Gifts.. Freedom is one of those..

Gifts… Over at The Project Me: By Judy, She is working on a set of gifts to herself. I am so grateful for this idea! So many times, we think of goal setting, or “resolutions” and an ominous weight falls hard on our shoulders, in an instant. As if we are destined to fail, just by “resolving” to change. She’s right in saying that “Gifts” are better option. Change is still the goal, in one way or another, but she’s right in calling it a gift. To change for the better, should always be a gift to ourselves, and not a burden.

Life is full of failures, or perceived failures. There’s too much of it going around, to be quite honest with you. It’s too easy to just resign ourselves to failure, before ever believing in ourselves. It’s too easy to become defeated when think about making even a small change in our lives. Defeat doesn’t always mean that we walk away depressed. It also means that we resign ourselves enough, that we just stand still, not giving the change or goal another thought. We don’t stretch our proverbial wings. We don’t dream anymore. It’s too hard…

Today, I found inspiration through Judy’s post. It’s my gift. I found inspiration in an old familiar house. I recognized the similarities between that old house, and my personal life. Where I have been vs. where I am right now. That gift was allowed to show itself to me, but it becomes my gift to myself, when I choose to act on it and accept it as my own. I’ve been so busy lately, that I haven’t given personal growth much thought.

I still have not arrived to that place I want to be. I’m still healing and changing. This will continue for a very long time, that’s a definite! Tonight, thanks to Judy, I choose to give myself a gift.. I have noticed that I am still distrusting and insecure. I know that tackling this, will be no small task. Not only does this become a burden for myself (still being distrusting and insecure), but it produces a negative wall between interpersonal relationships of all types. I suppose in some ways, I’ve still been looking over my shoulders. Time to stop that.

Freedom, which also means ALLOWING myself to BE free, is my gift to myself, today. Insecurity is a horrible weight, which I feel on a daily basis. Today, I begin to rid myself of that weight.

Step one. Begin to trust. Of course, I know I can’t trust everyone out there, but does that mean no one is trustworthy? Does that mean I’m not allowed to have friends, because I still fear an ulterior motive? That’s wrong, and imbalanced. It’s stripping away a life that I want and need. Insecurity is part of that distrust. Or, is it a product of distrust? I believe so. It’s insecurity that invites mistreatment. It’s distrust which keeps me in a bit of a shell, though I am finding strength in these old bones. Maybe they go hand in hand. Either way, I know there’s a link between the two, and I don’t want my new life to be ruled by such a damaging weight, anymore.

You see, if I share this with you, maybe it’s going to sink in deeper for me, in order to see it as possible…

“Breathe in…breathe out, one foot in front of the other…”

Thanks for you, Judy..

This Old House

I remember being a very young girl, when I met my Grandmother’s neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Snyder. They lived in a very, VERY tiny one bedroom home that Mr. Snyder built for his bride, so many years ago. Mrs Snyder wasn’t much taller than 4; 10″, (if that tall) and he built the kitchen “just her size”. What a lovely couple. Mr. Snyder had a little welsh pony to go with his tiny, though beautiful, wife and home, and he brought that little pony out to let little me ride him. Mr. Snyder held onto the lead rope, and I rode on the back of this little guy, feeling very big. I loved animals then and I still do. Mr and Mrs Snyder were never able to have kids of their own, so they borrowed me when ever they could. Just for the record, I miss the two of them.

The sad day came when, first, Mr. Snyder passed away, and then later, Mrs. Snyder. My parents bought their little house (or maybe it was willed to them?) and remodelled it. That little house became a rental home, adding to my parents’ income. I have very fond memories of them, their home and my own grandparent’s home, just next door.

The last renters who lived in that little house, had been there for many years, never once respecting the history of the house, the people who built it, nor ever respecting the people who actually owned it. My mom, being the sweet person she is, allowed them to walk all over her, after my Dad passed away 5 years ago. She finally had enough, and they were evicted. Mom asked me to clean it, in order to get it “renter-ready” again. Normally, that wouldn’t have been a problem. A week or two, tops, and it would look good. Nope. They were chain-smokers, drug-addicts, and horribly filthy people. They wouldn’t call, if something broke or needed to be replaced, because that would mean someone would have to actually ENTER their house, revealing every atrocity that they wished to stay hidden. Plumbing, electrical, floors, etc.

