When will things get back to “normal”?


Do you ever wonder when, or even IF life will get back to normal? I spent a few years wondering that same thing. Then I realized, “normal” is such a relative term. Emotional chaos and psychological upheaval, are both very real, when you get out of an abusive relationship. Just because he or she is out of your life, doesn’t mean it’s “over” completely. You’ll go through good days, when you are surprised how little you thought of the relationship. Other days you’ll fee like its only been hours since your world fell out from under you. The only advise I have for you on those days is, BREATHE! Take a deep breath…then another… get up and walk or call a friend. Get busy doing something. Be determined not to just breathe, but to live!!

Normal… Here’s my version of normal: Both of my kids are struggling and barely off the streets. I found a wonderful man over a year ago, who I married this past summer. His kids are only slightly more stable than my own kids. Both of our previous lives have been compiled into one major fucked up scenario. We, as well as our children, take turns with our fucked-up-ness and are no where near what the status quot would view as “normal”. All of our children feel safe with the two of us, and know they can turn to us when they need us. Financially, we’re like babies, trying to get things under control, though I can now say, “It’s a wonderful life.”

After my exodus, I day dreamed about what life would be like when I was my normal self, again. The thing is, I was forever changed because of what I lived through. I would never see that part of myself again. The part that I was comfortable with and who I thought I loved, I would never get back. It was that part of me, that I grieved for a very long time. It was also those parts I lost, that were also the reason(s) I was such an easy target. I don’t mourn those parts of me, anymore. I needed to change.

Normal for me, used to be emotional chaos even before the monster came into my life. I was always panicking when I thought someone was angry with me. I back-tracked over my words, relentlessly, to avoid any negativity from any person. I over-explained myself to the point that I looked like a child. A vulnerable child. I had no self-confidence, though I believed I had plenty. I trusted everyone, and put my own heart on the line, without a second thought. Normal… I was FAR from normal. But, that life was normal for me, regardless of how horrible it was. It was normal because it was what I was used to.

“Normal” has changed, so very much! Once upon a time, my counselor asked me what my personal morals were. I tried to answer her questions, but I was repeating my parent’s morals…I was repeating what society had taught me, throughout my life. She kept saying, “That’s THEIR morals, but what are YOUR’S?”. It took me this long to finally be able to answer the question. I feel like I’ve finally arrived! Ha! The thing is, once I was able to answer that question, I also realized that my personal morals would be what would also create my “normal” life. What I’m used to and am happy with, now.

Morals are not only what is acceptable in society. They are also what your own code of ethics, are. Normal to me, as well as what are my personal morals, is… Never lie to myself. Always be real and true to myself. (This sounds so self-centered). If I’m going to say or do it, I might as well stand behind it. That means; if it comes out of my mouth verbally or in action, I have to have the confidence to stand behind it. Don’t cower or backtrack. No excuses or lies, especially to myself.  This line of thinking and living, demands self-confidence, in order to follow through. If I have planned to accomplish something during my day off, but chose to procrastinate instead, I cannot make excuses. Making an excuse to someone else for my inaction, means I am lying to myself as well. If I procrastinated, I am honest about it, come-what-may, even if that means someone becomes angry at me, for it. I own it and most definitely earned it. That’s just an example. Society’s morals are in the mix, too. I still cling to and claim them.

The result of all of that is, I don’t live in fear of the unknown, anymore. I walk with it, now. I’m not afraid of anger so much, anymore. I’m still learning and growing, but I’m very satisfied with who I am as a person, now. I am finally living my “normal”, in all it’s failings and frailties. I can breathe deep, knowing that, though the life I’m in isn’t real stable, the life I AM, is…

What a wonderful awakening 🙂

 

 

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Just say “no”


This is about learning how to “be”. It’s a lesson that some already know, but I’m guessing there are so many others just like me, who struggle with this very thing.

Part of being targeted, or “targetable” is; lacking self-confidence. The very fact that those of us who lack self-confidence make it very visible to everyone around us, is exactly what causes predators to “take notice”. It makes us appear as a fun game for predators. It’s fun for them to torment, shock, hurt and abuse us. Part of the reason we are so obvious to them, is that we are completely unable to just say, “yes” or “no”.

I’ll explain a little…

This is another one of “those” posts, which requires you to place yourself back into a memory, in order to answer the question. Not to worry, It won’t be too painful (I hope). Can you remember any time in recent memory, or distant, that someone asked you if you want to do something? In my past, sometimes I would say “yes”, even though I wanted to say “no”. Those times I actually said, “No, thank you”, I immediately followed with an exuberant explanation, telling them all of the reasons why my “no” was reasonable. It took me a long time to realize that all I was doing was making my low self-esteem and lack of confidence very, VERY obvious. I realized that I caused some people to lose respect for me, just in that small explanation. I appeared weak and unsure of myself. I caused some people to view me as if I was still a child.

Remember, I glean a lot of understanding by being aware of my own emotions, or reactions to certain situations. I also understand that some of my reactions, mirror others’ reactions. It’s just being human. I realized when someone over-explained themselves to me, how I naturally, internally felt. I realized one day, that I viewed them as if they were a young child, at that point. It wasn’t intentional, at all. It was just a natural occurrence that I became aware of. I think it causes(d) others to feel the same way, when I would “over-explain” myself to others.

That being said… My friend of so many years, asked me, “Why do you have to explain?”. It took quite a while, but she eventually got to me. I asked myself the same question. “Why DO I have to explain myself?”

