredness, and so-on. Not to worry, soon they will show their “true” colors. The disordered can’t hold their facade for much more than a few weeks. You will begin to see behaviors that are intended to bait you into reactions, no matter how small. Once instance should be questioned but allowed only after speaking up about it. Twice, is a character flaw or outright abusive personality, and you need to get away from that relationship.

If they have proven themselves to be decent and normal human beings, still give things more time. That person might not be right for you. Have you seen their temper yet? I suggest waiting until you, at least, see them irritated. You want to know if their temper is one that will still protect YOU!

You are worth the time it takes to get to know someone. You are important, too. We have only one life. One heart. One psyche. Please pay attention…

Peace after going ”no contact”


I’ve been thinking about the “no-contact RULE” lately. The reason being is, that I don’t believe there is an actual defined and definite rule that fits for everyone. I have read blogs that were for meant for talking about “hard” subjects, in accordance with the journey we all go through in the aftermath of a psychologically abusive relationship. These blogs are wonderful to help survivors to be able to expedite their own recovery. However, as to the subject of “no contact”, these same blogs were condemnatory toward survivors who were still struggling with that very subject.

In the process of ending contact with my last fiasco, as I have always done, I analyzed every response and attempt I tried. I “watched” as an outsider, taking notes on my own struggles, what finally worked for me to go no contact, and what happened as a result. I must tell you, though, this time around, for whatever reason, was more freeing for me, in the end!

One would think that I would have to completely rebuild, start over, etc. after a second go-round. At first, I was truly in a horrible place, again, fighting to make sense of things. Why someone who claimed to love me so much, could go through such extremes to hurt and bait me into a reaction, for no other reason but his personal “need” to be satisfied, much like a vampire. I felt like the entire “coming out” of my heart, was a complete waste. I was robbed and cheated. As if I would never get another chance to be whole again. That I would be bitter forever. Jaded. Cynical.

After each time of manipulation, gas-lighting and baiting for a reaction, I attempted to go “no-contact”. But I loved this man, as he SHOWED ME a man I longed for my entire life. I missed “that” person. That person disappeared as quickly as I fell for him. It was as though the initial love I developed for this person, was exactly what he wanted to see. You see, even THAT was something he used to get a reaction. The mirroring, tailoring everything he said and did, after my deepest desires, really was a baiting session. His desired reaction from me, WAS to have me fall deeply for him. Once he got that reaction, it was time to move on to harder, more hurtful ones. Since he already got me to fall for him, he could stop all the mirroring and caring gestures, and replace it with malicious mental and emotional games, hurting me for a reaction. Repetitively.

He played me like a deck of cards. He didn’t win, though for a time, he had the upper hand. I would go silent after each session (I don’t know what else to call it). I stayed silent, at times for as long as a week. Even though he blame-shifted directly following my over-the-top reaction, when I went silent and stopped talking to him, he would counter with texts and phone calls full of self-loathing and begging. Empty promises were his next playing field. He played into my natural empathy and sympathetic heart, still believing that this person was “normal”. He would beg for second, third, and forth chances to prove his love for me. To “earn” my trust. The thing is, each time I fell for those stupid lines, never once did he actually work to win my trust. He still had me where he wanted me, and it was back to business as usual.

Again and again, I tried to initiate ‘no-contact’. Again and again, I fell for his seemingly sincere remorse for hurting me.

I was in a mental and emotional war at this point. I KNEW and RECOGNIZED that what he was doing was, at least, manipulative. I mistakenly thought the problems lied in the subjects, or his chosen responses. Lying, stupidly, about gawking at another woman’s ass, as she walked past us. He made both disgustingly obvious. It wasn’t that he wasn’t able to control himself in either the gawking, or the lies immediately following. Both scenarios were put in place by him, to see how I would react, and nothing more. The reason he made both so unmistakably obvious, is so I wouldn’t mistake them as innocent. So I would KNOW he lied and KNOW he gawked. I didn’t see that right away. It was actually after his last stunt, that he himself gave me the answer to every other time, and finally my eyes were opened to the “real” story. It wasn’t in the act. It was his intentions BEHIND the act. He just skillfully and methodically put those actions into play, as a chess player would do, to get his opponent to counter with  a move he could use. It’s strategic, methodical and malicious. I was a toy and a tool. Nothing more than that. 