I walked into that place, and thought, “what did I get myself into?!” The day came to start to grueling process. Each day brought new revelations as to how damaged this, once lovely home, actually was. Rotting floors in the bathroom, because they plugged the bathtub’s relief drain, allowing it to overflow repeatedly, onto the floor…. Then the outlet in the kitchen that for some reason, they actually cut out, and covered with drywall patch. Plumbing…oh my goodness! The Plumbing! The floors, windows, walls, basement, were all rotting. Not to mention the nicotine-stains, absolutely inundating the entire house. You get the picture.

We, months later, are getting ready to put the finishing touches on this, now remodeled home, and the difference is night and day. In the beginning, I never imagined how horrible it was, compared to my memories from childhood. Yes, I am looking forward to ending the “never-ending” project.

As we’re getting ready to walk away from this home, which will be put up for sale when we’re done, the aura is bitter-sweet. It’s a house. It’s my mom’s house, now. It was “their” house, and my house. It was abused, neglected, and never loved, after the passing of that wonder couple. It breaks my heart, to think of the love that was once in those walls, only to be traded for abuse, later. I realized the connection I have with that house, then and now, when we walked away last weekend.

That house is, in more than one way, an echo of my own life.

Abuse. Neglect. Lack of caring, lack of love, and continuous invalidation. It leaves a wake of destruction inside, doesn’t it? It leaves depression, despair, hopelessness, and stains on our psyche. It feels like it’ll be like that, forever, when someone is in the middle of it. When you look at it, all seems lost. “tear it down and rebuild” would be what anyone might say, who buys the house. It’s what seems feasible, when you see whats left of you, your life, and psyche, sometimes (for some people). At the most destitute of times, suicide actually seems feasible. You are unable to see the beauty that lies just beneath the rotting timber.

The old house that we have been working on (Mr. and Mrs. Snyder’s), holds some of my most precious memories. I couldn’t imagine how I would react if someone were to tear it down. It holds a piece of my heart.

I realized that I am a vessel. A house. It’s this house, though only made of flesh and bone, that still holds my most precious feelings and memories. I am someone’s most precious memory. I, as a house, (bear with me) have been beaten, neglected and abused. I have been unloved and uncared about, by those I loved the most in my life. I can assure you, the mess that was left seemed impossible to fix, without tearing down the house, and rebuilding. I considered suicide, more than once. Yes, I had to rebuild. Yes, I had to remodel some things. But this house is still in-tact.

This project with Mr. and Mrs. Snyder’s house started with ripping out the rotten carpeting and bathroom floor. As we ripped up the carpeting in the bedroom, it revealed the original, beautiful wood floor. On that floor, was a footprint from a tiny shoe; size 3, womens, I think. She must have stepped in the stain which Mr. Snyder was using to stain the wood on the floor. I felt like I was there with her again, for a second. There was some dry-rot along the edges, so we were unable to save the original flooring. We had to remove some of the baseboards, too. Under the baseboards, were some old bobby pins, that Mrs. Snyder wore in her hair. We laid laminate flooring over the top of the wood (a lot of it was still in wonderful shape), replaced the baseboards and it is beautiful room again. Tearing the old, rotting material, recovered some memories, for me. It stirred my heart.

Now, imagine yourselves. Your “house”. You were born beautiful. Someone loved you. Someone laughed when you laughed and fed you. Beautiful. Life happens, sometimes. With life, comes painful experiences. Abuse. Neglect and all manner of evil, leaving a river of rotting destruction. The aftermath seems hopeless, as if it’s not worth the effort to fix it, or rebuild from the pile.