Over explaining the why’s behind your decisions, chosen actions, etc. stems from many possible triggers. Most of those are completely fear-based. My personal reason stemmed from a long-time fear of anger or of upsetting someone. If I didn’t do what he/she asked, or answered in just “the right way”, that person might become angry or think less of me. In order to avoid the negativity, I would explain myself until I felt they understood, and everything would be “ok”. Now, I realize that in explaining myself, that person probably did think less of me. Not of me as an individual, but probably lost some confidence “in” me. It’s hard to explain… moving on…

Something else to consider about over-explaining ourselves to others: When we over explain, we also divulge information that isn’t privy to EVERYONE’S ears!! In order to help someone understand our why’s and why-not’s, we try to show them how empathetic we are, and hope that they will be empathetic as well. We share information that makes us appear weaker, to soften their potential anger, or discontent with us. You might have other triggers which drive you to over-explain… Try to place yourself in the shoes of the listener. How would it make you feel if you were that person, listening? Uncomfortable? Full of pity? Disgust? Less respect for the one doing the explaining? No shame, here… Read on..

Giving someone an explanation for your chosen direction or what-have-you, is sometimes necessary…but you don’t have to explain yourself! If someone misunderstands your decision, you might have to reassure them, or explain your choices in order to salvage or further cultivate a friendship. If your boss tells you, “Explain yourself!” Trust me…it’s in your best interest to give an explanation 🙂

With every realization I’ve had in the last few years, learning to put them into practice does take some brave steps into the “unknown”. When I realized just what I was doing when I chose to explain myself, at all times, it was a rude awakening. It’s not healthy to explain ourselves to everyone, for every reason. It further hampers our self-confidence, and keeps us stuck in place. Step one: Just say “no” or “no thank you, would a different day work for you?”… or even “Yes”.

Have you ever experienced a time when someone wanted clarification? “I heard a rumor, is ‘this’ true?” Again, don’t explain but don’t lie either. If it’s true, just say “yes”. Most often, a short answer is good enough, and the other person doesn’t want or need any more information. They are satisfied with the outcome, as you should be, too.

If someone asks me, now, “Would you like to get some coffee later?” I let my yes be yes, and no mean no. If I like the person and the problem with getting together for coffee is time, I offer an alternate date or time. If it’s due to dealing with personal problems, I still offer no explanation but suggest a different time or day. My personal issues are no-one’s business, unless I choose to make it their business.. No apologies needed… 🙂 If it’s someone I would rather not get chummy with, I just say, “No, thank you anyway.” No further explanation is needed. I have become more confident in myself, as it pertains to interactions with other people. Sometimes I fall back into old habits, because it’s hard to change life-long habits, without slipping once in a while. When you realize it, you’ll correct it and become stronger by the day.

I’ll post this as it stands. If you need clarification, I’ll be happy to help!

Each day brings growth and healing. Healthier choices and lives to follow.

 

Post traumatic stress and ruminating.


I’m not any kind of any sort of psychological professional. I talk about what I’ve lived through and learned because of it. I am not a full-blown scholar with copious amounts of Masters Degrees or a PHDs. I’m just me, talking to you about myself, hoping my experiences will teach you to avoid certain aspects of life. I’m your proverbial mother hen.

It seems that the published community, whether that be of lay-persons or professionals, have just as much trouble defining Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), as they do Sociopath and Psychopath. In the case of this post, I will center on PTSD, which is the chronic form of Post traumatic stress. It’s what lasts for many months or years, without the help of a professional. I will list the article which defines the difference when find it. Yes, giving credit is due, here, but it’s the definitions I’m interested in sharing with you at this point in time.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Is the Chronic form of Post traumatic stress which does not end relatively quickly and may require more intricate help from a psychologist or psychiatrist to find relief. Anti anxiety medications may be needed.  When the effects of trauma last for many months and even years, without evident lessening of severity, it becomes a full-blown disorder. Ruminating is very present, in both acute and chronic PTSD.

Rumination as with PTSD: This is a paraphrase of what I’ve learned and read.. Rumination is very present in PTSD, though it’s not generally understood if this practice is healthy or contributory to PTSD trauma felt, which only adds to the severity of PTSD. I for one believe it can be healthy if it doesn’t become habitual. If a person habitually ruminates in the acute stage of Post-traumatic Stress, it can develop into full-blown PTSD, if not dropped asap. I will explain more in the comment section if you need some clarification.

I’m a firm believer that there are many things that are beneficial to our health and well-being if done or eaten in moderation. That includes ruminating. The key here is in MODERATION.

Rumination can be beneficial to trauma survivors as a coping mechanism. A few years ago, I didn’t know what this looked like in survivors of acute Post-traumatic Stress. Last year I talked to a young woman who had just returned from fighting in Afghanistan. Since I was currently in the same place, I realized I was watching myself in her. She was wild-eyed, talking in earnest about her experiences and what she learned while there. Her experiences were fresh and raw in her mind. She looked and sounded crazy, though I knew she wasn’t. My boss got mad at me for taking time with her, but I knew she needed to vent and have someone listen to her. I gave her a caring ear. She needed someone to listen, and chose me at that point in time. I don’t even know her name.