Still, even with all of this knowledge and epiphanies, I was still struggling with no-contact. I analyzed this, too, while I was in the middle of it. Why did I still feel the need to contact him? I was angry. I was hurt and I had insatiable questions that longed for answers. I needed to know what I was looking for from him, when I would, again, text, call or email him. I couldn’t completely define what I was looking for, but I knew the direction. I wanted to see remorse, that so far he was so devoid of showing, except for those times I would go silent. Silence from me, initiated the fake remorse response from him. Every time. I wanted him to admit to what he had been doing and understand how he was hurting me. I already knew by his habitual actions, hurting me was just a consequence to his game. His intention wasn’t necessarily to hurt me, though he knew he would.. it was all for the reaction. He knew it would hurt me, and didn’t care. It was the “all’s fair in love and war”. I had given up on getting the man I fell for, back, as he never existed in the first place.

My last attempt to contact him was with a defined purpose. I emailed him with a proposed excuse he could use. It was designed to bait HIM into answering MY questions. I suggested that he had emotional issues left over from abuse he endured at the hands of his mother. Psychological and emotional abuse. I was partially serious, in that I truly believe that it is at the root of all his compulsions to manipulate and control a woman’s emotions, just for kicks. I knew how he would respond. He didn’t address my proposed excuse. He immediately took the subject to blaming me, because “some people might take certain things wrong”. He recognized that words “mean things” and he needed to be more careful of MY feelings… as if everything hurt me, still, only because I was over-sensitive. AKA: blame shifting. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is in his mid-50’s. If he didn’t get the understanding that ‘words hurt’ by now, he would never get it. He was feigning innocence. I kept directing the conversation to his repeated actions, actually telling him about baiting me for a reaction. In his frustration, he counted each time, himself, and named each instance for me, while still claiming innocence and remorse (covered by sugar-coated blame-shifting and subtle accusations).

He knew. He knew all along, what he was doing. But I already knew that. In that texting conversation of ours, I got the validation I needed from him. #1, that he knew what he was doing and could recount each time without provocation from me. #2, Even though he claimed the desire to change, the fact that he was still shifting blame, told me he still had absolutely no desire to change. He would continue in his sadistic game, with me as his subject… as long as I allowed him to.

This was what I needed to finalize everything in my heart and mind. I found disdain and disgust for a man, where “love” used to be. My final text to him was two words, “Go away”. I meant it, and have had no desire to talk to him ever again. He actually turns my stomach.

I DO NOT recommend doing this, in order to help your situations at all!! I was lucky and understand that completely. It is exponentially better to TRUST WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW without needing any validation from any source. Your gut will tell you whether the person you are with is “bad” or “good” for you. Whether or not you are in extreme anxiety when you are with this person, or if you feel safe and content, should tell you when to walk away or stay. In taking the route that I did, that final day, I placed myself at risk.

The validation we crave, is found in the CYCLE OF ABUSE! His repeated offences without verifiable remorse or any inkling of a conscience, should be all the validation we need, in order to cut ties completely. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, many times we are still not satisfied with the obvious. We have to beat it to a pulp before we exhaust ourselves into having no other choices. Then, in our exhausted state, we are able to go no contact for a short time. We are weary, then. We are heart-sick. I understand this cycle of abuse/survivor. It’s all in the trauma bond that we inherited.

For me, the aftermath of this last fiasco has brought me PEACE! I don’t understand exactly what enabled that, or why. Once I was able to view him as pond-scum, I stopped caring about any potential smear campaigns. I stopped caring about being shunned at work. I am still ever vigilant in keeping a watchful eye, but not so much with fear. Its maintaining control. Not over everyone else, but in being aware of who is around me. Even those areas that were still being affected by the psychopath of my past, have changed into something else. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of others, what they might say or do.

I’m finally, truly free. I don’t care about how my most recent ex-boyfriend is feeling, or whether or not he truly loves me. i don’t care anymore, that he’s still scheming for something or someone to continue to feed him his meal of emotional reactions. He’s sent me 3 texts in the last 2 weeks. The latest one(s) are exclaiming his undying love for me, begging me to talk to him again. I see him as pathetic, now, with absolute disgust for his attempts. He has to know he failed in the game.

I will give him time to walk away, and honor my request that he leave me alone. If he continues to call or text after a certain amount of time, he will be met with a letter, certified return receipt requested, demanding that he honor my wishes. It will be notarized. From there, I will take whatever steps that are necessary. It still is painful to some degree, when he tries to contact me. It keeps those painful spots inside of me, still raw. I don’t want or need that in my life. It’s unfair of him to continue to try to bait me for any reason. But, he was never “fair” or “just” in his actions to begin with, was he?

Never judge a book by it’s cover


The saying, “Never judge a book by it’s cover”, has been around longer than I know. When phrases become “cliche'” and “an old saying”, folks tend to put them on the back burner, viewing them as old, worn out ideals, that don’t apply to ‘modern’ times. We ignore them, much of the time. This particular one has become another one of the ‘cliche’s’ but is, non-the-less, very true. In the realm of a new relationship, or potential there-of, it’s  imperative to listen.

