Peace after going ”no contact”

I’ve been thinking about the “no-contact RULE” lately. The reason being is, that I don’t believe there is an actual defined and definite rule that fits for everyone. I have read blogs that were for meant for talking about “hard” subjects, in accordance with the journey we all go through in the aftermath of a psychologically abusive relationship. These blogs are wonderful to help survivors to be able to expedite their own recovery. However, as to the subject of “no contact”, these same blogs were condemnatory toward survivors who were still struggling with that very subject.

In the process of ending contact with my last fiasco, as I have always done, I analyzed every response and attempt I tried. I “watched” as an outsider, taking notes on my own struggles, what finally worked for me to go no contact, and what happened as a result. I must tell you, though, this time around, for whatever reason, was more freeing for me, in the end!

One would think that I would have to completely rebuild, start over, etc. after a second go-round. At first, I was truly in a horrible place, again, fighting to make sense of things. Why someone who claimed to love me so much, could go through such extremes to hurt and bait me into a reaction, for no other reason but his personal “need” to be satisfied, much like a vampire. I felt like the entire “coming out” of my heart, was a complete waste. I was robbed and cheated. As if I would never get another chance to be whole again. That I would be bitter forever. Jaded. Cynical.

After each time of manipulation, gas-lighting and baiting for a reaction, I attempted to go “no-contact”. But I loved this man, as he SHOWED ME a man I longed for my entire life. I missed “that” person. That person disappeared as quickly as I fell for him. It was as though the initial love I developed for this person, was exactly what he wanted to see. You see, even THAT was something he used to get a reaction. The mirroring, tailoring everything he said and did, after my deepest desires, really was a baiting session. His desired reaction from me, WAS to have me fall deeply for him. Once he got that reaction, it was time to move on to harder, more hurtful ones. Since he already got me to fall for him, he could stop all the mirroring and caring gestures, and replace it with malicious mental and emotional games, hurting me for a reaction. Repetitively.

He played me like a deck of cards. He didn’t win, though for a time, he had the upper hand. I would go silent after each session (I don’t know what else to call it). I stayed silent, at times for as long as a week. Even though he blame-shifted directly following my over-the-top reaction, when I went silent and stopped talking to him, he would counter with texts and phone calls full of self-loathing and begging. Empty promises were his next playing field. He played into my natural empathy and sympathetic heart, still believing that this person was “normal”. He would beg for second, third, and forth chances to prove his love for me. To “earn” my trust. The thing is, each time I fell for those stupid lines, never once did he actually work to win my trust. He still had me where he wanted me, and it was back to business as usual.

Again and again, I tried to initiate ‘no-contact’. Again and again, I fell for his seemingly sincere remorse for hurting me.

I was in a mental and emotional war at this point. I KNEW and RECOGNIZED that what he was doing was, at least, manipulative. I mistakenly thought the problems lied in the subjects, or his chosen responses. Lying, stupidly, about gawking at another woman’s ass, as she walked past us. He made both disgustingly obvious. It wasn’t that he wasn’t able to control himself in either the gawking, or the lies immediately following. Both scenarios were put in place by him, to see how I would react, and nothing more. The reason he made both so unmistakably obvious, is so I wouldn’t mistake them as innocent. So I would KNOW he lied and KNOW he gawked. I didn’t see that right away. It was actually after his last stunt, that he himself gave me the answer to every other time, and finally my eyes were opened to the “real” story. It wasn’t in the act. It was his intentions BEHIND the act. He just skillfully and methodically put those actions into play, as a chess player would do, to get his opponent to counter with  a move he could use. It’s strategic, methodical and malicious. I was a toy and a tool. Nothing more than that. 

Still, even with all of this knowledge and epiphanies, I was still struggling with no-contact. I analyzed this, too, while I was in the middle of it. Why did I still feel the need to contact him? I was angry. I was hurt and I had insatiable questions that longed for answers. I needed to know what I was looking for from him, when I would, again, text, call or email him. I couldn’t completely define what I was looking for, but I knew the direction. I wanted to see remorse, that so far he was so devoid of showing, except for those times I would go silent. Silence from me, initiated the fake remorse response from him. Every time. I wanted him to admit to what he had been doing and understand how he was hurting me. I already knew by his habitual actions, hurting me was just a consequence to his game. His intention wasn’t necessarily to hurt me, though he knew he would.. it was all for the reaction. He knew it would hurt me, and didn’t care. It was the “all’s fair in love and war”. I had given up on getting the man I fell for, back, as he never existed in the first place.

My last attempt to contact him was with a defined purpose. I emailed him with a proposed excuse he could use. It was designed to bait HIM into answering MY questions. I suggested that he had emotional issues left over from abuse he endured at the hands of his mother. Psychological and emotional abuse. I was partially serious, in that I truly believe that it is at the root of all his compulsions to manipulate and control a woman’s emotions, just for kicks. I knew how he would respond. He didn’t address my proposed excuse. He immediately took the subject to blaming me, because “some people might take certain things wrong”. He recognized that words “mean things” and he needed to be more careful of MY feelings… as if everything hurt me, still, only because I was over-sensitive. AKA: blame shifting. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is in his mid-50’s. If he didn’t get the understanding that ‘words hurt’ by now, he would never get it. He was feigning innocence. I kept directing the conversation to his repeated actions, actually telling him about baiting me for a reaction. In his frustration, he counted each time, himself, and named each instance for me, while still claiming innocence and remorse (covered by sugar-coated blame-shifting and subtle accusations).

He knew. He knew all along, what he was doing. But I already knew that. In that texting conversation of ours, I got the validation I needed from him. #1, that he knew what he was doing and could recount each time without provocation from me. #2, Even though he claimed the desire to change, the fact that he was still shifting blame, told me he still had absolutely no desire to change. He would continue in his sadistic game, with me as his subject… as long as I allowed him to.

This was what I needed to finalize everything in my heart and mind. I found disdain and disgust for a man, where “love” used to be. My final text to him was two words, “Go away”. I meant it, and have had no desire to talk to him ever again. He actually turns my stomach.