Ruminating takes on a couple different forms: Mentally stewing over every fact, tear, action and reaction surrounding the trauma or talking about the experience, repeating every word and sentence many times, and every time the survivor tries to speak. Generally, if you aren’t talking about the abuse or trauma, you are incessantly thinking about it. This was me when I first got out of a very real type of hell, with a psychopath. This was me, especially for the first few months after ending the relationship, though for me it lessened continuously with each passing week. I couldn’t understand what I went through. I couldn’t find a way to believe it in order to settle the experience in my heart and mind. I went through a walking nightmare, and when things came to a head, I was left very very confused, and horribly afraid.

This is where a lot of survivors get stuck. There comes a time when you can’t possibly research the abuser, mental disorders, what could have been wrong with you, etc. any more. You have reached a stale-mate in your own psyche and heart. When the learning has been learned and the talking has been talked out, many times our hearts still aren’t settled. This is normal. The difference is how you choose to respond at that point, to the stale-mate. Many survivors get stuck in the mental spin, refusing to settle the issue to the best of their ability. Sometimes they aren’t able to stop, as it has gone on for so long that their minds have developed the habit of ruminating. It in itself becomes a trauma-bond, and addicting. When this happens, you are faced with a choice. Continue on, being stuck or fight to move on. This is why moderation is the key.

We need to allow ourselves the time to process the trauma and abuse. We do need to take whatever time is necessary to be able to move on. However, when this becomes a habit, it is near impossible to let go. In this case, some survivors continuously allow the abuse to continue, being affected still. The abuser is still in control, even though he or she has been out of your life for some time. No one wants that. No one wants to stay stuck in that place. It’s very hard to live through, and sometimes just as difficult to walk away from.

One day (hopefully sooner rather than later) you will realize that you are researching the same old crap, on a different day. You’ll realize that it’s an echo of the previous researching venture. You find yourself running into the same old wall. It hurts, every time. This is when you need to tell yourself, “it’s over”. You need to find the only bit of understanding there can be or is, “It just happened.” or “It just ‘is'”. Understanding this doesn’t mean that you’ll stop hurting over night, or that the effects of the abuse won’t linger, some. It just means you are ready to take another DECIDED step in the right direction.

Breathe deeply, with each step you take. If this post finds you in exactly this place, find peace in your heart, knowing you are recovering. Fight his voice in the meantime and center on EVERYTHING positive. Don’t let negative thoughts be so intrusive that you are unable to function. Don’t stop moving forward. When the right direction isn’t clear, then be determined to keep MOVING! As long as you continue to move toward healing and a healthier life, you won’t be stuck, and soon will be able to say “I am STRONG!”

 

Most steps are unsure, but it’s necessary to take those steps anyway!


In the beginning of the end of my toxic relationship with my X-monster, I can’t say things were pleasant, easy or anything of the sort. There was nothing easy at all. The easy thing, however, would have been to allow myself to be defeated by the emotional/psychological rape and minefield I had been subjected to. I couldn’t stand the idea that, with every painful echo of his voice left in my thoughts and memories, he would be allowed to win this battle. He set out to create a moldable glob. One that he could manipulate into being. One that he could pressure into silence for the duration of whatever life I would have left. I couldn’t stand the thought that in getting into the relationship, I willingly went to war. The war was over my own psychological health and being. I couldn’t stand the idea, after fighting so hard to get away in the end, that he could ultimately win.

I wouldn’t and could most definitely NEVER allow him to win. For the sake of all that is or ever was, good.

I’ve mentioned before, how, after initially getting away from the monster, I was hit with daily anxiety attacks for about 2 weeks after. I want to stop and make known that in the middle of several of these episodes, I DID try to call in to work and try to get the day off. Things were so excruciating for me in the beginning that it was VERY difficult to just leave my own home. I was scared, pure and simple. Even though I didn’t initiate this step myself, it became the first step toward later and greater healing. My boss said simply, “No, we really need you to come in.” This was his common response each time I tried to cry “uncle” in those days that were pure hell for me. I was forced to leave my home and go to work. I didn’t want to go. I got angry at his supposed callousness toward my plight. I was angry at him, but I still went to work. I didn’t want others to suffer for my absence. I couldn’t afford the time off financially, either. I sheepishly opened my door, walked to the carport, checked for any sign of my X lurking around, then RAN to my car! I have recently called my boss to thank him for that. He didn’t know it, but he was instrumental in the beginning stages of my recovery, and may have well saved my life. He didn’t know how to respond, but  said, “thank you..”. He must have thought I was off my rocker. I don’t care. I appreciated that in his refusal to give me the day off, he actually DID help me in the biggest way.

1) in the beginning of healing from a toxic relationship, it is MOST IMPERATTIVE for you to MOVE! I don’t mean to move from your home, but refuse to allow yourself to be a prisoner to the hell that is from mental and emotional purging. That’s what I attributed the anxiety attacks to. I was in an ever-increasing state of severe anxiety, at the hands of my psychopathic X. When I was finally free, that overload had to go SOMEWHERE. It was natural for it to come out in some way. It had to. Pick up your normal, daily routine IMMEDIATELY, regardless how you feel. Move your feet, especially when it seems impossible. It’ll give you strength for the rest of your healing recovery.