Take a deep breath. Take another one. Don’t stop. Take a step in the direction of the pain and destruction, lying before you. Pick up a broom and see what’s waiting for you. Keep going. When you hit something that seems impassable, breathe and think of a way to repair it, making it new again. Does it erase the damage? No, but it will make it beautiful again. New floors. New fixtures. New life. New hope. The house is still the same house, holding the same memories, but the damage is something you won’t be able to see anymore. You cant forget that it happened, of course, but you won’t have to live with it anymore.

To repair a neglected and abused house, takes a lot of time, sweat, learning and tenacity. It’s worth it. Imagine what is lying beneath the rubble? Find it. Breathe.

You will live again, revealing the beauty of YOU again, I promise.

Let your own voice be heard…by YOU!

It’s been a while. My computer seems to have gotten over whatever ‘cough’ it was suffering from, causing the dreaded blue screen. So, I’ll run with it while I have the chance.

Just a quick update on the challenge I mentioned, back in February…I wound up having a meeting with the HR manager and District manager, regarding what was going on (at their request). I was threatened a couple of times by the HR manager, who said “You know, we don’t have to give you full time hours…” Threatening to take away my hours, because I was making a stand and encouraging other employees to do the same. The problem facing all employees, was management was forcing us, for years, to “work off” our overtime. I did some research and discovered that it was/is illegal for the company to do so, turning our “overtime” hours into “comp-time”, without the benefit of receiving the extra pay normally associated with working overtime. I was originally happy to take a longer lunch, get off early, etc. because I believed our company wasn’t seeing the normal sales that it was used to seeing, also believing it was only temporary. I was happy to help out then. Long story short, after the meeting, a note was posted on the employee board, stating that we could occasionally be expected to work a few minutes past our normal shift, but anything over 10 minutes needed to be approved by management. Also, “if there isn’t anything to do, then please clock out early.” That’s it. Nothing is being said about taking a longer lunch to make up for the overtime our monthly mandatory meetings would create, and nothing is being required of us, to work off ANY overtime incurred during the normal work related instances. I see this as a great victory. The employees won! Yippee!!

The cool thing about this particular scenario, is that 5 years ago I wouldn’t have ever considered stepping on any toes, or even asking questions that might seem offensive to a company I work for. In this case, it was needed and SOMEONE needed to say something. It all began with asking questions. I had questions being brought to me by other employees, and I decided to get to the bottom of the legalities surrounding this particular scenario. The rest just happened…

Yes, I have somewhere I’m going with all of this.

The journey of healing is all about changing, rebuilding, growing and becoming stronger in our own skin. It’s about rebuilding our emotional selves as well as our psychological selves. It’s nothing short of living with growing pangs, which are extremely painful in every definition of the word, even when you begin the journey with a predefined direction and goal. Usually the direction isn’t exactly clear, other than knowing its “there”. Though you live with it for a time, you will still see growth and strength in your life. It’ll still hurt, but don’t let that stop you.

One of the first lessons I learned, early on, was how to recognize my own internal voice, as opposed to the monster’s voice. In doing so, i recognized my not-so-healthy views of myself and was able to begin to change that. It also allowed me to recognize abusive tendencies in others, and gave me the strength to be able to stand up for myself. Setting and implementing personal boundaries, was the most important part of the lesson.

If someone would have said, “3 years from now, you’ll be stronger than you have ever been. You’ll have confidence, strength and peace of mind..” I would have called B.S. I would have asked what they were smoking, and never considered believing them. All I saw in the beginning of my journey, was a timid, scared shell. I was someone who wouldn’t stand up for herself, for fear of offending another. I was someone who’s wants, wishes and feelings were never important. I didn’t see their importance, because that would mean I was full of myself, arrogant and awful toward others. If I asked for something I needed, which I believed created some small hardship (minuscule) for another, I would be buried by horrendous guilt. It all started with my own voice.

I learned that every boundary that I would stand firm in, or allow to become shaky, began with my own voice. What I said to myself, or accepted FOR myself, became reality. I used to hear others speak of something like this, and always thought it was hogwash. “speak wealth into existence”, etc. The fact is, though there are imbalances in this type of belief, there are also truths in it.