I DO NOT recommend doing this, in order to help your situations at all!! I was lucky and understand that completely. It is exponentially better to TRUST WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW without needing any validation from any source. Your gut will tell you whether the person you are with is “bad” or “good” for you. Whether or not you are in extreme anxiety when you are with this person, or if you feel safe and content, should tell you when to walk away or stay. In taking the route that I did, that final day, I placed myself at risk.

The validation we crave, is found in the CYCLE OF ABUSE! His repeated offences without verifiable remorse or any inkling of a conscience, should be all the validation we need, in order to cut ties completely. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, many times we are still not satisfied with the obvious. We have to beat it to a pulp before we exhaust ourselves into having no other choices. Then, in our exhausted state, we are able to go no contact for a short time. We are weary, then. We are heart-sick. I understand this cycle of abuse/survivor. It’s all in the trauma bond that we inherited.

For me, the aftermath of this last fiasco has brought me PEACE! I don’t understand exactly what enabled that, or why. Once I was able to view him as pond-scum, I stopped caring about any potential smear campaigns. I stopped caring about being shunned at work. I am still ever vigilant in keeping a watchful eye, but not so much with fear. Its maintaining control. Not over everyone else, but in being aware of who is around me. Even those areas that were still being affected by the psychopath of my past, have changed into something else. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of others, what they might say or do.

I’m finally, truly free. I don’t care about how my most recent ex-boyfriend is feeling, or whether or not he truly loves me. i don’t care anymore, that he’s still scheming for something or someone to continue to feed him his meal of emotional reactions. He’s sent me 3 texts in the last 2 weeks. The latest one(s) are exclaiming his undying love for me, begging me to talk to him again. I see him as pathetic, now, with absolute disgust for his attempts. He has to know he failed in the game.

I will give him time to walk away, and honor my request that he leave me alone. If he continues to call or text after a certain amount of time, he will be met with a letter, certified return receipt requested, demanding that he honor my wishes. It will be notarized. From there, I will take whatever steps that are necessary. It still is painful to some degree, when he tries to contact me. It keeps those painful spots inside of me, still raw. I don’t want or need that in my life. It’s unfair of him to continue to try to bait me for any reason. But, he was never “fair” or “just” in his actions to begin with, was he?

Taking a break is the next best step…

I believe that taking a break from blogging right now, is a good idea. I won’t be deleting my blog or anything of the sort. It’s time to start living again. I won’t be dating or toying with the idea for quite some time, but I have realized that I need to LIVE now. I’ve spent countless hours writing down every step that I’ve gone through..every phase that has hit me along the way. I have written these down for any other new survivor that finds themselves in the same place I was, in the beginning.

I’ve hashed and rehashed every possible thing about my Psychopathic X. While still in the relationship I understood that he was psychologically abusive, and decided to try to understand just what I was in. What type of man is he? Why was I so buried with anxiety and confusion? I spent many hours, days and months trying to understand. When I finally understood what he is, (that was pretty close to the end) I got away. I was finally allowed to see just how dangerous he is, and was finally able to see the monster without the veil of pseudo-humanity.

I got away, and with time I came to grips with what I had been through, which included the abuse. I learned to differentiate between every type of psychological abuse the monster used against me, in order to keep me silent, shaken and very very unsure of everything around me…that included myself. I was able to be “ok” with everything, and accept that there are evil people out there that prey on women like me. I was too visible to a predator.  There are no neat little boxes to put the experience in, as it will never make total and complete sense. But, I’m ok with that, now. The box is called “disorder”, and rightfully so. The entire relationship, every day of it, can be categorized as “disordered”. The monster himself, is also “disordered”. That’s the best understanding I have and am able to give you, the new survivor.

Every step from that point on, was with the need and decision to get my life back. To get MYSELF back. I needed him COMPLETELY out of my life. If I was remaining centered on HIM, I would never move forward. I would have lost…He would win. I couldn’t allow that.

I learned to silence his voice in my head for the most part. There are still some very triggering things, that I haven’t learned how to grow past yet, but as it has been in every other step and area, that will come.

The place I am in, now, is going to be a long road. I think I will be stuck talking about the same stuff that I’ve learned up to this point. I’ve been able to find the keys to complete recovery, and the rest..the ease of which will come with more practice.

Today marks no mile stone, other than the fact that I have come “this” far. I’m not giving up in the least! I’m so elated to finally be almost completely free of his effects, I can hardly stand it! I’ve begun the process of recognizing those difficult things about me that made me such an easy target to catch, and worse…to hold onto. It’s these things that will take time to perfect.

The boundaries aspect will take as much time as the redefining of myself, to see to fruition. Though, I highly doubt if I will ever completely ‘arrive” to total completion. That would mean I’ve reached perfection. I am, and will always be, human. I will make mistakes in my life. I will probably meet another like the monster. There in lies the entire reason for reaffirming and building boundaries. It’s the reason for recognizing and changing the difficult things about myself, so when that day comes, I won’t allow myself to be food for another SPATH. I will recognize and trust my instincts without fail. But, even more than that, I am changing and respecting every new and old boundary I have, from this day forward. Not just so I won’t have a repeat of hell in my life, but so I will finally be WHOLE! Holistically whole. Healthy boundaries, healthy views of myself and others, and complete. It’s the person I had never met, that is the reason for all the changes and affirmations, now.

That person is myself!