I realize that even though things seem as though it has been easy for me to move forward, I can assure you, nothing has been easy or simple. The only thing has been at all easy is, DECIDING NOT TO BE STUCK. All I knew is, I didn’t want to hang onto anything left from that POS. That included lingering lack of confidence, fear, being unsure and scared of my surroundings, etc. I recognized the areas that were important to me, were a favorite choice of attack for him. I refused to let him win. I wanted things back. I wanted ME back…everything that made me, me, that he tried to destroy. I set out to reaffirm who I am, and the areas that meant so much to me as an individual. Keep in mind that this part of the process has taken pretty much the entire past year to get to this point. Everything I would do, was out of necessity for survival and to contradict every area my X tried to infiltrate. If he tried to shock me out of confidence in any particular area (such as singing for instance), I was determined to take it back, in whatever means I could. If he said, “You suck at “—” “, I would purposefully fight against it by acting in direct opposition to that conditioning. That’s pretty much the avenue that’s been taken through out this process. I would see his face and hear his voice in every “I can’t” statement that would hit me, or the, “I’m scared” statements, and decide to do the exact opposite. I was still afraid, but I couldn’t let him win…EVER. I took back as much confidence as I could. There are areas that I haven’t found out how to conquer yet, but as my life over this past year and 1/2 has proved to me… each victory truly HAS showed with each first uncertain step.

There has never been any “self-help” books for me, or “How to” articles. All I had to go on has been the support of other bloggers that I’ve met in this blogosphere, which I don’t mean to negate in the LEAST! Without your support and strength, I wouldn’t be doing near this well. I also had the putrid taste in my mouth left from that puke’s psycho-babble, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I recognized that the entire relationship, including every tiny bit of ammo he tried to use against me from the beginning, was nothing but falsities and absolute LIES. I wanted no part of anything left after I got away from him.

After my thinking shifted from him and the relationship, to me and what about me needed to change so I don’t have any sort of repeat ever again in my life, I started doing some serious soul-searching. I had a few talks with my Mom during this, which helped me to gain a better understanding as to WHO I am, and how I came to have some of the issues I’ve had throughout my life. Each one of these things that have transpired, has worked together to bring me to this place, now.

There isn’t one thing that I’ve tried with confidence, other than the fact that I needed to do “something”. In regards to boundaries, it was sort of by accident that I formed a game plan. I haven’t “arrived” there, of course, in that I am nowhere near completely and 100% confident and comfortable in every situation. Not in the least, really, though this is getting better. With more practice, I know this will continue to grow and thrive. I recognized the fact that the boundaries I had that WERE solid, were shaky in the aftermath of the pathological, toxic relationship. I had to reaffirm those boundaries, first. But everything had been shaken. EVERYTHING! I only recognized the need…not the “how’s”. Step one… learn to recognize and accept when your intuition is trying to get your attention. Learn to act accordingly. Let “no” be the #1 word you say in such an instance. It may be easier to walk away from the situation or person entirely, until you are stronger in that area. I just “started” doing this. It was the direction that seemed the most obvious. It was easy to recognize that it was HIGH time that I believed my own intuition. It’s easy to say that, I believe, after getting out of a relationship with a Narc or Psychopath. Intuition is important, necessary and 100% unequivocally, absolutely CORRECT…absolutely EVERY time! This fact has finally been beaten into my otherwise once senseless head! Ok, I finally get it and accept it. It’s easy to accept when so many areas are still raw and painful.

Start allowing yourself to “see” the difficult facts about yourself, which caught his attention in the first place, and then enabled the abuse to continue. You are NOT a bad person, nor is any of the abuse YOUR FAULT!!! Please believe that. However, that said, there are personality characteristics that are attractive to the psychopath, sociopath and/or narcissist. High levels of empathy and caring, exist in the target. If a person has ever been abused as a child, this is something that is most often visible to the predator. It means that the intended target might have some self-esteem issues (just an example) and are an easy meal. The target doesn’t need to tell the psychopath about her abusive past. He already knows by watching and taking mental note. Again, this is NOT your fault! YOU ARE NOT BAD!! However, it is in the weakened areas within us, that enabled the abuse to start, but most of all to CONTINUE! It’s why we didn’t get out sooner. It’s why he was able to manipulate and redirect our thinking for a time. It’s why we isolated ourselves from friends and family. it’s why we willingly lived in fear. Why would we do that??

This is another step that started with being unsure of which direction and step to take. I recognized my previous inability to believe my own intuition…as if I actually knew better… yeah right! My past can attest to how wrong my thinking has been throughout my life, until now. What makes it so hard to stand up for ourselves? Fear of negative emotion? Do we believe that our existence is actually for the guys in the world? Are we REALLY meant to be and remain as, tools?

Each one of us has a different story to tell, as to why we would allow for such atrocities in our lives. There are many reasons. Repeated invalidation while growing up. Previous physical, mental, emotional or even sexual abuse by others..maybe by family member, preacher, childcare provider…what was your Achilles heel? I believe I can safely say, NONE OF US…NOT ONE…HAS EVER WANTED TO ENDURE ANY ABUSE FROM ANYONE! None of us wanted the abuse. We didn’t go into the relationship, thinking, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he manipulated me into relaxing my boundaries enough that he could keep me silent around others?” Of course we didn’t. However, in our actions and refusal to stand up for ourselves, the Psychopath actually treats us as if we “asked” for him to be abusive. In our inaction, we invalidated our need to be treated as wonderful loving people, and instead we validated HIS need to CONTROL AND ABUSE US! How do we break this?