Unfortunately, there are some of us who put too much stock in “first impressions”. We do it when meeting someone new. We do it when someone is ‘handsome’ or ‘pretty’. “Awww… he seems nice.” or “Man, what an ASS!”. When we get an impression of someone’s character or whether that person is nice or not, we cling to that ideal. We think it, therefore we are right. Right? Many times, we find out we couldn’t have been more WRONG! As it pertains to a new romance or friendship, giving things time to pan out is very important.

When we first meet ANYONE, that person is usually on their best behavior, especially when its a cordial meeting. Not so much with a chance meeting of your husband’s mistress. When it’s a cordial ‘meet and greet’ session, we smile, shake hands, exchange pleasant banter and move on. If there is some sort of ‘connection’, we may even exchange phone numbers. Unfortunately, some place a measure of trust in that person, right then and THERE. I can’t begin to tell you just how DANGEROUS THIS IS!

I used to trust everyone, until they proved they couldn’t or shouldn’t be trusted. Even then, I still explained and ‘poo-poo’d’ away certain unpleasantries, like; if someone was angry or spiteful toward me, with no perceivable reason, I attributed it to, “he/she is just having a bad day.”. Most times I was right, but there were times I was wrong. I always, ALWAYS believed the best about others. The last 2 years, looking back, I can clearly see subtleties that should have alerted me to a looming threat or even danger, when dealing with some of  those people I trusted. I was too busy ‘trusting‘ and ‘believing’ to see it.

Time went on, trusting these people with my secrets, dreams and even my family. These people talked with me, asking questions about this or that, or even joining me when I was discontent or angry with someone who had “done me wrong”. They would say, “I would hurt him if he ever came around you again” or “What a bitch”. They ALWAYS agree with you!!!! These same people are ‘johnny on the spot’ if you need or want anything. Even if you don’t want them to drive 2 hours to be by your side during an emotional time, they are there for you. They will sit and have coffee with you, and buy you surprise “thinking of you” gifts. They are ALWAYS, ALWAYS full of complements about how ‘beautiful’ you are, nice you are, and so on. Those of us who enjoy the attention, affection and smiles, are quick to think “best friend” or even, “soul-mate”.

Some people are sincere in SOME of the gestures. Others are trying to woo you into believing they are “wonderful”, “friend” and even, “soul-mate” on the outside, while inside they are plotting…something. Thieves will do this, to gain access into your home, or to gain information about whatever they want to defile. Narcissists and Psychopaths do this, to insure their newly found meal will stick around a while… It’s easier to conquer a kingdom from the inside. After all, the guards are watching outside the perimeter. Most wouldn’t think to watch those “friends” on the inside, with our families.

This is a rule I used to follow, and for whatever reason, it got put on the back-burner. If someone is OVERLY COMPLEMENTARY, IT IS BEST TO AVOID THAT PERSON… Nine times out of 10, that person is someone you shouldn’t trust. They are trying to woo you into trusting them, for another reason. The same applies, if someone agrees with you about EVERYTHING, be cautious or even just walk away entirely. NO 2 PEOPLE HAVE THE EXACT SAME VIEWS ON EVERYTHING!

I knew a man, once, who was exactly like this. He was constantly telling me just how wonderful I was to help by watching his daughter, and so on. He would complement my looks, my home, everything. It wasn’t the nice, heartfelt, occasional complement. It was to the point that I thought within myself, “God, would you STOP already?!”. It made me uncomfortable, and not because I was embarrassed. My skin literally crawled. One day, after 2 weeks of watching his daughter and not hearing from him at all, he finally showed up at my apartment to pick her up. I was cleaning my bathroom when he showed up and, as usual, I had taken my wedding ring off and placed it on the cabinet. He rang the doorbell, and I answered. He asked to use my bathroom and, without waiting for the ‘ok’, he dove in. After a considerable amount of time, he finally came out and left in a hurry… never to be seen again. It didn’t take me long to realize, “I didn’t hear anything… NOTHING”. I didn’t hear the usual sounds that came from a bathroom, when you are only 10-15 feet away. No ‘tinkle’, no flush, no running water. I felt very uneasy about my ring, but he didn’t give me any time to retrieve it before he dove in. Sure enough, my ring was gone… 

You can meet people dressed in designer clothes, complete with perfectly pasted smiles. He could  be a banker or a sales professional, full of smiles, and charismatic charm. He could also be the poor single dad who is fighting to stay afloat, for his childrens’ sake, doing what it takes to get by. He’s dirty and doesn’t smell very good, due to working in the heat. Lets pretend that you don’t know any details about either…