My instincts have NEVER ONCE failed me! I will repeat that, because I have said that to friends and gotten some flack over it. MY INSTINCTS HAVE NEVER, EVER, FAILED ME. They have always been true and faithful. It’s my distrust of myself and of those instincts, that allowed the abuse to continue as long as it did. My X started showing me his true nature, early on. I was so caught up with who I thought I met, I just wouldn’t allow myself to believe anything less. It was when I was hit with TOTAL reality that I couldn’t ignore the abuse anymore, or excuse it, or find more “patience” with that “poor man”. I have gone through several abusive relationships in my life. I have never had the wherewithal to change, nor did I ever see the need to recognize the unhealthy characteristics about myself that wound up hurting me every time. I thought I was fine and it was all the asshole’s fault. It wasn’t until I was psychologically raped and almost destroyed as a result, that I was finally able to recognize that there was SOMETHING about me that I needed to learn and ultimately, change. I place no blame anywhere. The psychopath is being true to his disorder and can’t be expected to be anything else. He thinks its amusing to play the game. That’s what his disorder creates. I feel no sympathy or pity for the monster. He knew what he did in placing every pawn and scenario, calculatedly and without remorse, and  tried to destroy me a little more with each passing day. It was fun for him to do this. I was a game to him.

Never again.

I have been able to be ok with everything, or as much as I am humanly able. I have made peace with the abuse, in as much as I am able to right now. I have made MORE peace than was there a year ago. I will NEVER make peace with the Monster. No contact means absolutely NO CONTACT…EVER! Just because I am more at peace with the abuse, doesn’t mean the predator has had a life changing epiphany, too. He never will. Ever.

So, as each day continues from here, I will continue to reaffirm my validity as a human being. I will AFFIRM the fact that my feelings are worthy of their own grand-stand (in a way). It’s ok for me to request that others respect me, as much as I respect them. It’s ok to walk away from a situation or person who refuses to respect my boundaries. When my age-old intuition starts playing the harp with my nerve endings, it is ok for me to listen and trust it. I have always, deep down, had my own interests at heart. It’s ok for me to validate my OWN life, my OWN NEEDS, and so-on.

From here, I will continue breathing, taking each day…each step…as it comes. Sometimes there isn’t a “right” way or direction to go in our healing process. There are no rules, as we each heal differently. Understand that the sooner you are able to focus on YOURSELF, the better off you will be. Keep in mind that when there is no “right” way, the ONLY right way is to MOVE YOUR FEET! Life and situations will meet you, that will facilitate your own healing, as long as you aren’t allowing yourself to stay TRAPPED in a wounded state of mind.

The you that you will meet along the way, will astound you. You will amaze you, as I have been amazed through every day of my journey.

I will continue to read your posts and comment. I will continue to be there for other survivors, so feel free to talk to me. I’m still here.

Thank you for every one of you!

PTSD and moving past the triggers to better change.

The other day I found myself in a situation that I think I HAD to be in. As a result, I think I experienced my first REAL challenging trigger.

I need to step back for a second…In September of last year, I decided to stop seeing my counselor. I wan’t NEAR ready to stop seeing her, but finances just wouldn’t allow for it, even with her working with my fee to keep it as tolerable as possible. She bent over backwards for me, in doing so. I was never diagnosed with having PTSD, but if I was able to continue seeing her, I’m completely convinced that I would have been. I have read quite a few articles about this disorder, though one in particular (seemed like someone was writing my life on paper) solidified the fact in my own mind. Sooo…here we are.

Time for a game plan… #1, all I know is I don’t want a ‘repeat’!

First, I want to thank those of you that helped me get my focus back on track. I have a direction to go again, in my healing process. Judy brought up a much needed point… “Boundaries”

Whether this stems from being raised in a co-dependent atmosphere, with a seemingly co-dependent roll-model or not, the fact remains I have had a problem dealing with negative emotion directed at me. After leaving my abusive situation, this issue has grown exponentially. I need to get a handle on it, that’s for sure. I believe that this fear, in and of itself, is at the root of everything. I’m afraid of standing up for myself or voicing discontent with how someone might speak to me, or act toward me. This has been an issue during most of my life, to some degree.

When my x would do or say something that was in DIRECT VIOLATION, I would try to talk to him about it. It would take me a few days to gain enough courage to confront him, but when I finally did, I was hit with gaslighting, manipulation and anger. He would shut me down, turning all ‘eyes’ on me. It wasn’t him at all. The thing about this is, after getting hit with it EVERY time, try as I did to keep him from getting inside, he still did. I actually questioned everything that I KNEW was going on. I second guessed my own perceptions because his were (though they were LIES) still realistic-sounding. I fell into a pattern of second-guessing myself, and everything I knew. He stopped me from speaking out. He also put a psychological stopper in my ability to be at ease in public situations. I was silent in the relationship, after all. I was silent everywhere. Fear based silence. I allowed him to take my boundaries and invalidate them, entirely. Couple that with an already low self-view, and you have quite the pile of poopy, now.

He took ALL power away from me that I had…at the time.

I do realize this now, and the LAST thing I want to do is reaffirm the lies he set so deep in my own psyche. This last year after leaving that situation, has been spent silencing HIM! The direct assaults on my dignity, the lies about my mental state, and so-on. Positive affirmations, thinking, and input were the ticket there! But they weren’t the ‘magical’ cure-all. I had to pointedly learn what the lies were, and decidedly move my thoughts in a better direction I (either verbally or mentally) would TELL MYSELF which was bullshit, which was his input and not my own, then decide to replace it with my OWN POSITIVE ONES at that exact second. This was a pretty easy exercise for me to put into place. The difficult thing about it is being patient. The negative input was pretty continuous for a while. “Garbage out” I got the mentally audible lies taken care of, pretty early on. They were the obvious ones. It’s the deep-rooted ones that are causing me to be afraid to validate my OWN boundaries, that I need to squelch.

This is going to mean taking pretty much the same steps I took in the beginning, but with more active attempts and as much of a direct approach as I can muster. This one is going to be a battle for a while, I think.

So, what do I need to set for a game plan?