Quietly, at first, if it’s necessary to teach ourselves. The important things is in the action. it’s in recognizing our own need for boundaries, holding fast to them..and expecting others to respect them as well. If someone is being disrespectful of our boundaries, it’ll spark some “red-flag” moments. Learn to recognize these times, and DON’T HESITATE to react. It doesn’t mean to be mean to someone. It does mean, however, that you express in some way, your displeasure. You re-emphasize that particular boundary and demand that it be honored. If that person refuses, then walk away from them. They aren’t worth your time. You don’t have to appologize or leave an explaination for your departure. It’s in your departure that they will understand. They already know they were being an ass. You don’t have to tell them. Each time, you will become stronger and more self-assured.

This is the place I’m in now, but with some wonderful twists showing along the way.

Succeeding in the recovery/healing process is, quite litterally, a step away. With each action there is an equal and opposite REACTION. If you start moving forward (whatever direction that might be for you), recovery will meet you in the middle. Every step, every motion, every necessary progression. Recovery and healing will come…and keep coming…even if you don’t know “how” to accomplish “something”. All you need to do is do “something” that is moving progressively forward. You will find your way through.

This is a long process, but as long as we NEVER stop, or call defeat, we will make it.

I’m stronger than I was yesterday. I’m most definitely stronger than I was a year ago! I’m glad for guiding hands…where ever they are. I see the evidence…

When should you ignore red flags, and when should you pay attention to them


We could all recite the aftermath’s thoughts within us, as if they were from a collective script: “Why did I ignore that when I felt uncomfortable?”, “Why did I decide to give him another chance?”, “I knew this is how things would turn out, because I noticed…. earlier.”, “I wish I’d heeded the warning pangs..”. And the all too familiar, “I wish I’d listened to my gut”.

Sound familiar?

A wonderful friend of mine who is a few years younger, though more wise and able to see things clearly in my own life, is one I chose to talk to about some “red-flags” I was noticing. I described them to her in detail, the reasons behind them, etc.

I know my natural inclination to ‘give things more time’ and ‘give him a chance to change’ and so on. This mind-set has NEVER EVER served me well. In fact, it’s at the root (or center) of every abusive relationship I have ever had. I didn’t trust my gut reactions to a person’s behavior or treatment of me, directly. In other relationships I’ve had, I chose to speak up after I was sure of what I was feeling or noticing, then gave that person time to fix it, which never worked in my best interests…EVER! This is exactly what my friend advised that I should do. I was surprised. She has been severely abused throughout her life. A sociopath as a dad, several abusive relationships, and her chosen response has been to NEVER allow someone to victimize her again. She’ll call a spade a spade, and since she’s 6ft tall, she can scare the gonads off of any man. It works for her. But, what she has suggested of me is to resort to that same “give it more time” bull-shit that has only insured the furthering of mistreatment and even abuse. Instead of recognizing what I’m seeing, she is only seeing “mutual friend” and “That doesn’t sound like him”.

It’s difficult to acknowledge shortcomings in someone you respect and admire. I understand that. However, this one floored me. She was telling me to fall back into the old familiar pattern of “ignore” and “devaluation” of much needed red-flags, when they become apparent. She knows what that pattern leads to, as much if not more than I. At the very least it will perpetuate a very bad ‘match’ only prolonging something that is inherently BAD all the way around. In the end I would wind up losing a friend. If it was regarding anyone else, her response would be, “those red-flags are there for a reason! Trust your gut, it’ll never lead you wrong”. I know this, because she’s said it to me in the past. She and I have been friends for well over 13 years. Now she thinks I need to ignore my gut? I think NOT! This time, though I do value her input and advise more often than not, I choose to ignore her ‘wisdom’. I’m the only one who will protect me in the end. She’ll get over it.

I do believe, however, that humans aren’t always correct in our perceptions. In this case, when a red-flag pops up in an established good relationship for instance, it would be in the best interest of that relationship to give things more time, I believe. If you are that close with someone, you will be able to talk about the hard things with them. It might be that they aren’t aware of the changes that have cropped up and the very thought of hurting you will shock them into stopping whatever behavior has become the problem. This is reserved for already ESTABLISHED relationships, friendships, etc. However, if that person has become physically abusive…GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! Once a person has crossed the line of hitting a woman, it will be difficult if not impossible for them to refrain in the future. Your well being is at stake in this case. As well as could be your LIFE! No matter how much time etc. that you have invested, get out!

If, for instance, you are on a first (or second or 3rd or … ) date and you see some behaviors that seem extra callous emanating from your date, or actions that would translate to them being entirely self-centered and selfish, you would be stupid to ignore it. Most men and women put their very best foot forward when pursuing a relationship..especially in the early days. Only after things get comfortable and you have been dating for a while, do the real things and behaviors show. If you have only been seeing eachother for a few weeks? Hello, dahlin…this IS his BEST!

Imagine time passing with the same individual. Since the selfish behaviors, (ie: making fun of you in public, for a laugh; expecting you to drive everywhere to meet him for what-have-you, or anything else you can think of) are already his BEST foot forward, where do you see things going down the road? If he’s already inconsiderate toward you, multiply that by 10 and you’ll get a good idea what to expect later on. If he makes fun of you to someone neither of you know… this is also his best foot forward. What will happen 1 or 2 years down the road? If you choose to stick it out with this person because you think you are ‘wrong’, you’ll get a rude awakening some day. You’ll repeat the same mental monologue we are all too familiar with;

“Why didn’t I listen…?”

 

Wow!!