Enter the charismatic well dressed person. He might be a business professional. You have never met this person, but you like their suit very much. This person greets you with sincerity, shaking your hand and smiling a smile that would melt polar ice-caps. Directly behind the first, comes a very dirty man whose eyes never leave the floor’s sight. He is missing an incisor or two, never speaking a word. As he comes into the room, he quietly finds a seat, still never speaking to anyone, and comes to rest sitting away from others…

Here’s your chance to choose who you can trust… You only have a minute or two, to decide. Business-man? Or unkempt man? If you are like most people, you would choose to trust the one who is more visually appealing, or who appeals to your base human need to be addressed and noticed. The business person. Here’s the name of the Business man:

Ted Bundy

English: Ted Bundy in custody, Florida, 1978 o...

After graduating from UW in 1972[42] Bundy joined Governor Daniel J. Evans‘s reelection campaign.[43] Posing as a college student, he shadowed Evans’s opponent, former governor Albert Rosellini, recording his stump speeches for analysis by Evans’s team.[44][45] After Evans’s reelection he was hired as an assistant to Ross Davis, Chairman of the Washington State Republican Party. Davis thought well of Bundy, describing him as “smart, aggressive … and a believer in the system.”[46] In early 1973, despite mediocre Law School Admission Test scores, Bundy was accepted into the law schools of UPS and the University of Utah on the strength of letters of recommendation from Evans, Davis, and several UW psychology professors.[47][48] 

… Theodore Robert “Ted” Bundy (born Theodore Robert Cowell; November 24, 1946 – January 24, 1989) was an American serial killer, rapist, kidnapper, and necrophile who assaulted and murdered numerous young women and girls during the 1970s and possibly earlier. After more than a decade of denials, he confessed shortly before his execution to 30 homicides committed in seven states between 1974 and 1978; the true total remains unknown, and could be much higher. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Bundy)

You could meet 2 people from 2 very different walks of life. One, dressed in all black, sporting a full head of dread-locks…the other in a suit and tie, who drives a very nice car. One is kept to himself, and won’t look you in the eye… while the other pranced around as though everyone already knows and loves him. Due to appearances, we might gravitate toward the one who is friendly and charismatic, over the one who has dingy black clothes, and dread-locks. Why? One is more socially appealing. The other causes you to question his motives, by his dropped gaze. One of the two is a threat to your well-being. The other is not. Who would you choose to be the one you should trust?

It’s important to give ourselves time to get to know ANYONE we meet, no matter who that person is. A first impression has no business being the final impression. You never know who wrongfully deserves and gains your trust, while the person you were meant to meet is walking out the back door… We are too busy being “coddled” and pleased by what our eyes perceive, to give any thought to what really matters during the coming days and months. Give it time. If the person is sporting a fake facade, they won’t be able to hold the false face for long. Most begin to show true nature within the first 6 months. Some within a matter of a week, others might take longer. Patience…

You deserve to be patient. You’re worth it…

The Machiavellian Personality


I had never heard of this. Yes, I’ve lived under a stump most of my life. I was actually introduced to this term by a link on another person’s blog. I’d never heard the word before, and it had me curious. I clicked on the link and there, in print, was my X-monster! The best article I’ve found on this disorder is; http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic11253.html.  I’ve learned a lot over the last year and a half, but this one is the most validating for me. Please read this article, so you are up to speed on what I’m talking about as well as the traits associated with a Machiavellian. This is my life for over a year. This is what I endured from a Psychopath. As I have said before, my X was good at his game.

Machiavellianism is considered one part of the “dark Triad“, which includes Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machivellianism. These are all considered to fall into the realm of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Personally, I believe if one is considered a “high mach”, they are all of the above, in spades. I don’t think it’s possible for a Machiavellian personality to be anything but Psychopathic. In order to manipulate others in that grand of a scale, it’s proof positive that there is no empathy, conscience or remorse. None. Zilch. Nadda.

I’ve spent this last year and a half trying to make sense of things. Don’t get me wrong, I have been at peace regarding the abuse and abuser, but I still had questions. I still remember each thing he did, each gas lighting endeavor and extreme manipulation, yet something was still missing in finding the name of the monster. I was and am 100% positive I was dealing with a Psychopath. Even with everyone’s stories that I could relate to, my experience still seemed unreal and over-the-top, in comparison. I still felt crazy because I knew everything that happened, caught him in several cons and setting up schemes months in advance, yet even the Psychopaths I had learned about from other women didn’t match completely with my experience. I knew what I knew. I lived it. I was there. There were many “spot on” similarities, where our experiences as survivors have mirrored each other’s, yet when I would describe the patient schemes and con-games my X would set up, how he baited others (including most of all, myself) into acting a particular way in order to see a scheme through to fruition, it felt exaggerated. There is no exaggeration.