As with most emotional and psychological healing, the first step is recognizing that I have a problem… Okay…I’m there.  #2, recognize the root of it. There are several but with one new, BIG root in the middle. I choose to visualize a time when I was doing landscaping in Arizona:

Desert tree
Desert tree (Photo credit: Nathan M. Nelson)

One job we were doing, the man who owned the housing project requested a Thornless Mesquite tree in the front yard of a model home. These are pretty hard to come by, generally. My boss happened to find one growing in the desert that didn’t have any rhyme or reason for why it was there. Just one. It might have been part of someone’s yard at one point, but non-the-less it was there. He chose it for the yard of the model home.  We set out one day soon after, with shovels in hand, and tylenol for breakfast, with a plan to safely dig up and transport this firmly established tree. I swear we dug for 8 hours! The thing about desert plants and trees is they all have a main tap root. Desert trees’ tap roots grow straight down, in search of a water source. They are long, thick and strong, almost like a second tree. I think we dug down about 6-8 feet, before we realized that it just wasn’t going to end. Out came the ax. We broke that tap root, thinking that a hefty dose of vitamin B1 to the tree after transplanting, would keep it from going into shock. Stupid thinking, I know… Within a couple of weeks, that tree died right there where we planted it. Why? WE SEVERED IT’S MAIN VEIN! We severed the root.

The monster has a tap root. One that he uses with cunning skill. Gaslighting, manipulation and brainwashing. He uses it to grow that tap root straight through what makes US strong, healthy trees (I know…bear with me). It’s like a parasite that uses all life energies around it to survive, while sucking that same life force dry from living things around it. The damage he caused also has it’s own tap root. Separate from him, it’s developed into it’s own ‘living’ breathing entity, in a way. That’s what gaslighting and psychological abuse creates in the survivor. It’s it’s own seed, that grows when we ‘feed’ it. Another thing, with the tap root firmly placed, you can cut the tree without killing the tap root. Often times, a new tree will grow from the root. The only way to kill it entirely, is to sever the tap root. See where I’m going with this?

Caving into the impulses to hole up, or loose our grip entirely, only strengthens the parasitic seed, so carefully placed by the Narc or Psychopath. How do we “chop” that root? DON’T FEED IT! Sever it completely! For survivors, this is a little more difficult than pulling out an ax and letting it do the deed. The ‘AX’ for us is in our habitual responses to scenarios that conjure up the fear, or needing to beat feet out of that place. Change our response. Change our views. The fear first starts as a momentary thought or a type of breath we take. We need to learn to recognize what triggers trigger the PTSD triggers, then respond in kind with a more healthy reaction. It’ll take a little more time for me to learn these steps, and how to best direct my responses to situational input. With practice this should get easier.

Whatever we “FEED” grows stronger. Eventually the tap root that is left by such a deplorable parasite will whither.

Looking forward to this new direction.

I would like to hear from those of you who have grown past this point in the process. Any advise?

The “crazys”

Every day I’m noticing some things I like and others I don’t like, happening in this “healing” adventure.

An update…

I’ve noticed that I’m most like the old me when I’m at work! No kidding! That’s most definitely ironic, since I was least like myself there, in the beginning. Here’s why, I think…

I don’t have any real close relationships with anyone there. I like some, but aren’t close to anyone. Some people, however, we’ve developed a playful relationship which creates even more of a fun atmosphere. One co-worker in particular likes to mess with me at every opportunity. He’ll playfully wave from across the room, yelling (in front of customers, too) “HI!!” lol! I respond in kind. It’s nice. The manager that I was so fearful of when he joined our team has become someone who I really enjoy working with. The girls are confiding in me about life issues, and really seem to be ok with me.

I joke with the customers, who sometimes take the “jokes” a little too far. I can handle the ones that are a bit “over the top”. When the transaction ends, they leave. “Whew!” I enjoy working with the customers I don’t know. I can hide behind the counter, and I think that’s become a sort of “safety” barrier for me. The walls of the building are a safety net, though I do remember the monster who can walk in at any time.

Away from work, however, I’m still disjointed. I worry that I sound crazy to whom I’m around. I try on occasion to get out of my house and have fun, but I act and sound like I’ve lost it. I don’t know if anyone has picked up on that when they are around me during those times. I feel it. It’s almost painful. I do know I’m uncomfortable. When I feel like that, it’s like something takes over and some things that pour out of my mouth sound strange even to me. I don’t know how to describe this to you.

I’ve always been an awkward person. I’ve always been a little unsure of myself when around others, but it’s become accentuated since my experience with the Monster. Now, I’m completely disjointed. I’ve always felt like I didn’t completely ‘fit it’ anywhere, but was okay around others. I always had a ball when my friends and I would go sing karaoke, or what-have-you. Now, I REALLY don’t feel like I fit in. I still have a wall of protection around me, and I think when I’m in a potentially precarious situation, it makes things much worse. I still feel like I have to shield myself. But, from what?

My X hasn’t been around (other than the occasional time at work) since the last court date. He’s left me alone (directly), though I know that the Psychopath will never be completely gone. They never completely stop their shit. He’s just doing it on the side-lines where no one can see. I’m positive the internet searches are still going on. He’s still blocked in every area I can possibly block him.

I’m still dealing with some things that are a direct result of his conditioning. His brainwashing. I’ve turned into at least part of what he wanted me to be. I won’t pretend to understand anything that he did or even what his desired end was. That will always be a mystery to me. If I were to ask him, he’d lie to me anyway. He’d throw out the normal gaslighting and manipulative shit he always did, in answer to my question. Nope, won’t go there.

Again, what am I shielding myself from? This is in regards to going out in public or spending one on one time with someone I used to be close to. I’ve always been a little shy, but when I was with my friends, I overcame that pretty easily. Within reason 🙂

If anyone is curious…this is me, doing the ‘introspection/extrospection’ thing I’m a slave to. This is how I figure things out… Keep reading 🙂

Lets take a step back. What is one common denominator in this? CLOSENESS! I think when I’m out in a normal social situation, I unconsciously (or somewhat consciously) realize I’m potentially in the direct line of “fire”. I’m exposed. I’ve become one that feels safest in a completely controlled environment. It can’t be completely controlled unless I’m in control. When I’m at work, I’m not in control so much, but it IS a controlled environment. When out in a social setting, I’m anxious. It creates the “crazys” in me, when I’m around others. It’s embarrassing and excruciating. I would rather be home, where I’m safe and call all the shots.