This dialog that I’m posting is an example of when you ‘step back’ in a situation, and can see the whole picture. We had already broken up, yet he was still trying to keep me trapped. After all, it worked so well in the past. I continued to talk to him for a time. He had my daughter’s things in his garage. He offered, as a way to show her how he was  the ‘good’ guy (before that, he had nothing good to say about her, and tried to keep my daughter and I apart). In the end, it was the only thing that was keeping us tied, even remotely. I continued to placate him, trying to find some way to diplomatically get rid of him. I had my job to think about, etc. In the end, the best option was to RUNNNN!!! And I did.

Prior to this point, I made a decision to stop listening to his crap. I stayed away for over a month…though he kept finding reasons to come around my place. I would come up with excuses as to why I couldn’t be there with him, or why I couldn’t spend time with him. It was all in the attempt to separate myself emotionally from him. I knew that was the only way I could get away, in the end. I was able to pay attention, more, once I stayed away more. I was able to recognize the manipulation and blatant brainwashing attempts, and I also was reminded that I held the cards, while talking to him on the phone. For all of you…you have the tools…HANG UP every time he tries his shit. I did. I also walked away, turned my back, refused to talk, refused any time…refused to listen or accept anything from him any longer. Is your monster still buying you things? Even car parts that you may or may not need?? It’s more ammo for him to use against you. DON’T ALLOW IT ANY LONGER!! Not even a candy bar!!!

I had no idea how much I knew, even before I ran from him. We had been broken up for a month and a half, at this point. Only a week later, did I realize just HOW dangerous he really was… this is a REAL dialog, saved in my emails. Names have been changed to keep from ‘public defamation of “character”, though we know he has no REAL character…only what he needs to APPEAR however he needs to at any given time.

It’s amazing how much you can see, when you step outside the pile… Even before ridding yourself completely of the psychopath…

I resent the original to him, here:

“Wow, did you even read that email? That’s not at all what was said. I’ll include it here:

“Ok…you want me to respond, I’ll respond…

When I voice my opinion (which isn’t my opinion, it’s generally how you make me feel), I don’t ridicule, judge or slam (intentionally). When you voice you’re “opinion”, it’s judgments, ridicule, and absolute attempts at manipulation. How am I doing? Feeling more like myself every day, thank you. Who is living in denial? The one who thinks going back to everything above will make it all “better” for me…when in all actuality, the only one who will benefit would be YOU. You think that the first thing that goes, which is the beginning of the absolute “end”, is intimacy. You couldn’t be more wrong, here. The first thing that goes is usually when the woman no longer feels secure in the relationship. This is usually the result of endless cruel taunts, and judgmental statements (other tactics are used too), intended to make the woman feel “less than”. Then goes the intimacy. I haven’t felt secure for months, with you. More than that, I’ve felt and been THREATENED! Each time I’ve opened my mouth to you, has given you more options
to use for ammo at a later (or sometimes, sooner) date. Want examples?? Think back to EVERYTHING you decided to say to me tonight, while we were sitting on the steps (I suppose you don’t remember). The lack of intimacy is causing more harm for me? Sounds like another vain manipulative technique to me, in order to convince me that having sex with you will make it “all better” for “me”, (aka: YOU). The end result? You can get “off” while maintaining your supposed integrity. Me? I’ll just be a tool for you. There are many things I can say to that one, as well as every other thing you said to me tonight. You’re pissed?? I couldn’t imagine why… I didn’t do anything to piss you OFF!! Except that I said “good-night”. I was as cordial as I could be in telling you I had heard enough. Though I suppose I really pissed you off, now. C’est la vie. Tie up loose ends? Again, C’est la vie. I don’t want, nor do I expect or need an apology from you. Tired of hearing them, to be perfectly honest. They have been half-hearted, blow-hard attempts at easing the situation, or offering a temporary pacifier for me. . You care? Naw…you’re just looking for another angle…

I see you..”

Sex has been your MAIN subject for being manipulative, as of late. Though it hasn’t been your only manipulative angle. I’ve asked myself why you’ve REALLY been in this, several times over the past year. It isn’t just for the sex, which couldn’t be more obvious. It isn’t because you love me (you’re words toward me have shown more contempt over the last year than LOVE). Sometimes the obvious only alludes me because I don’t want to believe it…I’m an easy target. You view women as an object/entity that deserves to be put down and controlled. Destroying a woman’s self-worth, is the best/easiest way to achieve this…but you already knew that, didn’t you? You chose me, not only because you thought I was pretty (Who wants something that isn’t nice looking?), but because you thought the job would be an easy one. I was “obviously hurt”, as you put it. The “easy job/target” usually comes pre-bruised, with a damaged psyche and heart. You just stepped into someone-else’s foot prints, and decided to try to finish the job. Women aren’t to be partners with. They are to be kept under the thumb, and made to understand their true PLACE in the relationship. Isn’t that right,? You stayed in this, because you didn’t want to start over with someone else. After all, you had already put so much time and hard work into what you presumed to be your final masterpiece.

You’re shallow enough to go out for nothing but sex. You’re also arrogant and shallow enough to think that is the only thing that should be needed to keep your “dream woman”. Buying her everything, to you, is just added insurance that she won’t leave you. You forget, you aren’t the only carp. You also aren’t the only man who has ever tried this. Unfortunately, I’m also not the only woman to have ever been targeted. I’ve been an easy target for you. That, I’m ashamed of. It was loud and clear from the beginning but I believed you loved me, also. I believed you’re whole goal wasn’t to hurt me and mold me into your “perfect woman” image… I hate being wrong, but hate being RIGHT even more.”