They seem innocent and confident. They are always charming and precise in everything. They will drop surprise gifts with a smile on their face, without any notable reason. They will talk to you about subjects that are only important to them. At times, they will ask you why something is important to you, then use your answer in order to destroy it. Know that, even though they seem nice and friendly, Trustworthy and ethical, understand that they are FAR from it. If your skin crawls for no reason while talking to someone, it’s best to get away from them and avoid that person in the future.

The Machiavellian is extremely dangerous. Not only are they skilled in destroying you from the inside, out, they are also very adept at ruining other’s lives, while using the “subject” as their own pawn. There are no limits to what the Machiavellian is capable of. They will blind-side you, even when you feel you have done well to cut him/her off at the pass. When you have trained yourself to think like them, in order to protect yourself. You will never be fully aware of what this individual is doing, until it’s already happened. I caught mine in a final scheme against me, using my friend to set me up. He was care-less in his set-up. He didn’t think I would be able to see it. I did and the rest is history.

I have to re-emphasize the fact that I am NOT a Psychological professional of any sort. I talk like I know my shit, but the fact remains that I am still learning. I’m sharing what I’m learning with the rest of you. I may not have all my facts perfectly straight, and I might be misguided in my thinking at times. Please let me know if that is the case, now. With that being said…

Thank you to all of you fellow bloggers. Without you, I would be lost.

Change of course…How do you win?


In the title, “change of course” was actually meant to say that I’m changing direction in my posts, for a minute. However, it fits this entry, too. I meant it as a change of direction, initially. If you write it as “Change, of course” with a comma inserted, thusly, it changes the entire meaning of that little itty-bitty 3 word phrase.

Ok, the next half…”How do you win?” Change, of course and in a change of course. Have I confused you, yet? I’m good at that. Bear with  me, please. Early new-by’s and semi-seasoned vets (in the wake of Psychological, Narcissistic, Psychopath and Pathological abuse) still battle some things from time to time. This is the only war we will fight that isn’t face to face or hand to hand (I mean after the ending of the relationship). When we leave the toxic relationship, it doesn’t mean the battle is over. Yes, the Narc or Psych will continue his side of the fight through smear campaigns and outright lies. He or she might be vindictive and continue the stalking, in order to stay one step ahead of you. But even this, isn’t what I’m talking about, though in a way it’s included.

In the wake of the abuse, whether that be a few months or a few (or many) years, we still battle the effects of the abuse. *If you have been out of the relationship for a while and you haven’t noticed the inner turmoil subsiding (I don’t mean gone completely), then you are either spinning in place, or have resigned yourself to it. DON’T DO THIS! This means that you lose in the battle, and the abuser WINS!* You are worth more than the ass-hole (male or female) who scrambled you, your confidence and self-worth. You are, in deed and in actuality, ALL COMPLETE HUMAN! That means you have been better than the abuser, from birth. You have ALWAYS BEEN better. Don’t succumb to his or her torture anymore.

Sooo, here we are walking along, doing and saying things that will strengthen us in our daily walk toward wholeness and then all of a sudden, “BAM!” We have a thought that takes us back to the beginning of our battle. For me, this usually happens when I have too much stillness or quiet around me. (like, today) My thoughts go along, willy-nilly, and cause a moment where I am defeated in it. Our thoughts are our own triggers, sometimes. If this happens, turn it around! Take a step or action which combats it. This entry is my step away, by the way, but only as a stepping stone.

I realize that, though I enjoy my days off, they can be counter-productive. My thoughts never EVER stop! I battle the habitual negative thinking, just like any other survivor, from time to time. I started this in the beginning, before I ever met the monster, during my time with him, and now, after my freedom. I’ve been away from him for a year and a half (except those uncontrollable times at work), and I still battle this. The difference, now, vs. the beginning…I realize it! I realize that I don’t have to lose the battle! I realize that I don’t have to be paralyzed by it or succumb to it. I’ve realized it since I left the monster. I’ve battled it daily, since the end of the pseudo-relationship. I recognize a thought creeping in, and shut it down. That doesn’t mean they are gone for good, or that they won’t sneak in unsuspectingly, it just means that I have the tools to shut them down, and OFF, if only just for the moment.

What’s the difference? I don’t settle. I don’t accept this as “the way it is”. I refuse to. I’m better than what I think. I’m better than my past, and I am most DEFINITELY better than the abusers!!