What has lessened my anxiety at work? The fact that I HAD to be there. I REFUSED to quit my job or stop anything there because of my X. I had to be there to further my place in the company. I didn’t want him to gain anything by my quitting so I stayed. It created a forced practice scenario. I had to be there when my anxiety was on overload. I had to be there when I was having my panic-attacks. I had to be there for a paycheck. It’s taken a full year, but I feel almost at home with my co-workers. It’s a strange area to be blessed, but I am non-the-less.

My friend suggested that I see my doctor and ask for antidepressants. I refuse. I’m not “depressed”, I’m just struggling in areas. I’m as contented as I can be at this point in time. I’m just struggling in some areas that will be better in time. That is, only IF I don’t allow myself to stay stuck. If I don’t challenge myself and my anxiety around others, this will become ingrained in me for the rest of my life. I’m aware of that, too.

I think it just takes practice.

Think I’ll call my friends and plan on a girls night out. I miss them. I’ll have to give them expressed instructions to forcefully drag my ass out, since the closer the night comes, the more likely I’ll back out.


Choose to be a survivor!! (don’t be afraid of some triggers if they pop up while reading this article)

All of us, here, know what it’s like to be a victim. When we were fresh out of the psychological, mental and emotional minefield, the experiences and pain were etched into our memories forever. I wish we all could just move on and completely erase all of the effects, instead of the incessant, grueling, mind-numbing replays that we’re plagued with…sometimes for years after. Many of us will be affected by our hell for a lifetime.

The horrible thing (one of many) is; we are stuck in a sense…we’re stuck with what is left of us. We’re stuck with the memories of “his” or “her” version of gas-lighting. We’re stuck with the pain of realizing that the entire time you were “with” your monster, everything you believed…everything he/she told you about themselves was a lie. Everything that individual (notice I don’t refer to the monster as a person) tried to manipulate you to believe, say, do or question, was a lie. Your relationship was a lie. The love you thought you shared…yep, that was all a lie, too. These are the toughest parts (ok, of many) to accept, let alone understand. Humans just don’t DO THAT to other humans! Especially someone they claim to love. That’s just it…the monster isn’t human. Sure, we share the same chromosomes that they do. We share the fact that we walk upright, have 2 eyes, and speak an audible, viable language. That’s where the similarities stop. I don’t need to remind you where the differences are. Here are just a few:

1) Lack of conscience.

2) Lack of empathy.

3) Callousness or complete lack of emotion…except what they can pull out of their hat for effect.

4) The illusion of being Charming.

5) quick movers in a relationship…using flowers and many gifts to manipulate you into trusting them.

6) We can’t forget the LIES.

There are so many…

Rest assured, though you had to learn some of their traits for survival’s sake, you are not becoming the monster. I, too, had to learn to decipher the way my monster thought, in order to try to cut him off at the “pass”, so-to-speak. I know how he thought/thinks, though he never ceased to amaze me or blind-side me. I learned his level of paranoia, because it was one of the avenues he chose for his manipulations. He didn’t miss a thing, though he mis-read everything! I was the crazy one (according to my monster), though he was creating such internal turmoil for me, that I re-lived (in a sense) early childhood abuse. I just about had a nervous breakdown. I still catch myself finding lies, going on witch-hunts and thinking like him. I’m stuck in survival mode.

I’m going to take a minute to remind all of us… ALWAYS trust your instincts!!! ALWAYS believe your gut!!! We are either our own best defense, or our own worst enemy. There-in lies the secret to breaking the ties of being a “victim”. You already know what a trap it is…especially INSIDE ourselves.

We are living in the shadow of the monster’s abuse. We are victims…but only as long as we allow the abuse to continue. Understand, a predator‘s abuse continues long after the relationship. It continues in the damage done to us. It continues in every one of the effects that individual caused. Most of all, it ESPECIALLY continues when we continuously allow ourselves to ruminate over everything we endured with them. Remember, all that does is (guess what?):


Be certain that the psychopath still has their eye on you, in one way or another. Seeing or hearing about you fighting for your very sanity on a daily basis, makes them feel omnipotent (All powerful). One thing you have probably come to realize is, that was the main reason for the monster’s abuse of you! They choose someone who is naturally sweet and kind. Full of compassion and empathy…especially if their chosen prey was already abused at some point in their lives, so they could feel like they compared to GOD, himself! Sucks, doesn’t it??

Did he/she actually try to use brainwashing techniques on you? Did he/she shatter your self-esteem? Make you feel like you have to shield yourself from everyone? Stay silent around co-workers, friends and/or family? Are there other things he caused inside you? Name them to yourself. Write them down. Allow yourself to BE angry! YOU my dear, are entitled to wish the monster was dead. You, however, are not entitled to cause their demise. Karma will take care of that, for you.

Every day that we allow ourselves to continue to be tormented by his/her abuse, we are allowing ourselves to remain trapped in their web…while every day we also carry with us the tools we need to be FREE! Here’s that conundrum: HE/SHE GAVE US THE TOOLS!!!! Here are some of their secrets (at least the ones I’ve come to recognize in my own monster/psychopath):