Your voice is that which alerts you to problems or successes. It’s the beginning of every new step you will ever take, or every healing from pain, in your life. It’s the beginning of strength or failure. Smiles or depression. You see, it’s your OWN choice…your voice. You choose what gets in, and out. You choose what to believe or shake off. You choose where your life will go, and what you will accept FOR your life. It begins with your own voice.

There are so many who are in the beginning of this same journey. They are belittling themselves, calling themselves such horrible things. They are agreeing with their abuser, who took such huge steps to insure his/her success by psychologically raping their victim, calling it “love”. The first step is the most crucial to finding your own wellness. Learning what are his lies (or anyone else’s, throughout your life), and replace those lies with your own needs, wants, beliefs, and truths. If you wake up one morning and think, “I look hideous!” please recognize, that’s a LIE! If you are wanting that promotion at work, and your instant thought is, “I’m not good enough..I’ll never be hired for that”. Recognize that as a lie too. Instead, tell yourself you deserve better. You deserve to talk to yourself more positively. Then, step out and do what you need to do, to try for that job, promotion, or happier self. To start seeing the end of the tunnel of depression and self-loathing, begins with hearing your OWN voice. Not that voice from hurtful people, toward you. Speak out in defense of YOU. If you don’t like something, say so. If someone offends you, say so. If the day is beautiful, say so. If it’s wrong or right, say so.

No more fear. No more lies to yourselves. Make a pact with your emotional and psychological selves, to never speak or think another cruel word to yourself again. The next step is to move your feet and accept that better life, which was already yours for the taking. Does that mean you will become rich? Perhaps, but probably not. Happier? Most definitely!

Acceptance and Rejection… more thoughts

I really would like to pick the brains of psychological professionals, regarding this topic. It’s such a huge problem which affects so many aspects of our lives, including our past, present and any future we might have. It’s a huge factor in whether we have self-confidence, or not. Whether we do well with a challenge, or not. I’m really struggling with how to write about this, so maybe I’ll just wing it. Maybe it’ll form some sort of intelligent banter along the way.

Rejection. Can you remember when you were first hit with that overwhelming anxiety, associated with the fear? When you met someone new, for instance, and wanted to hide in a hole, instead of confidently extending your hand and introducing yourself? It’s difficult for me to pin point the first time. I know I was a little girl, but I don’t know when or why I became unsure and scared of rejection. I honestly believe it began prior to school years, as a little child or even a toddler. All I remember throughout school, is being afraid. I wonder if it starts from our parents or siblings treatment of us? Oh lord, THIS could definitely buy some psychologist that new yacht he’s been dreaming of!

We can fake confidence…sort of. We can fake a smile. We can fake anything we need to, generally. But, what we can’t fake our way out of, is our – very present – poor self-esteem. We can’t fake looking like we are confident, when we are laden with a lack of confidence. It shows in our body language, our stance, posture and even in the way we walk. It shows in how quickly we look away, when someone looks into our eyes…even for a second. I can fake being “ok” when I look someone in the eye, especially when I am first meeting someone. I know how to act, but I quickly feel examined and “unworthy”. I feel threatened, quickly looking away, and have a difficult time maintaining that eye-contact, naturally. Why is it so hard to trust that we are likable? Why is it so hard to understand that it’s ok if someone doesn’t like us? A fear of rejection stemming from our early years, translated to a type of self-loathing, later on. Somewhere, somehow, it changed.

This is exactly, and I mean EXACTLY what so many Narcissists and Sociopaths zero in on, when choosing their subject. It’s not just our lack of self-confidence that shows…it’s our innate fear of rejection that they see. When they see that part of so many of us, they know we will do ANYTHING and ENDURE ANYTHING to keep from feeling or being rejected. What we think of as “love”, is actually our OWN FEAR OF REJECTION! When we met the Narcissist/Psychopath, who was right there with everything we needed… Love, Affection, Attention, hugs, kisses, presents and so-forth, that translated to us as ACCEPTANCE (Aka: love). He/she gave us everything we’ve ever wanted, going way back to when we were children.