How do we win? Refuse to stay complacent. Refuse to accept less than wonderful thoughts, feelings and things for yourself. He or she will STILL try to keep the fear and negativity fresh in your mind, through their actions while away from you. They know you will hear about it, and count on it to keep your wounds open and raw. Don’t accept it!! This doesn’t mean to seek them out and hurt them, in retaliation. Remember? You are better than that! They aren’t worth the heart-ache or aggravation. They aren’t worth ONE WASTED MOMENT, ON THEM.

This is my own pep-talk, but I do realize that so many others are in the same battle. If being still is what is allowing the negative thoughts to creep up, then get up! Do something productive. Call a friend and encourage them for their day. Wash your car, your house. Take a long shower, and allow the warm water to consume you, and ENJOY IT! When you get out, dress in something that makes you feel beautiful. Do something that makes you feel good. Go for a walk. Anything!!

If the thoughts are REALLY intrusive, on a regular basis…becoming a volunteer for a group that you believe in, is a good way to stay productive toward your OWN healing. I’m actually thinking about volunteering at a local woman’s shelter. We have one that is a lock-down unit for women and children. After a certain time, the gates are locked for each apartment, keeping all inside, safe from attack from an abuser.

The key is to keep moving! Stay POSITIVE! Don’t allow yourself to lose, and the perp to win!! EVER!!!!

You are beautiful. You are strong. You are resourceful.

Find some peace today, in your hearts and minds. You are worth it.

 

Post traumatic stress and ruminating.


I’m not any kind of any sort of psychological professional. I talk about what I’ve lived through and learned because of it. I am not a full-blown scholar with copious amounts of Masters Degrees or a PHDs. I’m just me, talking to you about myself, hoping my experiences will teach you to avoid certain aspects of life. I’m your proverbial mother hen.

It seems that the published community, whether that be of lay-persons or professionals, have just as much trouble defining Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), as they do Sociopath and Psychopath. In the case of this post, I will center on PTSD, which is the chronic form of Post traumatic stress. It’s what lasts for many months or years, without the help of a professional. I will list the article which defines the difference when find it. Yes, giving credit is due, here, but it’s the definitions I’m interested in sharing with you at this point in time.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Is the Chronic form of Post traumatic stress which does not end relatively quickly and may require more intricate help from a psychologist or psychiatrist to find relief. Anti anxiety medications may be needed.  When the effects of trauma last for many months and even years, without evident lessening of severity, it becomes a full-blown disorder. Ruminating is very present, in both acute and chronic PTSD.

Rumination as with PTSD: This is a paraphrase of what I’ve learned and read.. Rumination is very present in PTSD, though it’s not generally understood if this practice is healthy or contributory to PTSD trauma felt, which only adds to the severity of PTSD. I for one believe it can be healthy if it doesn’t become habitual. If a person habitually ruminates in the acute stage of Post-traumatic Stress, it can develop into full-blown PTSD, if not dropped asap. I will explain more in the comment section if you need some clarification.

I’m a firm believer that there are many things that are beneficial to our health and well-being if done or eaten in moderation. That includes ruminating. The key here is in MODERATION.

Rumination can be beneficial to trauma survivors as a coping mechanism. A few years ago, I didn’t know what this looked like in survivors of acute Post-traumatic Stress. Last year I talked to a young woman who had just returned from fighting in Afghanistan. Since I was currently in the same place, I realized I was watching myself in her. She was wild-eyed, talking in earnest about her experiences and what she learned while there. Her experiences were fresh and raw in her mind. She looked and sounded crazy, though I knew she wasn’t. My boss got mad at me for taking time with her, but I knew she needed to vent and have someone listen to her. I gave her a caring ear. She needed someone to listen, and chose me at that point in time. I don’t even know her name.

Ruminating takes on a couple different forms: Mentally stewing over every fact, tear, action and reaction surrounding the trauma or talking about the experience, repeating every word and sentence many times, and every time the survivor tries to speak. Generally, if you aren’t talking about the abuse or trauma, you are incessantly thinking about it. This was me when I first got out of a very real type of hell, with a psychopath. This was me, especially for the first few months after ending the relationship, though for me it lessened continuously with each passing week. I couldn’t understand what I went through. I couldn’t find a way to believe it in order to settle the experience in my heart and mind. I went through a walking nightmare, and when things came to a head, I was left very very confused, and horribly afraid.