  1. In the very beginning he/she sized you up for worthiness of being prey. Did you have a soft heart? Did you fail to stand up for yourself when other’s wronged you? They watched, painstakingly, for areas that they perceived as “weak”. Everything that makes you beautiful inside, the predator sees as a weakness…and something they can use against you, for their OWN benefit.
    1. When a predator (a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist) exploits someone’s weaknesses, it’s to accentuate your’s so THEIR’S won’t be noticed!! They are actually extremely insecure! Yet, they fight to gain the appearance of having (many in their own delusions) god-like “powers”. Omnipotence (all-powerful) and omnipresence (all-knowing).
    2. WEAR YOUR HUMANITY like a badge of honor…because it IS! Wave your compassion and empathy for others, for him to see. Don’t gossip. Be the best person you can be, and don’t allow him any more fuel! It’ll actually weaken the monster! This will also reaffirm the YOU that you have always been. The person a predator tried to destroy.  
  2. Did you share something you are proud of, with them? A special accomplishment? A talent? Only to have that individual demean you and discount what actually happened? (Mine loved to accuse me of using my talents and accomplishments to gain favor with men). Did he/she turn those proud moments into something hideous or shameful? Did that person cause you to feel demeaned and ashamed where you used to feel pride in yourself? This is another step in their delusions of grandeur. Minimizing YOU to make themselves look better…
    1. This is another tactic of brainwashing…they tear you down, break your heart and spirit, make you feel filthy or worthless, only to turn around at the next breath and do something nice for you, while they are affirming their lies by telling you that you need to see a doctor for your “mental” issues. They will also throw in “I’ll always be here for you, to help you through this..” Trying to give the illusion of being a ‘savior’.
    2. The best thing you can do is SUCCEED! Set goals and achieve them. Let the monster and those around you see the pride you have in yourself, without being arrogant or boastful. You worked hard for your accomplishments. The predator is jealous of you. They don’t believe that anyone else deserves to feel pride in themselves, but THE MONSTER! Seeing you standing tall, will make the monster feel like a failure! This will also help you rekindle the pride you thought you lost. It’s ok to be proud of yourself and have faith in your abilities. 

That’s pretty much it…The monsters are little spiders with little-big-bug syndrome! They try to appear larger than life, so their minuteness is more hidden. They use us as the bait they can use to convince the rest of the world that the monster, in deed, is perfect…which we all know, only exists in their OWN delusional minds.

We can choose to stay victims, or CHOOSE to be survivors. I say it’s a choice, because that is the beginning of the end of our hell. We choose to prove the monster wrong, while at the same time reaffirming who and what we know ourselves to be. We aren’t strangers to ourselves…only disjointed. Afterall, the monster came at us with some pretty powerful blows. Don’t feel ashamed, or ever allow shame to come into your life from this point, on.

We deserve for our hell to be over, and WE CHOOSE to survive as whole women and men. Holistic humans…healthy in body, mind and spirit.

I won’t promise that this is a quick and easy road to freedom. For us, it’ll be a daily struggle, with wonders and beauty every step of the way FROM NOW ON!

You are strong

You are beautiful (yes, even the guys)

You are human, full of compassion and empathy for others. YOU make the difference every day, with just a smile for a passing stranger.

you will never be a victim, again!

Be proud! Shine! Grow! 

PS: If this entry has caused someone to experience some triggers, especially those with PTSD…the triggers don’t have to be a defeat! Use them to become a counter-trigger, to enable yourselves to become stronger day by day. To find strength and the fight to become a more perfect YOU!


Peace 😀


It’s late. I should be sleeping right now. Instead, I have a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings overwhelming me.

The past several months, I have spent my time (even prior to my exodus) trying to make sense of the Monster I met. Trying to make sense of what was left of me…coming to grips…finding a name for the changeling that I had met. Once all of that was figured out, as much as it could be, a wonderful thing happened. I wasn’t in ‘as much’ turmoil. Above all, having felt so horribly ‘alone’, I wasn’t alone anymore. Many men and women have gone through the exact same thing as I. Psychological abuse is such a difficult thing to describe, explain and understand, much of the world around us doesn’t see the need to take a stand, nor can they accept it as a form of abuse (other than through textbook teaching) without the understanding that only experience can offer… after all, we’re just crazy, right? NOT IN THE LEAST!

I understand that in trying to make others see what my X had done, I was doing nothing but affirming HIS story. I sounded crazy to those who had never experienced a life which included the psychopath he IS. He went through great lengths to convince others that I was a mental case. With every word that I confessed to others, without their full understanding, they couldn’t grasp what I was saying. How could they? I couldn’t understand anything, myself.

I can’t expect anyone to believe me. A normal human just doesn’t act that way or go through such immeasurable lengths to torment and manipulate others…everyone around them. People who haven’t experienced the psychological mine-field of a Psychopath or Narcissist, aren’t equipped with the understanding that would foster, in turn, any empathy. It is what it is.

I have experienced fear, self-doubt, confusion, loneliness, shock, dismay, horror, anxiety and depression… every one of these… in the past year. Amazingly, I can say each one was my closest confidant on a daily basis.

Since breaking away, I continued feeling each of these for a time. Over the past several months, they have been replaced by growing confidence, strengthening peace, joy (to the point of almost giddiness), relief, understanding and knowing I’m truly not alone.

But, with everything else…WHERE IS THE ANGER?

Where is the disappointment? The rage that I’m entitled to?

My time has been spent trying to silence the confusion that was left in me. Trying to silence the echos of his manipulations, his gas-lighting, his voice. In all of this I realize that, though I really SHOULD be…I have yet to get angry.

Why not?

Disdain is there, as is bitterness….and yet, absolutely NO anger!

I read a blog tonight called “The Power of Rage”, which made me realize that it’s still missing.

In my past when there has been abuse, rage naturally showed itself eventually, over the injustice that was being dealt to me, as a tool to finally stand up for myself. To finally grow a “pair”. I became 10 feet tall and bullet proof. This time? I used anger, though it was an act of sorts. I wasn’t angry, though I fought against him as if I were.

Part of my healing in the past has been when my psyche and heart was able to finally release, and the result was rage. A righteous indignation of sorts. Fully controlled, and undamaging.

Perhaps I’m not ready for that ‘release’ yet. I’m fighting for that lost confidence, and winning. Maybe that has to be enough for now.

All I can say at this point is, I’m SO tired of ALL the stages and phases that have to be in order to heal.

Through everything, I AM victorious…just need some more time.



As I have mentioned before, each stage I have experienced since escaping the psychological hold of my X-monster has presented itself without warning, and completely absent of any mercy. I begin experiencing something new and generally I can recognize where it’s stemming from…but apparently, not always.