I’m taking breaks in between these posts, as it’s very emotional for me to think about. I have to examine myself while writing these, which is not an easy undertaking.

I would love to hear your ideas. I do realize that in adding your thoughts, you will also be delving into the painful task of self-analysis. You’ll have to remember difficult times in your lives, too. Remember, you aren’t on the chopping block, here. You’re already accepted. Don’t worry 🙂

A little off topic

Recently I’ve been dumped into a challenge at work. Apparently I’m being seen as a “hero” by some, but all I really did was go to upper management to ask a “question”. His reaction prompted me to ask the corporate guru’s. The rest will play out over the next upcoming weeks. I’m in the lead here, with others looking toward me for direction. I truly cannot explain any further about the ins and outs of everything. I will say, however, I predict a big change in management-whether getting new management or that they will have a change of heart (legally) as pertains to the treatment of employees. (This particular scenario has gone on, unquestioned, for years!) Either way, “legally” they will have to dip into their enlightened pocket-books, as a result.

This particular situation, is a direct test of everything I have learned over the past number of years. Standing against injustice, whether toward me or others, against the perpetrators. Speaking out against manipulation and lies, etc. We all have federal law on our side, here. Not to mention State law. Regardless what happens to me as a result, this is the beginning of the end for this type of thing in this company. It’s not as bad as it sounds. No deaths or anything have occurred at work. They are just dipping into our entitled earnings, while pulling their “management” strings. They trust that they have our fear working in their benefit. Not any more…

Please pray for direction, for everyone involved.
Thank you 🙂

Acceptance and Rejection

I’ve been thinking about several things (as always), over the last few months. The most prevalent of those has been, “validation” and “trauma bonding”. I could go into what causes the trauma bonding, but what I really want to touch on, is the other side of it. What else keeps us stuck in abusive relationships? The trauma bond is a huge factor in that, but before the bond takes hold, I believe a fear of rejection is the initial culprit.

A fear of rejection, I believe, is the cornerstone to trauma-bonding. in abusive relationships, whether that be in a family – between child and parent, or a pseudo-romantic relationship, is something we are conditioned to, as children. Emotional abuse, or being repetitively unaccepted by our peers, can create a fear of rejection. Sometimes, it’s so deep-rooted, it’s hard to combat later in life. When we are repetitively told that we aren’t “good” enough, in whatever way our families or peers choose, we become hurt. We feel that rejection, deep down. It translates in our psyches and hearts as, “I’m so stupid…”, “I’m unlovable…”, “I’m always unwanted…”, “…unappreciated…”, ugly, stupid, bad, not valid, “I don’t belong…”, etc… The list goes on. After time, we become a victim of self-rejection. We are always waiting, and preparing ourselves for what we are used to. It’s hard to accept that someone might actually care about us. So hard in fact, that we create scenarios which would produce the same effect. We worry. We second-guess another person’s intentions, or expect them to change from “good” to “bad”. It’s what we are used to. It’s what we expect. Sometimes we respond incorrectly to something another says or does, because we are so sure we will be rejected or treated poorly. But, that’s another story which I’ll touch on, later.


Those of us who are conditioned into a fear of rejection, HATE rejection! It’s horribly hurtful, from any source. When we are in love with someone who is continuously rejecting us, it’s unacceptable to us. We cannot accept what is happening because it’s directly opposed to what we are craving… ACCEPTANCE… When we are the child of a parent who is rejecting us, or who is abusing us emotionally, it creates the same feelings and responses as those who are being rejected within a relationship. It creates in us, every single time, the feeling that the world is falling out from under our feet. We panic, trying to hang onto whatever sliver of hope that “maybe, this time, they will finally love and accept me…”. It’s that hope that keeps us hanging on. We need to be accepted by those who are supposed to love us. When we are forced to go without that feeling of closeness throughout life, we crave it MORE, as adults. It’s almost an addiction. It’s a base-human need, in order to fully thrive in life. Our psyches know we need it. Our hearts know, as well.