 (The end of our conversation on the steps was when he informed me that all of the ridicule, judgmental statements, and out-right calling me ‘crazy’, was what I “needed”. after all he was “helping me”…I told him good night, turned away from him and left him standing there…)

This was literally DAYS before I went to management…filing a restraining order…catching him in a scheme to catch me in what he presumed was a lie, just before discovering that he was STILL stalking my home in the middle of the night.

I went through this with absolutely NO plan, other than understanding that I was emotionally and psychologically trapped. I understood that in order to get away, I would have to sever the emotional side. I picked several fights, before this, trying to get HIM to break up with me. It was what I wanted. It didn’t work. This was the only other option that I could see (separating myself emotionally by spending less and less time with him, talking on the phone, etc.) When we spent time together, it was MY call, in MY home and on MY OWN terms, free to end it as I saw the need. It’s amazing how the veil came off as a result.

Maybe you can relate to this, or find some ideas for you OWN situation if you are still struggling with being free from your psych/narc.

For those of you, fresh out of a psychologically abusive relationship


The beginning stages of healing, after getting out of a relationship with a “cluster-B” (as I have recently learned about..which includes narcissists, psych/sociopaths, etc)…I won’t lie to you and tell you its “easy” or “a short battle” because, frankly, it’s pure hell. In fact, it’s every bit as excruciating, for a time, as the hell you just got out of. The difference is, it’s the pain of processing, moving forward and HEALING. JUST DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF, DURING THIS PROCESS!!!

When I escaped my Monster, I had a few driving facts echoing around me and inside of me, which really HAS helped me to keep the drive to keep fighting through the torment left by my X:

  • Freedom!!! I compared my life that year, to my idea of the proverbial, biblical account of a place called “hell”. A place where the ungodly go. Eternal punishment, damnation, etc. etc. Hell didn’t sound so bad, after I left him. The constant thought (and I was elated!!!) I had was, I lived through REAL hell, REAL torment, REAL EVIL, fought to be free and WON! Every bad experience I could ever go through, or had ever gone through, paled in comparison!! I looked into the eyes of evil, and lived. I walked (ran) away, gaining my freedom, which I lost for a little over a year. The sun never looked so beautiful. The smells and sounds around me became their own music. I couldn’t imagine heaven being much better than this! you are free!!! Accept this for yourself, breath it, live it, love every minute from this point forward!
  • Recognize that the thoughts in your mind, especially in the early days, are not YOUR OWN! Don’t let yourself forget how he tormented you, drilling into your mind EVERY belittling word…calling you ‘delusional’, ‘juvenile’, ‘stupid’, or even trying to convince you that everything was your fault for what ever reason. recognize that these aren’t YOUR thoughts…DON’T CARRY THEM! They are carefully placed, drilled and conditioned to be a PART of his CALCULATED attempts to control everything about you, who you are, your thoughts and actions. It was a sick game of his, wasn’t it? 
  • Once you have recognized what are actually HIS lies, mulling around in your psyche…take steps to silence them…SILENCE HIM…for good. Find something positive…anything…to replace those thoughts with. With practice, it will become easier, I assure you! I found positive affirmations helped with this. With time, you will be surprised at how seldom you are hearing his voice. You’ll notice changes and improvements in days.
  • Read, read, read…learn, learn, learn: Don’t fear your questions of “how”, or “why”…or even “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??” If you get an “I wonder…” research the subject. Understanding what you have been through, and what exactly you had DEALT with…the name of the Monster, etc. to the best of your ability, really IS recommended. You might feel like you’ve become obsessed. In a way, that’s true…so was I. But (through reading) I learned that it’s called the “understanding” phase. You aren’t the only one who has ever been in this spot! Read, and learn…it’ll give you some peace to understand as much as you can. Don’t get discouraged if it isn’t completely settled inside of you. You have been through absolute hell, with someone who’s sick, twistedness is such that you could NEVER have dreamed of or imagined in you worst nightmares. You won’t be able to completely understand everything you have been through, but soon  you will be ok with it. 
  • Seek support: I was still alone in everything when I escaped. I thought and knew I sounded crazy when I went to co-workers for help. All they heard from me was a whole lot of information, mixed with begging. Information that no one can possibly fathom, unless they have been through it themselves. In the attempt to ask for help, I inadvertently affirmed everything my X was telling them… They believe(d) that I really WAS/am crazy! One of the best things I could have done is begin my blog. The fact that you are reading this, means you are on the right road!!!
The final thing you need to accept for yourself, and you WILL realize while researching is…and this truly is the most important part…
you are not alone anymore
you are not alone anymore
Should I repeat that for you??

you are not alone anymore!!!!!

You have made it this far!! You are STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE…

I am here for you, as is everyone else here.

It gets easier, i PROMISE you 😀

These days…”X” vs: ‘ex’


First off, I have to re-iterate one particular fact, as it stands. I am not a psychologist, or any sort of a professional (other than being a smart-ass) anything. Most of my posts have been about personal experience, trying to make sense, come to grips, find camaraderie with other victims of Narcs and Psychopaths in order to heal and in turn, help others.

As the stages I am experiencing, develop, evolve and surprise me, I find that I’m (as I have been since before coming to the conclusion that the monster I experienced, was and is a Psychopath) learning as much as I’m expressing, here. My overwhelming drive to understand, has evolved to a more professional approach. This could be a stage, in and of itself.