This is where a lot of survivors get stuck. There comes a time when you can’t possibly research the abuser, mental disorders, what could have been wrong with you, etc. any more. You have reached a stale-mate in your own psyche and heart. When the learning has been learned and the talking has been talked out, many times our hearts still aren’t settled. This is normal. The difference is how you choose to respond at that point, to the stale-mate. Many survivors get stuck in the mental spin, refusing to settle the issue to the best of their ability. Sometimes they aren’t able to stop, as it has gone on for so long that their minds have developed the habit of ruminating. It in itself becomes a trauma-bond, and addicting. When this happens, you are faced with a choice. Continue on, being stuck or fight to move on. This is why moderation is the key.

We need to allow ourselves the time to process the trauma and abuse. We do need to take whatever time is necessary to be able to move on. However, when this becomes a habit, it is near impossible to let go. In this case, some survivors continuously allow the abuse to continue, being affected still. The abuser is still in control, even though he or she has been out of your life for some time. No one wants that. No one wants to stay stuck in that place. It’s very hard to live through, and sometimes just as difficult to walk away from.

One day (hopefully sooner rather than later) you will realize that you are researching the same old crap, on a different day. You’ll realize that it’s an echo of the previous researching venture. You find yourself running into the same old wall. It hurts, every time. This is when you need to tell yourself, “it’s over”. You need to find the only bit of understanding there can be or is, “It just happened.” or “It just ‘is'”. Understanding this doesn’t mean that you’ll stop hurting over night, or that the effects of the abuse won’t linger, some. It just means you are ready to take another DECIDED step in the right direction.

Breathe deeply, with each step you take. If this post finds you in exactly this place, find peace in your heart, knowing you are recovering. Fight his voice in the meantime and center on EVERYTHING positive. Don’t let negative thoughts be so intrusive that you are unable to function. Don’t stop moving forward. When the right direction isn’t clear, then be determined to keep MOVING! As long as you continue to move toward healing and a healthier life, you won’t be stuck, and soon will be able to say “I am STRONG!”

 

Why I made it out after a little over one year


Today, while plugging along in my new duties at work, I kept thinking about a couple of things. This has been a topic of discussion, or reasonable mention, for a little while now. I wanted to address it, because I believe it’s important for others to understand, too: It’s the reasons I was able to see the Monster and his evil, slimy hide so early and as a result, was able to find the strength to leave.

The reasons were two-fold (quite possibly 3).

I learned some of the tactics he was using against me (and others) when I was very young, as a curious topic. I had an insatiable drive to learn whatever I could get my hands on, or what I thought sounded interesting. For whatever reason, I noticed several things that were pretty standard behaviors and reactions among people which are natural and universal (in normal humans who have a conscience and are strong empaths). I noticed them, saw what things, words and tones brought about certain reactions, and realized just how easy it would be to get someone to act the way you wanted them to, without the person realizing it. It was a curiosity for me, much like Astrology and personality traits. It was never something that was callous on my part, or something that I would EVER use in an evil or self-serving way. I’ve never used it against anyone. I just learned that type of manipulation was possible. It was the same with Brainwashing tactics. I learned it for no reason but to learn the facts behind it. This was one thing that allowed me to see the abuse and manipulation earlier. Both of these are part of Brainwashing, by the way.

English: A large chess game inside Enoch Pratt...
English: A large chess game inside Enoch Pratt Free Library in Baltimore, MD, USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In a video I saw recently, it compared the methods of this type of psychopath to a game of chess. Each piece on a chess board has a particular move. They never differ in those moves. The player can use each chess piece to manipulate their opponent into moving in a desired direction, setting them up for defeat. The pieces are people who the psychopath chooses to be pawns or blind patseys. These people are set up against the chosen prey, without realizing their role in the game, to guide the victim to act or react in a particular direction, which guides him/her to be defeated. They also use carefully placed lies, told with just the right “tone” to make it more believable. Much like the shepherd and his gentle prodding of his staff guiding sheep to slaughter. How many parallels can I come up with? It’s all gross manipulation at its worst. It’s gas-lighting, crazy making, sly talk with a slithering, forked tongue. It’s evil and dangerous, when you are dealing with a Psychopath who has no natural limits to what he/she is capable of. It’s cruel anyway, but especially in the hands of a Psychopath. This is what got my final attention.

When I met my X, he was only charming until we exchanged phone numbers, basically. He was only a gentleman for a very short time. Looking back, it seems like he was already rushing to get the “job” done with me. He wasted no time.  It was only a few weeks in, that he started dosing me with his crap. At first, it was to see how I would react. What made me tick. What would make me feel guilty and be easily swayed. It’s what made the rest of his tactics work as well as they did. He knew I didn’t trust my instincts, and that an angry tone would get me to cower or second-guess myself. He used this with great cunning and skill.