In order to explain this, I have to go back a few steps…back to the final ‘finale’. This process took a couple of months to see to fruition. I broke ties with him, though I recognize this isn’t the normal recognized pattern of Narcissist/Psychopath/Sociopath and the partner…whether they be male or female. Generally the victim is grasping at straws, trying to find some way…ANY way to make their partner happy. By the end of their hell on Earth, their abuser usually dumps THEM without warning or remorse. In my case I recognized the abuse. I recognized what he was causing inside of me because of his incessant attacks at my dignity and belittling attempts, and I began to take steps to get AWAY from him. Since I was so emotionally (by this I mean by way of fear, being what I call a ‘jelly-fish‘, and missing any sort of sense of self-worth by that point) tied to him, it had to be done skillfully and planned. I had lost almost all of my natural ability to stand up for myself, though I tried (I learned later that I couldn’t win) to make him see the error of his ways. I had to find another way to get away from this ever-deepening trap he had me held in. I was emotionally and psychologically trapped for over a year. I was afraid for my job. He threatened me, unwaveringly, as it either pertained to my job directly, or the punishment I would endure if I talked about him or our relationship in any way. He said “I’ll know”… he used fear tactics, and keeping me teetering emotionally, in order to keep me silent. It was a skillfully thought out plan on his part. He knew my weaknesses after all.

What I did have in my arsenal was a family at home. I didn’t live with him, though I spent enough time at his house (in order to keep him “happy”, and try to avoid the attacks) that it could have had the same type of effect. I had my own home, in which were waiting my daughter and granddaughter. They were living with me, trying to get on their feet. I was so engrossed in my own hell, I wasn’t there for them or myself. I used them as an excuse to spend less time with him. My granddaughter has some major health problems which cause her difficulty in breathing at times. I would express my worry and tell him “I have to be there in case she has to go to the hospital!”. He pretended to understand. I at the same time, expressed to him my need to spend time away from him. He agreed to leave me alone and give me my space to think. Instead of leaving me alone, he showed up at MY house every day (and almost as many nights) for 2 weeks. I didn’t have the guts to tell him no. At the same time he would say, “If you need time to think, I’ll give you that time.” But as fact would have it, he refused to do that. He used that time as a ‘fact finding’ mission, and used whatever he could to attack me and my dignity, as was commonplace. I realize this is disjointed. Please bear with me. I refused to be intimate with him. I had other reasons for this, but I told him I wanted to distance myself in order to have the chance to feel close to him again. I lied. My real reason was in the separation. I needed to separate myself emotionally (fear, intimidation included). I realized it was a process I had to take. Otherwise, if I had failed to do so, I would absolutely NEVER recover from his onslaught of torturous behavior.

When I realized he wasn’t willing to comply with my requests, I began looking for obvious signs of his abusive nature, and the abuse itself (they were very obvious to me from the beginning. I pointedly watched and listened for them, making note so I wouldn’t miss a thing). I began to call him on EVERYTHING! All the way down to the double-standards he tried to hold me to…but he was above his same judgment. Keep in mind, the only information he had to seemingly (to him) support his suspicions, was whatever he found over the internet via search engines, (spokeo, pipl, peoplefinders, etc.) which revealed that I had been married more than once, and I had a social networking site, which I told him about prior. I caught him in one particular outright lie, at one point. I am the daughter of a Border Patrol agent. My brother is a police officer (now detective) and I have a couple of friends in the legal field. I used knowledge I gained from them to support my findings. That, and knowing his normal reactions to certain subjects and situations, which in this case he failed miserably. yep, I called him on that one too. I went from that to outright picking fights. It had to be done.

With each step I took, I was able to see more clearly. I was able to hold him in complete disdain (though I was entirely confused by this point). I was tired of being afraid and anxious all the time, and I was ready for a fight…ok, as ready as I could be. I wouldn’t be disappointed. As was the standard, I still couldn’t predict what he would pull out of his hat. I couldn’t predict his manipulations being poured out against me, exponentially. I couldn’t predict the new threats and attempts to change my way of thinking. I couldn’t predict what he could do from that point. That was the standard when it pertained to our relationship from the beginning. He was completely unpredictable.

He tried to convince me even more strongly that I was mentally “unstable”, and that he was, as he said, “…the only one who ever helped you THROUGH this!” …yadda yadda yadda… He faked tears, too. He tried to convince me that in my decision to not be intimate with him, I was actually hurting myself. He continued on. I kept him at ear’s length, while trying hard to tune him out. However, I WAS aware of what he was saying to me. I can’t remember the last thing, but to that one I told him, “I think I’m gonna say good night, now”. I said it calmly, and directed. He absolutely FLIPPED! He called me delusional, among other things, YELLING all the way to his car. It didn’t end there. He continued on later in emails, calling me (blowing up both my home phone and cell phone, intermittently) every minute. I would not answer. During all of this, I still had the natural assumption that he had at least SOME human characteristics. Again, he proved me wrong in everything. I still tried to maintain some sort of working relationship with him, in order to ‘protect’ my job.

Soon after, I caught him directly in a manipulation attempt…a con-game, in which I was the subject. He had expressed his undying love for me only the previous day. He believed that during the first “break up”, I had gone out with another co-worker. Though I told him that never happened, he didn’t believe me. He was determined to find out the truth. He started talking to me about this particular co-worker, and asking questions out of the blue…trying to get me to say something negative about something the other guy supposedly said (This was MONTHS after the first attempted breakup). “I’m surprised you don’t have something to say about ‘that’ one…” to which I responded “Well, if it’s true, then it’s not right…but I don’t believe he would ever say or do anything like that.” Prior to this, my X expressed his hatred of that man. Within the next couple of days, I saw they just became friends on facebook. That made me feel uneasy, so I decided to talk to him about it. It appeared that he was trying to set me up. I reminded him of what he personally told me regarding his hatred of that other man. He quickly (again) told me I was a liar, I was making it up, I was delusional, etc… I found out then that I was right, and I THEN saw that he had no boundaries, no natural limits, and is capable of ANYTHING. He attacked me with his full arsenal. I learned that same day that he was still (though he expressed in the 4 page email 5 months prior, that he was sorry for doing this) scoping out my neighborhood at 2 and 3 am. He never stopped. My neighbors saw him. I then went to my manager, and filed an emergency restraining order with the District Court, which was in effect as soon as it was signed. There were a couple futile attempts on his part to contact me again…I called the police… this was the end of that…

It was finally OVER! I could be at peace (though only to a small degree) while in my own home. This started the phases I would go through, and am continuing to go through…

The first one, what I call panic attacks…uncontrollable trembling and crying, hysterically. I was unable to think. I couldn’t stop pacing. I couldn’t sleep. I called my friend during these times. The dear woman didn’t get much sleep during this. It finally subsided after almost 2 weeks of being hit with it morning, noon, and night. Having to go to work to support my job, believe it or not, definitely helped during this time. I had to force myself out of my house, but I stayed functional-ish.