I view it as an indicator that I’m beginning to reach the point of being able to accept the ‘Monster’, as well as the damage he’s caused…maybe almost to the point of apathy (as it pertains to myself and my own pain). I’m able to breathe again, and experience peace. I still don’t view him as Human, in any shape or form…more like a changeling of sorts. I view him as an “X“…not an “ex”. I’ll explain the difference as I see it. This is my own idea, and it definitely fits right now. Something I have been aware of, though I didn’t completely understand why, is that I have unwaveringly described my past-monster as my “X”, instead of an “ex”. I realize that “ex” is the more recognized, appropriate choice of verbage in a grammatical sense. I haven’t been able to adhere to that rule. The question remained, “why?”. I have spent the past few days picking that one apart.

The “ex”: A human-being who, though is a past part of your life, a person still clings to a connection with that person of sorts. It’s someone that you don’t mind clinging to the memories, though however painful they might be. A person still recognizes the “ex’s” part in his/her life (bear with me…this is me, trying to sort out the feelings I have with each term), while still trying to adhere to the generalized view that the monster is still ‘Human‘.

The “X”: An individual who is viewed as completely reprehensible, devoid of anything “human” other than the carbon-based, chromosomes that link him/her to the genus of “Homo-Sapiens“. The “X” is an individual who you want to forget. Someone who you refuse any connection with, at all. One who you are determined to “X” out of your life…past, present and future. He’s not worth the agony of still trying to see the ‘human’ inside of him. That “ human” is completely devoid of anything linking him/her of that wonderful place in society.

I realize that I’m VERY BITTER, still. It’s my goal to drop any bitterness, as I realize that still gives him power over my every day life. Anything resembling a link with him MUST BE ERADICATED!

I cannot erase what has happened, nor who has caused the damage. Though, I wish I could. Completely erase him from existence. Erase the confusion and triggers that are left. Erase the past year and push the “do-over” button. As fact has it, I still have to work through everything, in order to find a semblance of normalcy again. Day by day, it’s happening. I’m grateful for that.

There are areas that remain a trigger, which will keep me frozen in time. One is the word “relationship” or “boyfriend”. Another is just seeing a car that is the same make and model as my “X’s” car. Seeing just the same color on another car, is a small trigger.

Day by day, I’m getting a bit tougher. A little bit stronger.

Thanks for being here..

My theory based on a blog by ‘openpachute.wordpress.com’…


I received notice of a new blog entry by http://openparachute.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/moral-behavior-in-animals/. First, I recommend that you all visit this blog. It’s very insightful and informative. this particular entry is really neat. In it is a video about the study of primates and others in the animal kingdom, to see if they exhibit a level of morality, determined by their displays of empathy, fairness, compassion, etc. The video is great! you will definitely laugh. It’s done very well and is very cleverly done.

During the ‘yawning‘ study, it sparked a thought for me (as does everything else on the planet)…Franz DeWaal mentions that the fact of yawning being contagious, is actually due to empathy. the response of seeing another yawn, which causes us to yawn, activates the same areas of the brain as does empathy. I wonder if we were to test someone who exhibits traits of Narcissism or Psychopathy (or ASPD) with the ‘yawn’ test, will they in turn, feel the need to yawn too? Or will they, since they obviously lack human traits as a whole, fail to yawn in turn? This just gets curiouser and curiouser… I would love the opportunity to test this theory. I wonder if this could be used by the lay-person, to test someone for Narcissism, Psychopathy or Sociopathy. If their romantic interest  doesn’t yawn back, could it be an indicator of these anti-social “isms”? Hmmm… I might try it out on random people just to see what might develop.

Even Elephants display cooperation. chimpanzees show compassion and empathy toward their counterparts. The Narcissist and psychopath cannot. They seem to be less evolved than our animal neighbors. Truly a thought-provoking subject.

Completely off the topic…

Today at work one of the guys who works with my X came into my store for a class. He made a point to come up to me and talk with me. He said they “miss my smily face” around there. He asked how I’ve been and how I like my new position. I had great things to say, and included lots of smiles. It was refreshing for me. I hold nothing against those who work with my x. The opinions they have of me aren’t because of me. They only know what has been portrayed by the Psychopath among them. I care about every one of them and hold no animosity toward anyone there…except for the obvious individual. The monster will forever be a monster. It’s not their fault that they have been duped by him.

All in all a great day today.

An old man’s reaction to hearing “his” music


Visibly “lifeless”, having lived 10 years in a nursing home due to seizures. He had difficulty answering simple questions…until a wonderful young woman cared to find out his one true love…

This is one of many reasons that Music is such a power! Magical things happen because of music.

After a few minutes of listening to his music, listen as the man describes…in detail…why he loves music. He recalls his favorite artists and songs. What a gift we all have, and take for granted.

I had to include this, as I believe wholeheartedly that it is one key to being able to reidentify ourselves with our own person…who we are deep down, before the narcissist or psychopath. There are many times that we are left with intermittent confusion, regarding the hows and why’s of what we endured, as well as what we are left with. That is, for a time.

There are and will be days that we are scrambling…feeling again that we will never be fully functional again. I pray that time would speed up regarding this healing process, so that I may see the end result…days that I am myself again. Days that I don’t second-guess others around me or their intentions. Days that I can just be comfortable in my surroundings, whether at home or in a group. Look at the blessing music is to many of our nursing home residents, Several who are looked at as “unreachable”. Beautiful!!

It’s nice to see this man shine 🙂