Most people aren’t placed in the same type of scenario. Their monsters (whether it be male or female psychopaths) were more patient with them and in implementation of the scheme of control and assimilation, I assume. The grooming stage was more slowly played, setting the victim feeling overwhelming euphoria just in his or her presence. It’s this stage that makes us believe everything GOOD about him or her.

For me, the grooming stage was intermittent with quick guided taunts and demeaning statements. It was mixed with quick bursts of anger and accusations, then when I would be upset by the shock, it wasn’t him at all that caused it. It was because of “past relationship issues” or what-not. This was within a matter of a couple of weeks. He would do nice things, and then within a few hours he would say something cruel or twist a scenario, words, or his perceptions in order to get me confused, and shaken. I was already guided into being afraid to contradict or question his actions. Instead, I silently stirred everything around in my mind, as I knew nothing he was trying to get me to believe was at ALL correct. However at the same time, I was battling in the same way, trying to convince myself that I was wrong about him. I wanted so bad to believe he was still the sweet gentleman that I met. He was horribly jealous. But not just jealous…absolutely paranoid to the point that he had to keep my entire household on edge. With each gas-lighting attempt, I would utter some nonsense statement to myself, in order to try to convince myself that the abuse didn’t just happen that way; that he didn’t just try to convince me of an obvious lie. While I had the good vs evil dialogue playing back and forth in my mind, I was gradually but incessantly becoming conditioned to act and react the way he directed. I was still aware of the anxiety, fear and confusion inside of me. I was aware where it was coming from and what caused it. You notice the pin wheel effect, here? That’s what my thought processes were, the entire time during that year. There was a battle going on, between my gut and my reasoning. I couldn’t shut off my intuition or fear. The more I ignored it, the more my body revolted against me.

When you continuously ignore those warnings that your body sends you, it begins to erupt in the form of illness, panic attacks, weight loss, and so many others. It’s better to listen when your body is trying to tell you something with intuition or fear. Me, I was affected by constant anxiety and fear. My weight dropped drastically to below 10o pounds, and never above 102. My normal weight is 120. I had a nervous breakdown right in front of him. Imagine the fun he had with THAT!

It was solely my curse of incessant introspection and extrospection that kept me thinking about what I was seeing, hearing and experiencing from the monster. I was constantly aware of my body’s reactions to what was said or done, including lies and set ups against me. I was completely aware when he would set someone up to believe a lie. I was aware when he did that to me. I was aware when he set up a scheme to be used at a later date. How he set it up, what was told to whom in order to make the job easier, and so on. I was ALWAYS aware. I just ignored, placated, second-guessed myself, and became the fargen jelly-fish for his sake. After I realized how bad he was for me, I was too afraid to walk away. I didn’t know what he would do if I did, so I stayed in that hell, trying to find the best “diplomatic” way to break up with him.

You see, There are 2 or 3 things that enabled me to see him for what he was/is, sooner. 1) The fact that I studied those very tactics so many years prior to my jaunt with the Psychopath, that after some time I recognized them. 2) Though he DID try to groom me to be more receptive to him, he was impatient and pushed the abuse too soon…I mean the more obvious abuse. 3) My curse or blessing of the art of introspection and extrospection. Self analysis.

With these, I was forced to end things as a matter of safety, finally. It was a final scheme he set me up for, that I caught him in and all at once, realized that he HAS NO LIMITS AS TO WHAT HE WAS CAPABLE OF. Just that knowledge made me realize how evil he really is, and how much danger I was in.

There was still a lot of damage done. It didn’t have to be that way, though. I was aware of the warnings my body was giving me, but didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t trust myself and instantly reasoned everything away. It didn’t silence my intuition or awareness of what he was causing to erupt in ME. I allowed for the abuse to continue. I created the perfect scenario for him to really get deep into my psyche and cause damage. Some areas are really bad. I may talk about that in a later post.

The effects he caused in just one year, are the same as those caused in a victim (now survivor) who had been a pathological relationship for many years. I say that because the symptoms I have and the battles, reaffirmation, purging and so on, are the same as other survivors who were in it longer. I am living it. I lived it. I know what is left of me. I am lucky that I was able to see him sooner and begin the healing process. He was good at his game, very thorough and conniving. His tactics and abilities are so fine-tuned, he can cut you apart while making you believe he’s giving you a massage.

I still consider myself lucky, in the grand scale, though not so much because of the damage left. The healing that I have seen so far, is also being brought about by my awareness and self-analysis. The same that was around during that year with the monster. I’m a thinker. I analyze. I come up with ideas of how-to, and attempt to put them into practice. So far, it’s worked for me for the most part. If it doesn’t, I breathe, change directions and try again.

I hope this has answered some questions you might be having.