Then there were the different facets of fear I would experience, later. (These continue, without warning of the next onset)

A few phases I have experienced, I haven’ t been able to find my way out of. I am still alienated from my friends. I date other men, but have a fear of ANY closeness. As soon as they want to take our time together to the next level of affection…I run the other way, never to be heard from again. I’m afraid of a relationship. this in itself is a phase, though I don’t know what to call it. I can’t say no to going out with a male friend, or someone new I’ve met. I feel like I have to, to keep from offending them. Sick huh? I can’t seem to tell them what I need or don’t want. I just disappear.

Tonight revealed another stage…I was taking everything male customers said to me, offensively. I was snappy even to seasoned customers who I had developed a report with. This is COMPLETELY unlike me! It was uncontrollable.

I’m still in the beginning stages of healing. I realize that it’s an ever-going process, which will be unbearable at times. I am a prisoner to introspection, so I am more aware than a lot of people as to the goings on inside. This only helps me to recognize what I am experiencing. It just doesn’t help me past it.

I am expressing this today, to maybe help you to recognize stages you might be going through, too. You aren’t crazy. You are going through a healing process, too. Your’s might be different, as we all respond differently to stress and abuse. Thanks for bearing with me through this long entry. I use this blog to think through things, too. I want to be sure that others can read what I’m going through, as no one deserves to feel alone. Thanks to you that I have met here, i don’t feel so alone. We are experiencing much the same things. Thank you!

Again, I want to wish you and I both…PEACE!


Test for Psychopathy

I thought this would be useful. I only found information about my X AFTER I was convinced that he was “a” type of monster. If someone…ANYONE had suggested this, I would have listened (I think). Please share this with any friend who is with a psychopath, and hasn’t realized it yet. Had I known they exist outside of horror movies, and tabloids I would have been more aware. I only heard of the ones that were serial killers. I had no idea the disorder(s) were so common. Until I lived through a relationship with one. When I started searching through disorders, I was only interested with one, at the time. Paranoid personality disorder. I recognized problem areas with my X in being EXTREMELY paranoid, and I was curious if there was a description about him, somewhere. The one I found was EVERYTHING about his paranoia that I witnessed. There were so many other things, that it caused me to keep looking and reading. I pay attention to how my body and psyche react to a given scenario or experience. He caused me to go almost over the edge, so to speak. If you have a friend that loves and trusts your word, please share this and hopefully will help them see what they are involved in/with. Maybe they will get out before serious damage is done. Mine is a monster. His behavior still doesn’t completely fit with the definition of a psychopath. He was so much more. check the link below.

peace to you all, today.

Test for Psychopathy.


I am adding links to this blog that I think are helpful in this subject. I find that just knowing that other’s have been through what I have, is vindicating since I felt I was so alone. My Narcissist/psychopath boyfriend tried very hard to make me believe I was crazy, and “mental”. though I recognized this as a game of his, of sorts, early on…he still had a negative impact on my thinking, level of paranoia, and view of the world around me. Mostly of myself. In writing this blog, I recognize that I’m placing myself in a very vulnerable position. Ces la vie.

you can find said links at the bottom of this page. As of right now, there are 2 that I believe are bennificial to all of us. I would like to revamp the title of this blog, but can’t figure out how. In my studies, I have learned a lot about Narcissism and Psychopathy. I’m no longer “alone” in this regard. I have to come to grips with the knowing that my acquaintances at work may not every believe me. Just so I can rely on them if I need them in any situation.

Love and peace to all 🙂
We WILL grow, and we WILL heal! Keep your feet moving!!

sometimes youtube can be a great resource…

Hello again. I got off work tonight and for whatever reason decided to look through the documentary videos on youtube, for information on psychopathy/psychopaths. I found one posted by “jesusmalaark11”. In this documentary a psychopath agrees to be the test-subject of the documentary. It’s eye opening and vindicating for myself. For victims of psychopaths, this will be a difficult series of videos to watch. I recommend flooding yourselves with positive affirmations, smiles and laughter for a little while before chosing to watch the entire thing. I assure you, you will be glad for the time you can watch. The last 3 videos in the series were particularly good for me to see. I was able to see/hear confirmation that mine did in fact, calculatedly choose me…among other things. It’s as if someone really understands what we’ve been though. “sam”, for whatever it means for the documentary-maker, was able to get into his head. He’ll be psychologically confused and affected for some time. Good for him that he got out as soon as he recognized what was happening. Mine tried text-book brainwashing tactics, in order to “try” and manipulate me into staying with him. Watch this. you’ll be amazed. Also, you will know more than anything, you really are not alone.

I actually watched all 9 parts of this documentary. there were several times that I almost turned it off but I continued watching. I’m glad I did. I can relate to how the film-maker felt at the end of this endeavour. I still find myself questioning everything I had gone through. I understand the confusion associated with dealing with a person like “Sam”. I had a thought that I was singled out and chosen. This at least partly, confirms my fears. I believe whole-heartedly that I was dealing with a psychopath. I did learn through living with “his” taunts, lies, manipulations, and watching him as I caught his scheming… there was/is absolutely no conscience in him, and absolutely NO Empathy. It was always done with no-one watching. he was very careful about that. Welcome to why he sought to completely control what was said outside our interpersonal encounters. No-one had/has any reason to question HIS version of reality. He made his own for the rest of the world to interpret, without any question