I want to post this as it stands, but will continue in another post, later. There is so much to this, that I believe we all need to consider. Feel free to add your thoughts as we go along.

I’ll be back soon…

For someone like myself, who was born and raised without the World wide web, being without the internet has been rough. This post, by the way, is completely being done via a broken phone. Its hard to see what I type, so please excuse the broken text, misspelled words, and gibberish 🙂

I hope this finds you all exactly where you should be…moving forward in your healing, wherever “forward” has brought you, thus far. There are no wrong ways to move forward in this process. The only wrong that can possibly be done is by giving up. Any other step is a good one, even if its miniscule.

Enjoy your weekend! Be sure to include smiles, laughter and peace of mind.

Once a flying monkey, always a flying monkey

A great post about flying monkeys (aka: friends of the psychopath or narcissist). Be sure to read this post, and see if you can relate…

Madeline Scribes

dorothy red slippers

Dorothy: Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my!

I was reading a status update on Facebook from my new friend Martha. She wrote that the “flying monkeys” at work were starting to be nicer to her, probably because the Narc was either losing her grip on them, or had moved on to another victim. They had been shyly asking for her help and gravitating towards her for some time and she was still avoiding them at all costs. She’s a smart lady. She knows, just like I know, that once you’re a flying monkey, you’re always going to be a flying monkey. Flying monkeys never change.

Scarecrow: First they (the Flying Monkeys) took my legs off and they threw them over there! Then they took my chest out and they threw it over there!

Tin Woodsman: Well, that’s you all over!

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Subtle signs of a psychopath…don’t be fooled

My internet and computer are down, aside from my phone. Until i can get back, here is a fantastic article, for people who think they know it all about psychopaths, or survivors who think they “get it” now…

Reality hits when you least expect it, and also when you believe you are finally knowledgeable enough to avoid it. You can avoid getting dinged by toxic individuals by learning to believe in and trust yourself.

Vulnerability and the potential target..

You hear the word “vulnerability” in various contexts. The word, however, always means the same thing. To be “Vulnerable” means there is a notable weakness. A crack in your armor, which can be exploited; being prone to attack. Children, aging adults, and even shoddily protected computer systems, are vulnerable. Computer hackers are guilty for the recent security breaches in many of our major shopping chains, across America. Millions of people’s’ identities are at risk, due to the exploitation of those vulnerabilities found by these perpetrators. Pedophilia is rampant across the globe. Elder abuse, whether in a private home, or state-run facility, often times goes without notice.

The exploitation or abuse isn’t just limited to those who are obviously (to the normal human) vulnerable or weak, or unable to protect themselves. Those who have been previously abused, neglected, attacked or have low self-esteem or lack of confidence, are seen as vulnerable and “weak” by the same depraved individuals, who are looking for someone to use for their self-gratification. It doesn’t just stop there. Are you a giver? A peacemaker? Do you have a selfless nature? Humanitarian? Are you naturally, highly empathetic? These wonderful qualities are seen as weaknesses by the social/human predator, as well. They aren’t seen as “wonderful qualities” by the Sociopath/Psychopath. In fact, the human predator is an astute student in human nature. They interpret these qualities, very analytically. They see “behind” the exterior, into the deepest recesses of our behaviors, exposing our actual needs behind the selfless acts. This is how they are able to mirror us so well. Creepy, huh?

For instance; Are you a selfless giver? A psychopath or Narcissist could interpret that as, “She needs approval and acceptance”. Empathetic? “She needs to feel understood, loved and cared about”. Those of us with less than ideal self-confidence, are especially subjective to becoming targeted and victimized. We are easy to see and weed out from the rest of the herd.

In the past 3 years, I have come to realize that no 2 psychopaths’ personalities are exactly the same. Their M.O. is ALWAYS the same, as in; Love-bombing, manipulation, mirroring, tailoring responses to mesh with our deepest desires, scheming and lying. Some Narcissists and Psychopaths (though very few) aren’t cheaters. However, they ALWAYS gas-light their targets. Some choose those whose vulnerabilities echo their inert weaknesses. Others want to go after the more self-assertive variety. The thrill is in the conquest, after all. The fact remains in that we all, as humans, have some sort of vulnerability. Some of us make the search very easy, while others take more time to ascertain.

Remember…even the Titanic, which at the time was considered “unsinkable”, met with a rogue iceberg which was able to find the slightest weakness in the hull of the ship. The rivets used were iron which degraded in the sea water, weakening the hull enough to be ripped apart by a huge block of ice. Even those of us who are coined with the phrase “unsinkable” and “unmovable”, have a vulnerable area.

Now, the conundrum… We are encouraged to be more vulnerable, by “relationship experts” and the likes of them. I can understand why this is. If we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable at all, we won’t be able to find true human connection. When two people are vulnerable and in turn, protected by each other, then we are able to allow and accept emotional intimacy.

Normal people shudder at the thought of exploiting any of these areas or people, for personal gain. But those people ARE out there. Sociopaths/psychopaths and narcissists, never show vulnerabilities. At least, ones that are obvious to normal people. Predators are secretive. They cover their tracks. They are exemplary schemers and liars. They manipulate you and others around them, so they don’t appear to be anything but how they want others to see them. Lets think about them, for a second. Do the Narc, Soc, or Psychopath truly have “no” vulnerabilities? Or are they just skilled at covering them up? They have skills, that’s for sure. Silence, whether from their chosen victim, or themselves, is absolutely necessary to insure their success. The pro-social Psychopath knows that if they talk too much, for instance, they take the chance of unveiling their true nature and in turn lose their cover. They will be seen for who they truly are, and what their desired end is. They would be unmasked. Was your ex-psychopath or Narcissist very open about their past, or what they do with their time? If they were, how easy was it for you to pick out the lies? The vast majority of them, are NOT open with you about ANY area of their lives…except for those tidbits that would be useful to further gain your trust. Even those things are carefully placed, without revealing too much information to you, and are still dusted ever so slightly in lies.

The #1 vulnerability that the Narcissist/Psychopath has is INSECURITY!!! They are afraid of exposure. They are afraid that the rest of the world will think them less than exemplary human beings (barf). We all know they are incapable of true decency, without the need for schemes. However, they still need constant ego buffing and adulation. They are afraid that someone will know the truth about them. Everything they do stems from this insecurity. I don’t feel the least bit sorry for them, or any inkling of pity. They choose to do what they do, and they know EXACTLY what they are doing. It’s planned, and malicious.

That leaves us with the daunting question of, What can we do to protect ourselves? Especially when different vulnerabilities are seen as exploitable, depending on the personality of the individual predator. I mean, one predator might want an easy-to-find catch. He/she’ll go after the one whose self-confidence is shaken. They want the conquest without the battle. How about the type who only wants the “hard-to-get” prey? They go after those who are self-assured, successful and strong (as they would appear to normal individuals). The same is true, however. Both types of predators find and exploit vulnerabilities. Given the time (and some are quite patient), they will expose your vulnerabilities, no matter how hard or easy they are to see. Again, what can we do to protect ourselves?

First, know their tactics. They always come on strong, giving us the person we’ve always longed to meet. The one we thought didn’t exist. The empathetic, caring, self-effacing gentleman. Gifts will abound. Favors. Etc. They will be loving and attentive. It’s easy…WAY too easy to get caught up in the fairy tale. I think it’s important to take strategic steps back, during the initial days. Revisit what has been said or done, away from them. Learn the phrases they say, or the responses they have to what YOU have said. The twists will be so subtle, it’ll be hard to distinguish at first. Believe me, even in the beginning, they will slip a little bit. How do they make you feel? Do you feel elation, only to be met with a sudden bout of shock? What shocked you? What was your response..even silently? I can’t express this enough… LOVE BOMBING SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE CODDLED!!! You should NEVER allow for it. If they are trying to push too much, too soon, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE walk away from them!

This is such a wide-open topic. I would love to hear your ideas… What are some ideas you might have, to protect ourselves from being targeted? Remember, we will ALL be targets. Not all will become victims…